My 23- year old daughter is Hurting over an ex-boyfriend

[JanetRose]

who is still a close friend of hers - i guess one of her friends is trying to date him now and my daughter feels bad because she has to witness it.

her ex-boyfriend doesn't understand why she feels hurt. i'm going to tell her that if she still has feelings for him, maybe they could get back together and if not, this is just something that happens - it's part of life.

i just wanted to get other feelings about this.

 

[Christine]

Well, if she still has feelings for him, she should probably let him know and then he will know why she is uncomfortable. Honesty is not a bad thing is this situation.

If her motives are that she doesn't really want a relationship with him but doesn't want anyone else to either, then she needs to get past that.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I think if there was a chance they would get back together...he wouldnt' be dating the friend....
My opinion is this other girl isn't much of a friend, regardless of how long they have been broken up.. If it hurts her..she needs to back away from both of them
Sometimes, even if you dont' want to be with that person, you'll always have feelings for them that will continue to be hurt when kept in the picture...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Looks like she'll be seeing less of her close friend.

Now's probably a good time for her to find other interests. Maybe it will be the thing that puts her on the path to something really great.

Sorry she's hurting. We've probably all been there at one time or another.

 

[Christine]

My opinion is this other girl isn't much of a friend, regardless of how long they have been broken up..

I'd hate to judge the friend too harshly without knowing all the details. Sure if the friend knew that she had still had feelings for ex-BF and that their breakup didn't end well, then the friend is no good.

But, some people break up, claim they have no feelings--it's over, done with, it doesn't matter, etc. I don't always think that if you dated someone that person is necessarily off limits to friends down the line. It really just depends on the situation.

 

[Sparx]

this is exactly why many exes have trouble being "just friends." perhaps some time away from him would be good for her. if she isn't over the relationship, seeing him every day is not helping. especially if he is over the relationship, and is dating other people.

 

[LoraJ]

I feel for your DD.
I've been there. Sometimes, even though you break up with them, that does not mean that you are over them. You know it won't work out. It may bug you that they are dating someone else at some point, but it helps you to move on. However, if it is a friend from yours, I guess it depends on the person. To me, it is just not cool unless the friend asks you how you feel about it first.

I had tried to stay friends with some ex-bf's in the past. Never really worked out, especially when they would start seeing someone else.

 

[WhateverLolaWants]

Sounds like this other girl really isn't a friend. That is the cardinal rule of female friends - never date anyone's ex. I've never stayed friends with my ex's and sometimes I think that is the only way to go. The only way to completely get over someone in a quicker manner is to not have them in your life, sadly. Also, I don't think it's necessarily that your daughter still has feelings for him, but it might be more of she misses how their relationship was when it was good.

 

[sunnyday123]

I'd hate to judge the friend too harshly without knowing all the details. Sure if the friend knew that she had still had feelings for ex-BF and that their breakup didn't end well, then the friend is no good.

But, some people break up, claim they have no feelings--it's over, done with, it doesn't matter, etc. I don't always think that if you dated someone that person is necessarily off limits to friends down the line. It really just depends on the situation.

You should never date a friends ex. Unless you don't care about the friendship.

 

[redlight]

I feel sympathy for your daughter.

 

[manning]

How strange love can be,

I have a 2nd cousin going to college now. Before he went off to college he considered breaking up with his girlfriend thinking it would be best for both as she was in her last year of high school and he would be away He didn't do it because he didn't want to hurt here.

A year later she graduates HS and goes off to another college. Guess what. At mid-term exams she decides to break it off with him.

The strange thing is he is bummed out about it. We all told him he should be happy. It must be that male pride.

 

[FireDancer]

I don't always think that if you dated someone that person is necessarily off limits to friends down the line. It really just depends on the situation.

I tend to agree with this. One of my best friends married someone I dated. I was in their wedding, babysit their son, have gone on vacation with them, and never begrudged their relationship. They are just a better fit then we ever were. I would never ask a friend of mine not to date someone I dated, that just seems selfish to me.

 

[smidgy]

I agree with the "cardinal rule" . in high school, etc. everyone "dates around" by age 23, it's more serious. you should really try hard NOT to date a friend's ex. It's too hurtful. there's plenty other people to date. besides, your true friend is supposed to be the one who assures you that your ex's new girl is not NEAR as pretty (smart, sexy, etc) as you!
I knew someone whose exhusband married her sister...ouch!

 

[PaulaSB12]

I tend to agree with this. One of my best friends married someone I dated. I was in their wedding, babysit their son, have gone on vacation with them, and never begrudged their relationship. They are just a better fit then we ever were. I would never ask a friend of mine not to date someone I dated, that just seems selfish to me.

I have to agree a cardinal rule? More like dog in the manger I won't date you so I will stop you dating someone you want to date?

 

[wilma-bride]

I feel for your daughter; relationships (even 'ex' relationships) are hard.

Although it's hard to say without being in possession of all the facts, I would say that it can sometimes be a case of 'I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either'. No offense to your DD but I hope this isn't the case.

Unless this boy still has feelings for her (which sounds unlikely since he is dating someone else), i think your DD needs to leave well alone.

Big hugs for her though

 

[shortbun]

I would not have dated a friend's ex for any reason. It's just tacky. I guess if there was just this vibe that would not go away and I thought they were THE one...but I'd really have a clear talk with my friend prior to dating their ex. These two didn't have the class to hide it from her for a while until they knew it was a good relationship?

 

[Christine]

In general, I agree with the cardinal rule too; however, I need more information which is why I didn't want to rush to judge.

First, how serious was the relationship with the ex-boyfriend?

What were the terms of the breakup?

Most importantly--is this "friend" a real friend or is she an acquaintance? At 23, I knew a lot of women that I called "friends" but probably 2 or 3 of them were my good friends. The others were just acquaintances or hangin' out buddies. I think in that case it's would be weird to have a gripe about that. I still think at 23 people have these circles of friends and that's what those groups are for--interacting and meeting people and making connections. If you date someone in that group, break up, and then everyone is off limits at that point--well that's just very selfish. Having said that, I would not be happy if one of my really good friends dated a guy who ripped my heart in two.

 

[kellyg403]

I personally would not date the 'ex' of a friend. I actually value my friendships more that I would value a relationship based on 'maybe'. Dating is all about 'maybe' for me. Maybe it would work out, maybe we are soul mates, maybe we are in love...blah blah. My friends have been there through thick and thin so there are no maybe's involved.

Then again..are they bff's? Or just acquantinces? There could be so much more that we don't know about the particular situation. Maybe she told this friend that it was o.k., she was over him but chose to reveal it in private to you that she still cares for the boyfriend. Maybe she knows its over for him but not so much for her and she is trying to get over it. Or maybe like another posted...it could be a case of not wanting anyone else to have him. Just a normal reaction if there are feelings still involved.

I am sorry she is hurting. But, you know. It is a good thing that she recognizes it and is trying to fix it within herself. Even if the old boyfriend comes calling, she will be over it and more able to handle any relationship they have..like friendship if she chooses.

Kelly

 

[RadioNate]

There are too many unknowns here. Did she break up with him or did he dump her?

How serious was this relationship.

Cardinal rule? Seriously? If they are my EX, why do I care who dates them. If my friend (and I doubt this is a BFF) wants to date the loser, who am I to stop them?

This is why you shouldn't stay 'good friends' with an ex boyfriend. If you are still 'good friends' your relationship isn't over.

If the the DD is good friend's with the girl she needs to talk to her about her feelings for the guy or talk to the guy about getting back together.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like this is a case of I don't want him...but I like that he still wants me and now that he is moving on I don't like that.

 

[Christine]

There are too many unknowns here. Did she break up with him or did he dump her?

How serious was this relationship.

Cardinal rule? Seriously? If they are my EX, why do I care who dates them. If my friend (and I doubt this is a BFF) wants to date the loser, who am I to stop them?

This is why you shouldn't stay 'good friends' with an ex boyfriend. If you are still 'good friends' your relationship isn't over.

If the the DD is good friend's with the girl she needs to talk to her about her feelings for the guy or talk to the guy about getting back together.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like this is a case of I don't want him...but I like that he still wants me and now that he is moving on I don't like that.