MIL... need advice, need to vent...

[LovinPooh]

I have talked this to death to my friends, I need some unbiased input. My MIL has never been a permanent fixture in our lives. Comes around every 3-5 years. Lives 45 minutes away. When she does come around, she makes DH feel 'guilty' for not visiting her. She abandoned him when he was a kid, and he raised himself living with friends. She has chosen the life of drugs/alcohol for years. As i would never let her take my kids when she would come around. Well, its been 5 years since she has seen my kids... DS 13, DD 10, and she shows up out of the blue last weekend. DD wasnt even home, thank god. She started calling herself Grammy to DS. Now he is weirded out. He has a grammy, my mom. He says a grammy is someone who loves you everyday . Now she keeps calling up and asking if she can take my kids on a Friday and bring them back on a Sunday.... I mean, who does she think she is??? DH refuses to let them go with her also. Kids are freaked out, he is freaked out by her. I keep telling him that he needs to talk to her. Tell her Grammy is a title that needs to be earned, by consistent love, not when the 'newness' wears off. I know its his mom, and I am trying my best to deal, to help him deal, and help the kids figure out what this woman is all about. But I dont even know myself. IMO she likes to come around every few years, try and call herself grammy to make herself feel better, and make DH upset for being a 'bad son'. He says he doesnt want to hurt her feelings, but she needs to know that this is not okay. Either stay away, or be consistent. Is that wrong???

 

[soonerfan2008]

I was in a similar position with my MIL--not the drugs/alcohol, but the here today, gone tomorrow attitude. Actually, she regularly disowns each of her children and then picks a new favorite, rinse and repeat.

When our ODD was born, I told her I'd really like her to be part of her life, and I welcomed her with open arms, sent pics, hosted her, etc. I warned her that we were not playing the in/out game with my sweet baby, and if she ever pulled that emotional game with her, we were done. After a year, DH said something that ticked her off, and she cancelled her trip to see us. A couple more things like that happened, and we totally cut her off.

You don't play around with my kids' emotions! Best decision we made-- living without her drama is much better for everyone.

 

[LovinPooh]

I honestly dont understand how people can be like that with their own flesh and blood. DH said last night that he wished she would just stay away and that life would be back to normal. But he doesn want to 'start anything' with her. IMO she started it 13 years ago. Dont know if I say something to her if i am steppign on any toes... thinking if I call her out on the BS with my kids, then that is my business.
Your right, no one messes with my kids emotions. When they were little they didnt really care, but now they are all over this.

I guess in the long run its their loss.

 

[MomRN]

I completely agree with you. In fact, I have been in your shoes to a degree, and have done the same thing.

My mom calls a few times a year and we may see her once a year. Her life is consumed with drugs, drama, and anything that she can do to benefit her. We just keep our distance, are polite, but are hardly family. Same goes with my sister, who didn't fall far from the tree.

With my MIL (my dhs mom) and soon-to-be ex FIL, FIL was cheating but wanted to go back and forth between his wife and girlfriend. At first they both wanted to get offended that I didn't want ds to be around during this, but MIL finally understood. I can't justify having my son around a person that will be in his life one minute and out the next.

Sometimes you just have to pick and choose with family. For your samity, for your kids emotional well-being, and for a number of other reasons. Don't feel guilty.

 

[cm8]

I completely agree with you. In fact, I have been in your shoes to a degree, and have done the same thing.

My mom calls a few times a year and we may see her once a year. Her life is consumed with drugs, drama, and anything that she can do to benefit her. We just keep our distance, are polite, but are hardly family. Same goes with my sister, who didn't fall far from the tree.

With my MIL (my dhs mom) and soon-to-be ex FIL, FIL was cheating but wanted to go back and forth between his wife and girlfriend. At first they both wanted to get offended that I didn't want ds during this, but MIL finally understood. I can't justify having my son around a person that will be in his life one minute and out the next.

Sometimes you just have to pick and choose with family. For your samity, for your kids emotional well-being, and for a number of other reasons. Don't feel guilty.

: so true

 

[hereyago]

OP, does your DH somehow in the back of his mind hope that each time she comes by that she will stay around for good?


I would bypass DH and break her off a piece of information pie. It is one thing to abandon your kid as she did with your dh, but there isn't going to be another generation of playing relative when she wants.

My exdh and I both agree, that should his bio mom want to see him and our dd, that won't happen. she gave him up at a young age to his father then the next summer had the brother taken to the father for physically abusing him. Exdh has't seen or heard from his bio mom for several years.

 

[ut*disney]

I honestly don't know what to say here. All of you sound like you are posting our story to a degree.

My hubby has a mother and step-mother. They both live 5 minutes away. Both of them are come-and-go people.

The MIL more than the Step-MIL. We had cut the MIL off before. We had cut her off before we even had children. She didn't even know I was pregnant. We absolutely did NOT want her to be a part of our children's lives. She showed up to their first birthday party and we about had a fit. We decided to let her around for a bit to see how things would go. She got mad about something a short time later and was out of the picture (on her own) for a while. She will show up and act like she was never gone, get mad at either myself or my husband, and go into hiding. This has been going on for about 6 years now.

The step-MIL and FIL are selfish. They live 5 minutes down the road and prefer to "hang out with friends." What was actually said to me by my step-MIL was, "you tend to hang out with people you have things in common with. You will start hanging out with people that have kids. We don't have kids, so we hang out with our friends." Whatever! We have been to their house on a Friday or Saturday, but was told we should leave before their friends come because of the kiddos.

 

[badblackpug]

You could just explain to her that the kids call your mother "grammy" and that since neither you nor your kids know her really well that you are not comfortable having her take them for a weekend then, maybe, invite her over for dinner, or on an outing with the whole family. It seems as if your husband doesn't want to have a huge confrontation or break ties completely.

 

[auralia]

I would tell her just what you typed grandmother is a title that is earned NOT given... my daughter doesn't call dh's parents grandma/grandpa but she called my neighbors that are not blood related grandma/grandpa (a nice older couple that just loved her that recently moved away)... blood has nothing to do with it it is how you treat the child.

 

[tartemis]

I'm in a similar situation and I just put my foot down. Before kids, I let my hubby handle it -- even though I didn't like a lot of the decisions he made. After kids -- no way I was subjecting my kids to the drama. My rule was that the inlaws had to show the hubby that they changed first, then they get to meet the kids, second.

A certain group of my inlaws even showed up at my house unannounced on the day I brought my second daughter home from the hospital -- I had hubby drive around to our other entrance and I and the baby got out of the car there to avoid them and then he went to talk to them. . . alone.

Honestly, there is so much less drama and things are so much better since we have made a clean break. We have always stated that we will be willing to bring them back into our lives if they could demonstrate they had changed, but it hasn't happend yet.

It sucks -- my brother has fabulous inlaws and I'm always jealous. But, everytime I start to feel sorry for myself, I remember that it must be exponential more difficult for my husband to be in this situation.

 

[tttessa]

Hiya,,
have the drink and drugs stopped? Maybe she's changed her ways, feels guilty and wants to make amends through getting to know the kids?

My kids have a Gran, Grandma and Granny - divorce makes life so complicated... We see Gran every week... Grandma once/twice a year and Granny once a year - geographic constraints too. I have problems with Grandma - she "took" my dad away once through divorce and once through moving to another country . I know, I know, he had a lot to do with it too - but he died abroad and I cannot forgive her for that - my problem, NOT the kids' .... I have to admit that she loves the kids, they love her and their life is enriched by her presence in it.