MIL vent

[binny]

so my MIL called tonight they are coming to visit. The original date was Canadian Thanksgiving, fine I cleared my calendar, now it will be a week later. ok I can deal with that.
THEN she says well bf has planne dthis while thing and he wants you to take Cam out of school for that Friday. *sigh* ok I guess I can do taht. AND he wants THanksgiving dinner on Staurday. ok........

SO then she says " I will go out and buy all the fixings and cook Thanksgiving at your house!"


HUH??????

OK my MIL and I have a rocky relationship to begin with but I have been getting really a LOT better about dealing with her. now however Im steaming!!

YES I know it was a nice gesture and all. Yes I realize she's being generous BUT Its MY brand new house and I want to cook dinner for them. I said " Oh you dont have to do that I would love to cook for you" very diplomatic dont you think? shes says " NO NO I insist *I* will cook dinner!" THEN she said ( knowing that we will be moving in just before they get here) " We will help you unpack and EVERYTHING, just hand me a box!"


OK I KNOW Im being petty go ahead and let me have it I just have to get this off my chest! Its just another one of those you cant do anything to my standards routine.

Ok I feel much better.
Thanks for listening.

 

[caitycaity]

i know how you feel, eventhough it is not always over rational things, my mil can drive me up a wall.

 

[helenabear]

I know how you feel binny. My MIL is... well, she just doesn't listen or understand what I want or why (was that a nice way of putting it? ) {{hugs}} I hope the two of you can work it out before then.

 

[holycow]

Oh don't feel bad for venting! Your entitled to it....some would probably say it is a nice gesture but no one knows her the way you do....I say...
It's your house and do what you dang well want to! ...LOL
(like my opinion counts! LOL)

but I can sympathize....I have 2 mother in laws and they are the most incredibly selfish people I've ever met in my life!

Holycow

 

[SandraC]

You go girl! VENT AWAY! Monster-in-laws can really get you down. Mine is very mellow now that she's old and realizes that I'm the one in control of SHADY PINES and future medication! LOL! But I have 20 years of MIL stories and would shake your new house foundation.

First, you are not being petty at all! Your inner voice is teling you things shouldn't be her way and you are right.

Second, it's your house and you rule!

Little Story: My MIL used to push me around BIG TIME. During dd's baptism she pushed one time too many and I just let her have it! I screamed and yelled in front of the whole family BUT I was in MY HOUSE. WELL! Turns out that was the best thing I could have done. It drew a line in the sand and she knew not to cross it AGAIN! We've been chums ever since.

Don't be afraid to confront her. Listen to your heart. S

 

[Buckalew]

If it was just a friend you'd take it all so differently, maybe?
I know I would...
I have a great MIL and still, she can bug me at times.
I wonder... does she want to cook so it won't be a burden to you or does she want to cook because she thinks she's a better cook than you? That is what I'd be wondering, I guess. And that is probably a big part of the MIL/DIL problem.

Good luck.

 

[Lars624]

{{hugs}] to you....never apologize for a good MIL vent. Sometimes it's nice to know other people have MIL's who make them as as mine makes me, rational or not. My MIL has done some unbelievably insensitive things masked with faux kindness.....I understand.......

 

[binny]

Thank everybody.

No unfortunately she isnt doing it to be nice. This is just her she has to have HER way. She thinks she is the better cook ( ps someone remind me to keep bacon grease in the fridge in October that what she coats the Turkey in she will throw a fit if I dont have any)

I relaly ENJOY cooking for everyone and she knows this. EVERY holiday we lived there she HAD to be the one who cooked we offered to have them over to our house but she only came ONCE.

I dont what the thing is It make me really sad to be honest. I just feel like Im never good enough for her son. THere is A LOT of history here that i wont go into. Just suffice it to say that when we were first married she called me some VERY mean things and then when I called her out on them and things she said to dh she called him in tears and cried " WHy doesnt she like me???"
Im only telling you this so you know that there is a lot of history. I dont want to hurt dh at all. He is the one who winds up hurt and it kills me I will try very hard to swallow my pride and still assert my independence. Pray for me this could be a long visit in October

 

[SandraC]

Don't give her your new address S

 

[Buckalew]

I will pray for you Binny. I feel for you and your DH. I know how it feels to be causght in the middle of relatives who don't care for each other. It hurts.

I would tell her that you'd like to cook Thanksgiving dinner in your new house. You owe it to yourself to be that honest. Maybe she could help you make something or be in charge of a dish.
My only other advice is to ask God for help with her. He knows that everyone is not lovable but he asks us to be loving still. Very hard.

 

[sogger1]

I have never had mother-in-law problems (she died unexpectedly two weeks before we married) so if I am out of line I apologize. Have you considered telling her that since the house would not be in order that you have made a reservation for dinner out? Or you could be creative if your husband will go along, have him turn off the water to the house without their knowledge. Then she won't be able to cook.

 

[Pin Wizard]

Originally posted by SandraC
Don't give her your new address S

ROFL! I like that!! I would want to do my own cooking also. However, if she's offering to unpack boxes...no way! I think I would let her cook and do my unpacking while she's busy with that. If she's unpacking, she'll be telling you where to put things. It's your castle, not hers.

 

[Serena]

{{{hugs}}} binny

Is there any way that you can tell her that it is important to you that you cook dinner this year?
Maybe you can agree to let her do it next year. But if it is important to you, don't let her railroad you. Just smile when you do it.

 

[Chattyaholic]

Communication...Communication....there can never be enough of it in families. Just TALK to her, tell her how important it is to you that YOU be the one to cook Thanksgiving dinner in YOUR NEW HOME... Maybe the two of you could take turns, you cook this year, let her cook next year. Or better yet, go OUT to eat!!!
I wish I still had my MIL, she died two years ago from ALS...she was one terrific lady and I was always proud to call her my MIL.

 

[Amy]

Communication only works if BOTH parties are open and willing to listen. Binny's MIL sounds like mine - totally set in her ways and nothing and nobody is going to get her to change!!

 

[oldkicker]

Your post title caught my funny bone, Binny. When I read "MIL vent", all I could think of was some kind of device, like a smoke vent, that you could install in your house to remove unwanted MIL's.....

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm........

I'm glad you feel better after venting here.

 

[RUDisney]

Every day that goes by is a day closer to you putting flowers on her grave. That is the only thing that gets me through some days with my DH's mother, Satan.

Funny how we're never good enough for their DS, but it was we whom their sons picked. It's not their place to judge us. That's their son's job, so to speak. If they think they'd be better off with their Mommy's, they know where the door is.

My DH tells me all the time that he wouldn't give up our life together to go back to his mother.

The funny thing about wanting to help you put away your stuff is that it's the only way that she'll ever get to see some of the things that you have. When my BIL & SIL went away one time, they had my DH's sister watch their house. When they got home, she critiqued their messages from their answering machine and had gone through all of my SIL's drawers. Probably to make fun of them since they are not all from Benetton or DKNY.

Hmm.. who has it better, you who has to see your MIL, or me who avoids her at all costs?

Remember, with a Thanksgiving dinner, you can prepare alot of the items in advance, even if it's to peel the potatoes and put them in the fridge in water, or get the carrots, green beans, whatever ready for cooking the next day. The only thing that really needs to be made that day is the stuffing that goes into the turkey, if that's your thing, since you aren't supposed to put cold stuffing into a bird due to the cooking time.

Good luck with your dinner.

 

[Antonia]

I have a good mother-in-law. We are friends. She does do things that irritate me sometimes, but I know they are not intentional.
I always try to remind myself that we both dearly love the same man - her son, my husband.
I am the mother of a son and I will be a mother-in-law to his wife someday myself. I try to foster a good relationship with my MIL based on this old saying - "WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND." This is the best advice I could give any woman in dealing with her MIL.

 

[binny]

Thank you all for your support.

The good thing is dh is in my corner, he always is he sees her for what she is and what she has done.


She lives in Canada and for her to come and visit us is a rare occasion in itself. Note that her BF was the one to suggest the trip and make all the plans. We see her maybe once a year which is fine for everyone concerned I can usually handle myself anymore where she is concerned and our relationship is 100% better than it was, this just really got to me. It feels like a major step backwards.

I want to get along with her for my dh and my kids sake. and believe me I TRY.

After thinking about this last night I have decided that I will talk to her and try to explain to her that I really do want to cook as this is my first holiday in my first house and it would mean a lot to me to get to treat HER for a change. How does that sound?

Thanks again for your support everyone Im sorry so many of us have to deal with this issue.

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like a nice way to put it binny. Make sure DH supports you on this, so when his mother calls him crying"why doesn't she like me??" he will be ready with a proper reply. The secret is limit-setting without becoming emotional. It's hard to do. DH has some difficult family members(not MIL, she passed away)and that is the tactic we use. Stay calm, stay cool, stay collected. Decide what you are going to say, and repeat it continuosly until the person stops asking.If your MIL says,"Oh no, I insist. I don't want to make any more work for you" your response should be"I would enjoy cooking the firsat holiday meal in my new home for you.I'd like to treat YOU for a change." If your MIL says,"but I really like to cook" say" But I would enjoy cooking the first holiday in my new home and treating YOU for a change" and no matter what else she says, keep repeating it like a magpie, in a calm, cool, collected voice.

As far as the boxes, either get them put away before she gets there, or hide them in the attic or a spare room and tell her that you're doing it little by little, since unpacking is one of those things that the people who live in the house have to do. Again, just keep repeating it, and maybe add "anyhow, I don't want you to work while you're here. Let's enjoy the time we have to spend together."