My DS Is Grieving

[dairyou]

My DS who is a freshman in college lost his best friend on Tuesday. He was home and was able to sit with his friend until he passed away. His friend had battled with Leukemia last year, was okay and within a month of it re-occuring passed away.

Today he went to the friend's house to watch football with other friends which is what they would had done if the friend was still alive. He missed his ride back to college so I just came back from dropping him off. He'll come back on Saturday for the memorial and will go up and share a memory.

I just got off FB with him and he feels lost. All his support is up here, be it us or his friends. He is lonely and doesn't know what to do. Also, finals are starting soon. He just doesn't want to be there.

Can someone tell me what I can do to help him?

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Sending prayers your way for your son & his friends family.

 

[badblackpug]

Stay in touch. Have him contact (or you contact) student health. They have counseling services.

 

[Handbag Lady]

My DS who is a freshman in college lost his best friend on Tuesday. He was home and was able to sit with his friend until he passed away. His friend had battled with Leukemia last year, was okay and within a month of it re-occuring passed away.

Today he went to the friend's house to watch football with other friends which is what they would had done if the friend was still alive. He missed his ride back to college so I just came back from dropping him off. He'll come back on Saturday for the memorial and will go up and share a memory.

I just got off FB with him and he feels lost. All his support is up here, be it us or his friends. He is lonely and doesn't know what to do. Also, finals are starting soon. He just doesn't want to be there.

Can someone tell me what I can do to help him?

Tell him it is okay to blow off this semester and come home. He can make arrangements with the college to either do add/drops and just be behind a semester. Life is more important than school.

If there is a reason why this can't be done (messes with a scholarship for example) let your son know that his grief is real and it is okay to feel it. I'd also send your son to find a college staff member who can help him get counseling. What he is feeling is very normal.

 

[dairyou]

Thanks everyone. I don't think he would skip this semester. I just know how he is. I did send him a message about counseling at the college. Hopefully he will look into it. I'll ask him about it when I call him tomorrow.

Life is rough.

 

[honugirl]

The counseling at school surprisingly can be pretty good. I had some heavy stuff going on this quarter and they've really helped me. In my opinion, it's better to push through to the finals since there's only like a week or so left. Plus it will give him something else to focus on rather than the grief (it really helps, I swear!).

I also have a prof that I really trust and has become like a mentor. That prof has been like a godsend to me this quarter, they've been another person I can open up to if I can't get into my counselor.

Also being open with all his profs about what's going on can help. I'm very open with mine about all my medical issues and stuff and they are very accommodating. I assume they would be in this case too. My best prof bends over backwards for students. If I'm ill or need to skip class, I can set up office hours and go over what I missed. They can't help if they don't know! But I go to a small community college, so it may be different if it's a huge university.

Good luck. It's never easy to lose a friend young.

 

[monarchsfan16]

Just keep the lines of communication open, and remind him to take care of himself. Now's the time for him to let the profs know what's going on, and to lean on friends. I lost a friend I'd known since birth my sophomore year of college, 3 1/2 years ago. It was hell. There's no real way to sugarcoat it. I remember that feeling of being "lost" very well. Everything is normal on campus, but life doesn't feel normal. It's hard. Many to him

 

[bballmom56]

DS is in his senior year at college and lost 2 friends this semester about 7 weeks apart. Both in motorcycle accidents and the 2 that were lost were best friends. We come from a small town where they were part of an eighth grade graduating class of 42. DS came back for both wakes (he is only an hour and a half away). His roommates were supportive and he had an assignment for one of his classes where he was able to incorporate the events into his essay. Sometimes putting your thoughts and feelings in writing can be very cathartic.

As the wife of a professor, definitely tell him to let his professors know what is going on. They can't help if they don't know. And he should definitely contact their counseling services.

My heart goes out to him and the friends and family.

 

[shortbun]

Man, I think I'd go get him. This is a huge loss. Has he lost any close relatives or anyone before? Do you work outside your house? If not, maybe you can go spend some time with him, get a room and just be there. He's young and as a freshman, has no good friends. Definitely call and arrange some counseling for him-today and make sure he goes.

 

[MsDisney23]

Sending many Prayers'. Maybe send your son a nice care package. It is a difficult time.

 

[Rora]

No advice but just be there to listen if he wants to talk.

How terrible. Saying prayers for your family, your son, and the boy's family.

EDIT: I'm sure this isn't a popular idea but encourage him to take his finals if he think he will do well (if he's not going to do well, then don't bother and let him come home early) and then tell him he's more than welcome to take the next semester off or transfer schools.

I had a really really rough year my first year in college. It was terrible. I took the next semester off and rejuvinated a bit. I transfered to my local school and lived happily at home. It made a world of difference in my life. Clearly my situation isn't the same as your son's but he might need the extra time or a change of pace.

EDIT again: for the time being, tell him to go to the counselor on campus. It really helped me. He might now want to go, but it's worth suggesting.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

It's horrible to lose someone so close. My heart goes out to him! The best thing you can do is to reassure him the whole thing sucks and be a willing ear and shoulder for him. Maybe a night out with his buddies to rehash all the fun times may be in order?

It's okay for him to grieve, but remind him to be thankful that his friend is no longer hurting. He is with him forever in his heart, as long as he keeps his memory alive. Maybe he can turn this into a positive for everyone his friend's spirit touched... maybe walk annually in Relay for Life or find other charity groups that he can donate his time to, in honor of his friend. He can live on in spirit, if not physically.

 

[golfgal]

Stay in touch. Have him contact (or you contact) student health. They have counseling services.

I was going to suggest that as well.

Also, do you know who is academic adviser is? If so, can you call that person, let him know what happened and see if they can work something out so he can take his finals early and stay home after the memorial service? This is really something only time will heal but having mom around helps too.

 

[MinnieTink]

Dairyou, I'm so sorry. As far as advice about the semester, I think he needs you or a counselor to help him figure out what to do. As far as feeling lost, please tell him he is not alone. This happened to me too. My best friend had lymphoma and when it recurred, she was gone like "that.". It was awful. We were 21 when she died. It has been 17 years (it was on Nov 10). Please give your son a hug. And let him grieve as long as it takes. And let him know that as he gets older he will realize that not everyone is blessed to have a friend as special as his best friend was. Some people never find a best friend, some lucky ones can hold them for a lifetime, and some, like your son and I, are blessed enough, if only for a moment, to have certain beautiful souls leave their marks on our hearts. I hope your son will be able to come out of the darkness of grief as soon as it is possible, and I hope years from now he will be blessed with all the beauty life has to offer. Bless your family.....

 

[Erin1700]

How far away is he? Can you take a day or 2 off and go stay at a hotel close by?

 

[Kathi OD]

for your DS and also for you.

While it's hard to lose a good friend, it's also hard to watch your children deal with their loss.

 

[MELSMICE]

I think keeping the communication lines open & letting him know you are there for him, even if means a phone call in the middle of the night or a ride out to see him if he just needs a hug & to talk with his mom.

 

[krcit]

I'm so sorry for your son's loss. I have a friend fighting leukemia right now...it's an evil disease.

 

[RitaZ.]

My DS who is a freshman in college lost his best friend on Tuesday. He was home and was able to sit with his friend until he passed away. His friend had battled with Leukemia last year, was okay and within a month of it re-occuring passed away.

Today he went to the friend's house to watch football with other friends which is what they would had done if the friend was still alive. He missed his ride back to college so I just came back from dropping him off. He'll come back on Saturday for the memorial and will go up and share a memory.

I just got off FB with him and he feels lost. All his support is up here, be it us or his friends. He is lonely and doesn't know what to do. Also, finals are starting soon. He just doesn't want to be there.

Can someone tell me what I can do to help him?

First of all, my condolences on his friend's death.

I'm sure that his college/university offers free counseling services. Tell him to contact their office today and set up an appointment ASAP. If he is too upset to do it, then you call for him. He is fortunate to have his family as his support system. He needs someone that he can talk to at school.

 

[TLuvsD]

Contact the Resident Advisor in his dorm. Let them know what's happened, so they can be avaliable to your son. Make sure he contacts the professors, too.

Thoughts and prayers to your DS, your family and the family of the friend.