Need help on how to approach friend.

[NHdisneylover]

Thanks for the updates and I agree with everyone that you did well

 

[wilderness01]

 

[Disney Doll]

Do you really believe that most affairs are started by women? I guess that makes it easier for you.

The women are skanks, tarts and other names. what's the man? Just a poor confused man who is being dragged in by the hair like Samson and Delilah? It's so easy to think it's only HER.

Nah...pretty much they are both skanks. I don't believe th eman is confused, stupid or being dragged anywhere.

I just think that all the baloney about "the other person didn't make a vow to you, your spouse did" is just that...baloney. It has nothing to do with anyone's vows to anyone. It has to do with personal values and a sense of what is right and wrong. I wouldn't steal, I wouldn't cheat, I wouldn't kill anyone...I have too much repsect for myself to lower myself to those levels.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't know if I am just dense but I really don't know what the heck you are talking about Because this guy is feeling attracted to another woman, he needs professional help? Really? I will admit on here once again...I have been attracted to soemone other than my husband and I needed a good long talk with my best friend to help me see what I would be giving up for just a new 'thrill'. I didn't realize that that makes me in need of professional help or a '*******' or any of the other things being thrown around here. I think it makes me a human being who is honest enough to admit that not everything is perfect all the time ands sometimes you need a little help to see the forest through the trees. Some of you(general you, not you personally) seem to have wonderful,happy marriages that have never hit a snag. That's great and I'm happy for you but realize that that is a rarity b/c most everyone I know who has been married at least 10 years has had ups and downs.

I have been married 19 years. While I have found people attractive throughout those 19 years, never did it cross my mind to have an affair with any of them. never have I played with fire, which is what the OP's friend is doing...he's already to the point where if he was my DH and I found out this kind of stuff was going on, we'd have a big problem.

Ups & downs in my marriage do not make me immediately think that I should go out and find a replacement.

 

[rie'smom]

Nah...pretty much they are both skanks. I don't believe th eman is confused, stupid or being dragged anywhere.

I just think that all the baloney about "the other person didn't make a vow to you, your spouse did" is just that...baloney. It has nothing to do with anyone's vows to anyone. It has to do with personal values and a sense of what is right and wrong. I wouldn't steal, I wouldn't cheat, I wouldn't kill anyone...I have too much repsect for myself to lower myself to those levels.

 

[Disney Doll]

Whoa... I feel like I walked into a room while a bunch of people were talking about me!!

Yes, at 20 I met a man I THOUGHT was the man of my dreams. He courted me AND a friend of mine then told me he had nothing in common with her and continued to date me.

We dated for a few months when I found out not only was he MARRIED, his wife was in the hospital having his child when we met!! I was NAUSEATED and dropped him like a hot sausage.

He NEVER told me about her or his kids. He met my family and visited me at school. I felt worse for her than for me, I couldn't believe someone could be so cruel to someone who was giving her life for him.

I don't defend the other woman. I just believe sometimes she doesn't KNOW. Sure there are those who do know and shame on them. But SHAME on him for hurting not just his wife's heart but leading another woman on. It took me awhile to trust anyone again. It was 30 years ago and it still smarts. I hate what he did to me and to her.... and later I found out he was dating ANOTHER girl in my college..

BTW, I pray for anyone who is hurting and is threatened with cancer, even those who try to hurt me. They don't know me, but God does. I've lost half my family to cancer and wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

I will agree with you that there are times when the married person is pretty good at hiding the fact that they are married from the "Other Person". I would assume the "Other Person" ends the affair one he/she finds out about the marriage, as you did.

So I will rephrase what I said.

I think pursuing someone that you KNOW is married is wrong. I think remaining with someone once you KNOW they are married is wrong. I also think that the married person is just as wrong. I do not hold them blameless. Believe me, if DH ever cheated, the Other Woman would not have to be the one worrying..he would. Yeah, if she knew he was married and hooked up with him anyway I'd think she was a skank, but he'd be the one who'd pay the price, not her.

 

[JVelasquez]

Are you kidding me? The guy is a joke!

 

[krcit]

I have been married 19 years. While I have found people attractive throughout those 19 years, never did it cross my mind to have an affair with any of them. never have I played with fire, which is what the OP's friend is doing...he's already to the point where if he was my DH and I found out this kind of stuff was going on, we'd have a big problem.

Ups & downs in my marriage do not make me immediately think that I should go out and find a replacement.

My post that you quoted was directed to another poster who had said something I didn't understand and she answered me.

The OP asked for advice on how to talk to his friend who was struggling with having feelings for a co-worker. A lot of posters on here wanted to immediately crucify the guy AND the OP. I didn't. I believe that the OP's friend needed to talk to someone and realize what he was risking and why..ie.boredom, the thrill of someone finding him attractive. If you read the update, that is exactly what happened and the guy is going to keep away from the co-worker. So, a human being who was tempted, talked it out with his friend, realized that he wanted and needed to do the right thing and is doing it. A grown-up decision.

 

[NHdisneylover]

My post that you quoted was directed to another poster who had said something I didn't understand and she answered me.

The OP asked for advice on how to talk to his friend who was struggling with having feelings for a co-worker. A lot of posters on here wanted to immediately crucify the guy AND the OP. I didn't. I believe that the OP's friend needed to talk to someone and realize what he was risking and why..ie.boredom, the thrill of someone finding him attractive. If you read the update, that is exactly what happened and the guy is going to keep away from the co-worker. So, a human being who was tempted, talked it out with his friend, realized that he wanted and needed to do the right thing and is doing it. A grown-up decision.

I see it the same way that you do--but we do seem to be a minority here. I think it is just more fun to jump to conclusions and have a "bad guy."
Either way I am happy that Toad was nice enough to post an update and that the update was positive.

 

[krcit]

I see it the same way that you do--but we do seem to be a minority here. I think it is just more fun to jump to conclusions and have a "bad guy."
Either way I am happy that Toad was nice enough to post an update and that the update was positive.

 

[KellyWasHere]

Poor guy. Sounds like he has a nice wife and family, and now he gets to work with a semi-attractive woman who has some stuff in common with him. Boo hoo, life is so unfair.

 

[disykat]

I see it the same way that you do--but we do seem to be a minority here. I think it is just more fun to jump to conclusions and have a "bad guy."
Either way I am happy that Toad was nice enough to post an update and that the update was positive.

I don't think all of us thought Toad was the bad guy, but a lot of us were confused about why Toad thought the guy had a valid issue and seemed to be feeling bad for his dilema. IMO, the initial post seemed to be expecting a "poor guy that must be rough" reaction, rather than a "tell him to man up" response.

I'm glad Toad did the right thing.

 

[KellyWasHere]

I just read your last post about what happened with your friend, Toad_Passenger (I thought I read through the last page but actually missed several pages). Everything you did sound great and blunt and encouraging. He's lucky to have you as a friend!