Need Help! Send a gift or not? And what?

[magicmato]

Let me just explain a bit first.

My cousin is getting married in a few months. The event is just before we have another big thing we are traveling for. The wedding will be held a LONG way away, meaning we would have to get there the day before, stay over night, attend the wedding, stay over night and then travel home. Which means we would have to take Friday off and travel a LONG way with a 2 year old and a 5 year old.

I do not know this person, really. We used to play as kids, as we are cousins, but I can honestly say that it has been well over 20 years since I have spoken a word to him.

My mom says to just send my regrets if we do not want to go and send a gift. Um... I do not know this person and have never sent a gift to anyone without attending the function, since I generally attend all events since I KNOW the people and want to celebrate with them.

I am uncomfortable with this, as I have no earthly idea who this person is anymore ( I think he was 7 or 8 when we last had any real conversation), I never talk to his parents either, so would have no clue what to get.

So, what would you do?

 

[crz4mm2]

Send regrets (if there was a RSVP attached). If you REALLY feel you need to send something, send a congrats card.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

Since it is a relative, I would RSVP to say I would not be able to attend and I would send a gift. Usually, people are registered somewhere. Although, I would definitely understand not sending a gift! You have no obligation to people you don't know. I would just send the gift because the person is a relative.

 

[Pam]

Well - did he send you a gift when you got married?

If not, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[EthansMom]

I definitely wouldn't attend the wedding due to time/money restraints.

Two similar situations I've had:

We were invited to the wedding of my cousin. We hadn't seen each other in at least 10 years and the wedding was far enough away that we wouldn't be able to attend. However, I liked this cousin. Also, she and her husband were just graduating from college. I sent our regrets and sent a card for $100, which was acknowledged with a thoughtful note of thanks.

We were also invited to the wedding of the grandson of DH's great-uncle (so a distant cousin). We'd last seen him about 3 years ago, but had never been close. Again, the wedding was too far away for us to attend. I sent our regrets, but didn't send a monetary gift.

You are only required (per etiquette) to give a gift if you attend the wedding.

 

[magicmato]

Well - did he send you a gift when you got married?

If not, I wouldn't worry about it.

No, as it was 12 years ago and he was still in high school.

 

[CEDmom]

Honestly, you have to wonder why your were even invited since you haven't kept in touch with your cousin. I'd send regrets along with a nice note wishing the couple a wonderful life together.

 

[Pam]

No, as it was 12 years ago and he was still in high school.

Well, I still don't think I would send a gift if you haven't had any contact in all of those years.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is OK to send regrets and then not send a gift. You do not know these people and that is what makes the difference in my book.

 

[magicmato]

Honestly, you have to wonder why your were even invited since you haven't kept in touch with your cousin. I'd send regrets along with a nice note wishing the couple a wonderful life together.

See, I asked my mom that! I said: I don't even know the kid! Why were we invited?

Her response? Because he is the first of those cousins to be married (he has 2 brothers) and I am family. Yea, ok.

She added that he was invited to my wedding, and I mentioned how he was invited as a child of my uncle, not because I knew him or wanted him there. He spent my whole wedding outside sulking and said not one word to me, other than saluting me as he patrolled up and down infront of the church wearing his ROTC uniform!

Odd!

My mom said to send a gift, but I would not want to send much, as I do not know him and am afraid that if I spend a lot for him, his parents will expect that same amount for the other two! (Whom I do not know either!)

 

[magicmato]

Thank you to all who replied. You confirmed my husband's feelings that it is rediculous to expect us to send a "nice gift" to someone who is a virtual stranger just because they are family. The only correspondence we have gotten from him has been from his fiance leading up to this wedding, like a holiday card from the two of them last christmas (which we found odd since it was the only card we have ever gotten from his side of the family!) and then this invitation to the wedding.

I like the idea of a card with a thoughtful note wishing them all the best in marriage. I would be afraid they would resent it if I only sent a $25 or $50 gift!

 

[Kim1964]

I think regrets and a nice card are plenty for people you don't know.