MIL and I Are Getting Along... This is What She Did...

[RitaZ.]

I rarely get pulled into this type of reply, but here it goes...

I am not saying that you should give up your lives or jobs if you are still working, but if you are not working and your day consists of shopping and watching TV, you really could make yourself useful to your own family and help out.

This is the most insulting and disrespectful thing I have read all day!

So what if my mom wants to spend her day watching tv, shopping or picking her nose, for that matter! Since WHEN should I tell my mom how to live HER life and what she SHOULD do in order for her to be "useful"?

My husband and I have 3 children and we are raising them together without "help" from our family. Frankly, I'm really proud of that and so is my mom. Does my mom help us by babysitting sometimes? Yes, she does and we really appreciate it. Would she be here to help us if DH or I got sick? You bet she would and has done so. Would I expect her to be my children's built-in babysitter or their main caregiver? Absolutely not!

She and my father did a heck of a job raising 3 children that turned out pretty good, if I may say so myself, and NOT in the best conditions. My father passed away 15 years ago and she continued on raising my younger brothers by herself and put both of them through college with little money. My mother is now 70 years old and finally retired last year. The last thing I'm going to do is ask her to babysit my children for a prolonged period of time. My mother has given MORE than enough of herself to us and society and it's her turn to be "selfish" and to do the things that SHE enjoys while she still has her health. When my children grow up and have families of their own, I plan to do the same. I will be happy to help out and babysit my grandkids sometimes and if there is an emergency, you bet I'll be there. However, I sincerely hope they don't expect me to be a "built-in" babysitter or tell me how to spend and what I should do with my time.

 

[Patty3]

RitzZ, thank you, my sentiments exactly. I will babysit my grandchildren when I am needed and have done so. BUT, to provide daycare for them will only happen if their primary daycare provider has a problem during a specific time. I am a young active Grandmother who does have a life outside of my children and grandchildren, whom I love dearly. Daycare provider I am not. Just for the record, my DIL is a stay at home Mom and they have not asked for this type of assistance.

JayCT, you are way out of line.

 

[goin2disneyagain]

Originally posted by decker96
Maybe I read it wrong, but it sounds to me like the MIL WANTED (OP says she begged) to watch the kids, said she would and then backed out. And with not alot of notice it sounds like. If she didn't want to watch them on a regular basis, then why did she say yes? And if after watching them for a while she decided she couldn't/didn't want to do it anymore then why not just come out and tell her son and DIL so they could make other arrangements instead of waiting until the last minute? I'm talking about today, not the day her new grandchild was born by the way.
RUDisney -- it didn't sound to me like you "expected" her to watch them or wanted a "built-in babysitter" as others have suggested. Sorry to hear of your situation. Glad you found other arrangements.

I thought the same thing. The grandmother should not have begged to babysit if she really didn't want to watch the kids. It puts the parents in a bad situation. I would be upset if someone did this to me and then backed out.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by C.Ann
-----------------------

First of all, I'm glad to hear that you and your MIL are getting along now.. Much better for all concerned..

How old are your children? I know this may sound odd, but now that she acutally can watch them, do you think there is any possibility that she's afraid to watch them? Sometimes after not having children around for many, many years it can be a frightening experience and she may be questioning her own capabilities..

Just a thought..

Funny thing is, she watches her GS 3 days per week, for the entire day. He's 14 mos. and needs far more attention than my 8 & 9 year olds. But, like someone else said, it is for her DD and not DIL, so I know that can make a huge difference.

As I've said in previous posts, although we've reconciled, there is a lot of water under our bridge. I know that they have always hated that I didn't stay home when we adopted the kids, like "a good mother" should. They hate that we're happy and that we do things together and that we like to travel. I also know that they like to tell people what they want to hear and do the opposite, so this really shouldn't surprise me.

As for the grandparents watching their kids, I think it really depends on the family. My GMIL worked hard at raising her 9 children. When they grew up, they all lived close by her. When one of her sons built his home with his friends, she made lunch and dinner for the workers every day... full meals, not just sandwiches. So, my point is that they have been raised for generations that parents do whatever it takes for their children, and even for extended family members. I was raised similarly, because my parents were always insulted by my Dad's parents' attitude towards us. Luckily, we had my other GPs living up the street from us so we saw them daily. The sun rose and set on them for us.

My DH and I can't wait until we can be retired and get to watch our grandchildren since we don't get the time to spend with ours now. I'd love to be home with our kids, but I honestly don't understand how some people make it on only one salary. I am truly impressed by them. But, I digress.

So, in our families, it is not unheard of for GPs to watch their grandkids for 2 hours a day after school.

 

[JayCT]

I do not think I was out of line in my comments and I did not mean to insult anyone. My comments also go for aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, etc.

I am not saying that grandparents had it easy when they raised their kids, but because they had a tough time, why should your kids? Don't you want your kids and grandchildren to have it better than you did? Todays parents don't have it easy either and too many GP's forget how difficult and stressful it can be. Think back on the times when you needed someone to give you a little help. Wouldn't it have been nice if a parent offered? Why is it any different today? Is it because you are on the other end now? Wouldn't your grandchildren be better off if they saw a little more of you? I am not saying give up your freedom, but how much antiquing and travel can you do?

 

[JayBee]

Originally posted by JayCT
I am not saying give up your freedom, but how much antiquing and travel can you do?

My DH's old boss, now retired, sold his home at 65 and he and his wife live in their Motorhome. They come back and park at his son's periodically, but are enjoying the open road for as long as they can.

Everyone's idea of retirement is different....but noone should "expect" a grandparent to be a daily sitter.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

I am not saying that you should give up your lives or jobs if you are still working, but if you are not working and your day consists of shopping and watching TV, you really could make yourself useful to your own family and help out.

You hopefully are going to have to put me up there with the selfish ones JayCT

My DH and I currently have retirement plans of buying a Condo somewhere warm (Scottsdale maybe) and then keeping an apartment close to where our children are so we can visit when the mood strikes us. I certainly wouldn't mind babysitting Grandchildren on an occassional basis, but no way no how will I be the daycare provider. I have a SIL who has been put in this position with her 2 Grandchildren right now and she is quite resentful. She worked her butt off for most of her life to be able to retire in her 50's. Returning to a life of changing diapers all day really wasn't her dream.

Don't you want your kids and grandchildren to have it better than you did?

Certainly. And quite frankly MY life could be a whole lot happier right now if a significant portion of our income didn't get socked into college funds. I'm more than happy to provide my children with the tools they need to acquire a lifestyle where they can afford to have children of their own. However, whether or not they use those tools as adults will be up to them and not my responsibility.

 

[eeyore kelly]

Have you thought that this issue has nothing to do with watching your children. It could be about her pulling your strings. I have a...... let's call her "odd" MIL, and she would make nice for a few days, then then couldn't resist pulling something to make me react. Now I am cordial but distant, and never bring up past problems. If she says anything I don't like, I pack up the family and go home. When I read your post, I thought she's trying to be the puppet master.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by eeyore kelly
Have you thought that this issue has nothing to do with watching your children. It could be about her pulling your strings. I have a...... let's call her "odd" MIL, and she would make nice for a few days, then then couldn't resist pulling something to make me react. Now I am cordial but distant, and never bring up past problems. If she says anything I don't like, I pack up the family and go home. When I read your post, I thought she's trying to be the puppet master.

Hmm, I hope she isn't back to that cr@p. Wouldn't put it past her, though.

I'm at peace with sending the kids to the Y. They spent most of the summer there and it is a good program. I'd have been at peace with her telling us that she couldn't watch the kids when DH originally asked, too. I just need stability so I don't have to worry about where they are going to be from one day to the next.

 

[jenjie]

"Whatever happened to family members helping each other???

You should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking that way. You should want to help your children raise your grandchildren or you shouldn't have had kids yourself to begin with. I am not saying that you should give up your lives or jobs if you are still working, but if you are not working and your day consists of shopping and watching TV, you really could make yourself useful to your own family and help out.

DF lives an hour away and is now 83. He is slowing down healthwise. I know he would love to be with his grandchild more but really can't. He did what he could when he was in better health. The rest of my and DW's family are hit or miss at best. So we are basically raising our kids by ourselves, so I know how hard and expensive it can be.

There is another post on these Boards about what is wrong with the kids today. You do not have to look any further than this post to see what is wrong with them. Parents who are working hard to build a better life for their families. Grandparents who are too busy with their own lives to bother with helpiong their kids or their grandchildren. Very sad."

JayCT, would you also be quick to move your parents in with your family if it was either that or a retirement home? "selfishness" goes both ways. I think each person needs to do what is best for their situation.

We ask mil to watch our kids from time to time but try to be aware of what else is going on in her schedule. We don't want to take advantage of her hospitality. On the other hand, we also don't want to feel like we are obligated to help her with her pet projects (btw fil is there, he works and doesn't care to do her pet projects. So it's not like we're talking about a little old lady on her own with nobody to help her).

There is a give and take, and we need not take people for granted. Let's give these grandparents some respect!

 

[JayCT]

jenje - To answer your question, yes I would and have asked my DF to move in with us. DW and I have offered to build him an in-law apartment on our house. He has refused because he has lived in the same town his entire life and that is where he will stay until he has no other choice. The same can be said for my never married aunt who is like a second mother to me.

As for a Nursing Home, they both have said that when the time comes, they will not move into our home. They do not want to be a burden to us because they know that this would be difficult for not only DW and myself, but for our children. They want what is best for us, just like I want whatis best for my kids. Fortunately, this has not become an issue yet.

I respect GPs very much and am not saying that they should give up their "lives". I am just saying that more and more these days, families are not helping each other as they have in the past and this is very sad for our society in general.

 

[Patty3]

I totally agree that Grandparents should play an active role in the lives of their Grandkids. I still do not think it is selfish to not want to be the daycare provider. In my case, I went back to work full time to help DH pay in full the college tuition and room and board for all three of our children. The kids worked during the summer for spending money and books. We bought each of the children their own car. One of the three children is married. When he got married, we gave them a week in Hawaii, $5000, and paid for the flowers and the rehearsal dinner. When they bought a house, we gave them $5000 to use as part of their down payment. We have the same set aside for the other two. I see my grands at least three times a week. I usually sit twice a week to either give the Mom a break or so that they can go out. I also have them over once a week for dinner. Do I want them to have a easier time that I did, most definitely. My children live in an expensive house, have two new cars and take great vacations. As I said before, my DIL is a stay at home Mom. If they were having a tough time financially, and were having a hard time making ends meet and DIL has to go back to work, I would consider it. BUT, they have a wonderful lifestyle and I would want to see some cutbacks on their part. They have it much better than I did and I am grateful for that. DH and I have played a role in that by providing them with excellent educations.. DH and I both have nursing home insurance, I would never want them to have to take care of me or him. I feel that Grandparents are getting a bad rap here and I just wanted to add that even though we do not want to be daycare providers, 10 hours a day, that does not mean we do not take an interest and care.

 

[jenjie]

JayCT, thank you for your kind response. I fully agree with what you said here:

"I respect GPs very much and am not saying that they should give up their "lives". I am just saying that more and more these days, families are not helping each other as they have in the past and this is very sad for our society in general"