Need help on how to approach friend.

[krcit]

I think what is confusing people is the "confusion" over this issue! Why the confusion? Why the insisting he's a nice guy? He's not acting like a nice guy in this - period. He's already taken this "relationship" outside the workplace through facebook, if no where else. Those are not the actions of a nice guy. What's to be confused about?

I don't get the ripping apart of the guy with the few details we have. I certainly don't get why some people are insulting and accusing the OP either. I read the the post as a guy who wanted some advice or words of wisdom for a good friend who confided in him. The guy met someone who he finds himself attracted to and he is confused about that. Maybe he has a 'romanticized' view of marriage and doesn't understand how he could be attracted to someone other than his wife. Toad is asking for advice from people with life experience to help him see what he is risking. The guy is either going to have an affair or leave his wife or choose to stay with her and be faithful. So far, he hasn't done that from what we know. All we know is that he feels something for her and that she is flirting. maybe all he needs is for Toad to tell him to defriend her and concentrate on his marriage.

 

[disykat]

Okay, but that's where a big part of the confusion lies - why didn't he tell him that? I don't think it's ripping Toad apart to be confused why the advice wasn't a no brainer?

To me, it's kind of like posting "my friend is on fire, but I'd better ask some advice before suggesting he stop drop and roll in case he wanted to burn."

I understand being concerned about a friend who, in the past, was a nice guy. It sounds like this is uncharacteristic for him. But I don't understand thinking it's somehow not that terrible because he's "confused." IMO, we all do jerky things at times. It could be his friend is either doing or about to do one of them. However, acting like being confused about it makes it better makes ME confused.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think what is confusing people is the "confusion" over this issue! Why the confusion? Why the insisting he's a nice guy? He's not acting like a nice guy in this - period.

Exactly.

OP, let's say that you are just a friend to the person in question.

As I have said before, your own actions here speak for themselves, and they speak about YOU.

You seem 'confused'.
You say you wanted/needed advice....
While you claim you do not support this friends situation, you also will pass no judgement whatsoever.
You seem to defend and support. Instead of seeing a spade as a spade.

Okay, say we all believe what you have posted in every detail.
We believe you are a friend... the situation is as described, etc....
Still doesn't change the obvious.
Based on the info given.....
This friend is already, at this point, in way over his head and is very very wrong. Yes, folks will pass judgement.
The young woman involved is nothing less than trash.

So, what else is there to be said?
What is there to be 'confused' about?

But, you seem to be 'offended' all of the sudden.

 

[DisneyTravelers2008]

This is just my opinion.... I would tell him to imagine the reality of what he is "day dreaming about"...if he leaves his wife or if she finds out that he had an affair, he would get to see his daughters "every other weekend" and on Tuesdays...he would probably also see his wife with another man eventually...he is probaly thinking about hte fun and exciting aspect of an attractive woman who is flirting with him...he is probably not thinking about the reality of the problems it would truly create...

Your best advise to him is to tell him to late a long weekend away with his WIFE and focus ( or re-focus) his attention on her...


The grass may be greener on the other side but it is often b/c they use MORE fertilizer!!!


Best of luck to you ....

 

[handinpocket]

I can't believe a grown man would post on a WDW message board that is geared towards FAMILIES about this crap. Of course it is wrong and if you (general you) are confused about it, then, gee...that is just sad and I don't know how you navigate a relationship on your own.

 

[Disney Doll]

I don't agree. They made NO commitment. HE did.

That's true. And I certainly would never lay the man in this situation blameless.

However, I do think it is wrong to go out with a married man. The times in my life I was propositioned by a married man, the answer was always "no". And some of them were cute, And it would have been nice to be able to say yes. Nice....but still not right.

 

[TeresaNJ]

So no one's antenna went up that the OP may be the "friend" in question? Just seems weird that he's confused/conflicted about what to tell "friend", and the fact that he's defending this cheater. Edited to add just went through more posts, and I see I'm not the only one who can put two and two together.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him.

Give him your honest opinion. Be blunt. If he's your friend, he should be able to handle it.

 

[Skywalker]

Everyone's so dramatic when they want to have an affair. All this the one and crap like that.

Tell your "friend" that even though he thinks he and the trashy woman are so special and all, the fact is they are not. Absolutely anyone and everyone could have an affair if they wanted to. Especially his wife...women can pretty much go out and get some action whenever they want to.

So he needs to grow up and get over himself.

*******.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't get the ripping apart of the guy with the few details we have. I certainly don't get why some people are insulting and accusing the OP either. I read the the post as a guy who wanted some advice or words of wisdom for a good friend who confided in him. The guy met someone who he finds himself attracted to and he is confused about that. Maybe he has a 'romanticized' view of marriage and doesn't understand how he could be attracted to someone other than his wife. Toad is asking for advice from people with life experience to help him see what he is risking. The guy is either going to have an affair or leave his wife or choose to stay with her and be faithful. So far, he hasn't done that from what we know. All we know is that he feels something for her and that she is flirting. maybe all he needs is for Toad to tell him to defriend her and concentrate on his marriage.

This is how I see it too.

Okay, but that's where a big part of the confusion lies - why didn't he tell him that? I don't think it's ripping Toad apart to be confused why the advice wasn't a no brainer?

To me, it's kind of like posting "my friend is on fire, but I'd better ask some advice before suggesting he stop drop and roll in case he wanted to burn."

I understand being concerned about a friend who, in the past, was a nice guy. It sounds like this is uncharacteristic for him. But I don't understand thinking it's somehow not that terrible because he's "confused." IMO, we all do jerky things at times. It could be his friend is either doing or about to do one of them. However, acting like being confused about it makes it better makes ME confused.

I think it is in the realm of possibility being a nice guy can start being attracted to a woman, realize it, be freaked out by it because he knows that is not right and then be (for a short time span) conflicted and want to talk it out with his best friend. The "*******" (to use the term being thrown about liberally upthread--I am kind of surprised it is allowed in the DIS) wouldn't be conflicted, wouldn't seek a friend to talk him off the ledge, and would jump headfirst into an affair.

I also think it is in the realm of possibility that if your friends came to you with this type of bombshell that you might be too taken aback to say much of anything the first time you heard it (and perhaps you were told where you couldn't talk much for long or something). So now Toad has a chance to talk to that friend. He wants to say things the friend will really "hear." He wants to figure out how to counter the friend's "logical" (meaning friend thinks he is being logical) arguments and set him back on the right path. So, Toad came here to ask advice about what kinds of things he could say to get this point across. I am not seeing how this makes the OP a bad guy

While I do not get this vibe, I will concede it is in the realm of possibility also that the OP is the one considering an affair. If so, at least he is here asking advice and if we can talk HIM off of that ledge and explain the him why this is a bad idea--well that is a good thing too, right?

And Wishing on a Star--I really wish you would just come out ans SAY whatever you are hinting at with the gender thing, because it is not helping anyone to hint at vague things nobody can figure out. Do you think the OP is really the other woman (OP has posted here a long time--always as a man)? Do you think the friend is actually interested in a gay affair? (in which case there are more issues at play than we all assuming, but I bet OP would be smart enough to post specifics and on a board here that would have more perspectives about that issues specifically)? Something else? I really can't make heads or tales of all your hints--someone made one guess which you did not confirm or deny. So please, explain what you mean so it can be dealt with or else quite being all circumspect and delete those posts--they sounds awfully accusatory of something in tone and yet the OP cannot even defend himself (or someone else) since you are not clear about what you are accusing him of.

 

[Skywalker]

I think it is in the realm of possibility being a nice guy can start being attracted to a woman, realize it, be freaked out by it because he knows that is not right and then be (for a short time span) conflicted and want to talk it out with his best friend.
.

It's just the comment about how she is "constantly" changing her facebook status, tells me he must be "constantly" checking in on her. So he is more than a nice innocent guy all freaked out by the thought of another woman...he's pursuing it and playing with fire and unless he's got the IQ of a brick he knows where this is going.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Exactly.

OP, let's say that you are just a friend to the person in question.

As I have said before, your own actions here speak for themselves, and they speak about YOU.

You seem 'confused'.
You say you wanted/needed advice....
While you claim you do not support this friends situation, you also will pass no judgement whatsoever.
You seem to defend and support. Instead of seeing a spade as a spade.

Okay, say we all believe what you have posted in every detail.
We believe you are a friend... the situation is as described, etc....
Still doesn't change the obvious.
Based on the info given.....
This friend is already, at this point, in way over his head and is very very wrong. Yes, folks will pass judgement.
The young woman involved is nothing less than trash.

So, what else is there to be said?
What is there to be 'confused' about?

But, you seem to be 'offended' all of the sudden.

Maybe it's not confusion I'm feeling more than a sense that we're all getting older and there's a lot that starts happening in life. We've had friends lose their parents recently (totally not ready for that to start happening), I've just watched my BIL's marriage dissolve (again, not fun). Now this gets laid in front of me, and it's just another situation I'd rather not deal with.

Certainly life isn't easy, but it takes some getting used to when the realities of life start hitting home. Never, in a million years, did I think I would have to deal with someone close to me going through something like this, and, I guess, I've never prepared myself on how to deal with it. I applaud anyone out there who is perfect enough to know what to do in every situation, but I'm not that person. I certainly hope none of you mind if I steal some of your words from here to use when I speak to him tonight, because I'm still not sure I'm completely ready to tackle this perfectly.

Any "offense" that I took was strictly for the people accusing me of posting about myself. I love my wife and my kids more than anything else in this world (see one of my previous threads about worrying about leaving them Fatherless because of a weird mole). To have someone who knows nothing about me call that into question really hurts. So, I'm sorry if I came off as being offended, but I couldn't believe what I was reading.

As to the defense of my friend. I don't think I have defended him any more than anyone else would defend somebody who has been a dear friend for over 20 years. Of course I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, everyone here is also correct, at some point I have to set that aside and be blunt about it. That's what I'm taking from this.

 

[MerMom60_94]

There are a lot of pages to wade through here so I don't know if anyone else has gone beyond the obvious impact to his marriage and relationship with his children. There is another impact this man needs to seriously consider. Since this is a workplace relationship he is risking his reputation in the workplace and risking his job. I know of at least two situations where I work where a married man had an affair with a colleague and ended up terminated. One was known around the company because when his wife found out she plastered the windshields of the cars out in one of the parking lots with a flyer detailing what was going on prior to his sudden termination. Also, if he starts seeing this woman and decides to about face, there is nothing to stop her from playing the sexual harrassment card with HR. Who knows if she would, but it would be his word against hers and again, he could lose his job and his reputation over it.

Tell him to think back to when he met his wife, did he have all these same feelings of exhiliration and know she was the one? A lot of relationships start out that way, but you show me one that stays at that level of intensity ten years later when reality rears it's ugly head. The same will happen with this relationship. Ten years down the road he will see the not so good, as well as the good and he will have started over for nothing more than he has now. In fact, he may very well end up with less.

Good luck reaching out. I truly hopes he hears you.

 

[SaraJayne]

It's not decent or right, I was responding to the PP who said she was just as bad or worse.

Face it, why the heck should she care about HIS family? Women were raised to be in a relationship and it defines them. Once they're in one they become lions making sure it stays that way. The "other person" only sees what SHE wants. None of this is right or wrong it's just the way it is.

I've been hit on my married men, and threw them away immediately. They ALWAYS find someone else because a man like that is only after the adoration or the chase. If HE felt kept his commitment, NONE of these women would have a chance. It takes both, but first the one who is "cheating".

BS

The woman is just as much in the wrong as the married man. Women that pursue married men (or get involved with married men) are skanks.

 

[SaraJayne]

Maybe it's not confusion I'm feeling more than a sense that we're all getting older and there's a lot that starts happening in life. We've had friends lose their parents recently (totally not ready for that to start happening), I've just watched my BIL's marriage dissolve (again, not fun). Now this gets laid in front of me, and it's just another situation I'd rather not deal with.

Certainly life isn't easy, but it takes some getting used to when the realities of life start hitting home. Never, in a million years, did I think I would have to deal with someone close to me going through something like this, and, I guess, I've never prepared myself on how to deal with it. I applaud anyone out there who is perfect enough to know what to do in every situation, but I'm not that person. I certainly hope none of you mind if I steal some of your words from here to use when I speak to him tonight, because I'm still not sure I'm completely ready to tackle this perfectly.

Any "offense" that I took was strictly for the people accusing me of posting about myself. I love my wife and my kids more than anything else in this world (see one of my previous threads about worrying about leaving them Fatherless because of a weird mole). To have someone who knows nothing about me call that into question really hurts. So, I'm sorry if I came off as being offended, but I couldn't believe what I was reading.

As to the defense of my friend. I don't think I have defended him any more than anyone else would defend somebody who has been a dear friend for over 20 years. Of course I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, everyone here is also correct, at some point I have to set that aside and be blunt about it. That's what I'm taking from this.

How did it go last night? I'm not going to rip you apart for trying to be a friend.

But I do hope you told the guy straight up to worry about his wife and kids and not some tart at work.

 

[SC Minnie]

There are a lot of pages to wade through here so I don't know if anyone else has gone beyond the obvious impact to his marriage and relationship with his children. There is another impact this man needs to seriously consider. Since this is a workplace relationship he is risking his reputation in the workplace and risking his job. I know of at least two situations where I work where a married man had an affair with a colleague and ended up terminated. One was known around the company because when his wife found out she plastered the windshields of the cars out in one of the parking lots with a flyer detailing what was going on prior to his sudden termination. Also, if he starts seeing this woman and decides to about face, there is nothing to stop her from playing the sexual harrassment card with HR. Who knows if she would, but it would be his word against hers and again, he could lose his job and his reputation over it.

Tell him to think back to when he met his wife, did he have all these same feelings of exhiliration and know she was the one? A lot of relationships start out that way, but you show me one that stays at that level of intensity ten years later when reality rears it's ugly head. The same will happen with this relationship. Ten years down the road he will see the not so good, as well as the good and he will have started over for nothing more than he has now. In fact, he may very well end up with less.

Good luck reaching out. I truly hopes he hears you.

This.

Also, if he and this woman are close at work, even if nothing has happened yet, people are already talking. Believe me that people notice and some probably already suspect they are having an affair. How would he feel if this got back to his wife?

 

[Toad_Passenger]

How did it go last night? I'm not going to rip you apart for trying to be a friend.

But I do hope you told the guy straight up to worry about his wife and kids and not some tart at work.

We're getting together tonight. Judging by the consensus here, that's pretty much the approach I'm going to have to take, blunt and to the point.

 

[SaraJayne]

We're getting together tonight. Judging by the consensus here, that's pretty much the approach I'm going to have to take, blunt and to the point.

Sorry, I thought it was last night.

Good luck tonight.

 

[PRmamiDEdos]

We're getting together tonight. Judging by the consensus here, that's pretty much the approach I'm going to have to take, blunt and to the point.

I understand that this is your friend and you want him to continue confiding in you and you don't want him to feel crappy. You don't have to be mean, just let him know he really needs to think before he acts (if he hasn't acted already). I swear, I love the 80/20 rule b/c it just explains things so well and it makes you think . I've had a few friends going through their little mid-life crises and explaining the 80/20 rule is the perfect way for them to wake up and realize that what they're doing may be wrong.

 

[tlbwriter]

The woman is just as much in the wrong as the married man. Women that pursue married men (or get involved with married men) are skanks.

While I have no respect for a woman who deliberately and knowingly gets involved with a married man, I disagree that she is "just as wrong." She took no vows, and she has no responsibility to uphold his. And the same goes for a man who gets involved with a married woman, of course.

I think people sometimes want to label the other woman a "man stealer" or "home wrecker" because they want to believe that husbands (especially their own) won't stray unless they are somehow tempted beyond their control. But the truth is, every married person has the ability and the responsibility* to say "no." Saying "she tempted me" is just as childish, and just as wrong, as the kid who whacks his sister for looking at him crosseyed and then says "but SHE started it!" or the teen who drinks because "my friends were doing it." We don't accept that as an excuse from our children and we shouldn't accept it from an adult.

*Unless both spouses agree otherwise, etc.