My Daughter Is Such A Brat...

[joviroxx]

I find it strange that as parents you demand respect from you kids but will not consider respecting them. My mother lives in my house I would not even consider going through her things despite it being my house and it being my closet.

No one was going through anybody things. They were putting something in a closet.

 

[Goofyluver]

YAWN. Parent that treat their children like prisoners of their home annoy me. Yes, they are your children, but its your JOB to teach them respect

Absolutely.

- and that means you actually have to show them the respect that you might ask back in return.

Absolutely not.

How ridiculous.

As parents, we are expected to teach our children. We tell them what to do and how to act. At times, we may look in their things.

I'm hoping you're not saying that you'd allow your child to tell you what to. Or even to go through your things.

That's why we're called parents and they're called children.

If you don't want them rifling around in your business, stay out of theirs, unless they have shown you that they can't be trusted with that kind of privacy.

Oh my god. That is what you're saying.

I have children - I give my 6 year old more respect than you are affording your teenagers (who are almost a ADULTS). I don't buy that 'MY HOUSE!!!!' stuff. They live there too. Just plain rude.

No, it's not rude. It's parenting.

It is possible to love your children madly while giving them the guidance they need...all while not being a permissive doormat.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I see two issues: 1) Lack of communication, and 2) Overreaction.

First, Dad could've avoided this by simply saying, "I dropped a gift into your closet -- feel free to peek. I'm going to wrap it later". If the daugther wasn't home, he could've left a note. Over the years my girls've hidden numerous presents for me and their dad, and they've always felt special to be in on the secret.

I don't see any hint that Dad did anything wrong here in storing the gift in a closet. He just should've used better communication to avoid the problem, even if they have a history of storing gifts in this way.

Second, the daughter overreacted when she spoke to her mom. It's reasonable that an almost-adult should've put two and two together, and she should've realized it was a gift. Even if her dad had dropped the ball in not speaking to her, she should've been smart enough to realize that no good could come from giving away his secret (after all, she doesn't have any way to know that Mom had spoken to Dad about the cookie jar earlier). She should've said nothing to Mom, and then later she could've been on firm ground to say to Dad, "Hey, I wish you'd told me that you were putting an item in my closet. For all you knew, I could've been hiding something for you in there!" Dad would've then thought, "Yeah, my baby's growing up. I should've behaved differently." And I bet he would've next time left the gift in the trunk of his car.

At the same time, Mom overreacted. She knew her husband was going to buy the cookie jar. No real surprise ever existed. So why be upset enough to tell strangers about the issue? Mom had no control over what happened, but she could've said, "Oh, I suspect your dad left that in there as a surprise for me. I wish you hadn't told me! Now I'm going to have to act surprised!" And that would've been reprimand enough to let the daughter know that she'd been out of line to give away her dad's surprise, and hopefully the daughter'd realize later that she should've kept this problem between herself and Dad.

I agree with everything you have said here.

I really don't think the OP and her DH are the bad guys here. Sure...He ould have asked her now, but everyone makes mistakes. The daughter was out of line to take it that far.

 

[MichelleVW]

YAWN. Parent that treat their children like prisoners of their home annoy me. Yes, they are your children, but its your JOB to teach them respect - and that means you actually have to show them the respect that you might ask back in return. It doesn't give you carte blanche to keep them under your thumb just because you can. If you don't want them rifling around in your business, stay out of theirs, unless they have shown you that they can't be trusted with that kind of privacy.

I have children - I give my 6 year old more respect than you are affording your teenagers (who are almost a ADULTS). I don't buy that 'MY HOUSE!!!!' stuff. They live there too. Just plain rude.

Lol at the Prisoners comment. Just because I will occasionally go in DD's closet hardly means she is a prisoner. It just means she's not home to ask. If she is looking for something and I'm not home she will go in my closet to look for it. Except for now...since there are Christmas presents in there, they are banned until Sunday.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Absolutely.



Absolutely not.

How ridiculous.

As parents, we are expected to teach our children. We tell them what to do and how to act. At times, we may look in their things.

I'm hoping you're not saying that you'd allow your child to tell you what to. Or even to go through your things.

That's why we're called parents and they're called children.



Oh my god. That is what you're saying.



No, it's not rude. It's parenting.

It is possible to love your children madly while giving them the guidance they need...all while not being a permissive doormat.

I don't think I would go throught the twins' things at that age unless I had a reason to...But I better darn well be able to go in there room to get something I need or put something in there without it being an invasion of privacy.

But then again, I don't think(again I say "think" because my kids are only 4 right now) I would have an issue with one of them hiding something in my closet for someone either...Or putting something away.

That is where the respect comes in IMO...A mutual understanding that sometimes we need to go into eachother's space. That's not the same thing as "snooping" on your kids.

(Goofy, I quoted you cause I agree, but the post is more part of the discussion, than aimed at you.)

 

[Planogirl]

It sounds like the girl was being bratty but teens sometimes can be. That doesn't make it right but it's not surprising to me.

As for the closet, I don't see anything wrong with putting something in the girl's closet. That doesn't mean that I agree with snooping through her things without cause. To me those are two different subjects. I'm another that doesn't go along with the "my house" philosophy and we have done quite well so I doubt that I'd change my mind. I will only snoop if given cause to.

Putting something in a closet is not snooping to me though. The girl might have felt like it was in a way but she'll just have to get over that.

 

[princessmom29]

Absolutely.



Absolutely not.

How ridiculous.

As parents, we are expected to teach our children. We tell them what to do and how to act. At times, we may look in their things.

I'm hoping you're not saying that you'd allow your child to tell you what to. Or even to go through your things.

That's why we're called parents and they're called children.



Oh my god. That is what you're saying.



No, it's not rude. It's parenting.

It is possible to love your children madly while giving them the guidance they need...all while not being a permissive doormat.

Honestly, I think the degree of privacy I am willing to give a kid depends on how much they have shown me that they are trustworthy and respectful of the privacy of others. If my DD gives me no reason to beleive she has acted in a manner that is untrustworthy she gets the privacy she has earned. If she proved to me or i have reason to suspect that she is sneaking ,hiding things, or not obeying our rules then that privacy is revoked. I lived in a house where nothing was private. Not even my journal. My mom would read it and confrot me pretty nastily about venting, and then punish me for what I wrote. I didn't do anything that broke thier trust, it was just the way it was in my house. It made me very unwilling to open up about anything, ever. My thought was that at least I could keep my thoughts private. I don't think that is a healthy environment for a teen, and I won't do it to my DD when she gets there. Everyone deserves to be respected as ahuman being. You can do that and still set limits and be the parent. It is all about balance and appropiate levels of privacy for the situation. Kids do need to feel that they have some sort of safe place to vent thier feelings and that those feelings can be kept private. There is an age where the just NEED SOME privacy for SOME things, certainly not everything.

 

[Keli]

OP, I think you are justified in feeling hurt. Your dd did do something intentionally mean in retaliation of a perceived violation of privacy. She should feel ashamed of herself for being so petty and vindictive, IMHO.
Yes, it is typical teenage behavior but it shouldn't go unaddressed just because it's not uncommon for that age.
Personally I would talk to her about what level of privacy she can/can't expect in my home. In other words, I would warn her that at Christmas time I WILL go in her room and hide presents in her closet. I will go in there and put up clean clothes, I will go in there and actually snoop if she ever gives me reason to feel that is necessary. When she is grown and owns her own home she is free to impose whatever rules she thinks is fair in that home.

Sometimes teenagers just aren't fun but I will tell you from someone who lived through an occasionally bratty teenager, when they get older they become the sweet person they were before hormones kicked in, LOL!

 

[Goofyluver]

Honestly, I think the degree of privacy I am willing to give a kid depends on how much they have shown me that they are trustworthy and respectful of the privacy of others. If my DD gives me no reason to beleive she has acted in a manner that is untrustworthy she gets the privacy she has earned. If she proved to me or i have reason to suspect that she is sneaking ,hiding things, or not obeying our rules then that privacy is revoked. I lived in a house where nothing was private. Not even my journal. My mom would read it and confrot me pretty nastily about venting, and then punish me for what I wrote. I didn't do anything that broke thier trust, it was just the way it was in my house. It made me very unwilling to open up about anything, ever. My thought was that at least I could keep my thoughts private. I don't think that is a healthy environment for a teen, and I won't do it to my DD when she gets there. Everyone deserves to be respected as ahuman being. You can do that and still set limits and be the parent. It is all about balance and appropiate levels of privacy for the situation. Kids do need to feel that they have some sort of safe place to vent thier feelings and that those feelings can be kept private. There is an age where the just NEED SOME privacy for SOME things, certainly not everything.

Absolutely.

I think some folks think that because some parents say, "Listen, this is my house. I will search your room and go through your things if I think I need to (or even if I need to put something in your closet)." that we're setting up scheduled room-checks in a basic training sort of style.

But to have a poster say that if you don't want your kids to violate your privacy that you shouldn't go into their room or look in their things, that's another level of insanity which I just can't get behind. Parents have certain privileges that children don't. Those privileges come with being a parent. No, I don't have to give you (a child) the same level of privacy that you WILL give me.

We may not do scheduled room checks, but that doesn't mean that our son doesn't know that we won't if we need to. Period. End of discussion.

Understanding that a respectful relationship between parent and child entails different demands from the different parties is common knowledge, at least I thought so. Until I read this thread and see some of the posts in here.

 

[luvmy3]

To me, its not about the expectation of privacy, but more the expectation of courtesy. I realize that the OP's family has been doing this for years, but that doesn't mean a parent can't ask a 17 year old if they can stick something in their closet. I don't mean ask for real permission, but at least treat them like an almost adult and not a 6 year old by letting them know you respect the fact that room/closest is their space. I wouldn't just stick something in my dh's closet without asking or at the least informing him before I do, so I would afford my kids the same courtesy to my almost adult dd.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

To me, its not about the expectation of privacy, but more the expectation of courtesy. I realize that the OP's family has been doing this for years, but that doesn't mean a parent can't ask a 17 year old if they can stick something in their closet. I don't mean ask for real permission, but at least treat them like an almost adult and not a 6 year old by letting them know you respect the fact that room/closest is their space. I wouldn't just stick something in my dh's closet without asking or at the least informing him before I do, so I would afford my kids the same courtesy to my almost adult dd.

Maybe DH forgot....Got to doing other things and it slipped his mind. I don't think he did it on purpose. OP said he usually asks or tells her what is hapening.

 

[krcit]

YAWN. Parent that treat their children like prisoners of their home annoy me. Yes, they are your children, but its your JOB to teach them respect - and that means you actually have to show them the respect that you might ask back in return. It doesn't give you carte blanche to keep them under your thumb just because you can. If you don't want them rifling around in your business, stay out of theirs, unless they have shown you that they can't be trusted with that kind of privacy.

I have children - I give my 6 year old more respect than you are affording your teenagers (who are almost a ADULTS). I don't buy that 'MY HOUSE!!!!' stuff. They live there too. Just plain rude.

YAWN. Parents who don't have teenagers but know it all annoy me.


I have 2 teen girls and I would be annoyed if they intentionally ruined a Christnas suprise....not because of the gift because of the mesan-spiritedness of it. I certainly don't treat my kids like prisoners but I go in their rooms if I need something in there.

 

[MichelleVW]

To me, its not about the expectation of privacy, but more the expectation of courtesy. I realize that the OP's family has been doing this for years, but that doesn't mean a parent can't ask a 17 year old if they can stick something in their closet. I don't mean ask for real permission, but at least treat them like an almost adult and not a 6 year old by letting them know you respect the fact that room/closest is their space. I wouldn't just stick something in my dh's closet without asking or at the least informing him before I do, so I would afford my kids the same courtesy to my almost adult dd.

She wasn't home to ask....and she knew what it was and she knew she was being a brat about it...THAT is the problem.

 

[luvmy3]

Maybe DH forgot....Got to doing other things and it slipped his mind. I don't think he did it on purpose. OP said he usually asks or tells her what is hapening.

Maybe, but I don't think it is unreasonable for a 17 year old to be upset when she comes home and finds someone has been in her closet without her knowing.
(Not an excuse for her behavior after the fact, though.)

 

[mjkacmom]

I, personally, would never go into any of my kids' closets this time of year. I assume that's where they are hiding the gifts they got for us. I would be very upset with my child if he/she went into my closet, this time of year, for any reason. And I'd probably over-react.

 

[luvmy3]

She wasn't home to ask....and she knew what it was and she knew she was being a brat about it...THAT is the problem.

And I didn't say IT wasn't a problem.

 

[FayeW]

I see two issues:

At the same time, Mom overreacted. She knew her husband was going to buy the cookie jar. No real surprise ever existed. So why be upset enough to tell strangers about the issue? Mom had no control over what happened, but she could've said, "Oh, I suspect your dad left that in there as a surprise for me. I wish you hadn't told me! Now I'm going to have to act surprised!" And that would've been reprimand enough to let the daughter know that she'd been out of line to give away her dad's surprise, and hopefully the daughter'd realize later that she should've kept this problem between herself and Dad.

It isn't about the surprise being ruined, it was a $15 cookie jar that I was sure he would buy. She, however, didn't know that, and neither did her father. She set out purposely to ruin her father's surprise for me, thereby potentially hurting both of us. She wanted to prove a point and chose to be petty and mean spirited to do it. She wants to be treated respectfully, but chooses to be mean, spiteful, and disrespectful to us at any opportunity.

 

[kim929]

Sorry this happened to you Faye. I have a 17yo DD also. I must say I'm surprised at the replies here: because she is 17, this is expected/excusable/OK? Not in my book. I agree with you--it sounds bratty, and selfish to me.

I agree with this....

I use my dd 18 closet to hide presents all the time. I go in when she isn't home she has no problem with it. If she did I would be wondering what she was hiding.....

 

[sbell111]

I spotted an inexpensive cookie jar at the store the other day and decided against buying it, but told my husband about it after I came home. He went the next day and bought it, and hid it in our 17 yr old daughter's closet, to wrap later for a Christmas gift for me.

For reasons known only to her, our daughter just came into the kitchen and asked why it was in a bag in her closet, naming exactly what the item was. Now, she knew perfectly well it was a gift, as we have been hiding gifts for each other in our childrens' closets for years and she is well aware of it. I am certain she was reasonably sure that it was a gift for me. She was pissed off that her father put it in her room without discussing it with her (she was at work when he brought it home) so she purposely and intentionally ruined the surprise of the gift he had purchased for me.

FTR, I am not upset about knowing about the gift ahead of time. I was 100% sure when I told him about it that he would go and buy it, and really, how excited is somebody going to get about a $15 cookie jar? I am however really steamed that she intentionally ruined her father's surprise for me. It was one little add on gift that he knew I would like and I think that he is hurt that she would deliberately ruin his surprise.

I am pissed off with her for being such a brat, and if I am going to be really honest, my feelings are hurt too, because she did it purposely because she knew it was my gift.

It's stupid, it's just a little gift, but I am really just feeling sad because it just seemed so hateful.

My take is that your daughter is right to be upset that things are being stored in her closet without talking to her about it. Your husband was wrong to think that he didn't need to mention it to her beforehand. Also, I feel that you are overreacting to the situation.

 

[DVCLiz]

No wonder everyone says such rotten things about teenagers. One poor kid, that we don't know, found a rogue cookie jar in her closet and there are three pages on posts insisting she's "mean and obnoxious" and apparently interested in a "power struggle".

As the misquoted Abe Lincoln says in Polyanna "If you expect the worst in people you will surely find it".

I used to think it had something to do with treating people poorly, and they would treat you poorly in return. Here though we've taken a completely and entirely innocuos set of events and assumed the worst. The posters assumed the girl would remember their hiding tradition the same as the Mom did, assumed she would realize the gift was from her Dad to her Mom, and assumed she would put that together before walking up to her Mom and asking.

Isn't there something that happens when people assume?

There wasn't anything innocuous about the OP's post or the teen's behavior - it was perfectly clear what the daughter was doing and that she was doing it intentionally.

Over a cookie jar? Really?

What happens if the daughter does something that REALLY crosses the line? Then what? How do you 'up the ante' if you're taking away something "major" over a cookie jar??

If I'd really raised a daughter who behaved like this you can be sure I would be punishing her and I wouldn't have to think very hard about it. Rude and disrespectful in my house would get you punished. It's not about he cookie jar, it's about the behavior.

And news flash, grounding, taking away car keys, making someone do extra chores, etc. work pretty well and they can be used over and over again. No need to think of ever-increasing punishments.

Having said all that, I am really sorry for the OP. My own situation is so very different from hers. I would be crushed if my daughter ever did anything like this.