Need help deciding what to do...

[AngVT]

I made plans for a trip to WDW in Oct with DD-13 (almost 14), and recently she's started behaving badly (backtalk, not doing her chores -having to be reminded numerous times-, just being difficult in general). We have 57 more days (ish) til we leave for our trip... what do I do?

Do I cancel her portion of the trip (it is supposed to be for my birthday... and she's **usually** fun to hang out with, which is why she was invited to come along), OR do I keep the portion of her trip, give her a certain # of days to "shape up" or I'll bring someone else (a friend or relative), OR do I cancel it all together (which would be a bummer for me, since the trip is for my "monumental" birthday, and I wanna celebrate at F&W).

I'm in a quandry. Anyone else had to deal with this issue? What did you do?

Oh help.

 

[lucigo]

From my experience I can tell you that 14-year-old girls are the absolute worst on the planet. Its a very hard age. I had one (stepdaughter) who went completely off the deep end, my oldest was quite mouthy, and my youngest who is 14 now just went into a cocoon for most of the year.

While I think you do need to discipline her, I would have to say looking at the bigger picture that unless you really don't want to take her, that you don't include your family vacation as a reward or punishment. This is not just for her, its for your whole family, and its also a time when you can let loose and have fun with your kids and give them memories to last a lifetime. It won't be long at all before she will be grown and off on her own, too busy with life to go on a family trip. Having that time with her might also give her a reason to lighten up, relax and if you are lucky you will see the old fun version of her peeking out.

 

[AngVT]

From my experience I can tell you that 14-year-old girls are the absolute worst on the planet. Its a very hard age. I had one (stepdaughter) who went completely off the deep end, my oldest was quite mouthy, and my youngest who is 14 now just went into a cocoon for most of the year.

While I think you do need to discipline her, I would have to say looking at the bigger picture that unless you really don't want to take her, that you don't include your family vacation as a reward or punishment. This is not just for her, its for your whole family, and its also a time when you can let loose and have fun with your kids and give them memories to last a lifetime. It won't be long at all before she will be grown and off on her own, too busy with life to go on a family trip. Having that time with her might also give her a reason to lighten up, relax and if you are lucky you will see the old fun version of her peeking out.

I understand that 14 is a miserable year... It's just the two of us going on this trip... my DH is a very Anti-Disney type of guy (dislikes lines, waiting, crowds, etc)... DS just came last year for a trip (very fun, but he's got his own issues that I have to deal with, but we did have a good time)... DD is like a good friend (though I do know it's difficult to be friends with your kids when they reach a certain age range, could it be 14-17??? LOL!)

I really want to take her, but the attitude is just killing me!

 

[annagirl]

Proper behavior is required - vacations should not be on a punish/reward system. Keep the two seperate.

If she was part of the plan, keep her part of the plan. Work on her attitude regardless of the vacation plans.

 

[Darcy03231]

14 is one of the worst ages for girls (been through it twice), but it does get better.

I would still take her and use the time alone together to talk about what's going on without the pressures of home, work, school, peers, etc.

 

[Ashlander]

I think it will be a great opportunity for the two of you to spend good quality time together. I bet she will be a different person on your vacation.

I have no advice for how to deal with a 14 yr old - but I hear it is not fun. I have a few more years before I have to deal with it. Good Luck!

 

[moniot]

My guess is your vacation will be everything you hope for and more. My DD15 was totally relaxed on vacation. Like PP have said enjoy this one on one time and cherish it.

Find other punishments. No internet or computer time - No tv time - take cell phone away if she has one. These are the things that my DD enjoys so it works for us. Work / Chores get done before fun. Sassy talk gets fined either money or computer/tv time. If she can't text - ohhhh the horror!!

We live out in the middle of nowhere so texting is how she keeps in touch with her friends. That and email. She doesn't get the opportunity to just hang out with them much.

I love hanging out with my DD. She is my friend also. We shop together and hang out together all the time.

 

[kevschickee]

It is her age no I wouldn't cancel. If you cancel she would be hurt. She is a teen and it will change but you have to get through it.

 

[look1angel]

I cancelled the trip to Disney with my youngest who was 19 at the time; got smart with her mouth, (she really thought it was still on & shocked to learn otherwise) & took my oldest to Universal instead. Not everyone is in a position to do this mind you.

I once knew a child psychologist who said to take away what matters most to them.

I have a 15 yr old step daughter who every once in a while gets out of line so...we take away what matters most to her, her phone & computer, works like a charm

I was fortunate to have 3 great teens but at 19 my youngest thought she knew it all so I sent her on her way never to talk like that in MY house, she learned.

We're set to have our 2nd Mother Daughter vacation this Nov. She is my Disney Princess.

Talk to her maybe she's going through a tough time with school, friends etc & if it gets so bad/disrespectful I would cancel or take someone else JMO. Who wants to vacation with someone who is unappreciative or disrespectful?. Again JMO

Good Luck Seriously, I bet she's really a great kid!

 

[kymmyk13]

their brains go away about that age, my DD18 is just starting to get part of hers back. there will be days you want to kill her but we go to jail if we do that and then Disny trips are the least of our worries. Girls this age are trying to be independent and will push you.Take her with you and maybe some alone bonding time will help, just think of it this way it wont hurt.

 

[AngVT]

Proper behavior is required - vacations should not be on a punish/reward system. Keep the two seperate.

If she was part of the plan, keep her part of the plan. Work on her attitude regardless of the vacation plans.

14 is one of the worst ages for girls (been through it twice), but it does get better.

I would still take her and use the time alone together to talk about what's going on without the pressures of home, work, school, peers, etc.

I think it will be a great opportunity for the two of you to spend good quality time together. I bet she will be a different person on your vacation.

I have no advice for how to deal with a 14 yr old - but I hear it is not fun. I have a few more years before I have to deal with it. Good Luck!

My guess is your vacation will be everything you hope for and more. My DD15 was totally relaxed on vacation. Like PP have said enjoy this one on one time and cherish it.

Find other punishments. No internet or computer time - No tv time - take cell phone away if she has one. These are the things that my DD enjoys so it works for us. Work / Chores get done before fun. Sassy talk gets fined either money or computer/tv time. If she can't text - ohhhh the horror!!

We live out in the middle of nowhere so texting is how she keeps in touch with her friends. That and email. She doesn't get the opportunity to just hang out with them much.

I love hanging out with my DD. She is my friend also. We shop together and hang out together all the time.

It is her age no I wouldn't cancel. If you cancel she would be hurt. She is a teen and it will change but you have to get through it.

I think I agree with you all.. it's got to be the age. I remember being 14 (I don't know how I lived through it! My poor mom!) I think I'll still keep her in the plans, but will limit the internet time, friend time, and phone time (we live in rural VT, so it's important to her!) I hope we have a good trip, I just worry, KWIM? (worry that she'll pull attitude while at WDW... what then! It's wrong to have attitude at WDW! - isn't it a crime? Must get pixie dust to sprinkle on her!)

I cancelled the trip to Disney with my youngest who was 19 at the time; got smart with her mouth, (she really thought it was still on & shocked to learn otherwise) & took my oldest to Universal instead. Not everyone is in a position to do this mind you.

I once knew a child psychologist who said to take away what matters most to them.

I have a 15 yr old step daughter who every once in a while gets out of line so...we take away what matters most to her, her phone & computer, works like a charm

I was fortunate to have 3 great teens but at 19 my youngest thought she knew it all so I sent her on her way never to talk like that in MY house, she learned.

We're set to have our 2nd Mother Daughter vacation this Nov. She is my Disney Princess.

Talk to her maybe she's going through a tough time with school, friends etc & if it gets so bad/disrespectful I would cancel or take someone else JMO. Who wants to vacation with someone who is unappreciative or disrespectful?. Again JMO

Good Luck Seriously, I bet she's really a great kid!

The attitude is a lot of backtalk (we don't know what we're talking about), and general laziness... not doing her job around the house (not being a productive part of the family... ) She hasn't gone too far (yet!) so I think we'll keep the trip going. (and keep our fingers crossed)

their brains go away about that age, my DD18 is just starting to get part of hers back. there will be days you want to kill her but we go to jail if we do that and then Disny trips are the least of our worries. Girls this age are trying to be independent and will push you.Take her with you and maybe some alone bonding time will help, just think of it this way it wont hurt.

I think we're still going. (I tell you, she's lucky to be going... I wonder when she'll realize that...???)

Thank you for all of the input! It really helps verify that it's just her age.

 

[kevschickee]

I think I agree with you all.. it's got to be the age. I remember being 14 (I don't know how I lived through it! My poor mom!) I think I'll still keep her in the plans, but will limit the internet time, friend time, and phone time (we live in rural VT, so it's important to her!) I hope we have a good trip, I just worry, KWIM? (worry that she'll pull attitude while at WDW... what then! It's wrong to have attitude at WDW! - isn't it a crime? Must get pixie dust to sprinkle on her!)



The attitude is a lot of backtalk (we don't know what we're talking about), and general laziness... not doing her job around the house (not being a productive part of the family... ) She hasn't gone too far (yet!) so I think we'll keep the trip going. (and keep our fingers crossed)



I think we're still going. (I tell you, she's lucky to be going... I wonder when she'll realize that...???)

Thank you for all of the input! It really helps verify that it's just her age.

I am so not looking forward to those years I really am not but for some reason I have the feeling she will be a little different in Disney. Good luck with any choice you should make. BTW I was awful at that age my poor mom.

 

[look1angel]

I think I agree with you all.. it's got to be the age. I remember being 14 (I don't know how I lived through it! My poor mom!) I think I'll still keep her in the plans, but will limit the internet time, friend time, and phone time (we live in rural VT, so it's important to her!) I hope we have a good trip, I just worry, KWIM? (worry that she'll pull attitude while at WDW... what then! It's wrong to have attitude at WDW! - isn't it a crime? Must get pixie dust to sprinkle on her!)



The attitude is a lot of backtalk (we don't know what we're talking about), and general laziness... not doing her job around the house (not being a productive part of the family... ) She hasn't gone too far (yet!) so I think we'll keep the trip going. (and keep our fingers crossed)



I think we're still going. (I tell you, she's lucky to be going... I wonder when she'll realize that...???)

Thank you for all of the input! It really helps verify that it's just her age.

Oh my goodness, she is a typical teen then, no worries, take her & enjoy! she'll come to appreciate you & all you've done in years to come. My youngest is now 23 & understands & appreciates what I do for her.

Like our mother's told us... It's when they have their own that they'll look at us & thank us

 

[Helene]

My 2 cents...FWIW

Discipline, regardless of the child's age, is most effective when 1) it is immediate & 2) is carried out. The issues you have with her now are classic for her age, but it is much more effective to hold her accountable in little doses ( no cell, no tv, etc) for time limited periods (one day vs one week) and incrementaly increase punishments if necessary.

The biggest mistake parents make is doling out punishments that they have difficulty enforcing and in the end kids learn they can push limits far...extremely far.

Good luck...sounds like you'll be taking her to Disney...enjoy the trip

 

[mjkacmom]

Dd13 started on my today. Before I lost my cool, I checked the calendar - sure enough, AF is scheduled to arrive for her on Saturday. When I mentioned that I might know why she was so on edge, she told me she knew it was PMS. It's a tough age, but I've found that it's best to go with the flow, because until they're adults, this is it. I remember back when she was 11, telling me she had no interest in going to WDW - however, when we surprised them with a trip, she turned back into a little kid again. It was great!