Need help on how to approach friend.

[TheBigBadWolf]

By the way...women that knowingly choose to be the other woman is just trash. For most women it's just a power thing anyways just to say that they could.

MTE!

 

[Lionqueen2]

Despite the feeling many people here have towards the 'confused' husband, I think most folks think you are being a good friend to meet with the husband and help him on his way to avoid a very bad marital situation.
I think you are a good friend and wish you much luck when you meet with your friend tonight.

 

[AndreaDM]

Wow, I have no advice that wasn't already given, but just wanted you to know that I've been in your shoes and it does stink. I'm a female and my bff of almost 20 years had an affair last year that lasted several months. She has since reconciled with her husband, but it really was no fun being the person she called with all her dilemma. Trust me, they only want to hear what they want to hear!! They do NOT want to hear that it's wrong. Looking back, I wish I'd been firmer with her, but instead, I just avoided her for a while. I hate confrontation of any kind and hated being in that position.

from another poster:

Being the listening ear. Telling her what I honestly thought she should do, but watching her ignore my advice time and time again. There's a certain point in all that where you'll begin to feel complicit in your friend's indiscretions. It's not a good feeling AT ALL.

I couldn't agree more! Good luck tonight Toad...it'll be tough to have a fun guys night out when you know what you gotta do.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If something is making them look googly eyed at someone else then it's not that other person, it's the person staring that has something going on.

Temptation is everywhere everyday for everyone .... It's called being a grown up and making the right decision and not being a selfish *** that needs to "find themselves."

Very well said.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't know if I am just dense but I really don't know what the heck you are talking about Because this guy is feeling attracted to another woman, he needs professional help?

Apparantly, you don't seem to know what I am/was talking about....
I have very clearly said, with the red flags that I see with this 'friend', and if this friend is truly thinking and acting as the OP describes.... then the fact that there is some tempting woman at work is the least thing....

I see a lot more going on here other than a guy thinking 'man, this woman is hot!!!!" A LOT more.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Apparantly, you don't seem to know what I am/was talking about....
I have very clearly said, with the red flags that I see with this 'friend', and if this friend is truly thinking and acting as the OP describes.... then the fact that there is some tempting woman at work is the least thing....

I see a lot more going on here other than a guy thinking 'man, this woman is hot!!!!" A LOT more.

You have really not been very clear AT ALL as to what the "a lot more" could be. Please, the OP cannot help his friend and look for this "more" if you will nto say directly what it is--so please do so.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, if you are still here...

As as been suggested, a very clear, blunt. black-and-white approach may be the only way to go.

If this friend is the way you have described, hemming and hawing, gray areas, emotions, morals, 'feelings', and 'think', etc.. will not have a any effect here.

And, again, I think you need to be deciding sooner than later how you want to deal with this personally, as it will make a clear statement about you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You have really not been very clear AT ALL as to what the "a lot more" could be. Please, the OP cannot help his friend and look for this "more" if you will nto say directly what it is--so please do so.

I have been as clear as I feel that I can be on a public chat-board.
I have chosen my words carefully... and still risk offending the OP.

So, what you see is what you get.

I have just posted, again, the most clear advice that I can give the OP to help him and his friend.

Sorry if that isn't enough.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I think understand what Wishing on a Star means.

Men come across "hot" women everyday. They might even have their attention. But to become confused and not know what to do over some attention from another woman, does signal some problems *somewhere* must exist.

Ordinarily, some attention from someone of the opposite sex doesn't flip the switch to confusion that easily.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, in a way Annie, I think you do understand.

In a usual, normal, situation like this... Hey, I would be like some of the others here... This guy is pig, a jerk, a despicable excuse for a man/husband/father. Pretty clear cut, right??????

But, personally, based on details and nuances posted directly by the OP, I don't think that this is the usual, normal, scenario.

 

[krcit]

Apparantly, you don't seem to know what I am/was talking about....
I have very clearly said, with the red flags that I see with this 'friend', and if this friend is truly thinking and acting as the OP describes.... then the fact that there is some tempting woman at work is the least thing....

I see a lot more going on here other than a guy thinking 'man, this woman is hot!!!!" A LOT more.

Do you mean that there is lot more going on in the marriage? As in a lot wrong with it? I understand that of course b/c id everything was completely wonderful at home then he wouldn't be tempted hy this woman but I seem to think that you're implying something more 'sinister' which for the life of me I cannot figure out.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Do you mean that there is lot more going on in the marriage? As in a lot wrong with it? I understand that of course b/c id everything was completely wonderful at home then he wouldn't be tempted hy this woman but I seem to think that you're implying something more 'sinister' which for the life of me I cannot figure out.

No, nothing sinister!!!! Sorry!!!!!

But, yes other factors and issues regarding the friend just as much as his marriage or his wife.

 

[SaraJayne]

If I recall Robin has said in the past she has been "the other woman".
I have big issues with people that have affairs. If you're not happy in a relationship then do the right thing for everyone involved, especially if there are kids, get a divorce and move on. Doesn't matter if you're male, female, straight or gay.
Any woman that has an affair with any man, regardless how she feels about his marriage and how the wife is taking care of his needs, is nothing but a common -fill in the blank here-.

I agree.

 

[FergieTCat]

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

Tell him to grow up.

 

[handinpocket]

If I recall Robin has said in the past she has been "the other woman". I have big issues with people that have affairs. If you're not happy in a relationship then do the right thing for everyone involved, especially if there are kids, get a divorce and move on. Doesn't matter if you're male, female, straight or gay.
Any woman that has an affair with any man, regardless how she feels about his marriage and how the wife is taking care of his needs, is nothing but a common -fill in the blank here-.

Let me get this straight. You are not absolutley sure that Robin was the "other woman", but you are going to put this out there? Robin came onto your thread when you were asking for prayers because you were scared you had cancer, and she was there to support and CARE and you call her a common - fill in the blank here.

I sure don't think the common trash is Robin.

 

[phorsenuf]

Let me get this straight. You are not absolutley sure that Robin was the "other woman", but you are going to put this out there? Robin came onto your thread when you were asking for prayers because you were scared you had cancer, and she was there to support and CARE and you call her a common - fill in the blank here.

I sure don't think the common trash is Robin.

See, I knew someday that would be thrown up. First off, if I recall with Robin, that was a long time ago and from what I gather she isn't like that presently. People do make mistakes. And just because I have an opinion of something doesn't mean I don't like her, it's just I don't agree with what was done.

I appreciate the good thoughts and warm words she expressed but does that mean anytime I don't agree with someones opinion who was kind enough to respond to my thread I should never express my thoughts?

I know no matter what I say, or try to say it, it just won't come across the right way. But I'm sorry I upset you.

 

[2binak]

Maybe it's not confusion I'm feeling more than a sense that we're all getting older and there's a lot that starts happening in life. We've had friends lose their parents recently (totally not ready for that to start happening), I've just watched my BIL's marriage dissolve (again, not fun). Now this gets laid in front of me, and it's just another situation I'd rather not deal with...

...Of course I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, everyone here is also correct, at some point I have to set that aside and be blunt about it. That's what I'm taking from this.

OP - I understand a bit of where you're coming from. DH and I have both had to deal with some pretty heavy situations with our families & friends in the last 5 or so years. It can seem overwhelming at times and really wear you down. I understand why you wanted to get other people's opinions. Your probably emotionally spent. Even if to all of us here outside of the situation, it seems pretty cut & dry, it doesn't feel that way to you at all. The best advice I can give you goes along with what so many others here have said - be blunt, be honest. You're talking about a friend of 20 years. If you can't be blunt and honest with someone you've been close to for that long, who can you be blunt & honest with?

DH's best friend just went through a nasty divorce. DH was, IMO, coddling his friend for fear of hurting him anymore than he was already hurting. I could understand it, but I didn't think it was healthy. It wasn't until DH started to get truly honest with his friend that his friend was able to make some important realizations & some important decisions. I think your friend may be in a similar situation and you'll be doing him a HUGE favor by being honest with him now, before he sinks any deeper. Good luck OP!

 

[Imzadi]

Basically a new girl has started at his work and they both have a ton in common. She's fairly attractive, and the common bonds they share only seem to enhance that image, in his mind. This girl is obviously interested (even though she knows he's married) because she constantly changes her facebook status talking about things like, "Why are all the good ones taken," etc.

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

They have 3 lovely daughters and it just seems like a completely unfair situation.

First of all, her being new at work may be suspicious to me. He really doesn't know her all that well. NO ONE odes in fact. How does your friend know if she left her last place of work for the same reasons? Got into a dicey situation with a married/unavailable coworker, then had to beat a hasty exit?

What's this, "Why are all the good ones taken?" HAS she been through this scenario before? Maybe she is only interested in unavailable men. Once they become available, she dumps them or she leaves?

As for Life being unfair to him, what about it being unfair to his 3 daughters if he leaves? They certainly didn't ask to come here, thinking their dad is "The One" great dad, only to find he turns out to be a sch****, who cuts and runs when the grass gets greener. They won't get a choice like he did. Also, whatever HE does will scar and influence how they perceive men, and who they ultimately choose in partners. Will they chooses someone who honors their commitments, or someone like their dad, who leaves? NOT fair to them.

 

[Robinrs]

If you read my further post, you'll see my answer.

You seem to be protesting an awful lot about the "other woman"...

If I recall Robin has said in the past she has been "the other woman".
I have big issues with people that have affairs. If you're not happy in a relationship then do the right thing for everyone involved, especially if there are kids, get a divorce and move on. Doesn't matter if you're male, female, straight or gay.
Any woman that has an affair with any man, regardless how she feels about his marriage and how the wife is taking care of his needs, is nothing but a common -fill in the blank here-.

Let me get this straight. You are not absolutley sure that Robin was the "other woman", but you are going to put this out there? Robin came onto your thread when you were asking for prayers because you were scared you had cancer, and she was there to support and CARE and you call her a common - fill in the blank here.

I sure don't think the common trash is Robin.

See, I knew someday that would be thrown up. First off, if I recall with Robin, that was a long time ago and from what I gather she isn't like that presently. People do make mistakes. And just because I have an opinion of something doesn't mean I don't like her, it's just I don't agree with what was done.

I appreciate the good thoughts and warm words she expressed but does that mean anytime I don't agree with someones opinion who was kind enough to respond to my thread I should never express my thoughts?

I know no matter what I say, or try to say it, it just won't come across the right way. But I'm sorry I upset you.

Whoa... I feel like I walked into a room while a bunch of people were talking about me!!

Yes, at 20 I met a man I THOUGHT was the man of my dreams. He courted me AND a friend of mine then told me he had nothing in common with her and continued to date me.

We dated for a few months when I found out not only was he MARRIED, his wife was in the hospital having his child when we met!! I was NAUSEATED and dropped him like a hot sausage.

He NEVER told me about her or his kids. He met my family and visited me at school. I felt worse for her than for me, I couldn't believe someone could be so cruel to someone who was giving her life for him.

I don't defend the other woman. I just believe sometimes she doesn't KNOW. Sure there are those who do know and shame on them. But SHAME on him for hurting not just his wife's heart but leading another woman on. It took me awhile to trust anyone again. It was 30 years ago and it still smarts. I hate what he did to me and to her.... and later I found out he was dating ANOTHER girl in my college..

BTW, I pray for anyone who is hurting and is threatened with cancer, even those who try to hurt me. They don't know me, but God does. I've lost half my family to cancer and wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Whoa... I feel like I walked into a room while a bunch of people were talking about me!!

Yes, at 20 I met a man I THOUGHT was the man of my dreams. He courted me AND a friend of mine then told me he had nothing in common with her and continued to date me.

We dated for a few months when I found out not only was he MARRIED, his wife was in the hospital having his child when we met!! I was NAUSEATED and dropped him like a hot sausage.

He NEVER told me about her or his kids. He met my family and visited me at school. I felt worse for her than for me, I couldn't believe someone could be so cruel to someone who was giving her life for him.

I don't defend the other woman. I just believe sometimes she doesn't KNOW. Sure there are those who do know and shame on them. But SHAME on him for hurting not just his wife's heart but leading another woman on. It took me awhile to trust anyone again. It was 30 years ago and it still smarts. I hate what he did to me and to her.... and later I found out he was dating ANOTHER girl in my college..

BTW, I pray for anyone who is hurting and is threatened with cancer, even those who try to hurt me. They don't know me, but God does. I've lost half my family to cancer and wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

I'm not bashing but weren't there any red flags?
--only calls from a cell phone
--calls are at odd hours
--never go out in public on a date
--never go to his place, he always comes to yours
--he always calls the shots on getting together...when, where, etc.

I think there are a lot of women out there that don't want to see the obvious and sometimes are so lonely for attention that they just accept what is presented to them. Seen it with my girlfriends a few times.