Need engagement party gift advice...what would you do?

[mtemm]

I'm so sorry you are in this position. To be honest, I am wondering if any gift would garner the response you would like it to. My hunch, based on your post, is that it would never be enough, to be honest.

as to what I would do. I would probably go and celebrate their engagement and wedding. and I would like to think i would also have a long, heartfelt talk with him about wanting to maintain a relationship, etc. And I would probably work really hard on refraining from judging him...if he chooses to live a lifestyle beyond my means, or even his means, well, that is really not my concern. he'll need to live with the consequences if there are any. but the relationship with him, assuming it is important to me, is what i would hope to preserve, but I would stress preserving it w/o it changing my $ values.

and try not to worry about his registry. give what you can afford when it comes to the shower...if that means only a top sheet, or a single iced tea spoon or whatever, just give that then. His choice to want pricier items. its okay to want them....but in the end, he might need to buy more of them himself.

 

[scrapquitler]

I have not yet read all the previous replies.

An engagement party is supposed to be just a party. It is not a shower, it is not a wedding, therefore there is no need for a big gift.

You already gave them a nice, appropriate engagement gift (the champagne basket). A small gift is fine for the engagment.

All the other stuff about the wedding and the backstory is irrelevant to choosign the gift.

And to the OP Try to keep an open mind, maybe all this is pure Bridezilla stuff being brought out by her and her parents, not a big reflection on your brother. It sounds like he is a bit overwhelmed by all this, too.

 

[KandD]

I have been in and gone to a LOT of weddings this year (I guess I am at that age!) Plus I am planning my own...

Without taking into consideration any of the other factors (who is paying, who is in the wedding, the relationship between you and your brother, etc. etc.) I do not think that presents are neccessary for an engagement party. Most people have engagement parties so that everyone can meet and celebrate. I have never even heard of giving money for an engagement present (maybe older folks would if they were unable to get to a store). Mostly things like wedding planning books, frames, a restaurant G.C. are given. HOWEVER, they are not required. Since you already GAVE a present when they were first engaged I think that your books are MORE than enough and I do not think that you should stress at all.

I am in complete shock that the bride's parents are expecting any of your brother's guests to pay for themselves. What a way to start off with the new inlaws! Are the bride's parents paying for all of their guests or do they expect the guests to give cash? If your side of the family offered to chip in that would be nice but I do not think it is mandatory and I certainly don't think that your family should be excluded just because there is no one to pay for them! How ridiculous! I predict that we will be seeing many more posts from you regarding this wedding because I am sure this is just the beginning!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I have not yet read all the previous replies.

An engagement party is supposed to be just a party. It is not a shower, it is not a wedding, therefore there is no need for a big gift.

You already gave them a nice, appropriate engagement gift (the champagne basket). A small gift is fine for the engagment.

All the other stuff about the wedding and the backstory is irrelevant to choosign the gift.

And to the OP Try to keep an open mind, maybe all this is pure Bridezilla stuff being brought out by her and her parents, not a big reflection on your brother. It sounds like he is a bit overwhelmed by all this, too.

That makes a lot of sense!

 

[arminnie]

I would give a card with cash if I were attending the engagement party.

Mystery I am going to really have to disagree with you here. You can never appease people like this with cash. Give a cash gift and they will complain that you didn't kick in more for the party. Reason has nothing to do with this. It's similar to dealing with a blackmailer (I guess this is emotional blackmail) they will bleed you dry emotionally and financially.

OP - quit worrying about "what they think". So they are not thrilled with your gift. You don't have to go to jail because of that. What are they going to do - beat you. Anyone who would hold this against you for years is never going to be happy with you.

OP - both you and your brother need to stop being judgemental of each other's different choices in life. Yes you are being judgemental about his way of life (fast moving, big spending etc). You stated that you are close although very different. You have to respect his right to be "money grubbing" , but you don't have to adapt to it. Just roll your eyes (in private), spend your money as you choose, and continue to love him anyway.

I never reply to posts but your obvious pain over this situation moved me to respond. Maybe things are diffrent in the midwest but large engagement parties with sit down dinners are not the norm. More like cocktail parties. Gifts are optional, not expected, and never cash.

I have lived from one end of the country to the other and in the middle. For MOST of the U.S. gifts are NEVER brought to an engagement party. Just because the wedding couple decides that admission and gifts are required doesn't make it so.

I got invited to a very large engagement party a year or so ago for the daughter of a friend in a major U.S. city in another state. Huge - not sure they could have added one thing to it. As big as any wedding. Seated meal, dancing, etc. The bride was having a very small wedding so this was the big blow out. I called individuals that I knew (not part of this event) to get advice. I'd heard about engagement presents here on the DIS so I asked if that was the norm now. I was assured that this was NOT the norm at all by some extremely socially prominent individuals.

I was not invited to the wedding as no one but immediately family were invited. This was the bride and groom's request. I was not the least bit offended. I sent a very, very nice wedding present because I wanted to not because I felt any obligation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So you think she would be OK, not bringing a gift?

If so, then that is great!

 

[dodukes]

I have not much to say cause frankly I'm in disbelief at the soon to be wife's actions but I feel sorry for your brother. He has a long hard marriage in front of him.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

What would I do? Not go to the party.

When did it become a custom to have 3 parties for a wedding? Engagement party/bachelor party/wedding reception. REALLY? In this economy?

 

[usnuzuloose]

I think your brother is in for a very stressful life. I have seen this happen with people I know where one side of the family excludes the other thinking they are no good, not up to their standards, whatever. I would spend as much time with your brother as you can now because I will bet in about 2 years, if they last that long, that you won't see him. They won't come to family functions, they won't attend holidays. She will find all kinds of excuses not to get together.

I would NOT attend the party and I would make sure your brother knows WHY(you being charged admission). I would send the books if you want but I would NOT get them anything else.

I feel your pain, how ever I agree with the post here. Your brother has no say in anything and is run by the bride and her family. At what cost before your brother finally figures out he has to exlude his side of the family for his wife to satisfy her. To me that is not a marraige, this is about status of money. Your brother feels the need to side with them. Hopefully he will wake up and see the light. So how come you have to pay and no one else does? And why does your brother not pay for you? I understand you will do what you need to do. No one here can really tell you what to do. What does your husband say? Please keep us posted. MY thoughts and prayers are with everyone Jo

 

[Liberty Belle]

OP, I'm so sorry. You should be happy for your brother at this time in his life, not hurting over the way his bride-to-be is acting. She seems like a self-centered thoughtless person.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd decline the invitation. If you go, I don't think you need to bring a gift, but if you do, the books you've picked out will be fine.

Your brother and his fiance have chosen the type of life they want to live and you have chosen yours. Nothing is wrong with either choice (as long as they can swing it). There is something wrong with them being so rude and thoughtless to you and your parents, though. I really don't know what to tell you. This sounds like just a painful mess.

 

[KittyHellstrom]

I feel bad saying so but I wouldn't go at all or give any more presents. The bride is being completely disrespectful towards your family.

People place way too much importance on gifts and money anymore. What happened to inviting people because you enjoy their company? When I see some of the crazy expensive things people put on their bridal registries I nearly pass out.

-Kitty

 

[CleoPahd]

Thank you to all of you. You have all posted such helpful & hopeful thoughts. In reading all of your responses it made me open my eyes to the fact that whatever gift I do or don't bring, there's so much more going on here, I don't think any choice will ever really be the right one. I guess I needed to see it in black and white. This board may be the best therapy I could ask for in letting me vent without taking it out on the people I love. My husband has been in the picture for many years before we were married, so he is very close to my brother also. He is hurt to see me hurt, but also a little upset that my brother would let things get to this point where my parents are being hurt so badly. He tries not to say too much because he's like that...he doesn't want to make things worse.

I do feel bad for my brother. I think he's caught up in something so much more than he expected, but at the same time he is a grown man. He did tell me he was sorry and it bothered him when he found out I was being asked to pay for my family. He told me that he absolutely wanted me there and that he would take care of it and speak to his future in laws, but I told him not to worry because my parents were handling it already at that point.

I don't think my brother has a dime in the bank...at one point he told me he only had 2 thousand, next thing I know he buys a 2 1/2 carat diamond that he claims he had the cash for. I know he must have charged it, there's no way he cold afford it. He has told me he already has a good amount of credit card debt and student loans on top of a mortgage. He pays the bills because he owns the property they live in. She gives a small amount for "rent". He has had to bring in other people to help offset expenses from time to time and rent out rooms while she continues to chip in only her small portion. I can't imagine how the finances will work out once they are married. Her money is her money and his money is their money. I only know this because he will call to ask me advice and praise me for the smart financial decisions I have made and says he wishes he could be more like me when it comes to saving and spending.

Though he has always been flashy and unfortunately does choose to live beyond his means, he has always been strongly rooted to family and extremely thoughtful. The past few years he has started to forget birthdays, mothers day, etc. They have already started to decline holiday events, which we expected would happen from time to time and are understanding of that. There have been holidays when he has come alone because she refuses to split the time between both families. Her family also lives in the same state we live in, so when they are home to visit they could easily squeeze in both sides. His bride to be is an only child, and so I think she is used to getting her way. They have many well to do friends, who are actually well to do, not the way he is by maxing out charge cards. I think they feel the need to be on that level as well, which in a way makes me sad that they can't be happy with who they are without all the bells and whistles. I too think it will catch up with them eventually.

Thank you all for listening. Thinking about it kept me up all night last night. I had no idea how helpful to me it could be to vent finally...and to a bunch of strangers. You are all too kind to have taken your time to help me out.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Engagement parties do not require gifts. I think of them as a public celebration of their future joining. It's a time for well wishes and getting to know the other side.

I would go to the party but not because it's the right thing to do. I'd go to the party because the OPs parents are going to need the support. They are going to feel embarssed and possibly in the hot seat if the costs of the wedding comes up. The parents are going to need the moral support.

I do not think an engagement present is needed because you already mentioned at some point having to give a shower gift AND a wedding gift. I just think it's all too much.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

You already gave an engagment present, you do not need to give a second gift. Also, cash is not normally given as an engagment gift, it is usually something off the registry but you do not need to give a second gift so do not worry about it.

If her parents are throwing an engagment party your brother should be allowed to invite a certain number of guests including your family. It is very unusual for her parents to be charging for your admission. Your brother should speak to his future in-laws about charging for his sister to attend as it is just plain crazy rude.

As to the bridal party issue, I would let it go and not be upset. The bride did ask you, you hestitated and did not say yes when asked and most brides would not be thrilled about that. You don't sound like you want to be in it anyway, and I'm sure there will be several large expenses for throwing the shower and bachelorette party in addition to getting your dress, hair done the day of the wedding, etc.. It's much easier and less expensive to be a guest instead.

Try not to be too upset with your brother, his bride to be is obviously running the show.

 

[pigletgirl]

That is just rude and downright hurtful. They don't 'deserve' anything.

Man, is there anyway to pull your brother aside (even from his fiance) and have a heart to heart with your parents and him? I think it might be time.

Many many hugs for you and your parents!

 

[dislaney]

I would go to support the parents but I agree that no gift is really necessary and nothing you would give them would probably be enough! Sorry you are going through this.

 

[jaci-h]

I don't give cash or giftcards for engagements. Usually sentimental gifts. For weddings we give cash or giftcards.

I think your gift is fine!

 

[clh2]

The books sound really thoughtful. I owuld never give money for this type of event...sounds like whatever you give isn't going to be enough to endear you to the bride's family anyway.

If you feel the need to have an additional item for a gift, what about a bottle of wine. Notice I didnt' say a "nice" bottle of wine.

 

[Kika]

I think the fact that the bride's parents are charging you and your family to attend your brother's engagement party is . I find that tacky, not to mention, rude and hurtful.

Sorry that you have been hurt by that situation. It sounds like this bridezilla won't affect you and your brother's close relationship in the long run, and that is good to hear. (It sounds like your brother knows that it is wrong for you to have to pay to go to the party by saying that he felt badly about it and offering to cover you guys.)

With that said, I would just give them the books for this party and then a nice shower and wedding gift. That is more than enough IMHO, considering the circumstances surrounding the party and the fact that you already gave them a gift when they got engaged.

to you.

 

[Keli]

First off-- I can tell you're hurting from your brother's behavior.

For the engagement gift, I would go ahead and give the books that you've already gotten the couple. You've already given them an engagement gift and it's not like you need to feel as though you're matching an extravagant gift given to you by your brother when you were married.

As to being in the wedding party, after reading about the way your brother and fiance act, I'd decline. My guess is that the financial outlay you'd be expected to put out would be very uncomfortable for you. When I read that someone spends their own money like water, in my experience, that kind of person is very willing to volunteer you to spend your money like that, as well.

If I were you, I'd also have a talk with your parents. They should not be contributing to your brother's wedding if they're having financial hardships themselves. No one is owed a big wedding. If your brother and his future wife want a big fancy party, then they should be footing the bill themselves.

I agree with this post about all three points.