My Daughter Is Such A Brat...

[jrmasm]

Neither parent should be going into a 17-year-old's closet. I'm sorry, Mom, that you are angry and disappointed that your daughter simply asked why something was there. You and your husband are the ones in the wrong here. The item was not wrapped as a gift for anyone. It was in your daughter's private space and she has every right to question that. What you and your husband have done "for years" needs to change now that she is preparing to take her place as an adult in society. Has it crossed your mind that in her outrage she thought this item was for her? I know my sons would wonder why I bought them such an item if I ever placed something in one of their rooms.

While I don't make it a habit of rooting through my teen's closet, the fact remains that it's MY house and MY closet. If I need to store something in it, I damn well will.

 

[merryweather20]

Some day when your precious children do something like this to you, come back and ask us if we feel sorry for you. We will, because it was mean and moms aren't used to deliberate cruelty from their children. Screwups and teen hormones, yes, but not something that crosses the line like this.

The OP's daughter was mean and obnoxious. I'd be taking away something pretty major just to prove a point. If a teen wants to engage in a power struggle with me, guess what - I'm winning. There was absolutely no reason for the teen to behave this way - even if she felt violated, etc. which is ridiculous in my opinion, she could easily have chosen another way to handle it. "Psst, hey Dad, is that a present for Mom in my closet? Could you guys not do that anymore, please? I have private stuff in my closet." etc. etc.

No reason to spoil her mother's surprise, no matter how small the item.

No wonder everyone says such rotten things about teenagers. One poor kid, that we don't know, found a rogue cookie jar in her closet and there are three pages on posts insisting she's "mean and obnoxious" and apparently interested in a "power struggle".

As the misquoted Abe Lincoln says in Polyanna "If you expect the worst in people you will surely find it".

I used to think it had something to do with treating people poorly, and they would treat you poorly in return. Here though we've taken a completely and entirely innocuos set of events and assumed the worst. The posters assumed the girl would remember their hiding tradition the same as the Mom did, assumed she would realize the gift was from her Dad to her Mom, and assumed she would put that together before walking up to her Mom and asking.

Isn't there something that happens when people assume?

 

[Toad_Passenger]

No wonder everyone says such rotten things about teenagers. One poor kid, that we don't know, found a rogue cookie jar in her closet and there are three pages on posts insisting she's "mean and obnoxious" and apparently interested in a "power struggle".

As the misquoted Abe Lincoln says in Polyanna "If you expect the worst in people you will surely find it".

I used to think it had something to do with treating people poorly, and they would treat you poorly in return. Here though we've taken a completely and entirely innocuos set of events and assumed the worst. The posters assumed the girl would remember their hiding tradition the same as the Mom did, assumed she would realize the gift was from her Dad to her Mom, and assumed she would put that together before walking up to her Mom and asking.

Isn't there something that happens when people assume?

Not when there is enough evidence that assumptions aren't necessary.

 

[kellyg403]

Of course she should let her know that it was hurtful. And yes, we aren't just parents, but are people as well. Just Like 17 year olds aren't just kids but are people as well. If, historically, I hid Santa presents in my neighbors garage every year, I would still ask their permission every year before hiding them there. I feel that they should have asked her permission as well. It's her space, and would have shown her respect. There is nothing wrong with that.

While I don't disagree with the privacy issue per se, I also know that teens have no problems invading other people's privacy. Its only 'their' privacy that usually comes into play!

As for the neighbor's garage, I agree with another. That IS their personal property, I would always ask and never assume I could store my things at Christmas. In my honme, where we have done the same thing for years, I would not ask my teen dd if I could hide something in her closet. Yes, it is her space, but honestly she will move one and it will return to being 'my' closet someday. Its on loan to her at this time. I am not going snooping in her closet and looking ffor her secrets. Hopefully dad just placed the bag in the closet. Hopefully dd will be able to discuss this with her parents if it is a privacy issue on her part.

I appreciate your thoughts on the privacy issue, I just see it a little bit differently. I know my teen dd's had no problem's weighing the consequences of trouble for invading my bathroom to borrow makeup or my clothes out of my closet and deciding it was worth it. I know, in a family, privacy is one of those things you hope you get every now and again, but really not a given in any way shape or form.

 

[Acklander]

Yes, as we age we learn that being honest up front is way better than hurting someone's feeligs or being passive aggressive about it.

Your neighbor's garage is their private property, and you should ask. In this situation, while teenagers feel they should have a certain measure of privacy, they should know that so long as it is not their house they do not have 100% privacy.

Just like the threads on cell phones, computers, etc., children under 18 should know that their things are always open for parental inspection without warning.

Ok, instead of talking about a neighbors garage, we'll bring it back into the home. I have a guest room, whenever I have people staying over, if I want to put something in the room or get something out of the room I will ask the guest first, because for the weekend, that is their space. While they are staying there I don't go thru their closet, their computer, their phone, or their letters even though those things are in "my" house. I respect the privacy of others, just like I would like them to respect mine.

Unless there have been some issues in the past that would cause concern for their safety, a 17 year old deserves some privacy in their own home. They shouldn't have to lay out their phone or computer or closet for parental inspection just because.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

OP...I'm sorry your feelings got hurt. Isn't the worst from your kids? My kids are 4 and have said some nasty things...I know they either don't understnad it or don't mean it at their age, but it is still hurtful.


She's not wrong for questioning it(even though she should have known if this has been a tradition in your house)...But she should have asked you DH privately.

Unless it was something she thought YOU were hiding from HIM..

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Ok, instead of talking about a neighbors garage, we'll bring it back into the home. I have a guest room, whenever I have people staying over, if I want to put something in the room or get something out of the room I will ask the guest first, because for the weekend, that is their space. While they are staying there I don't go thru their closet, their computer, their phone, or their letters even though those things are in "my" house. I respect the privacy of others, just like I would like them to respect mine.

Unless there have been some issues in the past that would cause concern for their safety, a 17 year old deserves some privacy in their own home. They shouldn't have to lay out their phone or computer or closet for parental inspection just because.

In your example are your guests 18+? Then I would afford them some sort of privacy, unless I suspected they were bringing drugs or weapons into my house.

If the guests are <18, then they are afforded the same "privacy" as my own children. As the homeowner, I'M the one with their butt on the line if there is an underage drinking incident, or anything else illegal going on.

 

[msmayor]

Some day when your precious children do something like this to you, come back and ask us if we feel sorry for you. We will, because it was mean and moms aren't used to deliberate cruelty from their children. Screwups and teen hormones, yes, but not something that crosses the line like this.

The OP's daughter was mean and obnoxious. I'd be taking away something pretty major just to prove a point. If a teen wants to engage in a power struggle with me, guess what - I'm winning. There was absolutely no reason for the teen to behave this way - even if she felt violated, etc. which is ridiculous in my opinion, she could easily have chosen another way to handle it. "Psst, hey Dad, is that a present for Mom in my closet? Could you guys not do that anymore, please? I have private stuff in my closet." etc. etc.

No reason to spoil her mother's surprise, no matter how small the item.

Over a cookie jar? Really?

What happens if the daughter does something that REALLY crosses the line? Then what? How do you 'up the ante' if you're taking away something "major" over a cookie jar??

 

[MichelleVW]

Sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you. Im sure it has something to do with her being almost 18 years old and not having her privacy respected. Is there no where else in your house that you could hide presents other than snooping around in her closet (what she felt, I'm sure).

Good lord.....there was one small bag in there...the man didn't go rooting through and rearranging it.

Most 17 year old girls are brats and 17 year old boys are punks

sorry...they aren't all that way. While my girls aren't angels neither one of them were horrible brats when they were teens (18 and 20 now)

Neither parent should be going into a 17-year-old's closet (unless they suspect that an illegal substance may be stored there). .

That's ridiculous. If my girls aren't home (which they aren't a lot now since they are in college) and I need something that I think might be in one of their closets I'm going to go look in it. And sometimes I may just go look to make sure it's not too horribly messy. Why?? Because it's MY closet in MY house. I don't go reading diaries or snooping through their texts messages and I don't know their facebook passwords...but if I want to put something in their closet I will.

 

[Acklander]

In your example are your guests 18+? Then I would afford them some sort of privacy, unless I suspected they were bringing drugs or weapons into my house.

If the guests are <18, then they are afforded the same "privacy" as my own children. As the homeowner, I'M the one with their butt on the line if there is an underage drinking incident, or anything else illegal going on.

If there were concern from my kids that something illegal was going on that would be one thing. But this wasn't a safety issue, it was a cookie jar. So yes, I think you should check with a 17 year old before going into her closet. Were not talking about drugs or drinking or weapons here. Were talking about allowing a 17 year old space they can consider their own. Maybe it wouldn't bother you for others to go into your personal space, obviously it bothers the OP's daughter enough that she felt justified in ruining a Christmas present surprise. I just think it's time for the family to sit down and talk about boundaries and privacy, and the ability to speak up when someone is feeling put out instead of resorting to passive aggressive ways to get the message across. Therefore there will be less hurt feelings in the future.

 

[leebee]

Good lord.....there was one small bag in there...the man didn't go rooting through and rearranging it.

....sorry...they aren't all that way. While my girls aren't angels neither one of them were horrible brats when they were teens (18 and 20 now)

.....That's ridiculous. If my girls aren't home (which they aren't a lot now since they are in college) and I need something that I think might be in one of their closets I'm going to go look in it. And sometimes I may just go look to make sure it's not too horribly messy. Why?? Because it's MY closet in MY house. I don't go reading diaries or snooping through their texts messages and I don't know their facebook passwords...but if I want to put something in their closet I will.

I will throw my 2 cents in here as well. I will go with OP's statement/judgement that storing stuff in closets at Christmas is a "family tradition", so to speak, and nothing that DD isn't accustomed to having happen at this time of year. Yes, teens have their privacy, and I'll knock on DD18's door if she's in there rather than barging in, don't read her diary or notebooks, stay out of her drawers (unless I'm putting away clean laundry, somehow that doesn't violate privacy), but if she's out and I need something from her room, need to check that the heat's turned down, want to use her CD player, etc., SURE I GO IN... it's MY house. Actually, it's her house too, and if she needs something from my room (my sweater, my blankey, to use the shower instead of hers where there's a drying rack for leotards and tights, etc), she goes in if we aren't there.

Given the info from OP, I am 99% sure that OP's daughter knew exactly what she was doing. I don't think the point here is that OP had a Christmas surprise "ruined." I can handle that... what would be upsetting to me is that DD chose to be mean and petty. I would be heartbroken if DD intentionally chose to hurt my feelings. I can get over the hurt feelings, but not the sadness in knowing that DD has the capacity to intentionally decide to be mean when handling a situation instead of making a better decision of how to deal with it.

AFTER my temper/feelings have cooled, I'd talk to DD and ask her why she decided to handle the situation this way, spoiling her dad's anticipation and my surprise. Could she have called/talked to/asked him about this instead of bringing it directly to me and blowing up about it? Could she have waited for him to get home? Is she worried that he might have seen a surprise for him, or been snooping? DD and I talk about a lot of stuff, and this is the kind of conversation we'd have about the situation.

It's not about the ruined surprise. AND my DD isn't the stereotypical "spoiled brat, self-centered" teen girl... she just isn't!

 

[joviroxx]

Good lord.....there was one small bag in there...the man didn't go rooting through and rearranging it.



sorry...they aren't all that way. While my girls aren't angels neither one of them were horrible brats when they were teens (18 and 20 now)



That's ridiculous. If my girls aren't home (which they aren't a lot now since they are in college) and I need something that I think might be in one of their closets I'm going to go look in it. And sometimes I may just go look to make sure it's not too horribly messy. Why?? Because it's MY closet in MY house. I don't go reading diaries or snooping through their texts messages and I don't know their facebook passwords...but if I want to put something in their closet I will.

If her reaction was some kind of passive aggressive way to say it bothered her, well, if she wants to be treated like an adult, then she needs to act like one. Ive never hidden anything in my 13yr old's closet but even he would have had more tact if he wanted to know why it was there. Its Christmas for heaven's sake, not some random season.

And its a 1 gift, put there for safekeeping. You would think he hid a stash of something dishonest to keep from his wife....

 

[luvmy3]

While I don't condone her ruining the surprise, I can understand about her being mad that her dad went into her room and into her closet and didn't even mention anything to her.
Sorry she ruined your surprise and acted like a brat, but just think in 1 year you can legally kick her out



Just kidding of course

 

[Goofyluver]

Sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you. Im sure it has something to do with her being almost 18 years old and not having her privacy respected. Is there no where else in your house that you could hide presents other than snooping around in her closet (what she felt, I'm sure).

Neither parent should be going into a 17-year-old's closet (unless they suspect that an illegal substance may be stored there). I'm sorry, Mom, that you are angry and disappointed that your daughter simply asked why something was there. You and your husband are the ones in the wrong here. The item was not wrapped as a gift for anyone. It was in your daughter's private space and she has every right to question that. What you and your husband have done "for years" needs to change now that she is preparing to take her place as an adult in society. Has it crossed your mind that in her outrage she thought this item was for her? I know my sons would wonder why I bought them such an item if I ever placed something in one of their rooms.

You people wouldn't have lasted in this house.

Said closet is in my house, therefore it is MY closet.

Intentional rudeness/brattiness is inexcusable. Yes, the 17 y.o. knew better. She intentionally ruined a surprise for her mother. Unacceptable.

 

[PaulaSB12]

You people wouldn't have lasted in this house.

Said closet is in my house, therefore it is MY closet.

Intentional rudeness/brattiness is inexcusable. Yes, the 17 y.o. knew better. She intentionally ruined a surprise for her mother. Unacceptable.

I find it strange that as parents you demand respect from you kids but will not consider respecting them. My mother lives in my house I would not even consider going through her things despite it being my house and it being my closet.

 

[Goofyluver]

I find it strange that as parents you demand respect from you kids but will not consider respecting them. My mother lives in my house I would not even consider going through her things despite it being my house and it being my closet.

Therein lies the difference between being a parent and a child.

 

[FayeW]

Given the info from OP, I am 99% sure that OP's daughter knew exactly what she was doing. I don't think the point here is that OP had a Christmas surprise "ruined." I can handle that... what would be upsetting to me is that DD chose to be mean and petty. I would be heartbroken if DD intentionally chose to hurt my feelings. I can get over the hurt feelings, but not the sadness in knowing that DD has the capacity to intentionally decide to be mean when handling a situation instead of making a better decision of how to deal with it.

It's not about the ruined surprise. AND my DD isn't the stereotypical "spoiled brat, self-centered" teen girl... she just isn't!

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head. This is exactly why I was/am feeling upset with her.

She does know that I am angry and upset with how she chose to handle it, and she did confirm that she knew very well that it was a Christmas gift for me. She also admitted to doing it purposely because "you people shouldn't put things in my closet"

Ordinarily (as in, historically speaking) her father does ask her to hide the gifts in her room. In this instance, because she was at work, he just quickly shoved it in her closet. She was pissed off at me and wanted to ruin the surprise, just because.

She is generally a very good kid, however, lately it has been almost impossible for her to speak to us without being rude and antagonistic. Mostly she hibernates in her room and avoids having any contact with us...unless she wants us to drive her somewhere, or do something for her. Then we are the best parents ever!

 

[mom2maggie]

YAWN. Parent that treat their children like prisoners of their home annoy me. Yes, they are your children, but its your JOB to teach them respect - and that means you actually have to show them the respect that you might ask back in return. It doesn't give you carte blanche to keep them under your thumb just because you can. If you don't want them rifling around in your business, stay out of theirs, unless they have shown you that they can't be trusted with that kind of privacy.

I have children - I give my 6 year old more respect than you are affording your teenagers (who are almost a ADULTS). I don't buy that 'MY HOUSE!!!!' stuff. They live there too. Just plain rude.

 

[jrmasm]

I find it strange that as parents you demand respect from you kids but will not consider respecting them. My mother lives in my house I would not even consider going through her things despite it being my house and it being my closet.

Your mother? OMG, that is not even close to the same thing!

Read this:

She does know that I am angry and upset with how she chose to handle it, and she did confirm that she knew very well that it was a Christmas gift for me. She also admitted to doing it purposely because "you people shouldn't put things in my closet"

That is a really bratty thing to say and at 17, she is way too old to act like that.

 

[MrsPete]

I see two issues: 1) Lack of communication, and 2) Overreaction.

First, Dad could've avoided this by simply saying, "I dropped a gift into your closet -- feel free to peek. I'm going to wrap it later". If the daugther wasn't home, he could've left a note. Over the years my girls've hidden numerous presents for me and their dad, and they've always felt special to be in on the secret.

I don't see any hint that Dad did anything wrong here in storing the gift in a closet. He just should've used better communication to avoid the problem, even if they have a history of storing gifts in this way.

Second, the daughter overreacted when she spoke to her mom. It's reasonable that an almost-adult should've put two and two together, and she should've realized it was a gift. Even if her dad had dropped the ball in not speaking to her, she should've been smart enough to realize that no good could come from giving away his secret (after all, she doesn't have any way to know that Mom had spoken to Dad about the cookie jar earlier). She should've said nothing to Mom, and then later she could've been on firm ground to say to Dad, "Hey, I wish you'd told me that you were putting an item in my closet. For all you knew, I could've been hiding something for you in there!" Dad would've then thought, "Yeah, my baby's growing up. I should've behaved differently." And I bet he would've next time left the gift in the trunk of his car.

At the same time, Mom overreacted. She knew her husband was going to buy the cookie jar. No real surprise ever existed. So why be upset enough to tell strangers about the issue? Mom had no control over what happened, but she could've said, "Oh, I suspect your dad left that in there as a surprise for me. I wish you hadn't told me! Now I'm going to have to act surprised!" And that would've been reprimand enough to let the daughter know that she'd been out of line to give away her dad's surprise, and hopefully the daughter'd realize later that she should've kept this problem between herself and Dad.