Need opinions...

[starrzone]

I've posted here a couple times about my best friend who came out to me recently (we've been friends for 19 years). Now, he's like another brother to me and was always at my house when we were younger. He's been to our summer cottage, holiday dinners...you name it! The thing is, my family doesn't know he's gay. My brothers always hint at it, but no one has ever asked me outright. My question is, how do I handle it if my mother does ask me point blank? I don't feel that it's my place to "out" him, and not that I don't trust my mother, but she has a lot of friends in the community and I don't want her to "let it slip" to anyone. I'm not even sure if he's come out to his own family yet, so I'm sure not going to out him to my mother!

TIA for this. I want to make clear that my family and community are VERY tolerant; back when I was quite young (over 20 years ago, in the early 1980s), our neighbors' housekeeper/nanny, Susan, had a female "friend" who she would have at the house quite a bit. I grew up not giving same-sex relationships any thought, and still feel the same way. I just want to be sure and be sensitive to my friend's feelings, especially since he's pretty guarded by nature.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Even if someone asks you point blank, you can NOT betray his confidence. The proper response is "You'll have to ask him."

 

[christopher77]

My thoughts seem to align with your instinct... It's not your place to out him, even if asked point blank. I would say that "it's not my place to discuss his sexuality, whatever it is." He has to come out when he's ready, and not be forced.

Honestly, it's nobody's business but his own. I'm very happy to hear that he has such a great friend in you, though. You clearly have a good head on your shoulders to keep his feelings in the forefront of your thoughts.

 

[mikelan6]

I would say "why don't you ask him?" but you might want to let your friend know in advance that your mom has been asking. It's up to your friend to come out when he's ready.

 

[starrzone]

I knew I could count on my fellow DISers! I think I'll say "It's not my place to discuss that; you'll have to ask him."

 

[OrlandoMike]

I always say...."I dont know, I haven't slept with him yet!"

But the "Why dont you ask him?" may be more politically correct these days....

 

[STOCKYJIM]

Have you thought about asking him how he would want you to respond? He has taken an amazing first step trusting you with this important piece of information so he may be thinking about this himself.

I know from personal experience that there can be a lot of angst when making the decision to tell people, especially people you have grown up with, and it sounds like he grew up with your family too!!

It may be that by asking him how he would like you to react that you give him the opportunity to take control in a situation where there is little control, whilst at the same time taking the pressure off him having to tell everyone.

the "what should I say if my family asks..." question will allow him to decide how he would like you to respond.

In my opinion the "you will have to ask him about that" response can lead to people making assumptions that may or may not be true.

just my twopenneth (sorry english saying) but hope it helps

Jim

 

[gmi3804]

How about saying, "I never thought to ask him?"

If someone is inquiring, they're already prepared to hear, "Yes."

 

[hematite153]

I'm with Jim. I'd ask him how he'd like you to respond.

I actually hesitated to out (on a different issue) a friend of mine recently only to discover that she wants to be fully out about it but just finds it a difficult issue to bring up. So, for her, had I brought it up for her things would have been easier.

 

[Sphyrna]

I'm also with the other Jim. I'd ask him how he would like you to respond if asked directly. Sometimes it's easier to have others do it.