My SIL is pregnant - again.

[tkyes]

Before I go in to details, I will say yes, I'm a horrible person, I'm well aware of this.


My 21 year old SIL (not the one getting married, this one is already married) just told my husband she is pregnant with her 3rd child. They have been trying for awhile and she is very excited.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm excited for her, but part of me isn't sure if she can handle this. I would NEVER be anything but supportive for her, this is just something I am keeping to myself. She has a hard time handling the 2 she already has. Everything with the kids is a chore. She drops them off at Grandma's house so she can run to the store, she is constantly asking people to watch them and as soon as she walks in the door of Grandma's house, she stops becoming a mother. It's "mom, can you change the babies diaper" or she'll leave the house to go smoke and doesn't ask anyone to keep an eye on her children.

Also, part of me is jealous that she is pregnant.

sigh

I feel so horrible that I feel this way - again, I will love my niece/nephew unconditionally and will be supportive of my SIL, I'm just slightly sad about the whole thing.

thank you for letting me talk.

tamie

 

[Piglet]

Hugs for you tkyes - I know exactly how you feel. My DD has a genetic disease so more than likely we won't be having anymore children and when I see people with kids that can't handle the ones they got and keep having more, I get really down.

You are great for being so supportive to them. It is a hard thing to do.

Melinda

 

[snoopy]

It does seem almost unfair when people who are really not equipped to have a child get pregnant at the drop of a hat, when there are so many people out there with so much love to give who have difficulties conceiving or carrying a pregnancy to term.

I hope everything turns out o.k. for your SIL, tykes, and I also hope everything turns out o.k. for you too.

 

[debster812]

Oh Tamie--I'm sorry. I can kind of feel what you are going through.

You are NOT a horrible person. Repeat after me, I am NOT a horrible person. Of course you will love your neice or nephew, it does not mean you cannot be concerned.

21 is young, and especially young for 3 kids. Man, I have one, and he wears me out!!!!

I'm PMing you shortly, so keep an eye out.

 

[alexandmaddie]

Tamie: You are most certainly not a horrible person, in fact you are one of the sweetest and kindest people on these boards. I don't post much but I lurk quite often and I can see what a caring and thoughtful person you are in your posts!! Please don't beat yourself up!!!!

I don't know your exact situation, but I know all to well some of the feelings you are experiencing. I remember my 18 year old cousin getting pregnant out of the blue and we had been trying for 2 1/2 years to have a baby. It seemed so unfair. My mom told me about the pregnancy while I was at work and I had to run to the bathroom where I cried and cried.

Your SIL will need all the support she can get. I recently had my 3rd child and I am 34. It is very hard work and I cannot imagine being 21 in the same position!!

Take care of yourself, Tamie!!

From a fellow Minnesotan!! Krista

 

[browneyes]

How old are her other 2 kids?

 

[4greatboys]

You are not a horrible person at all. It is very frustrating when people that cannot handle the children they have continue to have more. Hopefully things will work out he best for everyone.

 

[Keli]

Tamie, You aren't a horrible person for thinking negative thoughts. You would have to act on those thoughts to be a horrible person and there is a biiiiiiiggggg difference.
I have to wonder about a 21 yr. old that is getting ready to have her third child too. At 21 I know for sure that I lacked the coping skills to handle what must be two very young children and a newborn.

 

[tkyes]

You guys are so sweet.

I still feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Jealousy is not something I handle well - I doubt any of us do actually.

Her family does support her - sometimes too much I think. No one forces her to do things for herself.

Her other 2 kids are 3 and 2 years old.

She says she wants all her kids right away in a row, so she can get them all done.


tamie

 

[laceemouse]

I am new here so I don't know anything about your situation but I do know how you feel. We tried for a year and a half to get pregnant the first time. During this time one of my friends from work got pregnant on the first date! It is hard not to have negative thoughts. You are going through normal emotions. I will pray for you.

 

[scarlett873]

tamie...you are hardly a horribly person! i know how you feel...when i had first started dating my now ex-hubby, his sister was 16 and 8 months pregnant. i was just 19 myself! and then i found out that she had been TRYING to get pregnant at age 14!!! i was 19 and no where's near ready for kids...then my first wedding rolled around...and she announces baby number 2...so here she was, barely 18 and had 2 kids. she and her husband were done having kids at that point...so he goes and has a vasectomy...low and behold...she ends up pregnant again!! she didn't think that she could be pregnant and didn't know it until she was 5 months along! so she'd had 3 kids by the time she was 22...by the time the third one had rolled around, i was ready to try for our first...i was very jealous...well, here it is, 2003...and i have a new husband and no children...yet. i'll be 30 this august...

and my current sister in law...has 5 kids, 5 different fathers...and can't take care of any of them. it just breaks my heart...

you aren't a horrible person for thinking those things...i'm thinking them right along with you...

 

[dianeschlicht]

Not a horrible person at all, Tamie! I have to wonder about a 21 y/o with 3 children and smoking etc. I am not sure she really understands the responsibilities she has.

 

[crazymomof4]

Because I feel the same way about people who chose to bring children into the world and then make a habit of pawning them off on whoever will take them. Children are a lot of responsibility and if one is not fully prepared for that then they should use birth control religiously. I think your concern is with the children, and rightfully so. They are young but soon, if not already, they will begin to percieve that their mom thinks of them as a chore. Very sad. Children should feel cherished, especially by their parents. Since your SIL is not likely to change, the best thing you can do for the kids is give them your love and attention. Be carefull to spend time with them on YOUR TERMS though-- don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of (you know- free babysitting)

Just a side bar- I believe that many young women are drawn to the idea of having a baby because of the vast merchandising of baby paraphenalia. When I had my first, 13 years ago, what was available was the basics. Now you have diaper genies (a real genie would actually change the diaper for you!), and 100 different kinds of swings and bouncers and carseat-stroller combos, etc., etc. Not to mention all the oh-so-trendy maternity wear (no more smocks w/ big bowties in the front) and super adorable baby clothes and toys. The showers (which are now given for each and every pregnancy) are like a baby-expo! Gosh, all this talk is making even me want to ge pregnant......just kidding! Seriously, some women think they will be having a doll to dress up and take out and show off all this neat stuff that came with the baby. When reality hits the first thing they look for is for someone to do all the dirtywork that comes with that baby.

 

[lil mermaid]

You are NOT a horrible person. I think that your feelings are understandable. I also think you are a GOOD person, for using this board to vent instead of expressing your negative feelings to HER. I am sure that she will need the support that you plan to give her.

Sometimes when I see someone with a large family, with say four or five kids, I think "how come they have so many and I can't even seem to have ONE? It's unfair." Then I immediately feel guilty and bad for thinking that way. (So, if you are a horrible person, so am I, lol.) Jealousy IS a very difficult emotion, and you are right, it is pretty hard to handle.

Take care of yourself!

 

[Serena]

You aren't horrible at all. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[helenabear]

I don't think I have anything else to add Tamie... only that you are not a bad person for that {{hugs}}

 

[goofiesgirlies]

Tamie,

You most certainly are NORMAL (not horrible!)

I've walked in shoes similar to yours (so it sounds although I haven't heard your whole story. It is extremely hard to sit by and watch others have babies without a hitch while you struggle. It took us 3+ years to get pg. I know all about crying when people announce they are pg or make comments like "WHEN ARE YOU HAVING KIDS?" Like we had never thought about it. Misery big time.

But just know that when you have your baby (and you will), you will LOVE and CHERISH every moment with that baby. You aren't just having a baby to 'get that done' and your child will grow up in a stable, happy home. You will be more than ready to share all the love you have stored away during these hard times.

Never give up!

--Judy

 

[katerkat]

Originally posted by crazymomof4
Just a side bar- I believe that many young women are drawn to the idea of having a baby because of the vast merchandising of baby paraphenalia. {SNIP} super adorable baby clothes and toys.

No kidding! My friend is having her first, and I just bought some clothes. This stuff is too cute! I got a bib/dress thing with Tinkerbell on it -- it wraps around the entire baby. So adorable. I bought it home and showed DH and told him I wanted a baby just to buy these clothes. He told me I had two cats that I can dress up if I want.

Tamie, I don't think you're horrible. I have a friend who is struggling to become PG and then the friend who did it in the first month of trying. I think it would be even worse if you know the mom isn't taking care of the kids particularly well...

 

[Cinderellafifi]

Another vote for "not horrible"! It doesn't sound like she needs to have that 3rd child right now. She passes off the work of two, and it is hard work, but 3 will probably blow her away.

By not expressing any of this to her simply proves how not horrible you are! And I think another poster put it well, it just doesn't seem fair when some people try so hard for a baby and others have to struggle. In those instances, it is normal to feel jealous.

Let up on yourself about this. Take care!

 

[skuttle]

As I told you earlier...and apparently the rest of the DIS agrees....you are not horrible! What you are feeling is natural.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}