need dining help w/ Bulimic teen

[tallvine]

My husband & I have been planning this trip for over 6 months and we leave in 2 weeks. we are taking my entire family - my mother,my brother his 2 kids and my 14yr old daughter. I had made my ADRs for dinner months ago. Since we are going in June and there are 7 of us I could only get rather late reservations ( 7 and 7:30 ) then the bombshell came last month when we learned my 14 yo is bulimic. we're all in therapy learning how to deal with this but we've been told it's going to be a long battle ( she's been doing this a little less than a year ). But these are our issues and we have to/ want to help her work through this . Now my Disney dilema - I now know that the later in the day she eats the more likely she is to throw it up - earlier meals she feels she can "work" off . I've tried to reschedule my ADRs for earlier times but am having no luck unless I want to split us all up ( 4 at one time and 3 at another). I've been so excited for this trip - my family has had a very difficult year and this trip was to be a celebration of us all being together. Even thought my brother & his 2 kids have never been to Disney should I cancel all the ADRs - then everyone suffers and we'll have no dinner plans ( the other 2 kids don't know about the bulimia ) but I'm afraid if we finish up dinner around 8:30 or 9 she will just throw it up! I know this sounds like a small thing in light of the bigger picture but I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible during this vacation. I'm just not sure what to do about the dinner thing - I haven't told many people ( other than immediate family ) so I can't really get their opinions. My mother thinks we should cancel the ADR's - DH isn't sure... I know this board has been so helpful and if any people out there would appreciate trying to maintain the "magic" of the trip while still being sensible I know you people will!

 

[DVCLiz]

My husband & I have been planning this trip for over 6 months and we leave in 2 weeks. we are taking my entire family - my mother,my brother his 2 kids and my 14yr old daughter. I had made my ADRs for dinner months ago. Since we are going in June and there are 7 of us I could only get rather late reservations ( 7 and 7:30 ) then the bombshell came last month when we learned my 14 yo is bulimic. we're all in therapy learning how to deal with this but we've been told it's going to be a long battle ( she's been doing this a little less than a year ). But these are our issues and we have to/ want to help her work through this . Now my Disney dilema - I now know that the later in the day she eats the more likely she is to throw it up - earlier meals she feels she can "work" off . I've tried to reschedule my ADRs for earlier times but am having no luck unless I want to split us all up ( 4 at one time and 3 at another). I've been so excited for this trip - my family has had a very difficult year and this trip was to be a celebration of us all being together. Even thought my brother & his 2 kids have never been to Disney should I cancel all the ADRs - then everyone suffers and we'll have no dinner plans ( the other 2 kids don't know about the bulimia ) but I'm afraid if we finish up dinner around 8:30 or 9 she will just throw it up! I know this sounds like a small thing in light of the bigger picture but I'm trying to keep things as normal as possible during this vacation. I'm just not sure what to do about the dinner thing - I haven't told many people ( other than immediate family ) so I can't really get their opinions. My mother thinks we should cancel the ADR's - DH isn't sure... I know this board has been so helpful and if any people out there would appreciate trying to maintain the "magic" of the trip while still being sensible I know you people will!

I don't know anything about treating bulimia, but I wouldn't make the entire party change plans over your daughter's medical condition. Either explain to her that a Disney trip is incredibly physically challenging, and she will be doing a lot of walking and will need those meals in order to keep up with the group the next day, or just ask her to attend the meal with the group but not to order or eat.

Again, I don't have any medical knowledge but I wouldn't let a 14 year old dictate the plans of the group under any circumstances. I'd have her just sit at the table with a book or ask her to particpate in the conversation and enjoy seeing her cousins be at Disney for the first time.

 

[GothTink]

What a troubling time for you and your family! I would keep the ADRs and just emphasize to her that all the walking you'll be doing will burn off those calories quick - it might stop her from purging. Keep a close eye on her (if she excuses herself to the restroom, casually say, "Oh, I'll join you."). And most of all, continue to give her the love and understanding you already are. She needs you right now, and it's very cool that you're thinking of her.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Having been a bulimic myself when I was a teen, I'm sorry what you and the family are going through. I would keep the reservations but watch that she doesn't overeat - if on dining plan, maybe suggest/allow her to take dessert back to room and not eat it to save for next day when it's earlier so she feels comfortable working it off. Do not allow her out of your sight like PP stated - no restrooms, etc. on own. Don't make it obvious, just be there. I'm surprised your counselor hasn't given any other tips.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

Sorry for what you are dealing with. I just wanted to say that we had a few dining reservations with a larger group that they said we would be split up..and worse case was tables next to each other. so Its not like you wouldn't be sitting with each other. If that helps

 

[VAN]

I've never had to deal with this, but my initial thoughts are to discuss this with the counselor you are seeing.

You are still six months away so, hopefully, some progress will be made prior to the trip.

I would not cancel the ADR's ... maybe just keep calling to try to get earlier times.

I think you should have a family discussion with your daughter prior to the trip. Let her know that you realize it may be difficult, that you want to support her recovery, what can you do to help, etc. Let her know that for the dinner meals it is okay to eat lightly and (as someone said) forgo the dessert. You may even want to get copies of the menus prior to the trip so you two can discuss the various options ... that way she has a chance to think about it and won't feel so much pressure/panic when you sit down to eat. Also agree with others that you should be subtly keeping your eye on her and if you feel she is struggling, try to take some extra time separate from the others to work with her.

These are just my initial, no experience, thoughts about the matter.

 

[rt2dz]

I think you mentioned you all were in therapy. I’m assuming she sees a therapist one on one in addition to family consoling. How about asking her therapist on the best way to proceed? It seems to me her therapist would have the medical grasp and at least some understanding of her triggers. Or at least have ideas on how to handle the situation. You might want to make an extra appointment without her, even if just via the phone, to discuss it.

ETA: Van just beat me to the punch on posting!

 

[Maggie'sMom]

Keep the ADRs, but keep calling and try to move them earlier. If you are not successful, then maybe plan a late afternoon snack each day so your DD will at least eat at that time, and hopefully not try to purge. At the later meals, would it help to encourage her to eat light and skip dessert? Would that lessen her desire to purge? I just have never had to deal with this so I'm not sure of the psychology behind it.

I agree with GothTink. If your DD excuses herself to go to a restroom after a meal, join her.

 

[VAN]

Ooops, reread your post. You are leaving in 2 weeks. Well, I stand by the rest of my comments ......

Best of luck.

 

[mommy-on-the-move]

I would talk with her counsellor, I think it's important to believe bulimia is a serious physical and psychological illness/condition, it's not just a teen throwing a hissy fit but a genuine disorder and so on that basis I wouldn't take the mentality that if you change/cancel things she is dictating everyone else- because dictating everyone else is doing something to be selfish and "me,me,me" - bulimia is damaging her more than anyone so a little inconvenience for others should be understandable and I am sure that your extended family will understand that. Does your counsellor have information you could give to your brother to get him up to speed on the situation? I know often informed people are more graceful in accepting the need to compromise.

A vacation should be about enjoying what you do get to do, not feeling cheated out of what you don't get to do so if you have to miss a couple, miss them, if you get to go to them all it's a bonus- the important thing is you're a loving family who are supporting your daughter back to full emotional, physical and psychological health so she can enjoy many more family vacations with you in the future.

I would talk to her counsellor, yes dis is a very physical place so you could play the extra- excercise angle but then i think you'd risk impacting things by suggesting eating should mean having to work harder to burn it all.

 

[tallvine]

thanks to all of you - yes she is in therapy - since this is still "new" to us she has only met once one on one - the first appt was a family history meeting. tomorrow is her 2nd meeting one on one ( therapist sees her every week so we're all taking this seriously). My plan tomorrow is is speak w/ the therapist about this ( and other concerns I have) I'm assuming tomorrow's appt will be to discuss the treatment "plan" going forward. Of course my dd is still throwing up even though she knows her father & I know and I know one of her triggers is eating later in the day ( after 7PM) so this is why I'm concerned w/ my adr times. Again - everyone has told us there is no quick "fix" for this so I'm just trying to avoid the inevitable pitfalls as much as possible!!

 

[rt2dz]

I just thought that you may also want to go over to the DISabilities board. You might find someone with more experience.

 

[crisi]

I would ask if she would like to eat earlier - then feed her her "big meal" at lunchtime (or a late lunch) - even if it is counterservice, encourage her to eat a small sensible dinner (maybe just an appitizer sized dish).

Is she binging and purging, or just purging?

Do talk to her therapist. Perhaps even print out menus and pre-plan what she will eat, she may feel more control if she knows going into a restaurant what she will eat there and less temptation to binge if that is her pattern.

 

[GothTink]

Do not allow her out of your sight like PP stated - no restrooms, etc. on own.

Actually, I didn't say to let her out of your sight...

 

[RadioFanatic]

Actually, I didn't say to let her out of your sight...

sorry, I guess I expanded on that. You see, as a bulimic I would do what I had to do anywhere after a meal, so I just meant after a meal don't let her out of your sight for about an hour or so.

 

[noodleknitter]

Realize she might have some issues, and that they may show up while you are on vacation. Just be good to her, do the best you can, encourage her to do the best she can, and enjoy the trip.

She may do great, or she may backslide. If she backslides, talk to the counselor to discuss how people should react. She knows the young lady, and should be able to give reasonable advice.

 

[bangzoom6877]

Bulimia is a very serious disease, and must be taken seriously, so it is really good that you are trying to do what is best for your daughter.

Try to keep calling the restaurants for an earlier ADR time. You can also look at this as a challenge which can teach your daughter that it is normal and perfectly okay to eat dinner at 7:30 PM. This has potential to be a slight breakthrough for her in that respect. I also suggest going to the rest room with her after dining. But, do not make an issue over it. Something simple like, "oh, I need to go too, I'll join you" would suffice. BUT, do not be surprised if she responds to something like this with a defense. Just be prepared for something like that. If your daughter begins making negative comments about the amount of food on the trip or anything like that, just try and make light of it to her and point out the bright side, that you are all enjoying the time together as a family, that you are doing so much walking that it is okay and will not hurt when dining out, and you may also point out the healthy choices to her at each dining venue. It is important for your daughter to learn to eat healthy while recovering from bulimia.

Being a person who was anorexic for a period of time at age 14 (and very proud to say I have not starved myself since then, though I constantly worry about my weight...but my doctor is proud of me), I would say definitely NOT to encourage your daughter not to eat at these evening meals. Sometimes anorexia and bulimia go hand in hand, a person might have one of the diseases, and then resort to the other, alternating between the two. So skipping meals is not an option either.

Best of luck to you at this difficult time. I stopped starving myself on my own due to medical issues I was experiencing (fainting), and no one could figure out why. A year after I started eating normally again, I told my mother what I had been doing. She told my doctor and he wrote it in my chart. I was watched closely from that point on. Then I gained weight and resorted to Weight Watchers, which my doctor allowed. But again, everyone kept a close watch on me. Proud to say I am going to be 31 this Sunday and have never gone back to being anorexic! So, there is a ton of hope for your daughter!

Take care,
Bonnie

 

[Wendy5055]

I am sorry for what your daughter and your family are experiencing with her illness.

Not knowing much about bulemia, I can only use my common sense. Perhaps others that have experienced what you are going through can lend more advice...

Get advice from her doctor!

Try to get as many earlier dinner ADR's as possible. In light of the severe medical consequences, I don't think that scheduling your ADR's earlier would be putting anyone out...that is just my personal opinion. Personally, I would clue adult family members in on your daughter's disease. It is important that they understand what is happening and that she needs understanding and encouragement.

Always encourage her to eat healthfully (I'm sure you already do), but encouraging her towards the "healthy menu options" as opposed to burger & fries (which everyone knows is "fattening"). I would think that an open dialogue between you (parents) and your daughter about healthy foods vs. non-healthy foods while going over the menu choices would not be a bad idea (I could be wrong and don't mind being corrected!!!).

More doeable portions for her to handle (without feeling overfull). I would think that that "full" feeling can trigger the need to purge. Perhaps her stomach is not used to the feeling of food in her stomach for longer periods of time...I can see as it may be uncomfortable for her.

Encourage her to spend time with you after dinner and walk the park or resort together SANS bathroom break prior to walk...especially since it is the dinner that triggers her. Maybe take this time to talk about whatever is on her mind at the time. If she insists that she MUST use the bathroom, go with her...heck, women go together ALL the time!!!

Be encouraging and tell her how proud you are of her that she is "trying". I feel in some way that young girls (and women) going through this are searching for balance and control on a very personal level ( I could be wrong).

I feel deeply for what you all are going through and my prayers are with you and your family!!!

 

[tyandbash]

So sorry you are going through this.

Just wanted to let you my experience with big parties and ADR's. Last year we had 11 of us going to Disney. I made ADR's and switched them so much before we left. For almost all dinners we were supposed to be separated. In most restaurants we had three tables (like 4, 4 and 3) and sometimes even at different times. At ALL of the places except for Chef Mickey's we sat at a table together. We were prepared not to, but the restaurants just moved tables to accommodate us. Even at Chef Mickey's we were at two tables right next to each other and we just put the kids at one!!lol Anyway, my point is, it might not be so bad with a reservation that has a table of 3 and a table of 4!!

 

[Wendybird55]

First of all I want to say I'm sorry your family is dealing with this and I wish you all the best. It seems as if you're doing everything you can to help your daughter and with time and proper treatment she will get better.

I am far from an expert and think any concerns or quetions you have should be directed to your daughter's Dr. and/or therapist.

My personal thought is don't event think or worry about Disney right now. Keep everything as it is and don't try to change things to compenste for something that can change in 6 months.

My thoughts on such situations is all you can do is take it a moment at a time - an hour at a time and then a day at a time. Worry about getting your daughter thru today and not 6 months from today. I'm sure it's tough enough for her to face each day right now without thinking about what's happening in 6 months.

As she progresses thru the upcoming months things will change with her condition and the time of day she eats may not be the same concern as it is today. Or it may be best for her to learn to work through situations then have them changed for her. It's so hard to say and I can only imagine what you are going thru.

I would let Disney be. Of course discuss your concerns and thoughts with her Dr. & therapist. But sometimes you can only take it one step at a time.

Here's hoping that when you go to Disney 6 months from now it will be a celebration of how much better your daughter will be.

Best of luck with everything