MIL vacation advice needed!!! Pleeze!

[FreshTressa]

Here's the story-

My dh's brother is getting married in Hawaii in two weeks. I didn't want to go, but my DH said we could go to Disney World in October with the kids if we went. So, we are going and leaving the kids at home.

We are sharing a hotel and flight with my very intrusive MIL. She has a very loud voice and is insulting and gets between my dh and I all the time. I have no fun when she is around because I spend all my time defending myself or ignoring her inane comments, depending on how generous I am feeling. She is single and poor and hasnt gone on a vacation in 25 years. She is very unhappy and complains constantly and it causes my husband to "go in a shell" to avoid her. Then I am left feeling all alone.

So, anyway, we are spending a couple of thousand dollars to go to Hawaii to this wedding, but it is with my MIL. Another thing is that DH works full time, is editting a book and is getting his masters, so I have spent very little time with him over the past year and really need some time with him. Here are my choices.

1) I would like to drop her off at dh's brother's place in the am so she can spend time with him, since she doesn't get to see him very often while she lives right next to us and we see her all the time. Then we could tour romantically together. She would rather tour with us though. DH would have to tell her that we would prefer to tour alone.

2) Be nice, and take her with us. After all, I do get my Disney trip in October.

3) Spend the day with her, but then drop her off for dinner and tell her we want some romantic time together.

4) Do very athletic things like snorkeling and 8 mile hikes that she can't participate in. Take her with us the first day and wear her out and hopefully she won't want to hang out with us anymore.

5) Anyone have any other ideas???

I am dreading this trip!!! Thanks for your help.

 

[disykat]

I think option 4 is a great idea.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, since you ask!!!

My inlaws, while not exactly the same as your MIL... Can be intrusive, and most DEFINATELY come between my husband and I.

Given the info, that you will be spending $2,000.00 of your hard earned money, as well as the equally precious time off, to go to Hawaii (Hawaii of all places!!!). Also, factor in that this is the one and only time that you can see yourself having some adult alone 'getaway' time with your husband....

Here is my take... This is what I would do.... First, your MIL is not a child!!! You are not 'babysitting' your MIL... You and your Husband should feel completely free to take the time to do whatever you desire. Second, you are not a child! Your DH is not a child! You should not feel that you must have MIL's permission or blessing to take some time to spend together doing whatever it is you would like to do. I suggest a compromise based on the fact that everyone is a reasonable adult.


Your option 1.) Drop MIL off at DH's brothers... Your MIL is not a child.... Do not expect your BIL to babysit her.... He has his own life and WEDDING to contend with! If opportunities work out for them to spend time TOGETHER. by all means.... But, "Drop her off...." Hhhhmmmm??

Your option 2.) Be nice, take her with us.... Well, if the opportunity arises to do some sightseeing 'TOGETHER', etc... by all means! But, "Take 'HER' with 'US'...." You are not babysitting... Hhhhmmm????? Sounds like something you would resent for a loooonnnnng time?

Your option 3.) Spend the day with her, but then tell her you want some "romantic time together...." Why would you need to tell her any such thing? ( A simple, 'see you for breakfast tomorrow', should do....) I would never make any such comment to my inlaws!!! She will put in DOUBLE the effort to see that your DH and YOU either A. do not get one fraction of a second together... and or B. She will come between the two of you (as you mentioned) and be SURE that you are in anything BUT a romantic mood with each other. You do not want to end up in divorce court!

Your option 4.) Take her to do athletic things - wear her out - so she won't want to hang out with you. If I am guessing right... You would NEVER hear the end of that!!! Also, you would be spending mucho time and money on these activities, all the while being miserable because you were dealing with your MIL! Again, she is not a child and you are not babysitting.

Go to HAWAII!!!! Expect to spend some time with your inlaws and your MIL... But, on top of that, EXPECT to spend some wonderful time with your husband!!! (If your DH is not agreeable to seeing to that, then there is a whole different problem....) And, above all, have a WONDERFUL trip!!!

 

[Tuffcookie]

Since your M-I-L lives near you, I vote for #1.

TC

 

[pygmymom]

You are a better woman than I am for even agreeing to go on the trip! Your DH needs to come out of his shell with his mother and intervene, otherwise you shouldn't have to be responsible for your actions....

In lieu of that, I vote for option #6: leave the whole group, hop in a taxi, and treat yourself to some fabulous site seeing and shopping! LOL

Just keep chanting to yourself: Disney, Disney, Disney. You will certainly deserve to go!

Here's hoping despite everything, you have a good time.

 

[Rajah]

Assuming you're going to have multiple days in Hawaii before (or after) the wedding, here's what I'd suggest. Combine number 1 and 2.

Take her with you for a day or two or three (depending on how long you're there), that way she's involved and gets to do some sightseeing as well.

For the rest of the time, let her know you haven't been able to spend much quality time with your DH just the two of you, and you'd really like the opportunity to spend that quality time in one of the most romantic places in the world while you're there so you're going to do some things just the two of you.

What does your DH think?

 

[FreshTressa]

Thanks for your input!

I guess I should point out that she doesn't drive, and she sort of does have to be "babysat" because she really makes poor decisions and, while she is not my favorite person, I wish her no ill will and would not want a disaster to befall her. I am sure she has some sort of mental illness. And she is not married and we are the only people I know that put up with her.

(she doesnt bathe regularly, she doesn't drive, she is bad with money, her house is wall to wall stuff with little aisleways to get to the bathroom and kitchen, I could go on and on, but.....)

My DH doesn't know what to do either. I mean, it is his mother and he does care about her and wants her to have a good time. But on the other hand, he too wants to spend time me alone.

11 days to go!!! and 70 till Disney World.

 

[FreshTressa]

And thanks Rajah, I think that is probably the wisest choice. I am a compassionate person, and don't want to abandon her, annoying as she is, in Hawaii with no way to go sightsee. Compromise should work. I'll let you all know how it goes!!

 

[shortbun]

How about some of all of it. Fist day-take her with you. Find out from your BIL what day it works for him to take his mother. And,
definitely do something athletic like snorkeling so she isn't
interested - Hawaii is full of those kinds of things. Plan ahead
just like WDW. For each day, plan some ME time, some US time
and some WE time. Get a personal CD player and some headphones. Take some really engrossing books and head to the beach alone if need be. Start now practicing relaxation breathing.
My DH turtles around his mother too. I used to resent him for it, now I'm just jealous!! lol

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hello again FreshTressa,

Thanks, that last post does help explain things a little better.

Note: I also had sent you a PM that helped explain my situation with my DH and inlaws.... which of course was where my advice was coming from.... I see that you have not gotten that yet.

If anyone else in the family is involved, other than BIL, then that would be good too... more opportunity for your MIL to be with others besides your DH!

It does sound like a tough situation!!!! But, you know, no matter what the situation is with your MIL... No matter her 'incapacities'... Your DH is not a child, and neither is your MIL... Your DH will have to learn to deal with her problems, and to not let her and her actions affect the way he acts, etc. in any way at all. (like you had described....) It is not good, or fair, for him to subject you (and your precious children) to her actions without being firmly placed between you and her.


All things considered... I hope your trip goes well!!!!

 

[Scarlett & Rhett]

I think your BIL needs to enjoy his mother a little bit.

 

[sherry]

I really feel for you. My mother sounds like she was just like your mother in law! It is a tough situation. I think I would tour with her, and excuse myself for the evening.

 

[4greatboys]

When she starts getting on your nerves bad close you eyes picture yourself at your favorite spot in Disney. It may help get your through that rough spot Good Luck!

 

[dianeschlicht]

I think compromising on all 4 suggestions is a good idea. One day she is with DBIL (have this day be his convenience though), part of each day touring with you,and part of each day for you two to be alone without her. It might have to be a walk on the beach at night or something, but every little bit helps.

You don't say where in Hawaii you are going, and how long you will be there.

If you are going to Waikiki (my least favorite spot in Hawaii), there will be plenty of opportunity to "get away" from her in the evening, depending on where you stay.

If you are on one of the outer islands, which one will definately make a difference. Kauai and the Big Island of Hawaii will be much more relaxing than Maui or Oahu. Sometimes simple things are easier to do than difficult things. There is a great little marine aquarium just north of Waikiki. I love hiking Diamond Head, and the Dole pineapple plantation can be fun. These are all on Oahu, and I assume that is where you are going.

 

[FreshTressa]

Thanks guys, I am feeling so much better. I think I can deal now. And I may just take a novel and spend a day at the beach and let my DH and MIL go do whatever. That would be better than being at home and having them in Hawaii.

BTW-We will be in Maui.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yeah, that's the good attitude!!!

You know, seems like if you go into a situation stressed and feeling negative, that can sometimes make things worse, and just insure that it doesn't work out great.... Surely you will find a little wonderful time with your DH.... So, just don't let anything or anyone else spoil that!!!

Just let whatever happens with your MIL be like water off a duck's back... A few tropical hawaiian drinks may make a difference!!!