need help--unmotivated 6 year old

[MomNeedsVacay]

Hey guys... My DH and I are getting really frustrated with our oldest child. She is completely unmotivated to learn new things and it is really beginning to upset us. She is nearly 6 years old. CAn swim well in the shallow end of the pool, but has no motivation to swim in the deep end. All of her friends and many younger friends all enjoy going off of the diving board and swimming in the deep end, and she gets sad when they leave her in the shallow end, yet doesn't even want to attempt to learn how to swim in the deep end. I've offered time and time again to work with her, but she refuses.
Its the same story with riding her bike. She definitely notices the other kids on two-wheel bikes w/ no training wheels, yet when we try to take her out and work with her on a two-wheeler, she makes no effort and cries--saying that she just can't do it. THis is the same story with working on reading skills... she says she can't do it and gives up. Often melting down into tears.

I don't want to compare my child to others' but I also know that there has to be some barometer for understanding her progress. I want her to be the best person she can be. Am I expecting too much? Taking the wrong approach? I constantly feel guilty b/c I feel like the baby takes up most of my attention during the day. I feel guilty for not having worked on these skills at a much younger age. I'm horrified b/c as she enters Kindergarten in a couple weeks, is she going to melt down or clam up every time she tries to learn something new?? Are they going to place her in the lowest level class even though I know that she is very bright??
Have any of you all dealt with this? CAn you offer any words or wisdom??
I'm near tears thinking that I've failed her in some way...

 

[Perditamarie]

I think you would all enjoy yourselves much more if you just enjoyed playing together, instead of trying to accomplish certain goals by a certain age.

Your daughter may feel such pressure to accomplish these that she may not want to try at all to avoid failure/disappointment. Let her be.

Make sure she knows that she doesn't have to do any of those things to be special.

Let her go at her own pace...remember, she is just beginning Kindergarten, not college!! At the end of Kindergarten you will be amazed at all she has accomplished and how independent she has become.

 

[Dorisk3]

I think you would all enjoy yourselves much more if you just enjoyed playing together, instead of trying to accomplish certain goals by a certain age.

Your daughter may feel such pressure to accomplish these that she may not want to try at all to avoid failure/disappointment. Let her be.

Make sure she knows that she doesn't have to do any of those things to be special.

Let her go at her own pace...remember, she is just beginning Kindergarten, not college!! At the end of Kindergarten you will be amazed at all she has accomplished and how independent she has become.

Excellent advice. She will do things when she is ready-if you spend too much time comparing her to other kids, you will never be happy. Don't feel guilty, your daughter might not be a big risk taker but that doesn't mean that she's not a wonderful bright little girl.

 

[K and K's Mommy]

She sounds like she might have some perfectionism in her and lacks a dare-devil streak that many kids have. My oldest is like this a lot!! Swimming and biking were both hard for him because he did not like to try things he couldn't do well. We have been very lucky in that academics are very easy for him so his teachers haven't seen the unwillingness to try.

We got him bike riding when his little sister started riding two wheels. He was a young 7 and she was almost 5.

For swimming I turned it over to teachers. I even swam through high school!! I had to tell the teachers to be strict and make him do it.

You may find she will do great in kindergarten with the teacher. If she is having anxiety with new things, the teacher could give you a heads up with what comes next in the curriculum. For example, if it is the sound for B, you could review it so your DD feels confident before she introduces it to the class. If it is addition, you could explain the concept with pieces of cereal, etc.

Honestly, I would wait and see with school. Some kids do not have the same fears at school that they have at home. My DS is going into 5th grade and no teacher has ever known that he doesn't like to try new things. I think he either hides it at school or just steps up to the plate and does it.

Good luck! I'm sure you are doing great!! I know swimming is a safety issue, but I wouldn't worry about bike riding right now!

 

[kathie859]

OP....let her take things at her own pace. It's not like she's going off to Harvard and isn't potty trained yet Your DD will find her niche.

As far as her appropriate placement in school, let the teacher make that decision and see how it goes. My DGS (soon to be 1st grader) is just NOT a water baby. He's taken lessons and knows how, but he's just not into it. His sister is the opposite. He's intelligent and can tell you things about animals that would simply knock your socks off and he has a great imagination and excellent verbal skills. On the other hand, last year, his DM found out that he really isn't into learning his letters and sounds. There were several words that he was to know by sight, and it was a real chore to get them learned. On the other hand, he's really into science, sports and art.

I think it's a real challenge for parents to remember that each child travels his own road at his own pace. Especially in this "EVERYBODY MUST EXCEL" environment we seem to have created.

Good luck in the coming school year. I'm sure your DD will do fine with you and her Daddy supporting her. She'll figure it out on her own what she has to do to blend into her peer group. I'd be more worried if she exhibited anti-social behavior or was shy/backward to the point of not being able to interact with others.

 

[DISNEYNV]

I have to tell you that I am in a similar situation with my DD (5), but I know that if I push her too hard with the little things that she might rebel over the BIGGER things! All kids are good at something. I know my daughter is also not very advanced when it comes to large motor skills (swimming, biking, etc.) but she also excells at academics, is a social butterfly, and is very creative and bright! Sometimes you have to look at where their talents lie and take them for who they are as an individual. Some kids can play soccer well while others want to perform on stage...it's ALL good

 

[CLR4321]

Many kids are not ready to swim in the deep end of the pool or ride a 2 wheeler at the age of 6. I remember teaching my younger brother to ride a 2 wheeler when he was 7...I was also 7 when I learned how to ride one. I did not learn to swim until I was 7, almost 8 myself. As far as reading goes, it sounds like you may be taking the wrong approach if your DD has no interest in it. Check out this site: http://www.starfall.com/ My DS is 5, also going into kindergarten. I am signing him up for swimming lessons for the Novermber sessions (it's taught at an indoor pool). He is hyperactive, but will sit and play the reading games on this site for as long as I will let him: http://www.starfall.com/ Just wait until she gets into school, since it will be soon. Let the teacher work with her on reading. If there is any concern, the teacher will let you know. You can also talk to the teacher about ways that you can help her to read. Most kids do not know how to read yet when they start kindergarten. They may recognize words, but they don't have the concept down yet of how to sound out words usually unless the parents were working with them on it while they were in preschool. As far as swimming goes...if she knows how to swim, then she can swim in any depth of water. It sounds like she may be scared of swimming in deeper water or maybe doesn't want to play near the older kids who may be splashing around a lot. I would not be concerned. if you ever have any concerns about your DD, you can always get the opinion of her pediatrician.

 

[Aneille]

My advice is to overpraise when she does try to step out of her comfort zone, even if it's not what you think is a fraction of what she is capable of doing. Build her confidence for trying to take the risk without comparing, or any "but you could/should have".

Kids with a tendency to be perfectionist can become afraid to fail. They often decide its easier not to compete to their fullest potential because its safe. They are already putting a lot of pressure on themselves and can feel the pressure even more from well meaning Mom's and Dad's.

Give her some motivation to step out of her comfort zone by offering a sticker or some other token gift for trying her best.

Pick a goal you know she can complete (like swimming one length into the deep end, or holding the wall into the deep the end and then back) Then praise like crazy to her and to her Dad and grandparents etc when she completes it. Set her up so she successful. And the following week make the challenge a little harder but still within her reach.

And if she tries and fails, praise again like crazy because she tried. Tell the world your DD tried something that was super hard for her but you are proud of her for trying.

Really focus on the act of trying instead of reaching the final goal. If she keeps trying she'll eventually get to the finish line at her own pace.

 

[cuppycake]

This sounds a lot like my DD (also 6). She tends to be a perfectionist and doesn't want to try things she isn't already good at for fear of failing. We tend to focus on the fact that everyone has some things they are good and and many things that they are not so good at. We just try our best at what we want to learn and practice practice practice!! It helps her to remind her of this when she's getting frustrated, and we generally talk about how we will just try again another time.....very low pressure.

It's actually getting much better, and lately she's been trying things that in the past she hasn't wanted to do!!

Best of luck, momma

 

[bellebud]

Hey guys... My DH and I are getting really frustrated with our oldest child. She is completely unmotivated to learn new things and it is really beginning to upset us. She is nearly 6 years old. CAn swim well in the shallow end of the pool, but has no motivation to swim in the deep end. All of her friends and many younger friends all enjoy going off of the diving board and swimming in the deep end, and she gets sad when they leave her in the shallow end, yet doesn't even want to attempt to learn how to swim in the deep end. I've offered time and time again to work with her, but she refuses.
Its the same story with riding her bike. She definitely notices the other kids on two-wheel bikes w/ no training wheels, yet when we try to take her out and work with her on a two-wheeler, she makes no effort and cries--saying that she just can't do it. THis is the same story with working on reading skills... she says she can't do it and gives up. Often melting down into tears.

your dd sounds a lot like my ds8. If he cannot do something correctly (and pretty much on his own) right away, he gets mad, gives up, etc. I recently started homeschooling, so I've been doing a lot of reading on learning styles, personalities, etc. I've discovered so much about my ds by doing this. I don't really want to recommend any particular books, because i'm still reading them and don't know which are really 'good' or not. Just google learning styles, children's personalities, and get a couple of books. I can't tell you how happy I am I did this. Also, my ds has a hard time learning things from dh or myself also - he'll listen to a teacher or coach, but his parents - not so much. We hired a college-aged lifeguard for private swimming lessons at my mom's pool when the kids were little - she was a 'cool' teen to my kids, they listened, and swam right away. It was $40 an hour (1/2 hour undivided attention each child), and it was the best money we could have spent on swimming lessons. It didn't take long at all. Good luck!

 

[mjkacmom]

For swimming, my kids start lessons at 3, and by 6, are strong swimmers (no thanks to me - I've found they are more willing to work with strangers). I don't know of any child who didn't get formal swim lessons. How much does she bike? I always told my kids no kindy before they lose the training wheels. We also scooter a lot, which helps with balance. Our method of learning to ride is to let the child coast on a bike without training wheels that is much too small for them, so he/she can sit with both feet firmly on the ground (this is after raising the training wheels to the highest level, of course). Riding on firm dirt helps, too. Three of my children entered kindergarten not able to read - if she's having trouble with phonics, try the leapfrog phonics dvd.

My dd13 is very bright (honors classes, straight A student), but if she couldn't master something immediately, she'd freak out (and sometimes still does). I've found she does better if someone other than mom or dad helps her out with it.

 

[annagirl]

Have you had her physical or cognative abilities tested? I ask because our DD was not physically adventerous at a young age and it turned out she needed glasses. Best to be sure there is nothing that can be corrected that will help her.

Best of luck.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I agreee that all children are differnt and mature at differnt times BUT some children you have to push a little bit or they will never try anything new!! My DS is still that way at 17 and DGS is very much that way though his mom was not.

Sometimes I will insist they try something (such as the deeper water) once and if they are not ok with they do not have to do it again for a certain time period.A week or month or whatever. I might also give them a deadline as to when they have to try this. Never bribe or be-little them but just make it a matter of fact statement such as " I know you can handle this but know you are a little unsure but you need to prove to yourself that you can do it.

Of course if she is dead set no about it, not a lot you can do unless it is a major issue. My DS at 6 refused to move from kindergarten to 1st grade!!! Had to be a little firmer there.

You also mentioned a new baby. Might have a LOT to do with this if this is new. Might however be the kind of kid she is and she might need help overcomming new things!

 

[jennc27]

Your DD sounds like my DS8. We bought him a bike when he was 6 and he did great with the training wheels, but the minute we took them off he did not want to ride the bike anymore. This summer he saw the kids out on their bikes and about three weeks ago he came in and said that he wanted to ride his bike. We worked with him a day and he has been riding ever since. He also does not the deep end of the pool, but we notice every year he goes out a little bit more. We have learned to just drop hits or suggestions to him and let him make the chose to do it. Good luck!

 

[laceemouse]

You need to chill out. None of my kids are athletic, so what? They are all smart, but were way late on bike riding, have no desire to play sports, etc.

As far as school goes, if they are judging kids and putting them in a lower "group" at the beginning of kindergarten I would find a new school. Why would any school put that kind of pressure on a 5 year old? We homeschool now, but when our kids were in school we were always told that kids starting kindergarten have a HUGE range of skills and abilities. Some start reading already and others start hardly knowing the letters. By the end of the year all of them are reading for the most part.

I think you are already creating friction with her by making her feel she does not meet up to your standards. I would fear the teen years if I were you!

 

[Aneille]

I really think you just need to focus on the act of trying and not get upset. My 7 year old had this problem with some activities and also at times reading. BTW she's an excellent reader now even though the first few weeks of 1st grade were filled with tears during reading time at home. Her confidence grew as she is going through school and also I think partly because I really push "trying" now over the final outcome.

http://www.oxfordlearning.com/letstalk/2008/feb/12/why-some-students-dont-even-try/

The below exceprt is taken from this article: http://www.parentmap.com/content/view/75

Tips for helping the risk-adverse child
What can parents (and teachers) do to help risk-averse children meet new challenges? Chris Ladish, M.D., offers these tips:

■Emphasize effort as much as outcome. Praise the fact that the child tries. Help lay a foundation for the child to develop a self-appraisal that is defined in terms of effort and willingness as much as much as in the end result.
■Take breaks. None of us is at our best when pushed beyond our limits. Taking a break and then coming back to a task can help a child regroup and feel more energized to return to that task.
■Try to end on positive notes. Divide complex tasks into smaller, more doable segments, and celebrate the completion of each.
■Create a healthy balance between challenging projects and tasks and easy ones.
■Review the day with your child. Spend time talking about success.
■Catch the child doing "right." The more a child hears and receives praise for positive efforts, the more that child will come to internalize that message. The expectation is that this will contribute to an increased willingness to keep trying.
■Embrace failure and assist the child not to fear it. Failure or lack of success is an essential element of learning that helps us shape our future strategies to challenges. All of us had to fall many times before we learned to walk.

 

[StitchFanZ]

Sometimes, all we parents have to do is love and cherish them for who they are in order for them to become the best they can be. Its Ok to have training wheels on a bike for as long as they want. Its OK to not swim in the deep end. Its OK to not do everything everyone else is doing. Everyone has different skills and abilities and grows at different rates. Think ahead to the teen years - do you want her to always feel like she ahs to do what everyone else is doing? Let her see and learn that is OK to be different now and it may help later.

You have not failed - sounds like she simply walks to the beat of different drummer. Let her know that you are there to help if and when she decides to do these things and then just relax and enjoy your kids.

 

[disney_family_1247]

I know it's hard, but you really do have to look at your daughter as an individual and not compare her to other kids. She sounds a lot like my son, who is my second child. He has done many things a year or two behind when his older sister did them, and I've learned to accept that is the way he is. For example, he refused to get in the water with his swimming class at the YMCA. He didn't like it when I tried to get him to learn to swim with me. All of a sudden, this summer, he learned how to swim all on his own. He's very proud of his accomplishment and confident in the pool. He is six and a half.

If your daughter is melting down at reading lessons, then I suggest (as someone with a Masters in Elementary Education) that you stop doing them. If she's starting K soon, she will be learning to read there. Your job will be to reinforce what she's learning at school, but don't overload her with extras.

 

[Jill in Chicago]

It's tough with your oldest child. You feel like its one huge test and you are failing. On top of that other parents will flat out tell you that your parenting skills stink, and theirs, of course, are perfect. You will see other children excelling, looking perfect, sailing along, and you'll think, "Why is my child struggling?"

My biggest advice? Look at your child like a grandparent would look at your child. What would they see? They'd see wonder in their eyes, and love in their heart. They would glow just to be with them.

Take time to change your eyes. Stop looking for things to fix or areas to improve upon. Accept your child just like she is. Many firstborns are afraid to try new things, because they want to do everything perfectly. They fear they will fail so they don't try at all, or they wait to try later.

When your daughter cries give a simple statement, "I know you are sad. When you are ready, you can join them in the deep end of the pool. It's your choice."

If she continues to cry and pester you be firm, "We can leave the pool, or you can stay. I can play with you for a little bit and then you are on your own." Then bring the baby in, and go play a little.

Our youngest did not want to go to pre-school. He sobbed at the thought. So we skipped pre-school. I actually had people tell me, "He's going to be so behind. You have to PUSH him."

Oh nonsense. This same young man, now a sophomore in high school went to the state level on both the Math and Science teams. He's a double black belt. He is a great kid and very well rounded. He is not behind.

Flash back to my oldest, oh my goodness I would have been a mess if he didn't want to go to pre-school. I would not have had the backbone to stand up to the public criticism.

 

[Poohbug]

Just this week, I told my two oldest boys that they could not play any video or computer games until they learned to tie their shoes and at least work on riding bikes without training wheels.

Well, they both were tying shoes by the end of the day and the younger one did practice on his bike. Sometimes it just takes the right motivation.

My oldest DS is 9 and still does not know how to ride a bike. He sees his friends riding and would like to ride with them-but not enough to try to learn himself. I am not pushing him because bike riding is not essential to life. Sometimes you just have to let things go and let them do things when they are ready.

As far as reading goes-I find that my 6 yr old can read pretty well when there is no pressure. But whip out those flash cards or a worksheet and he can't or won't read the words he knows. I try to make up games for him to practice his reading or just make sure there is no pressure at all in what we read.