My mother will be the death of me

[Queenie]

I was on the phone to my mum last night and almost ended up in tears. We were having an entirely hypothetical conversation about my wedding (I don't even have a boyfriend right now) and it's basically come out that she hates all my decisions and is going to kick up a huge fuss whenever the day comes.

1. She wants to wear a t-shirt, gypsy skirt and FLIP-FLOPS to the ceremony!
2. She can't understand why I don't want her dog there
3. Walking down the isle to "Here Comes the Bride" is boring, I should walk down to something by Pink Floyd (I don't like Pink Floyd)
4. The guys shouldn't wear smart suits, it's too formal
5. My first dance should be to The Smiths or Depeche Mode
6. Wedding Dresses are too expensive, I should just get something from TK Maxx
7. There should be no Billy Joel (one of my favourite artists) played during the reception as it's too "weddingy and boring", I should play nothing but Steps and YMCA
8. If the wedding isn't in a church (it won't be) then it can't be traditional so we don't need to keep to tradition at any point
9. She won't mingle with the groom's family at the reception cos she thinks she shouldn't have to
10. If it rains during the photos and everyone has to hold umbrellas it would make the photos more interesting
11. I should have a hippy wedding in the centre of Stonehenge
12. The whole do shouldn't cost more than a few hundred pounds, we don't need a formal sit down dinner as it will be dull and we can buy buffet food from ASDA
13. There's no need for a cake, they don't taste nice anyway
14. The most she will put towards the big day is about £100

She carried on but I tuned her out. If her suggestions are your idea of perfection then no offence meant. However this is MY big day and I will be making the day perfect and exactly how I want it to be, not her, I just know she's going to try and ruin it. She thinks jeans and a leather jacket is appropraite attire for the groom during the ceremony!!!!! It's stupid that I'm this wound up about something that's a total fantasy right now but it upsets me that she doesn't care at all about how I want it to be. I honestly get the feeling that if I ban jeans and t-shirts from the event, she'll turn up in them anyway. Part of me wants to not invite her but she's my mum so I have to. It's sad that my own mother is making me dread my wedding day. I now remember why I left home at 16!!!!!

 

[ely3857]

Oh Queenie

But you are right, sounds like my idea of a nice wedding!

But I do sympathise with the mother/daughter disagreement on the issue. My mum gave me a huge shock when she slated my decision to have a quickie ceromony while on holiday. I always thought she would just go along with whatever I decided, it never occoured to me she would find fault with something that made me happy but there you go.



Jodie

 

[wilma-bride]

I can't believe you and your Mum managed to fight over your wedding when you haven't got a BF. I thought me and my Mum were bad

Mind you, when I got married the first time, my Mum did tell anyone who'd listen that she wasn't allowed to be involved in the planning because she wasn't paying for it (not true at all!)

 

[jen_uk]

I think this is one of those times when you have the perfect reason to get married abroad! Think, you and your partner at the Disney World Pavillion, just the two of you, no interference, perfect!

 

[Scottish_Maleficent]

5. My first dance should be to The Smiths or Depeche Mode

I can just see it......waltzing to 'Heaven knows I'm miserable now'......

Queenie it's not pleasant when you fall out with your mum...I still do it at 34!!....but are you sure your mum was being serious??

 

[Queenie]

Unfortunately yes, I know she was being totally serious. She really does think all this is appropriate. Her wedding was planned and executed within about 2 months as she found herself pregnant with my sister and rushed a quickie wedding through (1971.) As a result she doesn't understand that I would want a big wedding taking a year or two to plan.

My first dance is likely to be a song from the Jekyll and Hyde musical, a song called "This Is The Moment", lyrics are here:
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/jekyllandhyde/thisisthemoment.htm

I know someone who tours a show around the UK singing songs from musicals and this is one he does brilliantly so I want to use that. My mum's gonna hate it!

 

[diberry]

Queenie - I know it's easier said than done but - it's going to be YOUR wedding day and you can do whatever you want (presuming the groom agrees!!!!!). Believe me, I do know EXACTLY how you feel and now my mum's dead I wish so many times that I'd stood up to her.
Maybe she 's jealous , maybe she regrets having to get married in a rush, maybe she's trying to be young and "with it" - it doesn't matter - do what YOU want to do so that you can always look back on it with pleasure and not with resentment!! Go for it!!! It might not hurt to let her know you'll follow your own wishes whatever she says - be pleasant but don't budge an inch!!! Good luck!!

 

[jen_uk]

By any chance are talking about Peter Karrie?

 

[alisonbestford]

Hey, your Mum's isn't exactly my 'ideal wedding' but DH did wear his dracula fangs when we married 8 years ago and we had a wonderful, mismatched, assorted type of wedding

Our family ( my parents and mother in law) were dreadfully conventional
and my kids (13yrs and 10 at the time) went with the flow

Our whole wedding cost us very little as we did things our way and 'roped' all our friends in.

I guess the point is that this is your wedding and you need to do whatever makes you happy.

Try not to let your mother ruin your day (hypothetical or not )

LOL, your post reminded me of why I left home at 18 and, maybe why it was wedding number 2 that I stood my ground on .....

I've not even mentioned our plans to re-new our wedding vows, next year, to my parents, as I don't want to hear the potential problems - my MIL has already said it's not a good idea as we should think about money.........

Oh, and I'm 43 and I fall out with my mum frequently! Mum, on the other hand, is 71 and falls out with hers (98) even more........

DD (almost 7) is in charge of our vow re-newal - Florida, a pretty venue, mum and dad who love each other, a character meal somewhere and a stretch limo with all the trimmings
That'll do me

 

[Tron[ADS]]

Oh dear....I kinda was chuckling to myself reading the initial post, thinking you were joking.....until I read the later post about you being serious !!!

I'm left kinda speechless now !

 

[Tink78]

Definately sounds like she is jealous.
She is thinking that because she didn't have a big elaborate wedding, why should you?

You have to have the Wedding of YOUR dreams and if she objects that much then tell her that she doesn't have to come.
I know that's sad but she will soon realise that she is risking missing your big day.

Another note - although a Wedding is a wonderful, amazing day, that's all it is - just a day, so it really isn't worth stressing about, esp. when you are not even getting married yet.

Chill out about it, and worry about it planning it when it's time.

I'm sure she will come round in time.

 

[carolfoy]

Oh Queenie you really have got the wedding blues, probably after your bitter experience at the weekend, Only one word of advice when you find your perfect man - ELOPE!!!
My wedding was supposed to be the dream day, after the church we turned up at the hotel to find it had gone bankrupt the night before!!!
My brother made 2 phone calls and within minutes we had electricity generators and a host of friends (who hadn't been invited due to the expense) walking in to cook and serve the food and wine, a friend of a friend turned up the disco and everyone did a pay as you go bar, it was a really special day it was so nice that I had REAL contributions from friends and family.
wouldn't recommend it tho - it was a wee bit stressful!

 

[KayleeUK]

That is why it is YOUR wedding and not hers.

You could always have a WDW wedding like we did

 

[Clare D]

Oh Queenie. I did laugh when I read your post as I thought it was a joke. I wouldn't get too upset over something that isn't going to happen just yet. When the time comes you may not even want your mum there to ruin it all for you and your husband to be. If she wants to try and force you to do something that you don't want to do on your day would you really want her there?

 

[wils]

Mothers - who'd have them eh?

Try not to let her upset you (Easier said than done I know) and when the time comes as others have said let her like it or lump it as it will be your day.

My mother didn't approve of many of my Wedding plans (not least the groom!) but she was on her best behaviour on the day.

I had my best days Wedding dress shopping with my best mate, her Mum & sister. What was even nicer was that was my mates Mum brought her friend along who has 3 boys and so doubts she will ever get to go again!

Maybe your Groom-to-be's Mum will be interested and sensitive (Choose your bloke with this in mind!)

Anyway try not to let this get you down.

Jo

 

[Queenie]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. There is someone in mind but the prospects of a proposal are so distant as to be non existant, however I'm not telling my mother about this as by the end of the day I'd be fending off calls from distant relatives congratulating me on my engagement!!! Luckily if he does turn out to be "the One", his mother is absolutely wonderful, as is his sister, both of whom I would trust implicitly to help me create my dream wedding. His father is a wonderful man too who I know would happily drive me to the venue (he has a gorgeous Jag), walk me down the isle and do the father/daughter dance if I asked (my father passed away a long long time ago.) If I was picking husbands based on their family, this guy would be number one!!!

I did think about a WDW wedding but seeing as for the next 5 years minimum my friends are going to be poor students/recent graduates there's no way I could get the people I wanted out there and it would make me unhappy not to have them there. It's a shame as I'd love to pull up in that Cinderella coach!

I've also "jokingly" told mum that if she's not happy with the wedding arrangements, she doesn't have to be there. I think if the day arrives and it's obvious she (or my sister who has the same thoughts) is likely to cause trouble, I'll just tell my "men in suits" that they have my permission to throw any trouble causers out, including family! That way I'll know it's taken care of and I can get on with having a good time.