Need an objective opinion

[KAMLEM]

This is the issue….We typically celebrate Christmas with two SIL's, their families, MIL and FIL on the Sunday before Christmas. This year my 11 year old DD has 2 futsal games - one at 4:20 and another at 6:50. We don't want her to miss the games. There are only 8 games in the season and she is the starting goalie. We made a commitment to this team at the beginning of the season and we don't feel right about having her miss two games. They are trying to make it to the regionals in MD and the finals in CA so it's important to the team that everyone be there as much as possible, especially her since she's the goalie. In an effort to compromise we decided that she could miss the first game. That means that we would have to leave SIL's house by 5:30. Usually when we get together we get there around 12:30 and leave by about 6:30 so I didn't think that leaving an hour early was going to be a big deal. Boy, was I wrong. Apparently my 15 yr old nephew has to work until 4:00. SIL told us not to come before 2:00 and that she wants to wait until her son gets home from work to eat dinner. She said that they will exchange gifts with just us after that. The rest of them will exchange gifts and have dessert after we leave so that they can take their time. They are saying that we put DD sports ahead of family. I asked DH if his nephew could leave work a couple of hours early but he doesn't want to ask his sister. I think that there is a little more to it. SIL is always making comments criticizing us about the sports teams that our daughters are involved with. They say that they would never give up their weekend days to travel for a game. Their kids have never been involved with any kind of activity. They go to school and come home, that's it. No sports, dance, gymnastics, anything. I think that has a little to do with her attitude. Are we being unreasonable?

 

[cepmom]

sorry you have to deal with this...I have had some experience with extended familes and holiday commitments. Both of my parents are remarried and now my grandmother is remarried too...talk about stress trying to see everyone during the holidays!

I have learned that I won't be able to please veryone all the time. Now we just choose what to go to when we can. My DD's dance and have had to miss family gatherings due to their commitment to competitions, recitals etc. While I do beleive family is important, so is your DD's commitment to her team. I think you made a great compromise for her to only miss one game in order to still participate in your family party. Too bad you SIL doesn't see it that way. It appears that her son's work comes before family though doesn't it?
I say just go around 2:00 and leave when ever you need to go in order to get DD to her game on time. If SIL doesn't like it, too bad. YOu need to do what's right for your family.

 

[Skylarr29]

I agree that I would put my immediate family first. Yes it is the holidays but like you said your daughter made a commitment and I think it is great that you are teaching her to honor that. It sucks that your family does not want to compromise and since that is the case I would politely decline or just make it known that you had to leave early due to a previous obligation. I personally would be very happy that you are making the effort to live this crazy schedual to please everyone and at least attend but all some people care about are themselves which seems to be your SIL's case.

 

[stinkerbelle]

what does your DH say about this?
why doesn't he go to his Sisters, you take your DD to BOTH her games, and if they are still "hanging out" when she is done...go over to your SIL's house.

I see nothing wrong with that personally. Kids grow up...they get involoved in more things...sports./work...adults/family need to accept that.

 

[KAMLEM]

DH and I are in agreement on this. He really doesn't want to miss the game, either. He's very involved in the girls' sports. We did talk about splitting up but SIL lives an hour away so it would be too late for us to go later because it's a school night. SIL is also complaining that all of us haven't been to her house for a long time so that wouldn't make her any happier. DH went with the 2 girls alone the last time because I had bronchitis and was sick in bed but I guess that doesn't matter. The only thing she remembers is that I wasn't there. I don't think anything will make her happy unless we just skip the game.

 

[gypsydoodlebug]

So her son doesn't get off work until 4 p.m.? How is her family more important than yours? I say do what you can WHEN you can. Apparently they're doing the same thing. If they don't like it, that's they're problem to deal with. JMHO.

 

[stinkerbelle]

ya know - I could see if it was christmas eve or something...but it's a full week before christmas. I would ask your SIL if you could switch to a different day that would work for BOTH kids (sports and working kids)...or just say "we'll see you very late that night or not at all"

JMO

 

[Skylarr29]

So her son doesn't get off work until 4 p.m.? How is her family more important than yours? I say do what you can WHEN you can. Apparently they're doing the same thing. If they don't like it, that's they're problem to deal with. JMHO.

I agree... Its not fair to have to skip the games just because they dont like it. Families have to deal with stuff like this all the time. They are arrangeing their schedual for the son to do it so he can be there... I dont see why they couldnt have changed it ( time, day) or asked you ahead of time. If you and your husband agree I wouldnt go just to please them. Your daughter might end up being disapointed. Like I said I think immediate family's needs have to come before the rest.Its not like you are trying to skip a wedding, Christmas day , or a very important event.

 

[Chicago526]

ya know - I could see if it was christmas eve or something...but it's a full week before christmas. I would ask your SIL if you could switch to a different day that would work for BOTH kids (sports and working kids)...or just say "we'll see you very late that night or not at all"

JMO

I agree. How about getting together New Years Day instead? That's the Sunday after Christmas.

If they can't/won't change the date, then I agree with Stink, go late and leave early or just don't show and go to BOTH games. If your SIL will be upset no matter what you do, then why bother to miss a game in the first place?

 

[Missy1961]

ya know - I could see if it was christmas eve or something...but it's a full week before christmas. I would ask your SIL if you could switch to a different day that would work for BOTH kids (sports and working kids)...or just say "we'll see you very late that night or not at all"

JMO

Here you go--this is my opinion as well. She's putting her son's job first, why can't you put your daughter's game first? I think you & your husband have your priorities straight. You're teaching your daughter that commitments are important. As others have said, you can't please everyone all the time--please your immediate family first!

 

[AnaheimGirl]

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your SIL is. Apparently, it's OK to adjust the usual timing of the celebration for her son, but not for your daughter. I think your daughter was generous enough to give up one game, why can't her son try to trade shifts with someone else at work, so he can come home earlier, or get the day off? Or, can you try to get together a different day? How about Saturday instead of Sunday? Or a week earlier or later?

Reasonable people will try to find a time that works for everyone, and will realize that sometimes, that's impossible. If she refuses to do so, all you can do is attend for those hours that you can. Be prepared for a good comeback, though, in case she makes one of those criticizing remarks as you leave.

 

[VSL]

I think everyone is in agreement - you're not being undreasonable... and why can't your DH ask his sister about her son? I don't blame her son for having to work, but your SIL is willing to move things around for one person and not another. That is what is unreasonable.

 

[Beth76]

I see nothing wrong with that personally. Kids grow up...they get involoved in more things...sports./work...adults/family need to accept that.

Exactly. We used to do the same thing every year for T-day and xmas with my family from Chicago. Well it got to a point where it wasn't working for everyone. The kids grew up, got married, started new families and the same old thing that worked before just wasn't feasible.

I don't see how your nephew's job is any more important than your daughter's team. I say do what works best for you and your family. If SIL doesn't like it well...uh....too bad.

 

[malibuconlee]

I agree. You're not unreasonable. Your SIL is going to just have to realize that as the kids get older and have activities and jobs it's just going to be more difficult to arrage get-togethers and compromises will have to be made.

I also agree that it's not fair for your daughter to have to give up her games because your nephew can't/won't change his work shift. Then maybe you'll just have to change the day.

Time to figure out a new date that works better for everyone.

Off to look up what "futsal" is now....

 

[dianeschlicht]

We have dealt with a similar situation for years. DSIL has always wanted the family gathering at her house, at the time she chooses, and often moved it around to suit her family schedules, but never consulted the rest of us. When I offered to do it once in awhile, she always refused to come or even negotiate times etc.

You need to do what is best of your family, and not the second string family. Commitments are important, and your DD seems to know she should follow through on them. I agree you should go for the short time and leave when you have to. She will be the one who looks foolish, not you. Besides, she doesn't appear to be worth worrying about what she thinks of you.

 

[MICKEY88]

I would go to both of the games,,,as you stated your daughter made a commitment to the team, she should be there, if they miss regionals by one game and your daughter wasn't there, she will always feel that she let her team mates down..

 

[JimB.]

Times change. Families change and grow over time. Commitments change as the years go by.

Family traditions are nice & help to keep us grounded, but (IMHO) in this case, there are other circumstances involved.

Your DD has made a commitment to her team. One of the "life lessons" we try & teach our kids is that a commitment is just that, a COMMITMENT. The other parts of your immediate & extended family should realize this & be fair & flexible.

IMHO, the previous poster that suggested you take your DD to BOTH games has my vote. She has an obligation to her teammates to be there.

And good luck to her team in their quest!!

And ok, I'll bite...................... what the heck is "futsal"...........??

I'm from the south. If it isn't FOOTBALL or racing, it does not really exist.

 

[KAMLEM]

Futsal is like soccer but it is played on a basketball type court. The ball is smaller and harder than a soccer ball. There is one goalie and 4 players on the court. It's very fast paced and it's all about foot skills. It's a lot of fun to watch.

We tried to find another date but there just wasn't one that worked for all four families. Supposedly she has to have it at her house because BIL just got out of the hospital after having surgery for a broken leg. I am certainly sympathetic to that and I never would have questioned it until I asked her about doing it on Saturday, 12/17, and she said they couldn't because they were going to a party! When DH asked her how BIL was going she just tripped over her words. It's not worth causing a major family blow out. I'm glad to see that others agree with us. I knew that I would get an honest opinion here, I'm just glad that it was the same opinion as ours!

 

[inaminute]

If your DH agrees that celebrating the holiday a week early with his "second string" (great way to phrase that, BTW) family isn't important then I don't understand the problem. Just go to the games.

 

[stinkerbelle]

honestly it's only going to get 'worse' as the kids get older, get jobs (I remember working on christmas eve until 6pm and not showing up to dinner at my aunts house until nearly 7pm.), and then get significant others.

our "holiday" schedule changes each year, sometimes we go to his parents first, sometimes mine...we try to see every one on either christmas eve or day. MOST people understand that every one has hectic schedules these days (especially ONE WEEK prior to christmas)

I hope your DH can see this side of the story and lay it down for his sister.

best of luck to you