Miss my dad...4 months later...

[acomasdiaz]

I was always daddy's little girl. My mom and dad had each been married before and had kids of their own but I was the only one they had together. My dad was much older that mom (over 20 years). My dad was 57 when I born so all my life I remember him always saying that he wanted to be there to see me graduate high school. Then it was to see me graduate college, then to see me get married, then to see me have kids. Well, he got to see all that...so I guess he was ready to go. I, on the hand, was not ready.

My dad passed away two months ago and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. Last September, we went to Disney for labor day with my sister's family for the weekend. On Monday night, my mom called us and told us that she thought we should come back early the next day. So, we did, and we found my dad to be in pretty bad shape. My dad, had been suffering from kidney problems for 10 years and he never wanted to start dialysis. On that day, we were told if he didn't start emergency dialysis he would only make it another couple of days.

He started dialysis by the end of the week. My dad was 88 and dialysis was really hard on him. He decided to stop the dialysis on May 3rd. He simply couldn't take it any more. On Mother's day (May 9th), he told me that he didn't think he had much time. That just broke my heart. This was my dad and I couldn't imagine life without him. On May 17th, he passed away. I stayed with him the last 5 days. I literally sat by his bed for 5 days, day and night. I didn't sleep for more than 3 hours each night because I had a fear that he would pass away while I was sleeping. Every time the nurse moved my heart would stop. I watched him slip away slowly those days. From smiling and saying he was feeling good on Thursday, to telling me he loved me for the last time the next day, to getting no response from him at all the last two days. I was with him when he took his last breath and I will never forget the moment that the strongest man I know, my hero, my dad, left me.

I think about him every day and I miss him more than I thought was humanly possible. I simply can't understand not being able to hear his voice or see his smile or even get a hug from him anymore. I had him for 33 years and can't imagine not having him around anymore.

I can't tell you how much getting to just share this here means to me. My DH, isn't very good with death. When he sees me crying, he doesn't say anything and usually just leaves the room. So, I am alone alot. I have two kids (ages 2 & 5), so they usually acknowledge my crying and say hey miss him too but quickly move on. I know with time it will get easier but that just seems impossible right now...

 

[quasar4legs]

Your post brought tears to my eyes as I can totally relate to the sadness of missing a dad. I remember that 'impossible' feeling you described in the months after my father died, I felt numb and in pain at the same time.

My dad has been gone 16 years and I still long to hear his voice or have cuddle, that feeling of loss never goes away.
For me, time has been a healer and now I try to focus on how blessed I was to have had my dad in my life but I will always miss him.

It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your father and I am truly sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and remember it is OK to have a little cry and to grieve.

If you need to 'talk' we are hear to listen.


Quasar

 

[mommasita]

I am sorry for your loss.

It certainly sounds like you had an amazing father. Nothing can ever take away the memories you have. That will last your lifetime, but one day you will find that you will find some memories to smile about, and every day it will get a little more comforting, and a little less sad. You will rejoice in the great times and memories you have made.

My DH is not good in death or bad times either. I don't think many are, but he is there, and it sounds like you have a very loving family.

I hope the road gets a little easier for you. You can always come here anytime to share your feelings, or anything else you would like to talk about.

 

[PebblesMK]

Oh goodness, you sure do know how to tug at heartstrings. My grandma fell on May 9, and started talking about death (she had alzheimers so she never really talked to any of us), I too sat by her bed every day as she weakened and got worse. The only time I wasn't by her, was the day she took her last breath, surrounded by her kids. This was 10 days after your dad, she was 88 as well. It's insanely hard and I can't imagine what you are going through. My pain is only with my grandma-if it were my dad, I'd be lost.

I know that we're essentially a bunch of strangers, but so many have been through similar experiences and can be supportive and give you hope and understanding when you can't find it at home. My heart breaks for you, it will get easier in time, but until then, we're a big community of shoulders to cry on and whatever else you need us for. My prayers go out to your family and especially to you.

 

[snoopybabe]

I am very sorry for your loss.

My Dad has been gone 8 years and I still miss him. As pp has said time does make it easier. Allow yourself to cry but remember the memories you have. Your dad was blessed to have such a caring daughter.

 

[Disney Daddy et al]

Celebrate your Fathers life and memory every chance you get. He lives on in you and your children. Grief work is essential in dealing with loss. Find a way that works best for you. I prefer writing but if all else fails listen to the following and remember that your Father's love is always with you.

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done

Some say eat or be eaten
Some say live and let live
But all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

 

[minniebeth]

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sure that it is still hard each day. I hope that you are able to heal a little bit more as time goes on.

I know it never seems like enough when we love someone so dearly, but how wonderful it was for your dad to be able to share in those wonderful milestones in your life with you. The love in those memories will help carry you through your grief.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers

 

[DipsyDoodles]

It was very hard when my dad's passed as well. I spoke with him every day as I was driving home from work and I know he always looked forward to those phone calls as did I. I wish I would have know how important they were at the time. I still think about him daily and from time to time almost dial his number on my way home on instinct. It does get easier, it does but it takes time. My dad was only 67 and his death was sudden although he had health issues. I miss him everyday but he wouldn't want me to be sad when remembering he would want me to be happy so I try and live my life and make him proud. Hopefully he is watching over me.

 

[acomasdiaz]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. It will be 4 months this Friday that my dad passed away. I sill can't believe it though. Sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere that he is gone. I seem to relive those last days of his life a lot. I miss him so much and still can't comprehend how I just can't go and see him or talk to him whenever I want.

Just the other day, I was asked if I could wish for one thing what would it be. Normally, I would have said a trip to Italy or something. Now, I said, I wish I could have one last lunch with my dad. We could sit at the table and have his delicious white bean soup and just talk...That's the only wish I would want right now.

 

[minniebeth]

acomasdiaz, I truly understand how you feel about how you look at life differently after the loss of your dear father. Those memories are special and I know many would trade things in life that used to be important to them for those moments back.

My mom is in the most advanced phase of Parkinson's Disease and is in hospice, but even though she is still physically present, I have lost "her" a long time ago. I long for those special moments we spent together sharing things we loved, or picking up the phone and hearing her say I love you.
I would trade anything for that, so I feel your sadness.

I'm thinking of you~

 

[brenalexacamp]

There is nowhere I would have rather been the last days than right at my dad's side- we lost our mother 3 years earlier. But those last days play over and over- August was a year and although I don't cry every day now and I can talk about him and be happy-I saw a kid in the waiting room the other day- his papa had a hat on-stitching said Papa. My dad LIVED in his Papa hat- he was SO proud of his grandchildren! He did everything with them and took them everywhere! I LOST it- I cried the whole time I cleaned the kid's teeth- just about composed myself and had to walk him out and see his Papa again- I lost it again and when I told my DH later- I cried, I told a friend, I cried. so silly but it hit me bad!

You need to allow yourself to cry and be sad- and do things your own way because everything is different now- doesn't have to be bad but it will be different. You don't know how a holiday or a song or a photo will hit you. It's ok to cry. I though father's day was going to be aweful. Turns out I missed him like he couldn't come to my house that day because of a storm or something- when I thought about it I didn't cry/ache for him because if he was here, we would have spent father's day like any other sunday- bbq, he would skim my pool, have a few cold beers, a few giggles, watch a game with my dh-give my kids their weekly allowance from papa! it wasn't regret. If you need to take your dh with you for counseling, so he can hear it takes a long time to grieve, that crying is normal, and then you cry for all the things that won't happen. I still do that - probably always will.