First... I understand the concept of "fair". As a Libra, it's what I strive for.
However, the universe isn't fair. No matter what he believes in, there's no Church of Fairness out there. Not even Buddhism...well, there are balances, but they aren't always pretty, and they aren't always in the one lifetime, LOL.
Honestly I think his problem is that he believes in the concept of The One! There's no "one" person for us. If there is just ONE, there wouldn't be remarriages when someone's first The One dies. My stepdad...he and my mom found each other again in their 40s, they felt VERY strongly that they were finally each other's One. My mom got married at 17, divorced 10 years later, married again, divorced...stepdad was married, then divorced...re-met my mom (they were step-cousins and mad for each other as children, but not allowed to date as they were raised as normal cousins), stepdad Knew she was The One and broke off a dating relationship, they were married asap... Then my mom died after they were married for 13 years...and inside of 3 years he'd found a NEW The One.
So if your friend would drop that concept, he'd be better. Same with Hollywood marriages, LOL...there might always someone prettier, someone more handsome, etc etc. You make your choice based on what you know at the time, and do your darndest to stick with that person. Since that should be coming from both sides, both will always be doing their darndest to stick there.
He made his choice, he still seems to love his wife...this new person is just a confusion, just a flutter out there... I'm sure there are guy friends that have tons of the same interests as he does...but he isn't getting confused by THEM, is he? So this is just tingly feelings; nothing to listen to. The tinglies aren't worth throwing everything away and turning everyone's worlds upside down for...
Second, I think that the women answering need to back WAY off of judging how men talk to each other. My husband is a sensitive guy, and he is friends with sensitive guys, and they are all very close and talk about a whole lot. This is not the usual way guys talk to each other. Obviously Toad's friend is a sensitive guy, he's confused, and he needs a true friend to be there.
Some people answering seem to think it's bogus that a man wants to have a deep conversation with another man. It might not be the norm, but it can happen, and it's IMPORTANT for it to happen when they are asking for it.
A man asking for help like this is in danger of asking the wrong friend; he's really putting himself out there. Toad, he's showing great trust in you.
Hubby has been trying to help his oldest friend for about two years now...he's been dating a younger woman who knows that she wants things that the friend doesn't know he wants. By the time he figures out if he wants marriage and baby, the woman is going to have left him (and very bitterly, for sure) or she'll have aged out of the situation. He's not being fair, but can't seem to get it through his head that he has to either go forward or end it. His girlfriend will not be in her mid 20s forever, and he's wasting her time if he ultimately decides he has no interest in babies (his HS girlfriend had a baby and they put baby up for adoption, just met her after her 18th birthday, and he's fairly certain that that is the ONLY baby the universe has for him).
If hubby were to just throw up his hands and say "call me when you figure it out", what kind of friend would he be? And that's EXACTLY what this same friend did to hubby, when hubby was in NEED of counsel way back when when we were engaged, just before we broke up (b/c hubby talked to the WRONG friends, and actively AVOIDED the buddies who would have helped him out in what a real relationship is like).
This guy is asking Toad, who seems to be a good person, to HELP him. Toad shouldn't just be a jerk. Just like I admire my hubby helping his friend (and by the way it took years for them to become friends again after the friend was a jerk to me...and now he's so sorry that he was so rude, and we're quite good friends with him!), I admire that you want to help him.
Awesome! These are the things I was talking about. As a guy it's not often we need to have talks like this with our buddies. It's usually sports, beer, etc. Rarely do we get to tackle the tough stuff.
Good for you.
The reason why she seems so attractive is because she is forbidden, the same reason she is attracted to him. If he leaves his wife, this guy is a divorced dad of three - definitely not a catch.
This is SO true, and could be good to remind him. I've been on the female side of this, though in my case the relationships were dying and FB didn't exist so I couldn't be tacky like this woman is. And I can definitely state that the "brand" of an acceptable man is the wedding ring...it can and will draw women in. It shows that someone else has found him good. But once the ring is off and if the ring ever goes back on because of the new woman, it's a whole different ballgame. A divorced father of 3 has little time, has little money, and is a ball of stress. A very different situation than "the cute guy at work who seems so awesome b/c he loves his wife and oh gosh why can't someone love ME like that...."
Of course they have so much in common and she is just so much fun! Yeah- neither one has seen the other stink up the bathroom, have a miserable cold or virus, not get a chance to shower because they were up all night with the kids etc. Neither one has to currently deal with fighting with an ex over visitation- (because that will happen if he gets divorced!) dealing with in laws, child support, alimony, step kid issues etc.
Very very true!
Try asking him what he would do if one of his daughters was in this situation. What if her husband was acting this way?
A really good idea to bring up to your friend!
Along these lines you can remind him that his daughters will use how he treats their mother as the example that teaches them how to allow other men to treat them. Ask him to think when he acts if he wants to teach his daughter that this is how men (men who love them even) should treat them?
Another VERY true statement.
Though I recommend that your friend unfriend the coworker from FB immediately and have ONLY a working relationship with her, I would bet that in her past was a cheating parent. She was very likely shown this in her childhood, and it's why she wants to just jump the gun...leap into an existing relationship instead of putting in the time and energy to find someone single (and unmarked with the sign of approval).
Is that the direction he wants to send at least one of his daughters?
If your dad, the one man who you are supposed to be able to always count on, can betray your mother and you and your siblings, how do you trust anyone else?
Oh great, my dad paid for MONTHS of counseling for me when I was in my later 20s, and not once did she EVER say something as brilliant as this! Seriously good point. Will be spending the rest of the day pondering that and realizing it was a good explanation for the nonsense I got up to in my 20s.
I really hated all of them for that, not one guy had the guts to say that cheating on your wife and leaving your family was wrong.....because hey, they are guys and guys don't do that
Wouldn't want to make your buddy mad at you!
Obviously all men aren't like this...Toad is trying to help his friend. DH continues to try to help his friends when they face problems similar... Sorry your dad's friends weren't like that...wonder if there were some friends in his life that you didn't know b/c they had left already, not wanting to be involved in his mess...
Exactly. And, might I add, if you don't know what to tell him, you're one in training.
Oh come on. Guys don't typically have these conversations. Women are typically good at it, they are used to it! I should also mention that my friends, who were around me as I went through my own confusions (coming from the female's side in this situation), never dumped me. I knew they disapproved, surely, but I'm glad they didn't leave me alone, because I needed them around me as I slowly came out of the phase. If I'd been alone, it would have been much worse, and a much longer phase.
I want to know what makes this guy think the facebook status is about him? Did it not occur to him that it could be about someone else?
Good point.
I believe he is seeking OP's permission/blessing whatever to move further.
I don't. This doesn't sound like that. This sounds like a guy seeking out his friend's *help*.
I'm not and I will admit to there being a time when I needed to discuss things with my best friend. I needed her to tell me all the stuff I already knew deep down but after a decade of marriage was sort of forgetting. Just because this guy admitted to having these feelings doesn't make him a *******. I suspect that he confided in his friend to help him deal with it and/or guide him to do the right thing. I think OP was looking for advice he could give the guy such as cut off all non work related contact including Facebook. remove himself from temptation before he does something that he will regret. I just don't get how a guy feeling confused and wanting to talk about it instantly makes him a *******.
I agree.
If you use a metaphor that doesn't work and the person tells you it doesn't work, it doesn't mean they are listening to you, just that you aren't using a metaphor that works.
You are guys - you are supposed to be tough. Did you think you were supposed to hold his hand and talk about his feelings? That's women's work. Guys punch each other on the shoulder and say, "Dude, don't be stupid! You'll screw up your life!" And then drink their beer.
Good luck with your "talk."
That just seems so uncaring. Just because MOST guys do this, Toad and his friend are supposed to? We're supposed to believe that ALL guys are Tim the Tool Man Taylor (wow, that feels like an ancient reference) just because some are? Men have depths that many women just don't know about...
Call me thick, but I'm not following.
They think you're the guy in the situation and you're asking about yourself.
. As a married woman, I am appalled to think that he feels it's okay to have a relationship with this woman since she is younger, prettier, and have a lot in common. Life is what you make it and to me it seems that he feels his marriage is very boring and not worth it. 
. My mother always told me that in LIFE, there is ALWAYS someone better looking than you are, richer, kinder, and the likes, and you never leave the one you love for the one you like because they will leave you for the one they love. 
. If that is all it takes for him to leave his wife, he does not deserve her. If I knew his wife, as a friend I would tell her his intentions,it's not fair to her that her life and her kids way of life is about to be ruin all because her husband can't honor the commitment and vows he made to her. Nothing change the last time I looked when it came to vows, It DID state that you WOULD FORSAKE ALL OTHERS
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