Need help letting go of a dream

[gypsydoodlebug]

I think because the house was just on paper when we let go, it was easy. But now, the building is starting to exists & it brought it all back.

I know deep down inside, that we'll someday find another when thinks are better & meant to be. And it's probably all for the best. It's just hard to let go right now.

I covered real estate and construction for our newpaper for 5 years. Chances are the developer will probably recreate the exact same project somewhere nearby down the line, especially when it comes to condos. Developers aren't known for being innovative -- they tend to go more for what's safe depending on your market. I think you're being smart and should be able to find something comparable once you get your feet back on the ground. And take heart -- interest rates have gone up in the last couple of months!!

We built a house in a new subdivision two years ago...and our developer is developing a new subdivision with the EXACT SAME FLOOR PLANS about six miles away!

 

[SplshMtn99]

Well actually that's what happened, & that's why it took 2 yrs. We found the condo, but there were no ranches left. So we waited for the next project because they said it could be the same floor plan. And it was, & it was just up the street from the first. So we picked exactly what location we wanted & customized everything. So, we had to wait for him to finish first project. Then clear & blast land for our project. We locked in at the lower purchase price, which has since gone up. Yes we were bummed that rates kept going up, BUT that 2 yrs allowed us to put away ALOT more $ towards the home & we weren't going to need to borrow as much.

I'm ultimately hoping (& know it will happen), that since we are the end of the baby boomers (1964), that ALOT of ranch style condos will be built in the next few years. Evidenced by the fact that his ranches were always the first to be reserved. As older baby boomers move out, we'll be able to move in....and hopefully at a lower price (like what happened where we currently live). Its just that we won't have the opportunity to customize floor plan & everything like we would from beginning. Oh well -- it's just a house.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Letting go is something I've never been able to do. How do you do it?

Expert on this subject now! It is kind of like the 5 stages of death.
Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance.

#1) Allow yourself to mourn, experience all the emotions you are having. Don't push them aside. That will drag everything out. It sounds as if your expectations were VERY high. You have a long way to come down from.

#2) Acceptance. I personally have taken on a different philosophy to my life but let me tell you....was NOT easy.
Perhaps start small. Acceptance small things first, like for example the family things that bug you, (which was my nemesis).

Trying to "accept" this house stuff when you have a hard time with other things, may be too much right now. That is OK. Sometimes we have limitations.

That is the secret. Give yourself permission to be bummed out and time to heal.
{{{HUGS}}} sorry about the condo...

 

[alliecats]

I am sorry!! Letting go of dreams, no matter the kind, is SO hard. I hope you find out the "reason" things happened the way they did and you look back and think how glad you are they did, because _____(fill in blank) is so much better than the dream would have been! (some good luck PD for you)

 

[gallaj0]

You know, I don't think you ever have to let go of a dream, but sometimes they get postponed some.

 

[sajetto]

I'm sorry

I know that had to be hard. We found what we thought was our dream home over Christmas. Put an offer on it, it was accepted, we went through all the steps, and then we found in the inspection that the house had some issues we couldn't afford. We had gotten so excited and were so dissapointed.

Now we have a much smaller house, but in hindsight the house we were under contract on was way too big for us and was going to cost a fortune in upkeep. We found this house for a great deal and have fixed it to the poin that it is the home we love. We've put a lot of personal touches in it and it feels very cozy and homey.


I know our story is different and we sure didn't wait 2 years, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand your dissapointment. I actually still can't bear to drive by that house because it reminds me that it was almost ours.

 

[SplshMtn99]

Expert on this subject now! It is kind of like the 5 stages of death.
Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance.

#1) Allow yourself to mourn, experience all the emotions you are having. Don't push them aside. That will drag everything out. It sounds as if your expectations were VERY high. You have a long way to come down from.

#2) Acceptance. I personally have taken on a different philosophy to my life but let me tell you....was NOT easy.
Perhaps start small. Acceptance small things first, like for example the family things that bug you, (which was my nemesis).

Trying to "accept" this house stuff when you have a hard time with other things, may be too much right now. That is OK. Sometimes we have limitations.

That is the secret. Give yourself permission to be bummed out and time to heal.
{{{HUGS}}} sorry about the condo...

THANK YOU, that was actually very helpful. Yes, my (our) expectations were VERY high. It actually took us 2 yrs to find a ranch style condo (for people under 55 yrs old), then 2 yrs of waiting. So, BOY, I guess I'll be coming down for a while then. And, combine that with the fact that I'm newly "unemployed", I guess I can see from your example why I'm feeling so bad. I was doing good I thought until they started building. But yes, I can see I've gone thru those first couple phases already. So, this is depression.

Thanks again for that info.

 

[newholidayx2]

DS was born in 1992. At the time we were living in an apartment in the city. When he was 18mos I quit the fulltime job I had for 12yrs (50min one way commute) and we bought a house in this town. It was a starter, very basic. 2yrs later we raised the roof and added on. I stayed home those first few yrs until DS was in Kindergarten. I worked parttime - nights, wknds, opposite DHs shift. Once DS was out of K I found a fulltime job in town and have been there since. DS just graduated from Middle School. We're finally getting the main floor of the house painted. It took us 12.5 years!

 

[disneyaggie]

Security is the primary need for a female.

Right now, you feel you are all alone in this one. Your hubby is not there for the most part and I would venture to guess that you thought this condo would be a step towards a more stable situation. Now once that changed, you might feel like you are walking on quick sand. No stable ground. No security.

Add to that a major job decision and sure, you are going to be very emotional and unsettled.

While it may be hard to "let go", just remember that God has a reason for everything. I have wanted things so badly and later down the road realized it would have ended in disaster if I had "got what I wanted". I was spared on many occasions.

You have so many "big" things going on right now, honey. Your job decision, hubby away a lot, the condo not being there . . . have you thought about talking with a counselor about this? They are wonderful at sitting down and really finding the root of your frustration. Maybe even give you some insight on how to "move on" from the hurt.

When I get emotional like this, I just stop and list out all the blessings I do have. To start with, you have us on the Dis Board here to love and support you. Where else can you go for so much support from those who have never met you, but still care about you?

Another blessing: you have a home. Some folks don't even have that. It may not be the one you want right now, but it is a home and it is yours. Some folks lost their homes and have had to live out of their cars, shady and seedy apartment buildings with drug interaction going on in every corridor, or even on the street. You have a home. What a blessing!

Another blessing: you have an opportunity to stay home for a while to "regroup". Some folks are very sick physically but still trudge to work no matter how ill they are because they have to make that house or car payment, or simply put food on the table. You have a luxury a lot of folks don't have.

Hugs to you, my dear. Find a good counselor. That should help a lot! But in the mean time, know you are loved!

 

[Disney Doll]

I have found with grief that you have to go through it. If you try and go around it, it always comes back to bite you on the butt.

Take a look at this website http://www.teachhealth.com/#stressscale

about the Stress Scale and see where you fall. Take note that they are talking about the last 12 months. I just glanced quickly at it, using just the info you gave inthis one post, and you have some pretty high stress numbers already.

How did I let go of something? Time, and faith that God knew what He was doing. My "something" was having a baby. Tried and tried and couldn't. No one could figure out why. Thousands of $$ spent trying, along with much emotional cost. But, my mother always told me "This too shall pass" and she has always been right. Does it ever go away? Probably not, but you will eventually put it in its place.

 

[ZachnElli]

No advice, but I know how you are feeling. My dh lost his job in Nov and is still unemployed. We sold our expensive dream home right away and bought a smaller, MUCH cheaper house and we thought he had a job in the bag (we were told that), but no, they gave it to someone else. Now he's one of the top recruits in the country for this company, but we don't know where we'll end up! Dh wants to buy an even cheaper house now. I know it's just a house, but it's hard to keep going down, down, down after all the years of working our way up. We have too much stuff for the smaller houses and I don't want to sell it! Dh sold his car this week too. Disneyaggie is right, I need security, I'm feeling lost without it for the last 8 almost 9 months!

 

[irisbud]

I think it's even harder when you come so close to getting something and it slips right through your fingers...

Let it hurt, as others have said. Cry, scream, write, sleep, do whatever you have to do to make it that little tiny bit better. If you delay feeling the pain it will be worse later, and it will make everything else seem that much worse.

I know how it feels to be that close and lose everything you hoped for...but it will get better in time.

All things work for good, everything happens for a reason, and God dosen't give us more than we can handle. I know these words are hard to believe when you're just trying to slog through everyday, but I don't know how I would ever make it through without believing in them. Things will get better.

 

[lowie]

The dream was a newer home. I know there are bigger problems in the world. I know some people don't have homes or have lost homes. DH saw that first hand after spending a month in NOLA in Oct for Katrina/Rita support.

We found the newer condo project almost 2 yrs ago. Put our deposit & waited & DREAMED. Picked out stuff; got all excited.

This Feb, I quit my job unexpectedly after boss being real jerk for too long. DH & I decided I was burned out & would stay home for a while; & give up the newer condo dream & got deposit back. I cried at first, but got over it pretty fast I felt. Returned stuff we bought & tried to erase any visual reminders.

Even started a few home improvement projects here so I (we) could fall in love with our current home again since I had already emotionally detached myself from it.

.

i could have written your post myself.. we were planning on moving from south florida to north carolina. cost of living here is WAY too high, our taxes are outrageous and the prices of homes skyrocketed.
we chose a new construction house, pickes all our options, it was truly going to be our dream home. that and with the housing market the way it is we should have been able to pocket about $100,000!
well, then hurricane wilma hit and half of our roof went with her. along with some flooding which ruined our floors. we couldn't put our home on the market until everything was fixed. with waiting for insurance money and finding roofing materials the housing market took a major dump. our taxes still have gone up and homeowners insurance is incredibly expensive and hard to get. who would buy a house here anyway.
so.... we had to cancel our dream house, we're still waiting for our deposit back but we've been assured that we'll get it.
we're doing the same as you, fixing up what we have, which happens to be a great house just not our dream home.
one major upside.... we're only 3 hours from disney world!!!

 

[SplshMtn99]

Thank you everyone for the continued words of support. I guess I was just upset at why all of a sudden 4 mths after all that happened, that now it hits me. But once several of you related it to death, I remembered that when my dear step-MIL was murdered, I didn't fall apart until about 9 mths later.

DH flew home LATE last night (early this AM), but they have him on some orders this weekend & most of next (July 4th weekend). He only got about 4 hrs sleep before he was out the door again....so I didn't want to bother him with any of this.

I was talking to a friend about a wk back about it, & her response was "at least you have a home". Which made me feel worse, but that's my fault for picking the wrong subject to talk to. She, her DH & her 4 kids are living at her moms. It was actually pretty stupid (inconsiterate) of me to talk to her about it, but it just didn't even occur to me.

Thanks again for all your suggestions & info.