Mother's Day... anyone else dread it?

[gabrismom]

The first mother's day I celebrated as a Mom was just awful. My MIL insisted that her sons take her to Church and then to brunch. My 4 month old and I were not invited. (Same thing happened to my SIL that year as well and she was a new mom to twins.) It was simply awful. My own Mother lives half way around the world from me and my only living grandma is far too so I don't have an option to see them. After that I had a long talk with dh and I said I never wanted to go through that again. So, now Dh takes MIL out for lunch around Mother's day and the actual day is mine. For several years after she tried to pull the same crap but dh stood up to her. I now enjoy the one day where it is just our little family unit. The kids take great pride in making homemade cards for me and the oldest has started attempting breakfasts. It is a special day for us and we make our own memories. I no longer focus on that awful Mother's day b/c I think of all the special ones my kids help to create. We do the same with father's day too.
* I should also add that dh has brothers, two of which live in town and do not have families of their own, so she has the opportunity to see them that day if she chooses. My own Mother and grandma do not have any family where they live so they spend the day alone and that is very hard for me.

I feel for anyone who has to experience any sort of holiday without a family member they want to be with. I also feel for those who have crappy feelings come up at that time for other reasons. Holidays seem to amp up good and bad feelings at those times of year.

 

[Randi]

It's no longer a happy day for me. My oldest son died 16 yrs ago at age 29 & his brother died 2 yrs ago at 38. Am I still a mother, can one be a mother without children anymore?

My youngest son was on oxygen 24/7 for the last 5 yrs of his life, and couldn't drive anymore. It hurt so much when he wished me Happy Mother's day & then apoligized because he couldn't get me anything even a card. I always told him that his being with me was all the gifts I ever wanted.

I would give anything to have them both with me again.

 

[kimmar067]

Huh? What in the world are you talking about? Who's trying to be funny or cute?

.... just a lurker here, but I was trying to figure that out myself...

 

[kimmar067]

It's no longer a happy day for me. My oldest son died 16 yrs ago at age 29 & his brother died 2 yrs ago at 38. Am I still a mother, can one be a mother without children anymore?....

...ABSOLUTELY!!! Did you give birth to them, or raise them, or nurture them, or see to their needs?? Then, YES, my friend, you have earned that right...

 

[simba20]

What I can't stand is that my in-laws EXPECT us to do something for them (even if it's just a card) each year. Yes, they are happy with a card, but it's all the calls and hints that we get that those days are coming us (mainly from my FIL) that bug the crap out of me.

My FIL is my husbnad's step-father. He and my MIL were married 12 years ago. I've been in the family longer than he has. Anyway he always LETS US KNOW short of a threat that we better AT LEAST send MIL a card. My husband has been a VERY good son his entire life and would NEVER forget to do something for his mother. But EVERY year we are treated as though we are 2 and reminded "Mother's Day is coming soon......."

My husband also has a step-mother. OMG the jealousy that erupts even at Christmas if we dare do soemthign for her or buy her a present, we also never hear the end of that.

Then this Father's Day is going to be really hard on my husband as my other FIL (yes I had two) died unexpectedly from pancratic cancer in April. He felt sick in January, got really bad and was int he hospital for three weeks in Feb/March, started chemo, and then went downhill and passed away at the beginning of April. Needless to say, with FIL#2's antics/reminders/hints, it will be very difficult for him this year. A few years ago hubster's step-father counted the amount of presents that gusbter was giving him vs his father. He got ticked off that husbter's father received one more. Yes, FIL#2 is petty an childish.

And then there is me. My father passed away when I was 21, so for a number of years now I have gone without having a dad to celebrate. My dad was great, I was Daddy's little girl, and my dad and I got along well. My father's death was unexpected (he passed away while my mom and I were out running errands and my brother found him passed out on the living room floor). I don't dwell and not having my dad, to me it's like he's gone on a trip, but FIL#2 really needs to learn to put things into persepctive.

One year we made the mistake of buying small gifts, the next year he ranted about not getting anything. Three years ago, we got everybody in the family digital picture frames (their was a joint gift) and he ranted about how my husband should have AT LEAST bought his mother something just from him (her son).

We can never win.

I'm not even going to go into the fact that they get to have more time with my daughter than my mom does....that's a whole 'nother thread (they both live an equal distance away from us). My mom is coming to Disney with us for part of our trip....and the jealously has already started from FIL#2.

 

[SaraJayne]

What is wrong with some people?

Those of you brimming with joy might want to go and start your own thread. You are not funny, you are not cute, whatever you are could you go be that somewhere else? Like the old Motley Crue song goes "Don't go away mad....."

You asked a question, people answered it.

No, I don't dread Mother's Day (I enjoy it), but I realize for some people, it's a hard day.

 

[Metsfan520]

It's no longer a happy day for me. My oldest son died 16 yrs ago at age 29 & his brother died 2 yrs ago at 38. Am I still a mother, can one be a mother without children anymore?

My youngest son was on oxygen 24/7 for the last 5 yrs of his life, and couldn't drive anymore. It hurt so much when he wished me Happy Mother's day & then apoligized because he couldn't get me anything even a card. I always told him that his being with me was all the gifts I ever wanted.

I would give anything to have them both with me again.

 

[MnMomtoboys]

It's no longer a happy day for me. My oldest son died 16 yrs ago at age 29 & his brother died 2 yrs ago at 38. Am I still a mother, can one be a mother without children anymore?

My youngest son was on oxygen 24/7 for the last 5 yrs of his life, and couldn't drive anymore. It hurt so much when he wished me Happy Mother's day & then apoligized because he couldn't get me anything even a card. I always told him that his being with me was all the gifts I ever wanted.

I would give anything to have them both with me again.

I am so sorry about your loss. And yes you will always be a Mother.

I'm sorry you feel this way OP. I've lost my Mother 10 years ago. I miss her everyday but she is always with me.

 

[ols386]

It's no longer a happy day for me. My oldest son died 16 yrs ago at age 29 & his brother died 2 yrs ago at 38. Am I still a mother, can one be a mother without children anymore?

My youngest son was on oxygen 24/7 for the last 5 yrs of his life, and couldn't drive anymore. It hurt so much when he wished me Happy Mother's day & then apoligized because he couldn't get me anything even a card. I always told him that his being with me was all the gifts I ever wanted.

I would give anything to have them both with me again.

I'm so sorry.

Of course you are still a mother.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Sorry for what you are going through, LuvOrlando.

You too, Randi. It sounds so hard.

 

[lecach]

I dont necessarily dread it, but I dont like that it's assumed that Mothers Day is all about OUR Mom's - and not really about ME. I am a Mother but that's really sort of not even recognized. My Mom is out of town this year and SIL is planning a cookout for Mothers Day so that she and DH can honor their Mom. That's cool. But when do I get to be the focus of the day? I know this sounds really childish. But every year I make a big deal out of Fathers Day for my DH and I just want the same treatment.

I did tell DH that I would like to go out to Brunch. He said we could go to Brunch (just the 3 of us) and then do his Mom's for dinner. Which is cool but makes for a long day.

 

[kimmar067]

I dont necessarily dread it, but I dont like that it's assumed that Mothers Day is all about OUR Mom's - and not really about ME. I am a Mother but that's really sort of not even recognized. My Mom is out of town this year and SIL is planning a cookout for Mothers Day so that she and DH can honor their Mom. That's cool. But when do I get to be the focus of the day? I know this sounds really childish. But every year I make a big deal out of Fathers Day for my DH and I just want the same treatment.

I did tell DH that I would like to go out to Brunch. He said we could go to Brunch (just the 3 of us) and then do his Mom's for dinner. Which is cool but makes for a long day.

...off-topic, but at the comment in your siggie....you've GOT to subscribe to this:

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2316671

 

[mumom95]

Uggh, I can't stand this time of year. The period between Mother's Day and Father's day pulls my childhood & general realities about my family tree way closer to my conscious mind than I like it to be. This state of being just isn't good and it seems I am always stepping off a cliff and free-falling into such a sad place, clawing my way back up to normal only to do it all over again. Sometimes a song will set me off, other times a conversation, still others when my own head just flat out betrays me but the worst has got to be when I am out shopping and see a woman my age obviously taking her older Mom out shopping.

Exhausting...

Sorry to be a downer but I just have to let it out. I try not to talk to my DH about this, he just thinks I should be over it by now, he gets mad and/or frustrated he can't 'fix it' so I keep it to myself but I don't get how he expects me to be over it? How do you get over stuff like this? I just don't think people do, they move on and they deal with it in healthy ways but it's always there... like a usually ignored chair off in a corner where you sit from time to time and see the world from a different point of view. I hate this stupid chair.

For the record, I'll be ok, I know this will pass... I'm just not ok right now.

I completely understand how you feel. Especially the part about never really getting over it. You learn how to deal with it in a healthy way, but this time of year it just makes it that more difficult. I hate that stupid chair too.

You are not alone . And it will be over in a couple of months, just keep reminding yourself of that. If you want to PM me and just let it all out, feel free. I know exactly where you are coming from.

 

[oldbay]

I completely understand how you feel. Especially the part about never really getting over it. You learn how to deal with it in a healthy way, but this time of year it just makes it that more difficult. I hate that stupid chair too.

You are not alone . And it will be over in a couple of months, just keep reminding yourself of that. If you want to PM me and just let it all out, feel free. I know exactly where you are coming from.

Respectfully I disagree, you can remove the chair in the room. You just have to deal with the consequences of removing it. That is the hard part, imo.

 

[luvsJack]

It's no longer a happy day for me. My oldest son died 16 yrs ago at age 29 & his brother died 2 yrs ago at 38. Am I still a mother, can one be a mother without children anymore?

My youngest son was on oxygen 24/7 for the last 5 yrs of his life, and couldn't drive anymore. It hurt so much when he wished me Happy Mother's day & then apoligized because he couldn't get me anything even a card. I always told him that his being with me was all the gifts I ever wanted.

I would give anything to have them both with me again.

Mother's Day is good for me but Father's day is hard. I really miss my father but I have tried to make new traditions for the day and make the day all about my dh and fil.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

I am sorry.
My mother left my brother and I so I cannot tell you when the last time I had a mom to celebrate the day with at least 25 years. It sucks to see other people out with their mom or hearing about their moms and my mom just lives in another state choosing not to see or talk to us.
I do have my kids and that is what saves my day
Plus I realized just because I don't celebrate it with my mom dosen't mean I can't with other moms. I send cards to my aunts, cousins and friends

Randi I am sorry. We lost our second son. You will always be a mom.

 

[Robinrs]

It's no longer a happy day for me. My oldest son died 16 yrs ago at age 29 & his brother died 2 yrs ago at 38. Am I still a mother, can one be a mother without children anymore?

My youngest son was on oxygen 24/7 for the last 5 yrs of his life, and couldn't drive anymore. It hurt so much when he wished me Happy Mother's day & then apoligized because he couldn't get me anything even a card. I always told him that his being with me was all the gifts I ever wanted.

I would give anything to have them both with me again.

Hey, once a Mom always a MOM!

I'm so sorry for your losses. God bless you...MOM.

 

[bigbabyblues]

Mother's Day makes me sad. My grandparents raised me, and up until 6 years ago, I always went to a mother/daughter dinner with my grandma. It was something she always loved to do. That's where I told her I was pregnant with DS1, and I think she told everyone in the room. She now has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home, so she obviously can't go.

I know I can visit her, and I probably will, but I hate it. She doesn't speak anymore (has had several mini strokes), most of the time she doesn't even seem to know we're in the room. It breaks my heart to see her, and I know I'll cry for awhile afterwards, but I feel bad if I don't.

 

[missypie]

I'm a mother's day hater. The solution is to plan something to do that is fun. Last year I bought tickets to a matinee of Rent. Go ao a movie and buy popcorn (or whatever you indulgance is.) Get a banana split. Do something you enjoy.

I know a woman whose husband died on her birthday. Someone gave her great advice that she had to reclaim her birthday as her birthday. Now she goes on a fun trip every year for her birthday.

 

[Buckalew11]

Well, I don't know the answer to my question but I'll comment anyway. If you lost your mom, I'm very sorry. My mom lost her mom back in '77 and says you never get over it.
I lost a bit of my mom when my dad passed on so I feel a big loss even though I still have her.

If you all are just not speaking and the whole idea of Mother's day is painful, I am still sorry and hope that somehow, some way, the relationship might get better. As long as one is still alive there is always some kind of hope. If there's alzheimer's or dementia involved, that is tragic too. There must be some type of hope that deep down in that brain/memory there is some connection that might not come out verbally or whatever.

Whatever the reason for your heartache, I hope the day is better than you think.

I'm a believer in "adopting" others in our lives to celebrate. While I'll miss my dad every single day and esp. on Father's day, I choose to celebrate another man who is a *type of father* in my life. Not a replacement--just someone to celebrate.