Need to vent UPDATE

[EsmeraldaX]

UPDATE :

Well on the advice of all the wonderful people here at DIS & my brother (who thinks my SO is the best thing that's ever happened to me) I decided to step back and calm down.

SO felt really bad & apologized later in the day yesterday & so did I . I remembered the times he has been there for me (when no one else, aside from maybe my best friend & my brother) would stand by me & realized he was probably just having a bad day.

Thank you all soooo much for listening. You're the best group of folks anywhere!

Oh--and you might find this semi amusing...earlier today, I bought something for $5 at the store near my work. Well, the cashier charged me three times for it, but only gave me one receipt. She then guaranteed me she'd canceled the other transactions and they would not show up on my bank account (it was a visa check card).

Anyway, when I went back after discovering what had happened while checking my bank statement, (I was in fact charged & it appears on my bank statement twice) SO was the one who wanted to go down to the store and demand my money back (and this is a lot less $$ than the incident that made me mad yesterday). He basically did what he got mad at me for doing yesterday...

I guess all's well.

Thank you everyone.

Sheri

 

[Boo'sMom]

vent away...and just let it lie for a while. Often we say things and do things in anger that we don't normally do.
See what happens in a few hours, days, etc....


Good Luck!

 

[Toby'sFriend]

My initial reaction was to tell you not to make a decision for a week. But I see you're only 38 days until your trip.

How long can you wait without losing your deposits and such?

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Well it's a timeshare, and everything is paid for. I'm sure we'd lose quite a bit, at this point.

But is money worth my pride?

 

[Keli]

Quite frankly, I don't believe pride is worth a plug nickle. If you love this man and you want to work things out then don't let your pride stop you.

 

[jkovick]

I am very sorry for your heartache. Don't make any rash decisions, anger can cloud things.
That said, if you truly, truly believe that your SO couldn't or wouldn't be there for you, than perhaps it may be time to let go. Life is short and the support and love of those closest to us are the most precious things we have--everyone needs someone they can count on.
Whatever decision you make-- good luck.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by jkovick
I am very sorry for your heartache. Don't make any rash decisions, anger can cloud things.
That said, if you truly, truly believe that your SO couldn't or wouldn't be there for you, than perhaps it may be time to let go. Life is short and the support and love of those closest to us are the most precious things we have--everyone needs someone they can count on.
Whatever decision you make-- good luck.

That's just it. I really think, if this minor incident (and it really was a stupid minor thing) is an indication of how loyal he is, that I can't trust him when there is a serious issue.

And I've tried talking to him and he won't speak to me.

 

[Dreamer04]

Hi..we don't know each other, but I will offer advice.

First of all-trust your instincts. Evidently, this is an issue that has not come up before. Both your reactions are indicative of how you each feel about this new issue.

Secondly, wait a few days and re-examine your stand and your role in the arguement. This is harder to do.

Then, with a calmer head, you might be able to meet in the middle with your SO.

I admire you for not pretending everything is okay when it isn't.
I've done that, and it is so degrading.

Good luck!

Ursula

 

[helenabear]

I don't know the situation well enough, but my thought is sit on this for a week. Try to talk it out. You just said it was minor... have you thought that in his mind this isn't about standing beside you (since this is minor) but it could be something he doesn't agree with you on? Like I said, I don't know the argument or anything about it, but my husband doesn't always have to approve of what I say and do for him to support me. There are times when I think he should be there for me and he isn't... but he didn't understand how important it was for him to be there (he just couldn't grasp it). There are other times when he is there for such minor things in my mind, but in his that is what is important. But when it comes down to it, if I conveyed to him how much I *needed* him there, I know he would be (whether he agreed with me or not).

Just let him cool off and you let yourself cool off and see where you stand and try to understand where he is coming from. You may be able to meet half way.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Wow. As if I needed this...

SO & I work in the same building. We often have fire drills and are evac'd. We made a vow to never leave without each other.

Well, we just had a fire alram. I looked frantically for him; only to find out he didn't wait for me.

And outside, (I finally had to leave with my group) he didnt even look at me.

I think my mind is made up.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Dreamer04]

Some might feel that this is minor, but I disagree. In this day and age, an evacuation is more of a likelihood than not.

There is the fact that it was not an actual emergency. Still, he didn't keep his word and then ignored you. I can see why your mind is made up.

Good for you. You're taking care of yourself.

Keep on, keepin on

Ursula

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Thanks. Actually, the evac' occurred several hours after the earlier incident. That's two in one day.

That he'd hold a grudge so strongly as to not care if I got out of the building okay is just wrong.

 

[Dreamer04]

Absolutely.

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by EsmeraldaX
That's just it. I really think, if this minor incident (and it really was a stupid minor thing) is an indication of how loyal he is, that I can't trust him when there is a serious issue.

And I've tried talking to him and he won't speak to me.

Without knowing the whole situation, it's hard for me to take a side here. Are you sure that YOU were not being unreasonable on whatever your stance is in this matter? Is this issue anything that you can elaborate more on?
Christine

 

[Disney Doll]

Not knowing the details of your disagreement(not that i want to!!), I would say if it was serious enough to warrant you thinking that you can depend on him, then it was more than "minor" so don't downplay it in your mind in an effort to minimize it, and subsequently sweep it under the rug because it was a "minor" incident.

As far as the trip, do oyu have a frined you could go with, so you don't lose your money? If not, then consider going alone. If that seems unrealistic, then consider it money well-spent on an education...not all education is received in school.

My own personal opinion about relationships is this...in addition to the obvious...love...the 2 things I find very important are integrity and dependability. I need my spouse to be a person of integrity, a person of his word, a person who I can depend on to be there, even if he dopesn't necessarily agree with what I need him there for.

I worked with a woman whose husband was having an affair. His reason for having the affair was because he was "under stress" because his elderly father was sick, and his elderly mother was becoming more frail and less able to care for him. Therefore, more responsibiltiy for assisting his parents was falling to him. My co-worker tried to rationalize this every wway from Sunday, and one day I said to her "what happens when you become ill, or you have a child who turns out to have a health problem? Is this man going to have an affair, because those situations are stressful?" His behavior showed a HUGE lack of both integrity and dependability. She divorced him and remarried a great guy.

Don't ever sell yourself out to keep a man. It's a lesson I learned the very hard way.

 

[DocRafiki]

I am wondering... did you "break up" with him earlier? If you did, and it sounds like you might have, then I can see why he left without you; he was no longer obligated.

I have to say, if you've been together for years and never fought, that is AMAZING. This may be a new experience for you two, but it really had better be something serious to cause you to break up. You've already said it was minor and stupid.

From a different perspective, if you think it's minor and stupid now, just think how you'll feel about it a year from now. You'll be kicking yourself for not working it out. You two are obviously still in angry mode; it sounds like you haven't given it a chance to cool down and work on it. After years of being the best relationship you've had, I'd say you owe that to each other.

I ended my last "good" relationship in 1995 (wow almost 10 years ago!) in college over something superficially stupid. But, like you, there was an underlying theme. The argument was about cows' farts rolleyes: can you believe that?), but I ended it because he didn't respect my intellect.

I am the LAST person to tell you to stay with someone for fear of being alone (I really have no respect for people who do that), but as a 30-yr-old single woman, I will tell you that you really need to work on it after you're calm. If your suspicions about his attitude or whatever are true, then leave. But give it time.

AND... if you do call it off... just take the vacation by yourself and pick up a hot foreign CM at Epcot.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Disney Doll

As far as the trip, do oyu have a frined you could go with, so you don't lose your money? If not, then consider going alone. If that seems unrealistic, then consider it money well-spent on an education...not all education is received in school.

My own personal opinion about relationships is this...in addition to the obvious...love...the 2 things I find very important are integrity and dependability. I need my spouse to be a person of integrity, a person of his word, a person who I can depend on to be there, even if he dopesn't necessarily agree with what I need him there for.

The problem with the trip, is that it's his timeshare, he was borrowing from a relative.

"even if he dopesn't necessarily agree with what I need him there for."

This is sort of the thing that happened today. He disagreed with me, but rather than sucking it up and sticking up for me anyway, he made a fool out of me , and walked out of the room.

Yup. I learned once that I shouldn't let anyone treat me bad, and I'm not going to waste my time again.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by DocRafiki
I am wondering... did you "break up" with him earlier? If you did, and it sounds like you might have, then I can see why he left without you; he was no longer obligated.

I have to say, if you've been together for years and never fought, that is AMAZING. This may be a new experience for you two, but it really had better be something serious to cause you to break up. You've already said it was minor and stupid.

From a different perspective, if you think it's minor and stupid now, just think how you'll feel about it a year from now. You'll be kicking yourself for not working it out. You two are obviously still in angry mode; it sounds like you haven't given it a chance to cool down and work on it. After years of being the best relationship you've had, I'd say you owe that to each other.

I ended my last "good" relationship in 1995 (wow almost 10 years ago!) in college over something superficially stupid. But, like you, there was an underlying theme. The argument was about cows' farts rolleyes: can you believe that?), but I ended it because he didn't respect my intellect.

I am the LAST person to tell you to stay with someone for fear of being alone (I really have no respect for people who do that), but as a 30-yr-old single woman, I will tell you that you really need to work on it after you're calm. If your suspicions about his attitude or whatever are true, then leave. But give it time.

AND... if you do call it off... just take the vacation by yourself and pick up a hot foreign CM at Epcot.

No. I didn't break up with him earlier. This fight was about something that also seemed really dumb on the surface, but the underlying point was his unwillingness to stand up for me when I needed him to.

 

[Curly Q]

 

[helenabear]

I'm going to say that Doc Rafiki actually had some really good points!!! But I am going to say something, my husband tells me I am smart, smarter than him even (that's what he says, how it really is is neither her nor there) however, if I left him because he disagreed with me and didn't stand up for me over something that I felt later, was silly & stupid, then I would be very alone right now and missing out on someone who is truly wonderful. He's done it before, I've gotten mad and we work it out later.

I really truly think that you don't need someone to make you complete, but to decide so quickly without calming down and then talking to him, is kind of rash. Have you thought that he is licking his own wounds right now and doesn't know how to act around you? Maybe that is why he didn't look at you. If he thought you would just get mad at you, I wouldn't expect him to wait.

Really I am not one who says you should stay with a man no matter what... not at all, but I am also not one to give up on things so easily. Fights happen, people need space after fights and we *all* make mistakes. It's how you learn from them and grow from those fights and issues that makes or breaks relationships. Maybe he didn't realize he was hurting your feelings so much, but I guess you just have to decide if you are actually willing to try to even talk about this before just leaving w/o a word.

I am truly sorry you are hurting right now... and I really hope you can work it out where both of you are happy.