My Dh Is Po'ed!!

[bellarella]

But what on earth is wrong with the OP talking to her son about his biological dad regardless if he hasn't been around for 6 years? Should she just pretend like he didn't exist? That's wrong IMO.

There is a way to acknowledge that he exists, and even that he cares for him without fostering "memories" or building him up to where the child cries out at night for him.

I have friends who have adopted children and friends who have had a biological parent drop out of their child's life very young. *None* of their children "remember" their biological parents, not by age 8. They all know of them and think well of them (no ill feelings), but none of them "miss" that absent biological parent(s). I am speaking here of children who were separated from their biological parent(s) at age 3 or younger. For the ones where it is a matter of the biological father having left, it would be possible to reintroduce that person if the need arose, but there is no hope or feeling of lack on the child's part (my friends in this situation are all remarried). I wouldn't be surprised if the children don't have fantasies of a long lost dad waltzing back into their lives, especially if they are serving time out at the moment, in the same way that children are with both their biological parents probably wish that a fictional TV mom or dad could come "save" them from their regular lives.

Having a child fostering "memories" of a biological parent and crying for them when they haven't seen them since age 2 and are now 8, is very much indicative to me that the situation has not been handled right.

 

[summerrluvv]

Having a child fostering "memories" of a biological parent and crying for them when they haven't seen them since age 2 and are now 8, is very much indicative to me that the situation has not been handled right.

Or perhaps, like someone else said, the children around him (including his sibling) have a "real" dad and he wants that for himself.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Or perhaps, like someone else said, the children around him (including his sibling) have a "real" dad and he wants that for himself.

Many of those children, like him, have "real" dads that might not be biological. Many children call a stepfather "dad" like he himself does. If the parents are really creating a functional, warm and nurturing home, he shouldn't consider his sibling's relationship with the dad any different than his own. That might not be the case, but it should be.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

The only thing that I would have done different is to prepare her son for the call. After the call discuss his feelings and let her son know she is there is he needs her. I do not feel, and I never will, that she should ask her husband what he thinks should be done.

Heck, who needs husbands at all, then.

Oh that's right, I forgot, somebody needs to plunge the toilet when it needs it...

Seriously, what kind of a marriage is that where the husband is so marginalized that his opinion is not even worth hearing.

 

[summerrluvv]

Many of those children, like him, have "real" dads that might not be biological. Many children call a stepfather "dad" like he himself does. If the parents are really creating a functional, warm and nurturing home, he shouldn't consider his sibling's relationship with the dad any different than his own. That might not be the case, but it should be.

Yes, I realize that some stepdads are called "dad".

By using "real" in quotes, I was inferring biological. I'm sure the child doesn't refer to him as his biological dad though. I don't know of any kid that uses that particular term. "Real" dad is probably used more often. I know it was when I was growing up.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Heck, who needs husbands at all, then.

Oh that's right, I forgot, somebody needs to plunge the toilet when it needs it...

Seriously, what kind of a marriage is that where the husband is so marginalized that his opinion is not even worth hearing.

I think you are missing the point. Her husband should know what is going on in the house but he really has no say in what the mom wants for her son in regards to his bio dad. I think that this sounds more like a control issue on stepdads part.

 

[summerrluvv]

I think you are missing the point. Her husband should know what is going on in the house but he really has no say in what the mom wants for her son in regards to his bio dad. I think that this sounds more like a control issue on stepdads part.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Yes, I realize that some stepdads are called "dad".

By using "real" in quotes, I was inferring biological. I'm sure the child doesn't refer to him as his biological dad though. I don't know of any kid that uses that particular term. "Real" dad is probably used more often. I know it was when I was growing up.

I agree. Kids don't often say "biological dad", but I worded it that way because calling someone who's rarely around (if at all) "real" doesn't sit well with me. It also makes someone who is adopted feel awkward - like their mom and dad aren't their "real" parents. That is part of why I feel like the one who wipes your tears and makes your dinner and pays for your sneakers is more "real" than the one whose DNA is in your body. Some people have a stepdad and a bio dad that are both "real", some have neither. It can get really complex. You're right that most people use the term "real" dad exactly as you did, but I just wanted to show why it isn't what I prefer.

 

[Hannathy]

I think you are missing the point. Her husband should know what is going on in the house but he really has no say in what the mom wants for her son in regards to his bio dad. I think that this sounds more like a control issue on stepdads part.

ITA! especially with the "fit" he threw- not talking, not taking call, going out drinking, not coming home.

 

[ceecee]

I agree that the "grow up" comments direct at OP's DH are out of line. The way this scenario was thrust upon him is the issue, not what the scenario was.

Think of it this way. You are in a marriage where you make financial decision together. One day one spouse just shows up with a new car (even a "new" used car). The other spouse is ticked. Would the reaction be that the ticked spouse needs to get over it? Even if they were going to be needing a new car in the near future, in a relationship where financial matters are discussed, this would be a huge breach of trust. In talking it over they might very well have come to the conclusion to buy that very same car that was now sitting in the driveway, but that is all rather beside the point (though that will probably help repair the damage).

And buying a car is a *much* less big of a deal that spontaneously letting the biological father back into the son's life.

The red flags to me that indicate that the DH in this scenario is not merely acting hurt (though hurt is probably one of the feelings) are:

1. The child's memories of his biological father have been reinforced in an odd way -- memories from 2 are not that developed later in childhood without support.

2. The child has been crying about wanting to see his biological dad. Why? What is missing in his life that he's looking outside basically the only family unit he has ever known?

3. The fact that he has been crying has not been shared with his stepdad -- he has been kept out of the loop.

4. The OP's first reaction to an out of blue phone call from her ex was excitement.

5. The use of OP's phrasing "her" son rather than "our" son.

6. The first reaction of the OP was that her DH was reacting out of hurt, rather than thinking that maybe he just thought she handled things in a way that were *not* in the best interest of their son.

All of these things add up to a scenario where there is *much* more needed than for the DH to "get over" his feelings or "grow up." I think he has a real basis to fear both for the strength of his marriage and for the emotional well being of his son.

6 VERY VALID points....I thought the same myself.
A REAL dad isn't the man who biologically contribed to the child, it is the one who emotionally contribed!!!
I hate the term "REAL DAD"... that is giving the guy who disappeared for 6 years all the respect and NONE to the guy who was there for the child.

 

[bellarella]

I think you are missing the point. Her husband should know what is going on in the house but he really has no say in what the mom wants for her son in regards to his bio dad. I think that this sounds more like a control issue on stepdads part.

I disagree. He absolutely should have a say in what is best for a child. Biology does not make one automatically the best judge of what is best for child.

What is best for a child is when *all* of the parents in their life, biological or not, come together to make decisions for the child, setting aside their personal preferences and looking at things through the perspective of child's emotional and physical well being. This of course doesn't always happen.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to drop all responsibility.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to use the child as a way to keep a "hook" into or a tie to the ex-spouse.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to use the child as weapon against the ex-spouse.

Sometimes you have a step parent who wants to abdicate all responsibility for the child.

Sometimes you have a step parent who wants to exclude the biological parent for selfish reasons.

Sometimes you have biological parents(s) who want to exclude step parents for selfish reasons.

All of these are failures to the child.

There is never an instance, short of abuse, when excluding *any* of the parents, biological or not, from a seat at the table is in the best interest of the child. Sometimes circumstances necessitate it because someone is unreasonable and selfish when sitting at that table, but that is a failure to the child, and should not be the starting point.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I disagree. He absolutely should have a say in what is best for a child. Biology does not make one automatically the best judge of what is best for child.

What is best for a child is when *all* of the parents in their life, biological or not, come together to make decisions for the child, setting aside their personal preferences and looking at things through the perspective of child's emotional and physical well being. This of course doesn't always happen.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to drop all responsibility.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to use the child as a way to keep a "hook" into or a tie to the ex-spouse.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to use the child as weapon against the ex-spouse.

Sometimes you have a step parent who wants to abdicate all responsibility for the child.

Sometimes you have a step parent who wants to exclude the biological parent for selfish reasons.

Sometimes you have biological parents(s) who want to exclude step parents for selfish reasons.

All of these are failures to the child.

There is never an instance, short of abuse, when excluding *any* of the parents, biological or not, from a seat at the table is in the best interest of the child. Sometimes circumstances necessitate it because someone is unreasonable and selfish when sitting at that table, but that is a failure to the child, and should not be the starting point.

Well said.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I disagree. He absolutely should have a say in what is best for a child. Biology does not make one automatically the best judge of what is best for child.

What is best for a child is when *all* of the parents in their life, biological or not, come together to make decisions for the child, setting aside their personal preferences and looking at things through the perspective of child's emotional and physical well being. This of course doesn't always happen.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to drop all responsibility.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to use the child as a way to keep a "hook" into or a tie to the ex-spouse.

Sometimes you have a biological parent who wants to use the child as weapon against the ex-spouse.

Sometimes you have a step parent who wants to abdicate all responsibility for the child.

Sometimes you have a step parent who wants to exclude the biological parent for selfish reasons.

Sometimes you have biological parents(s) who want to exclude step parents for selfish reasons.

All of these are failures to the child.

There is never an instance, short of abuse, when excluding *any* of the parents, biological or not, from a seat at the table is in the best interest of the child. Sometimes circumstances necessitate it because someone is unreasonable and selfish when sitting at that table, but that is a failure to the child, and should not be the starting point.

This would be ideal...in an ideal world. But we are living in a world where this and our feeling really don't matter. A few years ago I lived through short of a living hell with my ex. He was out of my daughter's life for quite a few years and just waltzes in and acts life he was gone a day. In court my feeling didn't matter my husband's feeling certainly didn't matter. It also didn't matter that this guy was gone ... he was back now and the courts made sure that he got his rights. So the thing I learned through all this is that THE ADULTS DON'T MATTER. My daughter matters ... the children must matter. Adults may have hurt feeling but a child that thinks they created this problem could have devastating problems.

 

[DisneyAprilFool]

My REAL Dad is the one who took care of me from 3rd grade until I graduated.

He is the Grandpa to my children... He is the one who just went to my daughter's first grade summer concert and applauded no matter how silly the song was...

His blood doesn't run through my veins and there was a time when I was a child that I was upset my BIOLOGICAL 'father' wasn't involved- but then as I matured, I realized that being a REAL DAD has nothing to do with blood ties.

It has everything to do with the heart.

This stepdad? He's this kid's real Dad.

 

[bellarella]

This would be ideal...in an ideal world. But we are living in a world where this and our feeling really don't matter. A few years ago I lived through short of a living hell with my ex. He was out of my daughter's life for quite a few years and just waltzes in and acts life he was gone a day. In court my feeling didn't matter my husband's feeling certainly didn't matter. It also didn't matter that this guy was gone ... he was back now and the courts made sure that he got his rights. So the thing I learned through all this is that THE ADULTS DON'T MATTER. My daughter matters ... the children must matter. Adults may have hurt feeling but a child that thinks they created this problem could have devastating problems.

Your argument has changed. Previously you were arguing that step parents have no right (in the "universal" sense) to expect to be involved in decisions for the child, that only the mother (and I assume father if they were the custodial parent) does. Now you are saying that the courts dictate that. If that's the case, then it should be the goal to keep the courts the heck out of it. And to do that, I again maintain you don't go pre-emptively eliminating *any* parent from the decision making process until you absolutely are forced to.

The courts don't always get it right. However the courts don't step in until the adults have already failed the child. It may have been just one adult that did the failing, but the courts do not get involved if all parties are doing their job in the first place.

OP's actions have increased the likelihood that the courts will need to get involved. How would her ex have known that her DS was at home? There was no pressing need for her to hand the phone over. She could have easily expressed an interest in him being able to see him without committing to it in that moment. This all could have been handled with her DH involved, with her ex involved, all in a way that most protected her DS. Perhaps not, but at least that was a possibility.

Now her DS has the (possibly false) hope that his biological father will have a greater role than a check in his life. She has undermined her husbands trust, making it more likely that he will react stupidly and emotionally rather than rationally. I would say her marriage is at risk right now, and without recognizing the steps that got her here, the courts, whether family court for custody, or divorce court for her marriage, may be on the horizon.

And no matter what way you slice that, it isn't good for the child.

You may have been forced into allowing your child's biological father into the picture and that may have forced your DH out of the decision making process. That doesn't mean that is the natural state of affairs. Your DH was stripped of his rights as a family member by the courts, that doesn't make his situation the rightful place of all step parents, but rather the worst case scenario. I am truly sorry your family has been placed in such a situation.

 

[mike&amy1508]

OP - I haven't been able to read all of the posts, and I don't know if this has been suggested yet, but I wanted to throw this idea out there: Maybe you should have your husband and your son sit down and talk about this together. He can't have any harsh feelings towards your son, and maybe your son could make him see & understand what this means to him; and show him that he still loves his "daddy" but needs to know his father, also.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

Your argument has changed. Previously you were arguing that step parents have no right (in the "universal" sense) to expect to be involved in decisions for the child, that only the mother (and I assume father if they were the custodial parent) does. Now you are saying that the courts dictate that. If that's the case, then it should be the goal to keep the courts the heck out of it. And to do that, I again maintain you don't go pre-emptively eliminating *any* parent from the decision making process until you absolutely are forced to.

The courts don't always get it right. However the courts don't step in until the adults have already failed the child. It may have been just one adult that did the failing, but the courts do not get involved if all parties are doing their job in the first place.

OP's actions have increased the likelihood that the courts will need to get involved. How would her ex have known that her DS was at home? There was no pressing need for her to hand the phone over. She could have easily expressed an interest in him being able to see him without committing to it in that moment. This all could have been handled with her DH involved, with her ex involved, all in a way that most protected her DS. Perhaps not, but at least that was a possibility.

Now her DS has the (possibly false) hope that his biological father will have a greater role than a check in his life. She has undermined her husbands trust, making it more likely that he will react stupidly and emotionally rather than rationally. I would say her marriage is at risk right now, and without recognizing the steps that got her here, the courts, whether family court for custody, or divorce court for her marriage, may be on the horizon.

And no matter what way you slice that, it isn't good for the child.

You may have been forced into allowing your child's biological father into the picture and that may have forced your DH out of the decision making process. That doesn't mean that is the natural state of affairs. Your DH was stripped of his rights as a family member by the courts, that doesn't make his situation the rightful place of all step parents, but rather the worst case scenario. I am truly sorry your family has been placed in such a situation.

If I changed my position it was unintentional. My DH was never stripped of his rights by any court. He was never with me in court (my choice). My DH is a very imporant part of my family and he is very important to my daughter. What I was trying to say is that I make the decisions for my daughter not my husband. I was not taken to court because I failed in any way as a parent. I was taken back to court because my ex got remarried and she wanted equal time with DD... but that is a whole other story. My husband has equal say in everything except when it comes to my DD ... he will never have equal say. If it comes down to him or her guess which one I will choose. But I married a man that is mature enough to accept that he is and only will be the STEPFATHER.

 

[mike&amy1508]

How Is Any Of This Arguing Supposed To Help The Op??? Take It Somewhere Else!!!!!!!

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

The courts don't always get it right. However the courts don't step in until the adults have already failed the child. It may have been just one adult that did the failing, but the courts do not get involved if all parties are doing their job in the first place.
QUOTE] I would also like to add that courts do not only get involved because the bio parent has failed in some way. Anyone that has been blindsided by served legal papers knows how wrong this is. All you need is parent that feel they aren't getting their fair share and the courts will come into play. It is very rarely about failing a child...it is very rarely about the child at all.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I guess I will leave this thread before we get shut down. I would hope that the OP's husband made it home ok last night. I hope that the OP also realizes that her son needs help getting through this ...not just the DH. I also hope that if dad really comes around he stays around. I think that this family has a long bumpy road ahead but hopefully it will work out in the end.