Need help on how to approach friend.

[rhonimouse]

This is a bad situation!! He probably is not at a good place in his relationship, maybe having self doubt and low self esteem or this would not even intrigue him- but that is no excuse!! Marriage takes work, it is not all wine and roses. I have been married for 16 years and 6 years ago I was the "wife" in this situation. I was married to a loving, respectable man that had despised cheaters, even cutting ties with a few of his own friends that had betrayed their families. I never thought he would cheat, ever! We hit a rough patch in our relationship and someone at work was more friendly and attentive~ it was all fun and games, not the hum drum daily chores of keeping a home or relationship running...well, things happened; a common friend held his secret in confidence- I was betrayed twice- by my husband and our friend that kept his secret. It took many years and lots of commitment and counseling to rebuild our relationship but I am still very happily married to my husband. We did not stay in our relationship for our children, it had to be about us- our genuine love for each other....but our kids have reaped the benefits of having 2 parents that worked through these issues and truly love each other!

Trust is a very hard thing to regain if lost, and sometimes it can never be restored. That is true in marriages and even friendships- if he does choose to cheat, you need to be honest with his wife who you are also friends with. She doesn't deserve to be betrayed twice....Tell your friend that there is a difference between Love and lust....Love is forever, knows your faults and weaknesses and loves you anyway-whether you are sick, healthy, rich or poor, grumpy of happy....Lust is for the moment, an immediate physical connection that is not based on any lasting emotion- If he falls to temptation and lets lust win, he could lose love forever....

One more point, If this lady is willing to cheat with him even though he is married- it probably means that she would to cheat on him in the future....

 

[SaraJayne]

While I have no respect for a woman who deliberately and knowingly gets involved with a married man, I disagree that she is "just as wrong." She took no vows, and she has no responsibility to uphold his. And the same goes for a man who gets involved with a married woman, of course.

I think people sometimes want to label the other woman a "man stealer" or "home wrecker" because they want to believe that husbands (especially their own) won't stray unless they are somehow tempted beyond their control. But the truth is, every married person has the ability and the responsibility* to say "no." Saying "she tempted me" is just as childish, and just as wrong, as the kid who whacks his sister for looking at him crosseyed and then says "but SHE started it!" or the teen who drinks because "my friends were doing it." We don't accept that as an excuse from our children and we shouldn't accept it from an adult.

*Unless both spouses agree otherwise, etc.

I agree with you...the man isn't blameless in that situation. I have no respect for a woman that pursues married men and the men that chase skirts (other than their wife's).

 

[SaraJayne]

Rhonimouse makes a good point. Be sure to tell your friend that if he cheats, you *will* tell his wife.

 

[Wishing on a star]

As to the defense of my friend. I don't think I have defended him any more than anyone else would defend somebody who has been a dear friend for over 20 years. Of course I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, everyone here is also correct, at some point I have to set that aside and be blunt about it. That's what I'm taking from this.

If this person is so very upset and confused...
And if they are the way I suspect that they are, based on the info that you, yourself, posted,
then pure and simple 'bluntness' and black and white is the only way to go.

emotional and moral argument will probably not serve well.

I will also say again, that if this person is the way you describe, and is thinking the way you say, and is just so torn and confused.... I think the very LEAST of their issues is this woman. I really think that they could probably use some professional counseling. Although I doubt very highly that you could suggest this with any success.

And, again, take a good look at how you handle this is going to speak about YOU if your friend goes forward with this, and everything comes to light. (which it will)

I think some of the feedback here on this thread, which has been based on your posts and your own 'confusion' and 'ambiguity', is very telling of the reaction that you might find with your wife, this 'friends' spouse, and your family, etc....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Rhonimouse makes a good point. Be sure to tell your friend that if he cheats, you *will* tell his wife.

I disagree with this.
One person is not another person's keeper.

I would however, tell him that you want NO part of any extramarital interests... That if he does tell you and expect you to support it and provide alibi's, that you simply will NOT.

Also, tell him that you have NO secrets with your wife.
And, if your wife happens to find out, what she chooses to tell his wife is her call.

Just tell him that if he thinks his wife won't find out, he is very mistaken... The truth ALWAYS comes out in one way or another.

 

[Robinrs]

BS

The woman is just as much in the wrong as the married man. Women that pursue married men (or get involved with married men) are skanks.

Do you really believe that most affairs are started by women? I guess that makes it easier for you.

The women are skanks, tarts and other names. what's the man? Just a poor confused man who is being dragged in by the hair like Samson and Delilah? It's so easy to think it's only HER.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Rhonimouse makes a good point. Be sure to tell your friend that if he cheats, you *will* tell his wife.

I agree. It would be good to let him know you don't condone it and you consider his wife a friend too and wouldn't sit back and watch her be treated this way.

Not quite the same, but I dated a guy for years in college and one of his friends did this. He told me, he said to my BF, if he didn't tell me he would. He was a friend of mine too. I respected him before, but it meant the world to me that he would stand up for me.

 

[Robinrs]

Maybe it's not confusion I'm feeling more than a sense that we're all getting older and there's a lot that starts happening in life. We've had friends lose their parents recently (totally not ready for that to start happening), I've just watched my BIL's marriage dissolve (again, not fun). Now this gets laid in front of me, and it's just another situation I'd rather not deal with.

Certainly life isn't easy, but it takes some getting used to when the realities of life start hitting home. Never, in a million years, did I think I would have to deal with someone close to me going through something like this, and, I guess, I've never prepared myself on how to deal with it. I applaud anyone out there who is perfect enough to know what to do in every situation, but I'm not that person. I certainly hope none of you mind if I steal some of your words from here to use when I speak to him tonight, because I'm still not sure I'm completely ready to tackle this perfectly.

Any "offense" that I took was strictly for the people accusing me of posting about myself. I love my wife and my kids more than anything else in this world (see one of my previous threads about worrying about leaving them Fatherless because of a weird mole). To have someone who knows nothing about me call that into question really hurts. So, I'm sorry if I came off as being offended, but I couldn't believe what I was reading.As to the defense of my friend. I don't think I have defended him any more than anyone else would defend somebody who has been a dear friend for over 20 years. Of course I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, everyone here is also correct, at some point I have to set that aside and be blunt about it. That's what I'm taking from this.

TP; don't waste your time being offended. These people are reflecting their own pain and know nothing about you. You've brought up their biggest fear and you will become their beating post. Been there, done that. Could care less.

 

[rhonimouse]

I disagree with this.
One person is not another person's keeper.

I would however, tell him that you want NO part of any extramarital interests... That if he does tell you and expect you to support it and provide alibi's, that you simply will NOT.

Also, tell him that you have NO secrets with your wife.
And, if your wife happens to find out, what she chooses to tell his wife is her call.

Just tell him that if he thinks his wife won't find out, he is very mistaken... The truth ALWAYS comes out in one way or another.

my only point was that the poster said he was friends with BOTH the husband and wife since high school. If this is true, she deserves him to be a true friend and protect her interests also, not just the husband's. Sounds like Husband in question may not really be a good friend to poster or he should/would not put him in this position, probably just wanted someone to validate his feelings to give him some sort of approval. He probably feels a little guilty and may even know it is wrong, but if he can gain some approval and support...maybe he thinks he can justify it somehow.....

 

[SaraJayne]

Do you really believe that most affairs are started by women? I guess that makes it easier for you.

The women are skanks, tarts and other names. what's the man? Just a poor confused man who is being dragged in by the hair like Samson and Delilah? It's so easy to think it's only HER.

If you read my further post, you'll see my answer.

You seem to be protesting an awful lot about the "other woman"...

 

[Wishing on a star]

TP; don't waste your time being offended. These people are reflecting their own pain and know nothing about you. You've brought up their biggest fear and you will become their beating post. Been there, done that. Could care less.

I don't want to take this off topic.
I just posted what I feel to be some valid advice for the OP.

I just want to answer this and say that anything I have posted has absolutely nothing to do with any personal experience or pain. My husband and myself, have never been in this position. And I have not been posting from personal pain or experience.

My comments were based solely on what I was noticing very obviously in the OP's own posts. Some the info and comments and nuances really just jumped out at me. And, I feel that several others also noticed/were thinking the same things.

 

[MushyMushy]

As to the defense of my friend. I don't think I have defended him any more than anyone else would defend somebody who has been a dear friend for over 20 years. Of course I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, everyone here is also correct, at some point I have to set that aside and be blunt about it. That's what I'm taking from this.

I don't know if you saw my post a thousand pages ago about my own situation with a friend, but I was in the same boat. Very long term friendship, watching her go through the confusion and pain. Being the listening ear. Telling her what I honestly thought she should do, but watching her ignore my advice time and time again. There's a certain point in all that where you'll begin to feel complicit in your friend's indiscretions. It's not a good feeling AT ALL.

You sound like a great guy and a good and caring friend. You need to go into this with your friend with a very clearly defined set of boundaries. At some point, he's going to do what he's going to do, with or without your support or approval. That's the point where you're going to need to stick to your own values and decide how much you want to be complicit in.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

There are a lot of pages to wade through here so I don't know if anyone else has gone beyond the obvious impact to his marriage and relationship with his children. There is another impact this man needs to seriously consider. Since this is a workplace relationship he is risking his reputation in the workplace and risking his job. I know of at least two situations where I work where a married man had an affair with a colleague and ended up terminated. One was known around the company because when his wife found out she plastered the windshields of the cars out in one of the parking lots with a flyer detailing what was going on prior to his sudden termination. Also, if he starts seeing this woman and decides to about face, there is nothing to stop her from playing the sexual harrassment card with HR. Who knows if she would, but it would be his word against hers and again, he could lose his job and his reputation over it.

Tell him to think back to when he met his wife, did he have all these same feelings of exhiliration and know she was the one? A lot of relationships start out that way, but you show me one that stays at that level of intensity ten years later when reality rears it's ugly head. The same will happen with this relationship. Ten years down the road he will see the not so good, as well as the good and he will have started over for nothing more than he has now. In fact, he may very well end up with less.

Good luck reaching out. I truly hopes he hears you.

ITA there are many examples in a lot of offices where affairs have cost people their jobs. My work is an example. Off topic but when this has happened at my work people have been disciplined which is documented for all to see on the internal website. So we all know who the wife beaters, drunk drivers, etc. are. I work in law enforcement if you are wondering and people get busted all the time for doing stupid things and if it goes in front of the disciplinary board it becomes a matter of public record. The cheaters get caught using the work computers for conducting their affairs or in the workplace itself. Makes for good reading on a night shift *grin*.


Back on topic, I bet people in the office are already onto these two and the gossip is flowing.

The Christmas party should be interesting.

 

[scrapquitler]

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

I'm at a loss for what to say to him. We're going out for a guy's night tomorrow, so I know this is going to be the discussion. On one hand I don't want anything to happen with him and his wife (since she's been a good friend of mine since High School as well), but on the other hand his point about fairness seems pretty valid. Is he never supposed to meet new people, and how, 10 years ago, when he got married, was he ever supposed to know that someone else may enter his life?

UNFAIR? UNFAIR? If he really thinks that, he's got big issues ahead.

And does he really know that those status updates mean HIM? Seems awfully presumputous of him.

 

[krcit]

If this person is so very upset and confused...
And if they are the way I suspect that they are, based on the info that you, yourself, posted,
then pure and simple 'bluntness' and black and white is the only way to go.

emotional and moral argument will probably not serve well.

I will also say again, that if this person is the way you describe, and is thinking the way you say, and is just so torn and confused.... I think the very LEAST of their issues is this woman. I really think that they could probably use some professional counseling. Although I doubt very highly that you could suggest this with any success.

And, again, take a good look at how you handle this is going to speak about YOU if your friend goes forward with this, and everything comes to light. (which it will)

I think some of the feedback here on this thread, which has been based on your posts and your own 'confusion' and 'ambiguity', is very telling of the reaction that you might find with your wife, this 'friends' spouse, and your family, etc....

I don't know if I am just dense but I really don't know what the heck you are talking about Because this guy is feeling attracted to another woman, he needs professional help? Really? I will admit on here once again...I have been attracted to soemone other than my husband and I needed a good long talk with my best friend to help me see what I would be giving up for just a new 'thrill'. I didn't realize that that makes me in need of professional help or a '*******' or any of the other things being thrown around here. I think it makes me a human being who is honest enough to admit that not everything is perfect all the time ands sometimes you need a little help to see the forest through the trees. Some of you(general you, not you personally) seem to have wonderful,happy marriages that have never hit a snag. That's great and I'm happy for you but realize that that is a rarity b/c most everyone I know who has been married at least 10 years has had ups and downs.

 

[phorsenuf]

If you read my further post, you'll see my answer.

You seem to be protesting an awful lot about the "other woman"...

If I recall Robin has said in the past she has been "the other woman".
I have big issues with people that have affairs. If you're not happy in a relationship then do the right thing for everyone involved, especially if there are kids, get a divorce and move on. Doesn't matter if you're male, female, straight or gay.
Any woman that has an affair with any man, regardless how she feels about his marriage and how the wife is taking care of his needs, is nothing but a common -fill in the blank here-.

 

[OceanAnnie]

If I recall Robin has said in the past she has been "the other woman".
I have big issues with people that have affairs. If you're not happy in a relationship then do the right thing for everyone involved, especially if there are kids, get a divorce and move on. Doesn't matter if you're male, female, straight or gay.
Any woman that has an affair with any man, regardless how she feels about his marriage and how the wife is taking care of his needs, is nothing but a common -fill in the blank here-.

I agree.

It's selfish to stay married and have an affair. The person that does this wants their cake and eat it too.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I hate when I reply to things like this because half the time I think it's to stir up trouble but I have a few minutes to waste.

Anyways, here's my answer to friend think that he has met a new "The One" or that he can't just meet friends.

Friends are people you want to have dinner with, not get on the dinner table with. That's quite a dramatic line I think.

Having married someone that wants to hold your hand at 60 is love not someone that wants to wake you up at midnight next Saturday.

I work with alot of couples that this is constant discussion due to the nature of the work and time apart. I tell them to be a grown up. If something is making them look googly eyed at someone else then it's not that other person, it's the person staring that has something going on.

Temptation is everywhere everyday for everyone whether it's a snicker's bar, a new corvette, or a hot blonde. It's called being a grown up and making the right decision and not being a selfish *** that needs to "find themselves."

Personally I do not stay friends with people that make those kind of decisions because I do not need their drama surrounding me or coming into my home.

By the way...women that knowingly choose to be the other woman is just trash. For most women it's just a power thing anyways just to say that they could.

 

[Cee]

Here is my two cents for what it's worth:

He's attracted to this person and that's natural. If he acts on that attraction, he will regret it. That's the short and sweet version. Nothing good comes from lies and deceit.....nothing.

 

[manning]

The old "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence."

Several times in my life an attractive woman passed by. They were pleasant to look at and talk to.

To consider an affair or divorce .....NEVER CROSSED MY MIND!!! i LOVE HER TOO MUCH!!!

Matter of fact there was two times in my life I faced death. Both times I told my friend it wasn't death that concerned me but losing her (thru death).