Need some guy advice...

[JacksLilWench]

And by that I mean I need advice from some of the women on the boards

Recently, I've started seeing this new guy, and he's a really good guy. We've gone on several dates and he always pays, he's opened every door for me, he's so sweet, he accepts (and feeds into) my Disney obsession, I've almost got him calling me "Princess" (Yes, I'll admit, when it comes to dating, I'm archaic and I like to pretend I really AM a Disney Princess in my head). He's smart and fun and nice and all those things you want a guy to be. And sometimes I can see myself with someone like him for the long haul...

But there's one issue: I don't feel as attracted to him as I feel I should be. I don't know what it is, but I don't feel a connection to him yet. Maybe I just need closure from a past relationship, maybe I just need some time to absorb everything because it's been a wild couple weeks for me personally, but I don't know what's going on.

I know, I sound like a whiny little brat ("This guy likes me, but I don't know if I like him, whaa ") especially when there are people on the boards that have ACTUAL problems. But if anyone had any advice I would really appreciate it. I don't have a lot of girlfriends I can talk to about stuff like this. Thanks for listening!

 

[JessicaR]

What attracted you to him in the first place?

 

[natenapril]

And by that I mean I need advice from some of the women on the boards

Recently, I've started seeing this new guy, and he's a really good guy. We've gone on several dates and he always pays, he's opened every door for me, he's so sweet, he accepts (and feeds into) my Disney obsession, I've almost got him calling me "Princess" (Yes, I'll admit, when it comes to dating, I'm archaic and I like to pretend I really AM a Disney Princess in my head). He's smart and fun and nice and all those things you want a guy to be. And sometimes I can see myself with someone like him for the long haul...

But there's one issue: I don't feel as attracted to him as I feel I should be. I don't know what it is, but I don't feel a connection to him yet. Maybe I just need closure from a past relationship, maybe I just need some time to absorb everything because it's been a wild couple weeks for me personally, but I don't know what's going on.

I know, I sound like a whiny little brat ("This guy likes me, but I don't know if I like him, whaa ") especially when there are people on the boards that have ACTUAL problems. But if anyone had any advice I would really appreciate it. I don't have a lot of girlfriends I can talk to about stuff like this. Thanks for listening! [/QUOTE


And it would help to know your age range. It sounds like you are young. Especially having him call you "princess".

 

[WDWBarb]

It's ok not to be attracted to every great guy. I have many guy friends who I think are awesome - polite, kind, thoughtful and all-around good people - but I'm not "attracted" to them. It's a chemistry and the formula just isn't that precise!

If nothing develops from it, there's no reason to feel guilty about it. It just wasn't meant to be!

 

[AKL_Megs]

Are you not "attracted" to him as in, there is no chemistry, you can't see yourself with him longterm, or, there is no chemistry, he isn't that hot?

Sometimes the "hottest" guys can be the "coldest".

 

[JacksLilWench]

What attracted you to him in the first place?

He was actually attracted to me at first, but when I talked to him a little bit more I was able to find out he's really quite smart (degree in computer animation and machine work), he's funny in his own way, and he does treat me very well. Plus he's pretty good-looking (I'm allowed to be shallow on my own thread, lol)

And it would help to know your age range. It sounds like you are young. Especially having him call you "princess".

I just turned 25. So yes, I would say I'm still a little young.

If nothing develops from it, there's no reason to feel guilty about it. It just wasn't meant to be!

I have a guilt complex a mile wide, though! I feel, though, like I'm just overthinking the situation or just being nonsensical. He is a really nice guy and I'm physically attracted to him. So maybe my head just needs to catch up with my body?

 

[happily single]

I've been there and not felt that. Hence my screen name lol

First, how did you end up dating him? That's actually important. Did you choose to date him? Was it just a convenitent thing to do? Was it a set up?

Secondly, I think that you should give him a little bit more time. I dated this great guy for almost a year, but just never felt love for him. So I moved on, another really, really great guy. But nothing. He and I both were frustrated that neither of us felt "it". We still remain friends.

Then....it happened..I found the one. Actually have known him 20 years and always said "He would make the perfect spouse". So i'm not "Happily Single" anymore.

Well I guess my advice is to give him some time.

 

[The_Alice]

From experience before meeting my DH, if there was no spark or chemistry, then usually it didn't pan out. Don't force it, and if over time you develop a spark and a connection with him then there you go. But, if not, don't kick yourself. Not every great guy is "the one". I dated my fair share of really nice guys but I had to have a chemistry with them. When I met DH not only was he a nice guy, but there was a spark where we just got each other right away.

 

[JacksLilWench]

Are you not "attracted" to him as in, there is no chemistry, you can't see yourself with him longterm, or, there is no chemistry, he isn't that hot?

Sometimes the "hottest" guys can be the "coldest".

He is someone I can see myself with longterm because he's a great guy, he works really hard, he's really nice, he's understanding....and he's pretty good looking too.

So I clearly have the hangup somewhere along the line, I just can't figure out where, lol.

 

[Hannathy]

The longest lasting fires usually start slowly and build and are based on a good foundation of coals.

many of the hottest fires are really just flash burns and are over in a brief moment.

while you don't want to stay with someone who you can't stand being with just cause they are a good guy. Love at first glance does happen at times it is more out of TV or books.

I personally think the best and longest lasting relationships start as friendships and develop into "relationships" Get to know him, spend time with him see how you click over the big things, your ethics, your morals. See if after you spend time with him your feelings haven't deepened, there is no hurry to decide. Go out with him as long as you are enjoying your self. If it starts not being fun or you don't look forward to being with him you will know and you can decide then which way you want it to go from there.

 

[OceanAnnie]

There must be a little spark there if you can see a future with him. I have been on dates with no spark, and I can tell you, there were no future thoughts going on.

Take your time. Give yourself time to sort through whatever is holding you back.

 

[JacksLilWench]

I've been there and not felt that. Hence my screen name lol

...

Well I guess my advice is to give him some time.

We met online on a dating site, and the decision to meet was mutual. I figured if nothing else, I would get a nice night out from it, haha.

I do think you're right though, I need to just give it some time. I'm just not the most patient person in the world I know I'm still young and I'll sound crazy saying this, but there's a very considerable part of me that wants to be married. When I was growing up, I always thought I would be a young mom- I wanted to be married at 22, have my first child at 24. I will freely admit that I was a little nutso back in high school, lol. I guess a little bit of that still hangs around and rears its' head every once in a while.

The_Alice, see, married people always get me with this one! So many people I talk to who are married tell me "I knew right away, etc" and I just don't know if I totally believe it. Not that it doesn't happen to some people, but I don't see it happening to me. I've also heard of it happening one-sided and it worked out incredibly well (married for years, had a DD together, etc) I might just need to stop being so impatient with all this...maybe that's my issue

Hannathy, that's definitely a good point. I've been in relationships that DO flashburn. Maybe that's why this feels funny/different. But it's this good funny/different, so who knows?

OceanAnnie, I can see a future with him, even though it's definitely early. We seem to have a lot of the same values and moral standpoints and he has qualities that I really look for. I think I might just need some time to clear my head...I say a couple days in Disney?

 

[epcotprincess]

You mentioned in your first post that it could have something to do with being emotionally hung up on a prior relationship.

Honestly, I felt like that about my DH initially, that there wasn't a super passionate fire-burning chemistry-- and it was because I was still processing what went down in my relationship that ended just before meeting him. Once I worked through that situation mentally, I was able to go forward and then the chemistry happened. I have amazing chemistry with DH, I just wasn't ready to feel it when we first met. Sometimes I think it's our subconscious way of not allowing ourselves to get too wrapped up in someone else before the ghosts of boyfriends past have been dealt with.

So perhaps there is a lingering issue you need to address-- if that's the case, you could take a step back from the new guy while you work on you for a bit. Once you're there, if you miss him and think about him, proceed.

 

[shortbun]

Within 10 minutes of meeting my husband, I felt like I'd been hit by a lightening bolt. It was like magnets and electric charges all the time. After 28 years, we can still manage to cause some thunder. tmi?
I would not pursue a relationship without passion, especially at your age.

 

[MELSMICE]

From experience before meeting my DH, if there was no spark or chemistry, then usually it didn't pan out. Don't force it, and if over time you develop a spark and a connection with him then there you go. But, if not, don't kick yourself. Not every great guy is "the one". I dated my fair share of really nice guys but I had to have a chemistry with them. When I met DH not only was he a nice guy, but there was a spark where we just got each other right away.

I met my DH & gave him my phone #. On our first date I wondered why I had done that because I kept making excuses as to why I didn't like him, but lo & behold, I agreed to a 2nd date.

Still came up with reasons as to why I didn't like him.

Agreed to another dinner date & decided I shouldn't string him along & should cancel. I then found out dinner was at a really nice restaurant with other couples. I just couldn't ditch him & embarrass him when we were going out with his friends.

Dinner was a bust.......horrible meal. We went back to his house with his friends & while there there came a moment when I looked at him & thought, "you know, I think I do like this guy." That was it. We've been together about 29 years, married for almost 24.

 

[Goofyluver]

Hon, do you want to marry him today? Do you want to marry anyone right now?

If the answer's no, what's the problem?

Take your time. Enjoy the relationship. Give it some time. If it's gonna work out, it'll work out.

Why is today the day you need to know if it's the "right" relationship? Why not a few months from now?

 

[Poohforyou]

From someone who's been married 16 years I have to tell you that I wouldn't expect to build a long term relationship with a guy I wasn't crazy about. To quote Carrie Bradshaw you need to feel the "za za zing".

That being said there's nothing wrong with enjoying each others company and see what happens. It's only been a few dates and as long as you haven't made any promises I'd just enjoy myself.

 

[Mama-san]

My former BF had this same issue years ago. She was dating "Sam" who was super nice, treated her well, had a good job, and they had a lot of fun together, but she didn't feel particularly attracted to him (he was really into her though). She dated him for several months and finally acquiesced to sleeping with him. After that night, she was in LOVE!!!! Next thing I know they are getting married. It's been almost 20 years and they are still together. So anyway, I don't know how you roll but maybe if you haven't already......

 

[horseshowmom]

Is it possible that you're trying to rush things? It doesn't sound like you've been dating him very long. As long as you enjoy each other's company, why don't you do just that and relax. I also think you may be "just a touch" overboard with romaticizing things (wanting to be called Princess at 25 might be a clue ). Either way, I hope things go well for you!

 

[JacksLilWench]

This is why I love putting questions on here, I get so many responses, lol. And some really good advice You ladies are so great and I really do appreciate all the insight. I really am a Princess though!

But you guys are right: I'm not looking to get married anytime soon and there's no reason I can't just have a good time with him, and if something happens then great. And if not, that's fine too I'm just used to feeling a big spark right at the beginning of "relationships"...right before they crash and burn, haha. So maybe this is a good thing and I need to stop being so analytical and judgemental and crazy and just enjoy the moment

Thank you ladies again, so much!