My college-age daughter doesn't understand why her Dad is so quiet

[JanetRose]

and doesn't seem interested in her life. When they are together he doesn't communicate much and she takes it personally. I told her that he has always been that way. I also told her that things could always be worse.

She was somewhat upset about it last night and I told her it's hard to change someone and that he does love her.

(her dad and i are divorced)

 

[Piecey]

I'm college-aged (technically)... I'm 22.

I took a different route in my life, though. I'm married, have a son and a mortgage, etc.

It wasn't really until I settled into the *adult* life that my own father started to open up to me.

Tell her it'll come in time. Did he go to college? He probably just can't relate to where she is at all right now.
(I have an Assoc. degree too, but I don't really think of it as I'm not using it..)

 

[Terry36]

DH is such a quiet and homey person....DD(10) is like me, very talkative and likes to go places. She is always bothered that he doesn't want to go places or talk to him....I have tried talking to him and telling him how she feels but he does not budge...I have totally given up.

 

[Sleepy]

My father did not have the best parents. Bad situation. As a result, saying "I love you" is more difficult for him than for Fonzie to say "Marriage". In fact, my father never says I love you. Doesn't mean he doesn't love us, just means he has issues with the words. I have heard my father tell me only one time he loved me and that was on Father's Day when I was around 25 years old. It was enough for me to last the rest of my life and honestly, I think he said it because he DID love me. I was going through a rough time in my life. I had to explain the way my father is to my son many years ago. Back then he was too young to understand, but now he is 17 and understands fully. He still tells my father "i love you" and of course, dad responds with the usual "mm hmmmm" and you can hear and feel the uneasiness in his response .

We have to remind ourselves that we don't need to speak to love.

 

[kellyg403]

My dd who is 17 actually has a similar problem, but different. Her dad seems to think he can be the person she tells all her teenage problems to, know everything going on in her life etc. Then he gets upset if he doesn't know something and they argue. Her dad lives several hours away and is quite busy with his job (definitely not an excuse in my eyes) and wants to play catch up on one phone call a month. DD is a little more on the quiet side and quite mature so most of her 'drama' she prefers to handle in her own way. Most of the time, I can tell if she is out of her element or if she is trying to find her way and working on solving it so I let it go until she is ready.

I think in time it is just as hard for the dad's as it is for the kids. They don't live together everyday and so what they know is a lot of surface stuff. They don't really know the things we do about our children and ex's. They aren't sure if they should talk to their children like adults, the kids don't know why the dad's are asking so many questions about their life etc.

I am also in the camp that thinks over time the issue will resolve itself with a little maturity and open communication. I have told dd on several occasions that she just needs to see her dad for who he really is and what he is really doing...trying to be a part of her life. And I have told ex, please be aware delving into her life with so many questions makes her think you don't trust her. Your dd will also see that. Her dad is quiet and probably always has been. Maturity and learning to accept people for who they are comes with time.

Good luck to you, I know how hard it is to stand by and want to fix it. I have several times wanted to get the two of them in a room and just tell them to figure it out!

Kellt

 

[ericamanda01]

OP, My dad is the same way. We could go out to dinner and not have a thing to say to each other. I know he loves me, but he and I are so very different. I decided that the only way we were going to have any kind of relationship was to find something he was interested in and talk about that. It took forever! I was 19 and my dad (at the time) was 54 so you can imagine the search. We talk about once ever couple of weeks and I have to call him and start the conversation, but I know he's there for me when ever I need him. Tell your daughter not to give up.

 

[C.Ann]

Your DD is old enough that she should be talking this over with her dad.. (And even more so because there is a divorce involved..)

If she doesn't feel comfortable sharing face to face how disinterested he seems to be - and how upsetting it is to her - perhaps she could do it via a heartfelt letter..

It's nothing you - as her mother - can "fix" - so she would be better off addressing these issues with dad, not you..

 

[hopemax]

I had a good relationship with my Dad growing up, no divorce or anything like that. But when I went to college, and I would call, we would struggle to fill 10 minutes of conversation in a weekly phone call. Neither of us were really "talkers," we're both naturally quiet people. It got better for both of us and now that I am in my 30's we can talk to each other 3 or 4 times a week for an hour each time.

I would encourage your daughter to keep sharing. Maybe say something like, "I know I'm talking a lot, I'm not bothering you, am I?" I've had people that say that to me, since I am quiet, and that is an opportunity for me to smile, and say, "I like listening to you."

 

[LindaR]

Well, I have been divorced for 18+ years. DD20 always wanted and TRIED to have a relationship with her dad. I did NOT interfere! He really could not be bothered. He never initiated calls/visits, it was always her.

Well, eventually she tired of being the only one showing any effort. She no longer "bothers" with him.

If the OP's ex cannot be bothered to try, he will reap what he sows. His choice. His problem.

We can't "fix" everything for everyone. Let it go......

 

[Wishing on a star]

I know it is easy to say... that's how he has always been... that's how some people are (especially, men, IMHO....)

But, am I not the only one who sees such an inability to communicate with loved ones as a true problem???? Am I not the only one who thinks that perhaps these people have some 'issues' that should be addressed.

While I know that the father here is not going to change anytime soon... I would not be so quick to brush it off like it is okay. I would agree with the DD that it is an issue, and is not her problem for feeling 'hurt'.

You always hear about how important the father daughter relationship can be when young woman start to date and choose a partner. I actually think it is a good thing that she feels hurt by this, and is not thinking 'this is okay', 'this is just the way it is', or even yet, as I have heard is fairly common, find a man who is the same way, and then try to 'fix' the issue with them that was unfixable in the father.

Ohhhh, I know this sounds like psychological bull-malarky.... And I am making NO assumptions about how the daughter might deal with this in her life... But, I do honestly think that there is often some truth behind these ideas.

 

[Topper]

Your DD is old enough that she should be talking this over with her dad.. (And even more so because there is a divorce involved..)

If she doesn't feel comfortable sharing face to face how disinterested he seems to be - and how upsetting it is to her - perhaps she could do it via a heartfelt letter..

It's nothing you - as her mother - can "fix" - so she would be better off addressing these issues with dad, not you..

is this "at the lake" advice or does it work for city advice?

 

[C.Ann]

is this "at the lake" advice or does it work for city advice?

---------------

Both..

My children had "issues" with their dad (my first DH) and once they were old enough, I felt they needed to handle it on their own with him - one on one.. Although the answers weren't necessarily the ones they wanted, they came from him - "right from the horses mouth", so to speak.. At that point they were able to move forward with their lives - based on the results of those conversations and/or letters - knowing they had tried their best and he just wasn't interested.. I'll never understand how a "dad" can be like that, but I've seen many who are..

 

[Pollito916]

I can totally relate to your daughter. I have been going through a similar situation with my father (parents divorced at 12) since high school when regular visitation ended due to my getting a job on weekends.

I hope things work out for your daughter better than they have for me so far. My sister still has some relationship with our father, but she initiates all contact and still frequently gets crushed by disappointment from him. Which is why I gave up.

It's just the way some people are. If your daughter works hard enough at it, she may be able to maintain a relationship with her father, but it will probably be up to her to do so if he is much like my father.