Quotes:
# Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f***ing Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white *** down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a******* this side of the nuthouse.
# Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.
# [Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]
Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: I wasn't talking to you.
# Clark: Burn dust, eat my rubber.
Rusty Griswold: You mean burn rubber, eat my dust.
Clark: Whatever
# Clark: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, ***, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-***, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey s*** he is. Hallelujah. Holy s***. Where's the Tylenol?
# Clark: Well I'm gonna park the cars and get the suit cases, and well, I'll be outside for the season.
# Clark: Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?
Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine, Clark.
# Clark: 'Tis the season to be merry.
Mary: That's my name.
Clark: No s***.
# Uncle Lewis: Hey Grizz, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.
# [as an entourage of suits - lead by Clark's boss - passes by single file]
Clark: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ***. Kiss his ***. Kiss your ***. Happy Hanukkah.
# Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an a****** in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: S****** was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our s*******, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.
# Bethany: Don't throw me down Clark.
Clark: I'll try not to, Aunt Bethany...
# Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: ****tin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. ****tin' rocks
# Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience honey.
# Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?
# [a squirrel is loose in the house]
Clark: Where's Eddie he usually eats these God damn things.
# Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.
# Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.
# [talking about Snot, Eddie's dog]
Eddie: If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.
# Eddie: If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all.
# Ellen: I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.
# Margo: And why is the carpet wet, Todd?
Todd: I don't Know Margo.
# Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!
Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?
Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!
# Eddie: Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd p*** my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.
# Audrey: Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?
Ellen: Well, I'm sleeping with your father.
# Audrey: I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.
Art: If they know your dad, they won't think anything of it.
# Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.
# Art: Hurry up, Clark. I'm freezing my baguettes off.
# Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
[turns to Lewis] Aunt Bethany: What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
[they all pose for prayer] Aunt Bethany: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.
# Ellen: Welcome to our home - what's left of it.
# [after reaching the Griswolds' house]
Aunt Bethany: Is this the airport Clark?
# Aunt Bethany: Is Rusty still in the navy?
# Aunt Bethany: What's that sound? You hear it? It's a funny squeaky sound.
Uncle Lewis: You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
# [after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about p****** your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey Griswold: He worked really hard Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.
# [a squirrel is loose in the house] Clark: Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddam things.
Catherine: Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.
# Margot: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margot: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this s***, then I am.
# Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.
# Clark: Hey, Kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa's sleigh on it's way in from New York City.
[after a pause] Eddie: You serious, Clark?
# Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?
# [the newel post is wobbly so Clark cuts it off with a chain saw] Clark: Fixed the newel post.
# Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
# Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb didn't we?
Rusty: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...
# [picks up the phone receiver] Mr. Shirley: Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.
# Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less *** than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?
# Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
# Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.
# Clark Griswald,Sr.: SQUIRREL.
# Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell.
# Clark: The most enjoying traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath.
# Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...
# Clark: I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.
# Audrey: Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?
# [Todd Chester stares in horror at Eddie draining the RV toilet]
Eddie: Merry Christmas. S****** was full.
# [walks in with a bound and gagged Mr. Shirley tied with a big red ribbon] Eddie: Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas, Clark.
[to Mr. Shirlet]
Eddie: You about ready to do some kissing?
# Clark: My cousin in-law whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...Is innocent.
when the squirrel is in the house!
My favorite part is when Aunt Bethany thinks the house is on fire from all the lights. LOL!!!
