My In-Laws are driving me mad!

[Laurafoster]

My Inlaws are really driving me mad at the moment!

I honestly thought that when Megan was born they would be constantly popping over to see her as she is their first grandchild. Even when i was in hospital they only visited for 30 minutes (i was in for 3 days) and even when they were there they moaned they were missing someting on TV! They didnt get any flowers, balloon or anything - not even a present for Megan!

Megan is now 15 weeks old and they have not been to visit us once! We always have to go visit them.

We used to take Megan round every week, but now we go every 2 weeks thinking that would encourage them to come to us every other week?! When we do go round they just want to take pictures of them holding her so they can (in their own words) "show off that we are grandparents". We phoned them when she first smiled, first rolled over etc - not interested. "Isn't she crawling yet" was the response i got!

The final straw was this weekend, we went round theirs for BBQ on Sat and as DH was driving for a change i had a glass of white wine. That set MIL off - im an irresponsible parent and an unfit mother for drinking when i have a child.

I have to bite my tongue as i know they are DH's parents and i really dont want to cause a row, but i was so close to throwing that glass of wine in her face! Then i thought it would be a waste of wine!

Sorry for the rant but better on here than saying anything to them! I cant even moan of facebook as MIL is on there

 

[Chilly]

Sending you a big hug. I wouldn't bother going round there if I were you.

 

[mumloveseeyore]

you know you are doing a great job, they will end up missing out if they dont make more effort, my inlaws havent seen my son since he was tiny and have never seen my daughter. They are missing out on the love and details of their daily lives. COUNT TO 10 and have a glass of wine, shame to waste it!

 

[Pinky166]

You poor thing. I think if it was me, I would stop going around there & let them come to you if they can be bothered.

Well done though, I don't think I would have been so restrained with the wine.

 

[PoppyAnna]

Oh Laura I completely understand it can be the most hurtful thing.
Sadly, I think many grandparents don't like the small baby stage and only become interested in their grandchildren when they get more out of them
Although not the exact same situation we've been through similar experiences with DH's parents, their eldest son (the fave ) had a grandson five months before us, ever since our eldest daughter is constantly compared to him, they (mainly DH's Dad but he is very controlling over her) showed nowhere near the same interest in DD as he did in his grandson, I remember when she was a few months old he made comments how she wasn't doing this yet or that yet, unlike the grandson. I put my foot down and said I was happy with my daughter and her development just as it was. They would cancel previously arranged visits here to see her as the others called them and asked to come over (obviously with their more interesting grandchild ).

Still to this day he relates more to his two grandsons than he does to our daughters, we hear all these wonderful stories about bike rides that they go on together. However, when we visit them we can hardly get him off the sofa. They never call us to invite us over, for the sake of the girls we invite ourselves or invite them here when we haven't heard from them for some time. They have lied on quite a few occasions about how much they see the grandsons which indicates to me that there must be a twinge of guilt, and as for help with the girls over the years - forget it! They have never collected the girls from sch or pre-school and taken them for tea, or the park, never had a sleepover (grandsons do) etc etc. It's not that I want help I just want my children to feel wanted by their grandparents. The other couple barely work and she has a sister with no children and a Mother with no husband so they go to both for lots of sleepovers too! They know I have no help from family but still never offer or simply invite us for Sunday lunch, for instance.

DH now feels that we've unintentionally made the situation worse over the years as we've just got on with it and probably now give off the impression that we don't need help. Some couples almost force grandparents into doing their bit. It's all very tricky to know what to do.
I just want my girls to see their grandparents and have fun with them and have wonderful memories to look back on, like I do when I think of my grandparents.

 

[mandymouse]

Oh Laura, you have my sympathies hun. My in-laws have never been interested in our girls. They've never offered to babysit and rarely buy them anything (and this goes back to when they were babies). Sadly one day you'll realise that you don't include them in your lives, and you just have to think 'well it's their loss'. We rarely see them, yet they only live 20 minutes down the road. All I can say is just focus on your little family and don't let the in-laws stress you, and I wouldn't bother going to see them till they've been round to you first

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've learnt from experience, and in the early days the situation used to infuriate me too, but now I really don't let it bother me .. like I said, it's their loss

 

[PJB71]

Oh Laura, rant as much as you like as that old saying goes "you cant choose your family"

If I were you I just wouldnt put myself through anymore stress and just wouldnt bother going anymore, they know were you live, and at the end of the day it will be there loss not yours

I think id of walloped anyone that said that to me though if I was having a glass of wine, so pat yourself of the back for that one

 

[natalielongstaff]

im with mandy (and others) its their loss hun

 

[katiec]

im with mandy (and others) its their loss hun

Me too.

My (now thankfully ex) in-laws never took any interest in my son - my DH adaopted him when we got married (DS was 4).
They would give their "natural" grandson ice-cream instead of dinner, in front of my DS, saying that my DS didnt need ice-cream!! They wouldnt take DS to his French classes which were 2 minute drive of 15 minute walk away as they sad "he wasnt learning anything".

Since the ex and I separated they have had absolutely nothing to do with DS - no Xmas presents, nothng for his 18th or 21st.

I really agree with Mandy when she says "its their loss" - it REALLY REALLY is.
As long as you have your famly and you are all happy - then leave them to their own lives while you get on with yours without worrying about them. They wont give two hoots about your worrying so no point in doing so.

Good luck
x x x x

 

[joolz1910]

I have the opposite problem - my in-laws are great with the kids but my mum doesn't really bother. I wouldn't cut anyone out completely but just visit when it suits you, and never out of 'duty'. They might come around more as Megan gets older but if they don't, well it's their loss as others have said.

 

[ely3857]

That sucks. They'll soon change their tune once Megan is of an age where she only gives the smiles and cuddles out to people she recognises. Alba is almost 10 months and has recently been selective with her charm so all too soon Megan will be aswell and they'll wonder what they did wrong. Their loss. xx

 

[Laurafoster]

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've learnt from experience, and in the early days the situation used to infuriate me too, but now I really don't let it bother me .. like I said, it's their loss

Doesnt sound Harsh at all Mandy!

Thanks for the advice everyone, im going to do as you all say and let them make the next move. Im not going to go round or even phone them.

I have got the last laugh though, i have just seen an email from them saying they have booked a late holiday to spain for 2 weeks. Despite us telling them our holiday dates time and time again they land on the same morning that we fly out to WDW for 3 weeks

 

[Cyrano]

Oh Laura, you have my sympathies hun. My in-laws have never been interested in our girls. They've never offered to babysit and rarely buy them anything (and this goes back to when they were babies). Sadly one day you'll realise that you don't include them in your lives, and you just have to think 'well it's their loss'. We rarely see them, yet they only live 20 minutes down the road. All I can say is just focus on your little family and don't let the in-laws stress you, and I wouldn't bother going to see them till they've been round to you first

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I've learnt from experience, and in the early days the situation used to infuriate me too, but now I really don't let it bother me .. like I said, it's their loss

Best advice and something I concur with.

I am lucky MIL/FIL are absolutely brilliant with our lot and put up with me
My family on the otherhand

 

[BethEJo]

As many have said, their loss. Stay strong

 

[jamjar84]

I can totally and utterly relate to this post. My oldest daughter is a year and a half and my MIL has seen her three times!! Once was at a wedding, so it doesn't really count as her making the effort! My youngest daughter is three months, and she's seen her once, she walked into my house and said 'this is the new one then' after months of no contact. I promptly took my children upstairs for the duration of her visit (which was short as she only ended up upsetting my husband and she walked out) It really really upsets me as my parents worship my girls. My mum phones my oldest daughter every day, and hapilly listens to her babble away for ages, my oldest girl has such a close bond with my mum and loves 'gra' (granny) probably more than me and hubby! I know my parents would do anything for my girls and it hurts so much that my MIL is so uncaring.

My FIL is better (they are divorced) and sees the girls most weeks, MIL makes a point of showering my nephew with gifts, but bought my daughter a stupid toy for xmas (we got it in February after M's birthday had passed, for which she got nothing) and the price tag of £1 was left on. I am sure MIL does these things to annoy me. The last straw is her going on about her 'lovely grandchildren' on facebook and stealing my pictures for her profile!!!!

It was getting me so angry that I've deleted her from fb, and it's really lessened my stress. As the others have said, the best way to look at it is, that it's their loss. I know that is a really hard thing to get into your head, but really my girls are missing nothing by not having that waste of space in their lives, they know who loves them.

Try not to let it get to you.

 

[Queenie]

I can't relate with the in-laws I'm glad to say but I can give some input from the child's point of view. I grew up with just one grandparent, the other three had all died before I was born. He barely showed any interest in me, despite living a five minute walk away. I will confess he always showed up at my birthdays and Christmas but the presents he got me (and my mum and sister) were nearly always years out of date, my mum used to drill it into me before he arrived to always be nice regardless of whatever wierd thing I unwrapped.

I will say honestly that it never hurt my feelings or made me feel like he didn't care, I just accepted it that it was the way grandad was. I had other family members who more than made up for the lack of attention from that side. My dad's brother never saw me at all as I grew up, I didn't even pick up on that until my late teens when I realised what a nasty piece of work he was.

Try not to worry about it too much although I know how stressful it can be having issues with in-laws! I never felt like it was me being rejected, kids just tend to accept things without questioning and by the time they're old enough to figure out that a family member is doing things as mentioned above, their old enough to make their own choices about whether they want to be bothered back.

 

[Muscateer]

Oh I hear ya Laura. I wouldn't make anymore effort going round to visit them, they are missing out on their lovely grand-daughter and making memories. Well done on you for not wasting your wine.

I posted something on here a couple weeks ago about my family as like you I couldn't vent on facebook as the family members that were annoying me are on FB too.

When my daughter was 5 she went through major heart surgery and MIL (now ex thankfully) never came to visit her in the hospital and sent her in a packet of mint polos. DD didn't even like polos. My parents died before my daughter was born so she has missed out on the whole loving grandparents thing.