"Mom Threats" (silly, funny-nonsensical ones)

[camreesmom]

My Mom's famous saying was, "I'm standing on my head eating a peach." She always said this when we'd ask the really obvious "Hey Mom! What are you doing?", usually while she was cooking, vaccuuming, or doing something else really obvious.

DH always says "Fishing" when we ask what are you doing. I can call him at work and say, "Hi, whatcha doing?" and he'll say "Fishing."

 

[RNMOM]

I used to "rip off you arm and beat you with the bloody end" when they were a little older.

I found a way to make them settle down in the car...I put one of my quick buttons on an a local station that played polkas. If they were getting out of hand I hit that button and blasted them. They usually began screeching and covering their ears but got the message pretty quick. We all ended up laughing and settled down.

When they would ask me where we were going I always say..."crazy, wanna come along?"

 

[Alex2kMommy]

My aunt used to tell us that she was going to rip our arm off and beat us with it....

Is your aunt Faye? My friend Faye said that to an obnoxious child in the grocery store check-out line, and my DH thought it was so funny he now uses it on our children.

I also often say:
"DS6, does my couch/bed look like a trampoline? Well, then stop jumping on it! Furniture is for sitting/sleeping, not jumping!"

"Do I look like a tree/jungle gym? Then please stop climbing me!"

"You know, when you speak to me in that whiney voice, it hurts my ears and is hard to understand. I really don't want to give you anything when you talk like that."

When DS was younger and getting a bit rowdy, DH used to tell him that he was going to eat him. This usually wound up in a giggling wrestling match between the two, with DH nibbling on DS's toes. One day DS (maybe 4yo?) must have been having a bad day, because when DH said he would just eat DS, DS burst into tears and shrieked, "You can't eat me, because I'm a person, and persons are not food!" That shut Daddy up for awhile...

Now when Daddy tries to pull that, DS6 says, "Daddy, eat DS2!" So much for protecting his little brother...

 

[luckymommy]

I tell them "I'm gonna pinch your head off and throw it at you!" Got it from a teacher I had.

I use the Bs, too, but that's at school for tattling: "If it's not blood, broken bones, or barfing, I don't want to hear about it." We recently added bullying to the B list.

I use the 3 B's in my class too! Blood, Barf or 'Bout to die.... the kids love it....they think its hilarious!

 

[Serena]

I'm gonna beat you!

I'm going to take you out back and hang you up by your toenails.

If you don't go to sleep I'm going to knock you out.

They just laugh at me.

 

[robertsmom]

When DS is acting up, I threaten to sell him to the gypsies.

TOV

I use this one too! And then he usually says "They wouldn't want me!"

 

[megan4777]

I've been telling DD#1 (3) that she needs to "find a hobby" for about 1.5 yrs.
She would just be right there while I was in the bathroom and I finally said, "could you go find a hobby, please?" She took right off looking for a hobby...repeating, "find a hobby...find a hobby."

Obviously she didnt' know what she was looking for, which worked to my advantage. She would eventually come back and tell me, "where is hobby, mama?"

Now that she's 3 she knows when she's pushing it with me and will just say to me, "Ok, time to go find a hobby," and go to the other room.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

I just thought of another one, something my grandmother used to say to my sister and I. If we started crying for no good reason (pitching a fit, whatever) she would lean over, cup her hand to her ear and say, "You should cry a little louder. I can't heeeeeeeaaaaarrr you!"

I do the same thing whenever DS pitches a fit, that or "Go ahead, pitch a fit. I don't care."


TOV

 

[goofyshell]

My mom always used to threaten to go out into the street naked and scream when we started driving her nuts.

When my kids started whining or tattling (you know, Moooom) I always tell them there's no one here by that name or that mom moved.

 

[Keli]

Whenever my twin or I would start complaining about something my mom would sing this stupid song "We are the twins known as whimper and whine, whimper and whine, whine, whine". I think it was from either seaseme street or the electric company.

Oh my, that used to drive both of us crazy! We'd start in whining about how we weren't whining, lol. Mom thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing, she'd just grin while we fussed.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I will tell my kids if they don't hurry up and get ready to go--"I'm gonna lock you in the closet and go by myself"

When they ask what's for dinner----"Food"--I know that,but what kind of food----"Regular food"-----What kind of regular food---"People food"---Is it coming out of the freezer or a box----"Both"----What's coming out of the freezer---"Meat"---.....I can go on for awhile!

DD4 asked me that the other day and DD8 told her to forget it I wasn't going to give an answer and that she(DD8) had never been able to find out and
that she(DD4) just needed to start watching me like she (DD8) did to figure it out

 

[Steamboat Marti]

I have a couple that were handed down in my family:


To DS8 when he was acting up; best used in a public place:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"


DS8 Mom, Mom, Mom, Mooooommmmmmm,

"Sorry, you have reached Mom's answering machine. Please leave a message at the beep"


"Go play in traffic" morphed into "can I play in the fast lane mom, please??"

and last, but not least:

"thank you for playing our game, please pick up your parting gifts at the door"

To this day DS doesn't know what that means, but he leaves me alone!

 

[KerriSue]

When they ask what's for dinner----"Food"--I know that,but what kind of food----"Regular food"-----What kind of regular food---"People food"---Is it coming out of the freezer or a box----"Both"----What's coming out of the freezer---"Meat"---.....I can go on for awhile!

I use this one all the time...it makes my kids soooooooo mad.


My DS is sooooo lazy he thinks that when I have him clean his room that it is child abuse. He sometimes threatens to call social services because it is so wrong to make kids clean, especially when it is summer break. I just laugh and tell him I dial for him

 

[Caropooh]

I tell DD's (and sometimes DH) that they are going to run out of words some day. DD7 especially, finds the need to be constantly talking sometimes.
I tell her that some day she is going to be mid-sentence and POOF, no more words will come out of her mouth. She has used up her allotement!

 

[Kristi1357]

I tell DS3 all the time that I am going to sell him on ebay. DH & I are always telling each other "baby for sale!" when DS acts up. (yes, he's not a baby, but this started years ago) It's now gotten to the point that if DS knows he being bad, he starts saying "baby for sale!"

My Dad was famous for "do as I say, don't do as I do."