Need advice . . .

[tazdev3225]

I found out two weeks ago that the best man in my wedding is dying and has very little time left. We were very close before DH and I got married and for the year after. Unfortunately he and his wife divorced around the time my DS was born and my DH and I lost contact with him. His ex tracked me down, she was once my best friend but we lost contact with her too. Single and married with kids makes it hard to sustain a friendship sometimes. I have always regretted this and often thought of them but day to day life would distract me and months turned into years. DH and I are going to his house on Saturday to see him and I am really nervous about it. I don't know what he's going to look like and I really don't know what to say. I am a litle akward in these types of situations. Please help. If anybody can offer some advice on what to do or say it would be appreciated. I'm am just so sorry we didn't try to keep in contact but it is a valuable lesson not to take each day for granted. Thanks for any help.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think you'll have to wait til you get there and take the vibe he sends you.

Some people who are dying do not talk about it at all. You'll talk about old times and good times etc. Others, want to talk of it and that is the way the conversation will go. You just go with the flow knowing you are doing the right thing by seeing him before he passes.

When my dad was dying a few years ago, an ex BF called and wanted to visit him before he passed away. He wanted to thank him for being in his life and giving him direction as his father didn't step up in that way. We had dated for 4 years so this guy was around my family a lot.

he came by and my dad didn't talk about dying. We talked about old times and new times and I know ex-BF felt really good about getting to see Dad and getting to say goodbye to him. He has no regrets because he followed his heart. You won't either.

Best wishes to you and bless you for caring for your friend. "Better late than never" is a saying for a reason!

 

[WL Fan]

Sometimes the drive to their house is the worst...

I have an aunt who is dying from melanoma. Last weekend we drove up to see her, and it was really hard. But once we were there, I found her to be just the same on the inside, weaker and tired on the outside, but still my aunt. I let her pick the subject, and it was good to just spend the time with her.

I told my husband I'd rather spend the time with her, as hard as it might be, while she was alive than to wait and go to her funeral.

It takes courage, but it sounds like you can do it!

 

[tazdev3225]

I think you'll have to wait til you get there and take the vibe he sends you.

Some people who are dying do not talk about it at all. You'll talk about old times and good times etc. Others, want to talk of it and that is the way the conversation will go. You just go with the flow knowing you are doing the right thing by seeing him before he passes.

When my dad was dying a few years ago, an ex BF called and wanted to visit him before he passed away. He wanted to thank him for being in his life and giving him direction as his father didn't step up in that way. We had dated for 4 years so this guy was around my family a lot.

he came by and my dad didn't talk about dying. We talked about old times and new times and I know ex-BF felt really good about getting to see Dad and getting to say goodbye to him. He has no regrets because he followed his heart. You won't either.

Best wishes to you and bless you for caring for your friend. "Better late than never" is a saying for a reason!

He was thrilled to hear from my DH and I know that they will probably set the tone. My biggest regret is that this is what it took for us to contact him. We do have a lot of good memeories from the old days so I'll follow his lead to see what he wants to talk about.

Sometimes the drive to their house is the worst...

I have an aunt who is dying from melanoma. Last weekend we drove up to see her, and it was really hard. But once we were there, I found her to be just the same on the inside, weaker and tired on the outside, but still my aunt. I let her pick the subject, and it was good to just spend the time with her.

I told my husband I'd rather spend the time with her, as hard as it might be, while she was alive than to wait and go to her funeral.

It takes courage, but it sounds like you can do it!

My friend is dying from melanoma too. I am a little worried about my DH because his father died from that when DH was little. I am hoping that by time we get there the friend won't be too tired. He has said he will put off his meds that day so we can visit fo a little bit. My DH has to work in the morning and it is a 1 1/2 hour drive down. I will let my friend lead the way and just try to be upbeat.

Thank you both for your help.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

Don't spend time regretting what can't be changed. Go and be in the moment with him. Share details of your life if he seems interested. Listen and just be present. Follow his lead. I'm sure it will mean a lot to him.

One more thing: If you husband has a history of melanoma in his family he needs a to see a dermatologist every year or two. It can be genetically linked. My older brother died of that horrible disease as did one of my uncles. My entire family has to be screened - just in case. Melanoma caught early isn't a death sentence.

 

[tazdev3225]

Don't spend time regretting what can't be changed. Go and be in the moment with him. Share details of your life if he seems interested. Listen and just be present. Follow his lead. I'm sure it will mean a lot to him.

One more thing: If you husband has a history of melanoma in his family he needs a to see a dermatologist every year or two. It can be genetically linked. My older brother died of that horrible disease as did one of my uncles. My entire family has to be screened - just in case. Melanoma caught early isn't a death sentence.

My FIL died in the early 60's before a whole lot could be done as far as treatment options go. DH does do a body scan for anything suspicious but works so many hours that i'm lucky he remembers to take his meds that he needs. I do keep on my kids though my youngest DD has already had a precancerous mole removed and she was only 18.
I do intend to celebrate the time we have left with our friend but am just sad that it took something like this to bring us back together.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Acknowledge the time passed so quickly... and let it go.

Share the time you have remaining. It's says much that the terminally ill friend is willing to share the last precious bit of time with you.

Hug. Hugs are always a good thing when words are useless.

Let the friend lead the conversation. Listen. Listen some more.

Cherish each day remaining to you... lesson learned.