My son the gentl Giant

[snookhams]

I will apologise now for ranting on but I am so angry, and as the children go back to school tomorrow I'm getting angrier by the minute.

I am fed up with my 10 year old son being bullied and picked on, he is a gentle giant and I have never ever known him hit another child, even his younger brother, but I really wish he would stand up for himself, the school seem almost incapable of doing anything and if it wasn't for the fact that he only has year 6 to do and that it might be worse at another school I would move him.
This is after all a Church school and I am apalled by the language and behaviour of many of the pupils (in all years), they obviously don't come from the required christian background! I would love to find somewhere for him to do assertiveness classes but have no idea where to look, he has no friends in his class and often plays with the children in years below him which doesn't help with his piers. It is begining to worry me that it will continue in secondry school, and I want him to be more prepared. He just doesn't fit in to the mould of most of the boys in his class - he's not keen on football, but is an avid swimmer, loves reading and maths, he's even tried Karate but gave it up because it was too violent. Does anyone have any ideas I begining to reach my wits end - he was picked on a the swimming pool the other day whilst his younger brother had lessons and when I told the other childrens mother she said that she didn't believe it because he is big she thought that he had started it and believed her childs lies I was so angry, but having another slanging match won't help.

By the way we call him the gentlle giant because he is 5'2" and takes a size 8 in a shoe!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[peter+lynne]

hi sorry to hear your problem,
i was lucky i was never bullied at school.
now you said your son didnt like karate because it was violent i think probably more it was too hard,i know i tried.
now do you have a local boxing school nearby? in a boxong school he will meet other lads his same age and hanging around kids his own age who box will give him confidence and older boxers who are friends make great bodygaurds!!
he dosent have to go around boxing everyone who bullys him,but getting in the ring and sparring will give him confidence,its just a suggestion but when i went to boxing school kids who heard i boxed stayed away,
hope this helps peter.

 

[WDWfan uk]

......... first of all, no need to apologise - we know how you can hurt for your children.

I would suggest not trying to change your gentle giant into someone he isn't - more that he should be comfortable with who he is and know that it is the bullies who are doing wrong, not him.
You are probably doing this already - but he should be encouraged to excel in what he does well - his swimming and academic skills - and to feel proud of those. Why should bad behaviour be allowed to turn your gentle giant into anything other than he is?

I know of boys who are scared to say that they don't like football and pretend they do rather than let their peers know as this sets them in the minority. Children always feel very uncomfortable when they feel they aren't the same as their peers.

Try not to let him become too conscious of your anger on his behalf, nor other children - this in itself will make him feel that he is different and isolated. He needs to know that you are there for him and love and support him, but he also needs to hear lots of positive things from you : that things will get better for him, and to hang in there.
What conversations have you had with the Head or his class teacher about this? You do need to discuss this with them - you will also need to keep your cool so that you can get something positive out of the meetings that you have with them - explain that you are very worried as opposed to telling them that you are very cross.
As to the language, go on any school playground or listen to any group of schoolchildren and you will find it is prevalent everywhere - I dislike it intensely too but I'm afraid it is the norm, not the exception. I remember a teacher taking a very young lad aside who was swearing on the playground and explained that he should not use that language - the boy was surprised and said "......but my Dad says it at home" - 'nuff said.
Great big {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you - you are not alone, many of us have been through this crisis but tell you what , we came out the other end of it with big smiles and happy, confident children.

 

[Hilary]

I can't offer any more words of advice - you've already had some excellent suggestions - I just wanted to add my support.

 

[snookhams]

Thank you so much for your kind words and helpful suggestions - I am glad that I could vent my anger here nad not infront of my son as I am aware that this doen not help him at all, we are all trying to praise him and encourage him at this hard time, and hope that things will improve! when he changes school, I have spoken to both the Headmaster (who was really helpful) and the Deputy Headmistress (who was just down right rude and even told him that the bullying might be worse when he goes up to senior school - I'm afraid I lost it a bit and called her a silly old cow!!! - which went down really well - oops) and on the whole things have improve slightly I have made them aware that I have no intentions of sending him on the schools week away next year - as he would suffer through every minute of it (my friend whose daughter is in the same class and is also badly bullied because of various medical problems spoke to the head today and has also told him that Ashleigh can't go on the week away) we both won't send them, so that the children don't miss out we might take them away ourselves for that week together even if we only go to a holiday camp. I'll keep you posted on how things progress, and once again Thank you for just letting me vent it all.

 

[kazzie]

Hi,

I have just seen this post.I absolutely sympathise with you and you are not alone.

Have you tried going above the head and approaching the governers at school? There will be a policy on 'bullying' and if you think the head isn't supporting you with your concerns about your son perhaps they might back you up. I agree it isn't worth the disruption of moving him now.

When Mattie went to secondary school last year I asked to see his new head of year at the end of the term before (like now) and mentioned the children I didn't want mattie to be in the same class as, and told her why.She was very understanding and did follow this request through.Could you do something like this at your son's prospective secondary school.

The thing with bad language is wether we like it or not it is an integral part of secondary school,even if it is a church school! They might not be just badly bought up kids,ALL kids swear to some extent maybe just to fit in. I always told my teens I'm not interested how you talk when you're with your mates,as long as you speak the way you've been brought up at home thats good enough for me! I have overheard them on occasion and can't believe what I hear but as long as they seperate the things they do to fit in to when they're at home I think thats being realistic.

Mattie has Asperger's Syndrome and also 'doesn't go with the flow'.He too is very big for his age.As he acts a bit younger than his age but looks several years older this causes many disapproving looks from people who don't understand. Unbelievably he was bullied at primary school when if he so wished he could have thrashed every one of the kids pushing him around.When I spoke to him about maybe being more assertive he said,why should I change myself because of them,you can't argue with such words of wisdom.

I assured Mattie things would change at secondary school (secretly hoping this was so) and they did change for the better,also he became more assertive as well.

Mattie refused to go on his school journey at primary school for the same reason,other children will probably miss the trip for other reasons too.

I know how painful this all is,if you ever need to talk just PM me

 

[Astrid]

Hi!

So sorry to hear about your problems with your son, I can sympathise as I too worry about my son who is also in year 5 at present and his move to secondary school next September.

I am a School Governor and would strongly suggest you do what Kazzie said. Go to the School office and ask to see all their relevant policies, these are available for parents to see on request.

There should be at least one related to bullying. Read this, you may not be able to take it home, however, copy out any relevant parts (they are usually pretty long and tedious and often filled with educational terminology, but don't worry, just ask the school, or me, if there are any you don't know). Then, as Kazzie suggests, write to the Chair of Governors (whose address should be freely available, otherwise it will be on your Governors Annual Report) with a copy to the Head Teacher and, you could also send a copy to your LEA.

No need to make the letter nasty or threatening, just state your case and make your points clearly that you are unhappy with the bullying that your son is receiving and would like to meet with someone from the Governors to discuss the situation as you are unhappy with the way it is being dealt with. Mention the School Policy in your letter and take quotes from it if necessary.

I hope that helps. My son also lacks confidence and in some respects sounds very similar to yours. He does not like football, prefers swimming and is keen on art and music. I am lucky in the respect that he has many friends and is not bullied, however, like you, I also worry about his lack of assertiveness. Have you thought about your son joining Cubs/Scouts? Or perhaps there is an activity centre nearby where they have things like abseiling courses. Something like that might give him the opportunity to meet some new friends and may encourage him to come out of himself.

It's difficult isn't it being a parent! Lots of luck from me,

Astrid x