My sister is trying to re-invent herself.

[clh2]

I say my sister for the first time this weekend since last March. She is 42, and is getting divorced from her husband of 16 years, and they have 2 children, 11 and 12 YO.

She sent my sister, parents and me an e-mail in September, announcing that her and her husband were getting a divorce, and she didn't want to talk about it. This announcement wasn't a surprise to any of us, except maybe that it took soooo long for them to decide to get a divorce.

But now, my sister and her soon to be ex, they have bought a condo in their town, and the as parents - they are swapping living spaces, and the kids are staying put.

When my sister is the "parent of the week" she is mom, gets to all the sporting/other events my niece and nephew are in. When she is the "single person" she it seems like she has really reinvented herself to someone I don't exactly recognize. Over the years, she has met many women who were contemplating getting divorced, and really man/husband bashed. Now all these divorced/single people seem to have their own little social club, and they are out all the time.

It just seemed really odd, almost like she doesn't miss her kids when she isn't the "parent of the week."

What was also odd, as we got together yesterday, in the town that my parents moved to, all of us sisters and our families stayed at a hotel near my parents house, my sister spent about 2 hours on the phone with one of her new male friends - helping him to understand all of his "girlfriend issues" while kind of ignoring us. So her and I never really got to talk. So honestly, I couldn't even assess how she is doing.

I know I've rambled - I just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere.

 

[bicker]

It just seemed really odd, almost like she doesn't miss her kids when she isn't the "parent of the week."

If it were me, it would hurt so bad to be away from my children for a week, that I'd suppress my over-the-top feelings about it.

I hope things work out well for your sister and her children.

 

[OhMari]

She was 30 when she had her first child right? Sounds like she really never gave up her partying ways-and just wants to go back to that kind of lifestyle. I don't want to sound rude, but my sil and her husband both got married in their early 30's, had their first child at 35, he was 38. Both of them had a very hard time giving up their lifestyle. At least they both decided not to have any more children. They both are very selfish people.

And, before I get flamed, no you don't have to change your whole lifestyle after you have children-just have some self control.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

It sounds like your sister is living HER life. What is she supposed to do the week she doesn't have her kids - curl up and die? Divorce is what it is. What good would it do to be an emotional wreck when she's away from her kids? So what if she goes out, meets new people and hangs out with a new crowd - she obviously puts all that aside the week she has her children and is a good mom, and that's what matters. That's not selfish. She's 42 years old, and as a new divorcee she's reinventing herself as a single woman, what choice does she have? It sounds like she and the ex are being smart by trying not to shuffle the kids back and forth, and keep them grounded where they are. They're making the most of a bad situation. You should support your sister, and though the social circles she groups herself with may not be what you agree with, they may be just what she needs at a time like this. You should be happy that your sister isn't choosing to let divorce destroy her life - not stand by and judge her.

 

[disykat]

I think it sounds nice that she has found friends in similar situations that she can hang out with during her non custody time. The other option - sitting and being alone - doesn't sound very good. I don't think I'd be concerned unless it was intruding into her custody times or she was doing drugs, excessive drinking, etc. She may well have spent her family time on the phone trying to avoid having family members assess how she was doing.

Her life has totally changed and she probably needs some time to figure out how she needs to change with it.

 

[Tiggeroo]

If you are married for 16 yrs. and is 42yo then she's been married to this man for longer then she was ever a single adult. She is bound to be confused and perhaps go overboard in some direction or other. That's why she'll need her family. She'll need you even if she doesn't act like it. She clearly tried to hang on to the marriage and it still didn't work. Just love her and be there for her when she asks.

 

[canwegosoon]

If she was in jail(I mean marriage)...can you not expect her to act like she has freedom she hasn't had in 16 years. Not all marriages are great...it seems like her's wasn't-you all seemed to know that. Don't worry it will settle down.

 

[SillyMe]

It sounds like your sister is living HER life. What is she supposed to do the week she doesn't have her kids - curl up and die? Divorce is what it is. What good would it do to be an emotional wreck when she's away from her kids? So what if she goes out, meets new people and hangs out with a new crowd - she obviously puts all that aside the week she has her children and is a good mom, and that's what matters. That's not selfish. She's 42 years old, and as a new divorcee she's reinventing herself as a single woman, what choice does she have? It sounds like she and the ex are being smart by trying not to shuffle the kids back and forth, and keep them grounded where they are. They're making the most of a bad situation. You should support your sister, and though the social circles she groups herself with may not be what you agree with, they may be just what she needs at a time like this. You should be happy that your sister isn't choosing to let divorce destroy her life - not stand by and judge her.

I agree.

 

[Pop Daddy]

is she sexy

 

[clh2]

As usual - all of my DIS friends really have some good thoughts about what is going on - I really appreciate that.

OhMari - while your comment makes sense - my sister didn't party at all in her 20's.

I guess what concerns me most - is she really has shut out my parents, my sister and me, and it seems like we have "been replaced" by all her new friends.

 

[Beth76]

I agree with ChrisnSteph. I think you're sister sounds like she's handling this VERY well. They're letting the kids stay in their house while she and her ex switch by week? Am I understanding that correctly? That sounds pretty unselfish to me. And so what if she has a new "social club" of divorced women. GOOD FOR THEM!!!!! They need the support from people who understand--not judgemental relatives. If they want to go out club hopping, yay for them!! You can go to clubs and still be a responsible adult/parent. She's got to have something to do when her children aren't around. There's no sense in staying home wallowing in misery--especially if it isn't really her home. Now if she's coming home drunk and coked up from these girls' nights and shirking her parental duties, come back and talk to me. I'll lend a sympathetic ear.

 

[yourtravelpro]

As usual - all of my DIS friends really have some good thoughts about what is going on - I really appreciate that.

OhMari - while your comment makes sense - my sister didn't party at all in her 20's.

I guess what concerns me most - is she really has shut out my parents, my sister and me, and it seems like we have "been replaced" by all her new friends.

Could it be that you all pass judgement on her and her friends don't?