Need moral compass help - Destination Weddings

[castlegazer]

Let me start by saying, thanks everyone helping me get this off my chest. It has been tearing me up. Its just that I am in finance and this just doesn't make any sense to me.

To answer some questions, the wedding will be in Mexico and it just isn't a pop down by myself location as it will take a minimum of four days to do so because the resort doesn't do shorter stays than four days and I uncomortable leaving my son for that long who I have never been away from for more than two days. As for staying somewhere else - I was totally all about this when they first announced this and this is a very very sensitive topic - I talked to my friend about making sure they had options for everyone for other places to stay since they have picked the most expensive all-inclusive in the area. He said they would and that they were looking into picking up the resort fee for guests who chose to do this - well then low and behold I was talking to his fiance and I mentioned this as I had been working with my travel agent to find a non all-inclusive someone close by, and the fiance absolutely bites my head off saying no way would they ever recommend somewhere they had not stayed as you never know what other costs would be included and she didn't want her guests to have to take taxis all around (she obviously hasn't heard of rental cars ). She informed me that the resort fee for a day was somewhere in the range of $90 so no one would want to pay that - what the heck happened to the offer for them to pay it! Anyways, long way to say, I tried to go that route because I use an excellent travel agent who actually specializes in Mexico so she would be able to recommend a good resort for me as an alternative. Well, no go. I was so put off by this attitude of the bride that I just dropped the whole idea of expending myself to try and find something that may or may not be close by. For my wedding I exhaustively found hotels for people and gave about ten reccomendations to people in all price ranges. I was sure to go and check out each and every one - I spent a lot of effort on this and since they have admitted they are done planning since there is nothing really for them to do, I am even more put off by this attitude of its here or nowhere.

The problem is the airfare - which is exhorbitant to get there. Bottom line, I am still feeling pretty resentful of this whole thing and I just wish they would have eloped. I do think my friend is not as gung ho about this whole idea as his bride is, but that being said, I did voice my concern over the cost and told them there was a good chance I would not be able to go as soon as they announced they were doing this and I had looked into it a little more. So I have talked to them about it and thought that my friend was wavering on it, but in the end they sent in the deposit and all things are booked now and there is no changing their plans. I just have not given them my final answer on the whole thing, but my friend must know because I just talked ot him last night and I asked how planning was going (they're done) and did not say, hey I can't wait to go down.

I just don't want to be so resentful and feel a little hurt that they don't care that their closest friends can not be there. You all are helping me understand it from their perspective and I thank you for that.

 

[caitycaity]

we had a destination wedding to "save" money (wdw was cheaper than doing it here in dc). but we didn't make people feel guilty if they couldn't come. as it was, we were blessed to have about 50 of our closest friends and family attend. there were many friends and family who couldn't make it, but we understood that not everyone would be able to go.

perhaps our situation was different because we don't live anywhere near any family and they are spread out all over the country. that was actually one of the other reasons a destination wedding appealed to us.

However, I will say that I would have gone into debt to attend the weddings of my closest friends.

i personally agree with this as well. i have gone into debt to go to close friends' weddings. they're (hopefully) only going to get married once.

 

[suzannen]

Originally posted by ead79
However, I will say that I would have gone into debt to attend the weddings of my closest friends.

I don't believe a true friend would ever want you to do that.

But, I would talk to your friend as soon as possible if you decide not to go so they have time to make other arrangements.

 

[castlegazer]

They said to me, its not much, just set aside $80 per week from now till then and you will have close to what it will take. I gotta tell you if I were setting aside $80 a week it would not be for someone's wedding - it would be for my son's college fund.

My husband would not be happy if I racked up a $2,000 credit card bill over this no matter how dear a friend this is to me and my husband is a dearer friend that I want to make sure I keep happy.

I am not in a time crunch to tell them - the wedding invitations have not gone out yet. They know that I am not feeling like I can go - and I think they think I am just being a stick in the mud about it, but that's just a feeling I am getting. I am leaning towards keeping my options open for a little longer and seeing what happens - who knows, maybe I will be able to pull this off.

 

[DISshopkeeper]

What a thorny problem! I feel so bad for you. I am one who does not like to be railroaded into things. Especially things that cost thousands of dollars. AND you have your DH and his thoughts and feelings to worry about, too. The situation is giving ME a stomach ache and I'm not even involved!!

I think people who decide on a destination wedding need to realize that they are cutting a lot of people out for financial reasons and just accept that.

If I were in your shoes, as I understand your situation, I would not go. I think it's pretty selfish of the wedding couple to be pressuring and guilting you into this.

Good luck to you. Please let us know how this turns out!

 

[helenabear]

I think you and your friend (not the fiance) need to have a real heart to heart talk about this. I might go into debt for a really good friend for their wedding, but I know that they wouldn't want me to. Is there anyone you know who would get you air with frequent flyer miles by chance? Also a friend of mine lives in Cancun and uses http://www.applevacations.com/ all the time for air. She said she gets great deals with them. Worth a shot.

Don't feel guilty though. A really close friend of mine had a wedding I couldn't attned and he totally understood

 

[poohbear1029]

Castlegazer -

HI! Just thought I would pop in and offer my two cents. Hope you are well! Are you watching the snow come down out there?

I completely understand the turmoil that you feel. Last fall I was in a dear friends wedding in NYC. It seemed like the wedding got more and more expensive the closer it got, dresses, shoes, travel....and can we talk about how much a hotel in Manhattan costs! YIKES! Luckily my friend was understanding....we made compromises on what nights we stayed/couldnt stay and horror of horrors....I did not buy an extravagant gift, barely added up to the cost of our dinners. I bought them a special token that I thought they would appreciate to remember their day (FLAME AWAY DISers - but I feel my financial contribution to be there was enough - and my friend was so accommodating and appreciative of our just being able to be there, given several personal family tragedies we had brewing at the same time).

Needless to say, while we wanted to be their for my friend, the expense, topped off on other life events, caused DH & I much stress and we fought behind the scenes the whole weekend! YIKES!

While it would be wonderful to really be able to "do anything" for a dear friend, but reality is, we gain responsibilities as we mature and food for the family becomes more important! Our SO's and kids need to be taken into consideration in our budget. Something your friend will soon learn.

If the invite arrives and you find that attending the wedding is still cost prohibitive, I would offer that you write the couple a heartfelt letter expressing your desire to be there and regret at not being able to, and that your thoughts will be with them and you look forward to a mutual opportunity to celebrate their new marriage. Express how you are sure they will understand as while they may not have been able to "be there" for all of your life's events (birth of child, any others), you have felt their love and support. Send a thoughtful gift that expresses the sincerity of your friendship and look for an opportunity to meet in the months after the wedding. A true friend will not penalize you for your financial situation and will cherish the way you express yourself to him.

 

[castlegazer]

Thank you very much PoohBear. He will understand I am sure. I am just felling like he will miss out on how important it is to surround yourself with your friends during such a moment in your life. My second biggest joy of my wedding day was having my friends and family there with me. I know that a destination wedding is alltogether different in that you expect very few friends and family to be there with you, but I think he is the type of guy who values having his close friends with him.

But that being said, everyone has helped me feel better about my decision if I need to make it of not being there.

By the way, I am totally dissapointed that I am at work today and we didn't have more snow to have a snow day on drink green beer day - if you're going to have a storm in the middle of the week, make it a really good one.

 

[Lanshark]

If you want friends and family to attend a wedding then you should not plan it in such a way that it will be an extreme burden to attend. They planned a wedding that will cause huge inconvenience and cost to those invited. They should not be too surprised if no one shows up. It's their choice but you are not under any obligation to attend.

I agree with Rajah. Plan a party with some other friends for when they return.

 

[castlegazer]

And building on that thought, you all made me think of how I could do this - have a party for them as I live pretty far away from them - since I think it is an excellent idea. I think I am going to invite them to come on up here to MA, his brother lives here too so they are planning on coming up at some point prior to the wedding, and take them to Tanglewood for an elaborate picnic and night with friends and music. Just thinking about doing this is lessening the guilt I have been feeling.

Thanks everyone.