Need Husband Help Advice PLEASE!

[kpadalik]

I am desperate! Let me give a bit of a background. My DH and I both work nights, but on opposite days. We rarely see each other and when we do, it would be nice if we could spend quality time together as a family. Our 2 DD (6 and 17 mos ) love when we have a rare day off together. Our work schedules do allow us to have one of us always at home w/ our kids, available for soccer, Daisies, no daycare, etc. It's a sacrifice we make that we feel will truly pay off in the long run.

Lately, we've been having housecleaning issues, though. On his days off, I expect him to do the dishes and keep the house tidied up (and he knows this). He takes garbage out, changes the cat litter, and that's about it. He's not very "handyman-ish", so we don't even go there! He does work 12 hour shifts with a 45 minute commute each way in a high-risk profession (cop), but he truly enjoys being at work. He has a lot of sleep problems (sleeping 1-2 hrs at a time, then waking up for about an hour...it really takes a toll).

I work about 30-36 hours a week in a low-stress job, with only a 15 minute commute , and get good sleep, so I take on a bit more of the housework (don't we all?). Dishes on my days off, grocery/Target/Sams shopping, vacuum, floors, bathrooms, laundry , general cleaning.

We frequently argue about housework and him not doing his fair share - even not keeping up with the dishes. I hate waking up after working all night and seeing the kitchen a mess and the living room cluttered w/ toys, etc. After we argue, things get better for about a week and then he goes back to his same old, lazy ways. (Does this sound familiar to anyone?)

We have so many things that I would like to get caught up on around the house - redoing our front planter, painting the trim around our doors, scrubbing baseboards, etc. However, I can't even catch up w/ regular housework to start doing the other stuff! I've been trying to come up with creative ways to get him involved and make sure he does what I need him to do without sounding like I'm a nagging wife. Lists? Incentives? Ultimatums? I hate sounding like I'm his mother!

Does anyone have any ideas? Please help! I don't know what to do anymore! TIA!

 

[Casken]

I personally have given up with expecting my husband to take the initiative to do what needs to get down. We have had many arguements about this topic and his excuses are ridiculous. There is just no arguing with him. He's blind. Now, I just tell him (ask) what needs to get down and he does it. I do it in a respectful and calm way. Many men just don't have the ability to think like we do. Their brains are built differently. Anyways, I feel like I'm nagging but my husband will never ever think of these things on his own. I told him that I feel like I'm nagging but he insists that I'm not. He does not mind when I ask him to do something. I'm just careful with my tone.

Don't waste your energy expecting him to operate like you do. Just ask him to do things when they need to get done.

Like I've said it before, if I come back in another life I'm coming back as a man. They just drift through life with not a care in the world. I'm planning our trip to Disneyland. If I left it up to him we would never get there. He is the ultimate procastinator but yet he is excellent at his job.

So, stop arguing and just delegate. That works for me.

 

[Melissa]

I don't really have any advice, but I do know how tough it is on the family with someone working nights. I have a regular 4 day a week daytime job but DH works nights and has sleep issues too. I think working at night is really hard on your body, could you hire someone to do a few things? If we both worked nights I can't imagine how hard that would be!

 

[susykt4]

DH and I both work day shifts with different days off. He would love to spend his entire weekend watching sports on tv or even watching the kids play video games. We have a white board in the kitchen I divide in half. I make a list of my chores and cross them off when I finish and make a list of his chores that he can cross off. As long as his list is a reasonable length he will complete it. I try to put at least one incredibly easy task on his list.

Also, your kids are still really young and require so much care. Things will automatically get better as the baby gets older. My kids are 8 and 6 and at least can help with the basics. DH bought our DS6 a "Hokey" sweeper and he uses it all the time. Lower your expectations on both yourself and your DH a little. Seriously, isn't it awesome our husbands are spending so much one-on-one time with our kids? I'm 36 and neither my father nor any of my friends' fathers growing up would EVER have even DREAMED of spending every weekend on babysitting duty!

 

[crisi]

If you can afford it, get help. Even if its just a teenager one night a week while you are home to watch kids and help with chores. Toddlers are tough to get anything done. My help is my mother, which is great cause I don't need to pay her. She is currently painting my living room - which was not my idea - but she is retired and bored.

Give your husband easy to clean up after meals. Nothing wrong with eating a peanut butter sandwich on a paper towel or using cheap disposable plates during this time.

Also, echoing - keep your expectations low while the kids are young. In another year your toddler will be old enough for you to open a paint can, and your six year old will be more help in watching her.

(Scrubbing baseboards? Really? Run the mop across them and scrub them when your kids get into middle school and are never around).

 

[2disneyboys]

I agree w/ PP -- stop asking just delegate. My DH works odd hours - he's a longshoreman so he can work for 18 -24 hrs straight and then not work for 4 days (that's the extreme but it does happen) typically its more like 10 hr days every few days. When he's off, he does help w/ the kids and anything I "ASK" him to do, but he could walk through the house and it would never OCCUR to him that something needs to be done and do it. I've heard of selective HEARING, but selective seeing?? we used to fight about this ALL Of the time, but I finally told him that I would put a list on the fridge of what "needs" to be done and could he please do it? Guess what, he does it - even the time I put down to organize the pantry just to see if he would . Don't put a full Legal size sheet up there... list the top 3-5 things that really irk your nerves (dishes, toys, etc) both of us work (me 40 hrs week and dh usually 35-50 hours depening on ship's schedules) so it's a team effort at home. This has taken care of (not eliminated) most of the arguing about the house and that really has cleared the air at our home. Keep in mind, if you put up a list for him, he may return the favor and put up a list for you! as far as toys... my children are responsible for thier own toys (have been since they were 5 & 2) I don't care what their room looks like (I can always just shut their door if someone comes over) but if their toys are left out in the "living area" of the house and are not being played with, those toys are lost for 1 day x years old. we started with "if they are not put away when you go to bed" and worked backwards to "if your not playing with it, and it's out you lose it". It only took a few times of a "favorite" being on the high shelf in the garage before both kids got the picture... that helps take a lot off of us ... DS#1 was 5 and DS#2 was 2 when we started this and now they are 8 (almost 9) and 6 (just turned) and we RARELY have to trip over toys that are not currently in use.

It is a battle, and it's double hard for you since you don't get a lot of time together anyway, but seriously, you have to pick your battles (the things that REALLY get your nerves) and let go, accept or adjust to the things that you can. Good Luck!

 

[SoonipiLady]

I did it until my kids were old enough to go to school. DH and I almost never saw each other. There were many mornings that I would come home to dishes in the sink, clothes still in the washer, etc. It is TRULY frustrating.

DH works days but has a high stress job and 1 1/4 hour commute each way. It took me a while to realize it, but sometimes it was all he could do just to feed them, get them hosed down and into bed at a semi-normal bedtime. Especially once the little one became his own "little person" as it were (my kids are almost EXACTLY the same age apart as yours!)

Men are just wired differently. Throw a sleep disorder into the mix and I think you've got to lower your expectations. You're right, it is a sacrafice that you are making that WILL pay off in the end.

1) Find a wash-dry & fold place to drop off some of your laundry (do yours and DH's and let the laundrymat fold all those little socks & underware!),

2) Don't put off those projects you'd like to tackle. Doing that only builds resentment since you see your DH's not doing the dishes on his day off as the reason for it. More likely than not, he sees your "obsession" (I'm sure it's not truly an obsession, but he MAY see it that way) with everyday, general cleaning, as the reason that you can't get to those projects. Bring ALL the laundry to the local place this weekend and paint the door frame!

3) Probably most important, don't assume that your husband is going back to his "Lazy Ways". Sounds to me like he's just struggling to maintain. High stress, long hours, long commute and no sleep makes for a difficult existense. I've battled with insomnia and it truly messes with your brain and ability to function. Many times you don't even know it, you're THAT tired. See if he can get some help for that. If you never get to the REM stage of sleep, you never truly get re-charged and it causes all sorts of health problems.

Good luck, I know it's tough, but the most important thing is for both of you to be healthy!

Karen

 

[crisi]

1) Find a wash-dry & fold place to drop off some of your laundry (do yours and DH's and let the laundrymat fold all those little socks & underware!),

Fold socks and underwear? Is that like washing baseboards?

 

[SoonipiLady]

Fold socks and underwear? Is that like washing baseboards?

I may not do the dishes every day, but my undies are folded!!

We can't choose our obsessions, we just work with them! Some people need all the bills in thier wallet going the same direction, some need the towels hanging on the towel rack just so. We all have one...what's yours?

Come on guys....share your obsession. When u read other peoples, you actually think Whew...at least I'm lucky mine is only folded undies!

Karen

 

[disneybridetobe]

Like I've said it before, if I come back in another life I'm coming back as a man. They just drift through life with not a care in the world. I'm planning our trip to Disneyland. If I left it up to him we would never get there. He is the ultimate procastinator but yet he is excellent at his job.

So, stop arguing and just delegate. That works for me.

Isn't that the truth!? I'm coming back as a man, too! Heck, I'd like to come back as a housecat

DH is excellent at his job, he works his butt off... but when he's home, well... he's done. I just do what I can do myself, I've become pretty good at caulking, painting, all that good stuff. Sometimes it's just not worth the fight. If it's something that I *really* need him to do, I ask. Disney planning? forget it! Thats MY job!

 

[Darcy03231]

I hired someone to come in and clean on a weekly basis. DH had a fit! I told him that since we both worked full time I was tired of doing that plus all the housework. We had our cleaning lady for about 2 years when she had to close her business (she was allergic to dust, mold, pet dander, etc.). I told DH I would hold off on hiring anyone if he agreed to pitch in and help. So far so good (and its been about 6 years). He likes having the extra $$ in our pocket for other things.

 

[MiMi2Three]

If you plan on leaving him a list, like several posters have suggested, discuss this with him first at a time when you are not upset about "doing everything". Maybe you can come up with a division of the general housework based on which jobs you each prefer and then how often these jobs need to be done, such as dishes daily, laundry every 2 or 3 days, toilets once a week, etc. Another helpful tool for me has been to time how long each "job" takes, this seems to make the task less daunting. If he can look at his list and see load dishwasher...8 mins, or sweep kitchen floor 5 mins. he may be more agreeable to help.(This and many helpful ideas from the Fly Lady website) Keep his list short 3 or 4 things outside of managing the children, and the children should also be giving reasonable chores (esp. putting away their toys). The main thing to remember with your husband and children is to not just mandate what to do, in the beginning they may need to be shown how to do the chores. As simple as a task seems to someone who do it as second nature, not everyone grew up helping clean house. Also, he may need to see a doctor about his sleep deprivation, this can cause long term health problems.

 

[crisi]

One of the things I learned about my husband is that he is literal.

If I ask him "would you like to do the dishes" he says no.

If I ask him "will you do the dishes" he says yes - but he might not do them for three days.

If I say "will you do the dishes sometime this evening" they will get done before the kids go to bed. But it will just be the dishes. Not the countertops or the stove and pots and pans are not dishes, that's pots and pans (he has gotten way better about this - and now does the whole kitchen better than I do).

 

[Raidergx]

As a Husband of 11 years Ill give you the guy perspective.

My first thought is, Why do we have to do that stuff? Ok I know we need to maintain the house and we like it clean just as much as you ladies, but it is low on our priority list.

Secondly, we are not mind readers, we dont know you are mad that the dishes arnt done, tell us before you leave or get home, "Hey can you get the dishes done before i get home?" I would 'I guess" and would do it. You ladies think house work is no big deal it should be common nature to just hop up and clean and clean. Men are not that way at all. When we get off work we want to relax and consider house work a way of continuing work.

How to improve a husbands work load is quite easy.

1. Ask him to get things done and give a deadline.
2. When the tasks are completed (no matter how good the quality is) go overboard on thanking him and saying he did a good job. Random acts of kindness or doing stuff for your husband, you must let him know its because he got the stuff you wanted done.

If you keep up with that scenario for 2 weeks, you will see him improve because now he is busting his butt to get more appreciation from you. However the minute you start criticizing the way he did the dishes or how he vacuumed the floor, it will only take 2 days for him to revert to his old ways.

Men are logical thinkers, we seek work we want reward. Women see things need to be done, so do them.

I do all the cooking in our house, I let things go longer than she would but, then I get to the point to where I clean it up and then my wife notices and thanks me for it or I can just see on her face that she appreciates it. If he gets his work done tell him, go play his video games, go do his guy stuff, let him know its ok to go do his stuff now. So in his head he is thinking, hey if I do a little bit of chores I can play xbox with out feeling guilty. That goes a long way.

Men are big dumb babies sometimes, we get the same treatment as a baby, we respond. Our mind still works in a "I am in highschool" mind frame. We want the XXX stuff and want girls to like us and flirt with us. Remember to use that to your advantage to get what you want done.

I know women are thinking this guy is a shovenist pig. Why cant my husband just see it needs to be done and do it?

Newsflash: Men don't think like women.

 

[dougsmom98]

When my kids were really little, I had a really hard time keeping up with everything. It got to the point where I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even bring myself to do little things around the house. I never verbalized my feeling of being overwhelmed, I just stopped doing everything that I had always done before. All of a sudden, my DH just started doing things around the house without being asked. He stepped up and helped out. He doesn't always do things the way I would do them, but he does them and I don't nag or complain about the way he does it. For my own sanity and the sake of our marriage, I had to lower my house cleaning standards a bit. I know you are frustrated that your DH doesn't do as much as you would like him to, but perhaps it is because he knows you will do it. I also start a lot of jobs and then ask my DH to finish them. It doesn't seem like as much work to him when he doesn't have to do the whole process. I might throw in a load of wash prior to going out and I will ask him to throw it in the dryer, or I wash and dry some clothes and ask him to fold them. I might do the dishes and ask him to put them away.

Good luck.

 

[DISNEYNV]

When the kids are young and you both work especially different shifts it is hard to keep up with the house! You both need to come up with a plan as to who will do what on what day, etc. I also agree with a PP about giving him a list or note as to the directions for the day or for the kids! Give him paper plates, have him make easy meals for the kids or eat leftovers. Put the laundry in the washer and have him put it in the dryer and fold it. When you get home put it away. Sometimes it will sit for a few days and that is ok. It is not going to hurt anything that something does not get done asap. You are both busy working parents and it's not going to be easy no matter what. As long as you both still want the same things as a couple. I used to freak out too especially when iworked third shift after my DD was born. I hated it but did it for almost four years. I would have hired someone to do the cleaning after DS was born but we decided that it would benefit us as a couple and the kids if I worked less. I have been much happier since. I still work two nights a week at the same company but I love what I do. I think sometimes you have to compromise with things like this and try what works and what doesn't. If you are not happy then your husband and kids won't be happy and vice versa! Talk to your DH. He is most likely as stressed as you are. He just is showing it in a different way. Men do not have cleaning on the brain when us women freak out if the dishes do not get put away. It's sad but true!

 

[Casken]

I know women are thinking this guy is a shovenist pig. Why cant my husband just see it needs to be done and do it?

Newsflash: Men don't think like women.

No Raidergx, I certainly don't think you are a shovenist pig. I commend you for being honest as it's the truth.

It's also not a newsflash that men don't think like women. After dating, marrying, working with and finally giving birth to a male, I UNDERSTAND them now!

 

[Dallas_Lady]

Everyone has different standards of clean. I hate to stereotype, but those standards do often fall along gender lines (as they are in your case). You may get bugged that the sink is full of dishes when you come home, but your DH may think it's no big deal. Why wash the dishes when there are still clean ones that can be used?

My husband never puts his clothes away, he just leaves them stacked on top of his dresser or in a basket next to his side of the bed. To him, there is no point in putting them away when he is just going to wear them again. Same thing with making the bed; he doesn't see the point in making it every day when we just get in it and mess it up each night.

So, we compromise on some things. I stopped bugging him about the stacks of clothes on the dresser. If I want the bed made, I do it myself. If there are things I want him to to, I don't assume that he gets that it needs to be done, I have to ask. He will do whatever I ask, but I do get annoyed that I have to ask.

I like the idea of a weekly chose list, I think I'm going to start that. That way, it's clear and in black and white what needs to be done and when, and by whom.

 

[Del]

Lower your expectations of him. Just ask him to do the dishes, wipe the counter and take out the trash. He's probably exhausted.

 

[JimmyPicker]

As a Husband of 11 years Ill give you the guy perspective.

My first thought is, Why do we have to do that stuff? Ok I know we need to maintain the house and we like it clean just as much as you ladies, but it is low on our priority list.

Secondly, we are not mind readers, we dont know you are mad that the dishes arnt done, tell us before you leave or get home, "Hey can you get the dishes done before i get home?" I would 'I guess" and would do it. You ladies think house work is no big deal it should be common nature to just hop up and clean and clean. Men are not that way at all. When we get off work we want to relax and consider house work a way of continuing work.
How to improve a husbands work load is quite easy.

1. Ask him to get things done and give a deadline.
2. When the tasks are completed (no matter how good the quality is) go overboard on thanking him and saying he did a good job. Random acts of kindness or doing stuff for your husband, you must let him know its because he got the stuff you wanted done.

If you keep up with that scenario for 2 weeks, you will see him improve because now he is busting his butt to get more appreciation from you. However the minute you start criticizing the way he did the dishes or how he vacuumed the floor, it will only take 2 days for him to revert to his old ways.

Men are logical thinkers, we seek work we want reward. Women see things need to be done, so do them.

I do all the cooking in our house, I let things go longer than she would but, then I get to the point to where I clean it up and then my wife notices and thanks me for it or I can just see on her face that she appreciates it. If he gets his work done tell him, go play his video games, go do his guy stuff, let him know its ok to go do his stuff now. So in his head he is thinking, hey if I do a little bit of chores I can play xbox with out feeling guilty. That goes a long way.

Men are big dumb babies sometimes, we get the same treatment as a baby, we respond. Our mind still works in a "I am in highschool" mind frame. We want the XXX stuff and want girls to like us and flirt with us. Remember to use that to your advantage to get what you want done.

I know women are thinking this guy is a shovenist pig. Why cant my husband just see it needs to be done and do it?

Newsflash: Men don't think like women.

I know the point you're trying to make is that men and women think differently. And I'll agree somewhat about that.

But trying to make the point that men and women think about housework differently is not a valid one.

You said that women think housework is no big deal, just hop up and do it while men think housework is a continuation of work.

Newsflash for you, hon. Women think housework is a continuation of work. We *don't* think it's no big deal, just hop up and do it. We don't want to do it anymore than men do.

If it were no big deal, why are the ladies on this thread complaining about having to do it while their husbands don't?