Need advice on DD father....

[aunt lissa]

I found out lastnight that my DD-8 father is trying to locate me so he can see our daughter. This man has not seen her since she was 15 months old and at that he's only seen her 3 times. This was all his choice, he didn't want to be in her life. I never stopped him from seeing her and he lived around the corner from us for 3 years. I don't know what to do at this point!! I don't want him to see her, or to hurt her. The last that I seen him he was on drugs and not a good person by any means. When we were together he was very abusive, so I don't trust him. My problem is I know she has a right to know who he is. She asks questions, I give her honest answers and wasn't expecting to have to deal w/ this kind of situation until she was 15 or so. I have always told her that when she was old enough that I would help her find him but I don't think she's old enough. I don't know what his purpose is for wanting to see her now. I don't want him to come into her life only to go right back out. My head is so mixed up right now. I want to do the right thing for my DD!! So any advice would be great! Has anyone else gone thru a similar situation?

 

[Tiggeroo]

So sorry. I am one of those that feel you have to act like a father to have those rights. Do you have the ability to consult an attorney. I would go see what your rights are in this case. Do you have to allow him to see her? If you do, can you insist it be supervised. I would think it wouldn't be a bad idea to speak with a counselor. Would it be better for your dd to postpone this until she is older? Is there an age or time when she would be better able to deal with this.
If it's better that she not have him in her life, is it possible that he's the sort of person that when faced with a little opposition, will just go away?
Either way i would meet him without her first, several times. Try to find out how serious he is. See if he's willing to work with you on finding the best way to do this is. Maybe you will find he has changed. Perhaps he has grown up, turned over a new leaf and seriously wants to make ammends to her and establish a healthy relationship. If that's the case she would be better off to have him in her life.

 

[mrsv98]

I would make darn sure that he wants to be a long-term part of her life first. My DSis's ex H is a real jerk. He stays in touch with my DNph just enough to torture him (not literally of course, but emotionally). When he doesn't make his very small support payments, he doesn't call and that is very often. My sister has never denied him access by phone or visit, he just doesn't take advantage of the opportunity. He will go weeks without speaking to DNph, or promise a visit (he lives here, they live in Denver) and then not show up. His latest trick was to promise to bring his 2 older DDs to visit. DNph spoke to them and of course they had no idea this was mentioned and the visit never happened. DNph cried himself to sleep. Sorry for the rant/vent, but I have seen first hand what a "sometime" parent can do to a child. Who knows, maybe he has changed and part of that is wanting to become a responsible parent. Just make sure first. JMHO.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

oh that's so tough. I'm sorry you're going through this.
First, does he have any residual legal rights to see her? If not, I'd make him fight it out to get that first -- he most likely would eventually win the right for visitation, but it could very well be that the effort of obtaining it will be enough for the sudden burst of "fatherly" love to wear off and he'll fade away for another 5 to 10 years.

Other than that, don't do anything to make it easier, but don't do anything to make him feel like this is a fight he wants to win either. Don't go looking for him....wait until he calls you and then be very noncommital. Be polite, but be vague.

Ooops, we're busy this weekend. Could you call back next week sometime and maybe we could set something up? Get caller id, don't answer the phone. avoid avoid avoid.

If there is a history of drugs, fight leaving her alone with him under any circumstances until you absolutely have no other choice or you are sure that he has conquered that demon and she is safe with him.

 

[Beast fan]

I'll paraphrase PART of what Dr. Laura would say.........

--In an ideal situation your DD would be in a 2-parent household (mother and father). That isn't the case with your DD. DD's 'father' is not really a father (let's just call him a donor, to be polite). A 'father' does not abandon his child for almost 7 years. If he was on drugs, there is a good chance he still is, and it would be tantamount to child abuse for you to blindly let your DD (who you have raised and nurtured to the best of your ability) see her 'father'.
If he wants to see his offspring badly enough, he will go through the proper lines of communication. You, however, should consult an attorney, to clear up what your rights are (and those of DD's 'father').--

Okay, it's now me talking....... Consult your attorney, and don't forget to give your DD an extra special "just because" hug. (That's what REAL parents, like you, get to do.)
P.S.: I hope noone takes the above as a RANT AND RAVE. Had aunt lissa called Dr. Laura, that's about the response she would have received.

Dave

 

[onecoolmama]

I agree, meet with an attorney, learn your legal rights, then meet with him first and see what you think about his true intentions. I owuld not leave him alone with her..not only the abuse thing and all that, but he is just trying to reenter her life...why...does he want to take her away? These are all the quesions you need answers to before any meeting between him and her take place.

As long as you meet with the attorney, and then meet him knowing both your rights and his...you should be ok. See if his intentions are to better her life or better his...because what might make him feel better may not be the best thing for her.

I was 3 when my parents split..and I, much like MrsV98's nephew would have been better off not ever having him in my life! However, my brother benefitted from having my dad in his life...so it is not always cut and dry. Good Luck to you and your family! Pixie Dust to you all!

 

[aunt lissa]

Thank-you all so much for your advice. I will be calling an attorney. I'm not sure if he was saying this just to say it or if he really means it. I would under no circumstances leave my DD alone w/ him unless forced to do so by the courts. He has 10 children so my first thought is she the only one he's wanting to see...because if she is I have doubts that he is wanting to really be a part of her life. I've asked a few people that I know where he lives and apparentley he's still hanging out w/ the "wrong crowd"! That in itself made my decision for me. I will not speak w/ him unless an attorney says it would be in my best interest to. I don't believe that will be the case though. The problem is he's in Ohio and I'm in Florida, so which attorney do I call? One there or one here? He's never shown an interest in his daughters life, and is more than $15,000.00 behind in child support. I think all of this will speak for itself if it comes down to court. I don't think it will though, I doubt very much that he would actually put up a fight to see her.

 

[CEDmom]

First off, I'm really sorry this is happening to your DD and you. I hope my questions aren't too personal. I don't know from your posts whether you were married to your DD's father or not. If so I would contact the lawyer who handled your divorce and custody. If you weren't married, do you have a legal custody agreement with her father? If so, then contact that lawyer. If you don't have any agreement now is the time to contact a lawyer in FL and get an agreement filed with the courts. You'll be in a much better position to fight her father regarding visitation if his lack of presence in her life is documented and filed. Good luck. I hope all works out in your DD's best interest.

 

[aunt lissa]

No we were never married. At the time that I had my DD I was 16 he was 21...I was told that custody was established in getting the child support order. It states on all the court papers that I am the custodial parent and he is non-custodial. But my support orders are done thru Ohio. I've only been in Florida for 3 years. I never thought I'd deal w/ this situation so I've never done any custodial papers thru the courts. His name isn't on her Birth Certificate or anything! He just has never been there! That is why I'm so confused and lost now.

 

[Pop Daddy]

even if he isnt a good dad, by making an issue of this will just mess up your child, try and get along

 

[bsnyder]

Lissa, please see an attorney. Start with one close to where you live. If you can't afford one, check in the phone directory and find a legal aid center. They'll be able to clear up the questions about which state has jurisdiction.

It's fine to vent to friends and family about this, but you need to find out what his legal rights are from a trained professional.

Good luck to you and DD....this is a tough situation. Just take it one day at a time and find out the facts.