MIL and I Are Getting Along... This is What She Did...

[RUDisney]

MIL and I finally made up after 10 years of avoiding one another in May of this year. She really became the MIL I always wanted.

BUT...

After 2 years of begging to watch our kids, she finally has access to them, and my DH asked if she'd keep them after school, until we get home. She said "yes."

All was well until yesterday... the first day of school.

She can't watch them because her DD is giving birth. A very viable reason... she wants to be at the hospital. No problem. I completely understand. Baby boy was born yesterday. Today she can't watch them because she'll "probably" be at the hospital. Doesn't tell us that until this morning, when DH calls to confirm that the kids are going to be bussed to her house. "Maybe" she'll watch them tomorrow. She also told DH that she will watch the kids from now on if she doesn't have anything else to do.

So, we went from a committed babysitter to a maybe, if she feels like it. Luckily, my Mom has adjusted her schedule for the rest of the week, so she'll be picking them up from school.

Next week, we'll start at the Y, so at least I know where my kids will be and I won't have to worry about anyone backing out at the last minute.

I wonder what happened to her desire to spend more time with our kids. She started backing out on other times we'd ask her to watch them, too, so I guess I should have seen this coming. We've tried to be careful about not asking too much, because we don't want to ruin a good thing.

So, I guess I feel better having vented. I want to put this behind us and let childcare start at the Y. Hopefully, the school will start an after school program that the kids can attend, as there have been rumors about it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[ValerieK]

I know how you feel. I have a similiar problem with my mother, Although I don't ask her to watch them on a regular basis. She commits to watching DD3 and then backs out at the last minute. I don't bother to ask too much anymore, I just get frustrated and angry. She will bend over backwards to watch DS11 and always has even when he was younger. I finally told her she had to take both or neither.

 

[Chattyaholic]

I'm sorry you're frustrated by the situation. But I have never understood people who "expect" their parents/in-laws to babysit their children. They raised their family, now it's your (generic, not specifially "you") turn to raise yours. I have grandchildren of my own, love them dearly and enjoy spending time with them, but would not want to babysit them regularly. And I understand other grandparents who do not want to be a "built in babysitter."

As far as taking one or both of my children at the same time when they were younger, my Mother didn't want them both at the same time, it made her nervous. I respected that, it was HER choice and she needed to do what was comfortable for her. She enjoyed having each one separately, so she could devote her time to each one individually.

 

[mom2boys]

It's for the best that the kids go to the Y. We never had the option of having a relative watch our kids & I think it was for the best. If we didn't like something that went on with the hired sitter - we felt free to speak to her/them. MiL watched her two oldest grandchildren for a while. (Two different sets of parents). Didn't matter what the parents wanted, Grandma did as she pleased with them. One daughter always expected more & resented it when it she didn't get it. The daughter-in-law never paid her anything even though she had agreed to. It caused problems in the family.

 

[JayBee]

Ya know.........being tied down evry afternoon is fine for some Grannies, and others just don't want that commitment. Doesn't mean either loves their grandkids more.

 

[caitycaity]

Just be happy they are willing to look after them at all. I don't even have kids yet and my mom tells me practically everytime I see her and kids come up: "Don't expect me to ever babysit. I'm done raising children."

 

[WDWAurora]

caitycaity-That's what my grandmother told my mother when she was pregnant with me. That I was her child/her responsibility, that kind of thing. Fast forward to the hospital, the day I was born. The first question grandmother asked when she got into the room after I was born was "When does she start staying with us?" They kept me every day my mother worked (3 days a week) until I started school and would never accept payment, despite the fact that it was offered weekly.

 

[~*Belle 2003*~]

Originally posted by caitycaity
Just be happy they are willing to look after them at all.

 

[decker96]

Maybe I read it wrong, but it sounds to me like the MIL WANTED (OP says she begged) to watch the kids, said she would and then backed out. And with not alot of notice it sounds like. If she didn't want to watch them on a regular basis, then why did she say yes? And if after watching them for a while she decided she couldn't/didn't want to do it anymore then why not just come out and tell her son and DIL so they could make other arrangements instead of waiting until the last minute? I'm talking about today, not the day her new grandchild was born by the way.
RUDisney -- it didn't sound to me like you "expected" her to watch them or wanted a "built-in babysitter" as others have suggested. Sorry to hear of your situation. Glad you found other arrangements.

 

[Patty3]

I have two Granddaughters I love them dearly. I do sit quite a bit, in fact, this week it will be twice. But, I do not want to be committed to watching them every day. I took an early retirment due to health related issues. I meet girlfriends for lunch twice a week and have decided to take some art classes. I will be watching them for a week while the parents go on an anniversary vacation and I am looking forward to it. I would do most anything for my children and grandchildren, but I need to live my life as well. I do not think I am being selfish. By the way, they have not asked me to watch them on a daily basis either.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Grandma here! I dearly love my DGS and soon to be DGD BUT I would not want to watch them every day. That would take all the specialness out of our relationship! I pick DGS up every Wednesday after work and bring him to my house and spoil him rotten and then take him home (after his bath and bottle, and in his jammies) at 9:30 PM. I do this every week to give DS & DDIL some alone time. Now they're blaming baby #2 on me because of all the alone time!
That is alot to ask of a grandparent. Perhaps she said it on the spurr of the moment because she felt pressured to.
I can see an occasional thing if you're in a pinch.
You should make other arrangements but do let her know you still love her and appreciate the times that she can babysit!
Mothers in law are people with feelings too!!!

TC

 

[Disney Doll]

My guess is that a couple of things may have happened:
1. She figured out that she didn't want to be the one repsonsible for the grandkids "X" number of days per week...didn't want to be locked in to something like that...see all the grandmas responses above!
2. Her daughter had a child, and you, as DIL, immediately move to 2nd place. Not fair, not right, not a lot of things, but relaistically, there are very few women who will choose their DIL over their daughter.

 

[RUDisney]

Originally posted by WDWAurora
caitycaity-That's what my grandmother told my mother when she was pregnant with me. That I was her child/her responsibility, that kind of thing. Fast forward to the hospital, the day I was born. The first question grandmother asked when she got into the room after I was born was "When does she start staying with us?" They kept me every day my mother worked (3 days a week) until I started school and would never accept payment, despite the fact that it was offered weekly.

That's what my Dad's mother told my parents when they were expecting me... I stayed over my grandparents' house once, because my aunt was watching me and took me there, and I was babysat at their house once, because my aunt was watching me and took me there.

Three of my cousins practically lived at GM and GP's house. It was all about trying to make my parents' lives hard for them.

As for watching them or not, she goes nowhere, except the grocery store and to work for her brother when she feels like it. She also watches her one GS a few times a week in the mornings, so she's already in that mode, and also has said that she'd love to watch our kids more and wished, last year, that she could have watched them after school. So, I don't think we were putting her out by asking her to do this, and we wouldn't have minded a direct, "no." But, to promise and then reneg at the last moment is what has me peeved.

But, as in all cases, I'll get over it for the sake of my relationship with DH, who is also a bit miffed by the way his mother handled this.

 

[Kae]

I hope you get the after school stuff at yur school it is great. Last year ours was run by the YWCA which closed in our area so our School Corp took it over only $20 a week & $10 each sibling.Can't beat taht last year I paid 27 for 3 days.

My MIL watches DD4 1 day a week for me & both kids 1 day in the summer. Plus she takes them for a weekend about every 4/6 weeks. I know I am very lucky. But I also spend almost every friday nite with my grandparents execpt when thay were in FL. And that time has some of my best life memories. (she let me lick the peanut butter knife)

Most of my friends have the same thing as you with at least one set of the grandparents if not both. then I have a friend who has 2 DS & 1 on the way & her MIL begs for the kids & she does not let her have them.

Good Luck
Kae

 

[Patty3]

RUDisney, I do have to agree with you that she should have told you right from the start that she will not be able to watch the children. I would never backout on doing something for my children or grandchildren that I said I would do unless I had an absolute emergency.

 

[C.Ann]

Originally posted by RUDisney
MIL and I finally made up after 10 years of avoiding one another in May of this year. She really became the MIL I always wanted.

BUT...

After 2 years of begging to watch our kids, she finally has access to them, and my DH asked if she'd keep them after school, until we get home. She said "yes."

All was well until yesterday... the first day of school.

She can't watch them because her DD is giving birth. A very viable reason... she wants to be at the hospital. No problem. I completely understand. Baby boy was born yesterday. Today she can't watch them because she'll "probably" be at the hospital. Doesn't tell us that until this morning, when DH calls to confirm that the kids are going to be bussed to her house. "Maybe" she'll watch them tomorrow. She also told DH that she will watch the kids from now on if she doesn't have anything else to do.

So, we went from a committed babysitter to a maybe, if she feels like it. Luckily, my Mom has adjusted her schedule for the rest of the week, so she'll be picking them up from school.

Next week, we'll start at the Y, so at least I know where my kids will be and I won't have to worry about anyone backing out at the last minute.

I wonder what happened to her desire to spend more time with our kids. She started backing out on other times we'd ask her to watch them, too, so I guess I should have seen this coming. We've tried to be careful about not asking too much, because we don't want to ruin a good thing.

So, I guess I feel better having vented. I want to put this behind us and let childcare start at the Y. Hopefully, the school will start an after school program that the kids can attend, as there have been rumors about it.

Thanks for listening.

-----------------------

First of all, I'm glad to hear that you and your MIL are getting along now.. Much better for all concerned..

How old are your children? I know this may sound odd, but now that she acutally can watch them, do you think there is any possibility that she's afraid to watch them? Sometimes after not having children around for many, many years it can be a frightening experience and she may be questioning her own capabilities..

Just a thought..

 

[RitaZ.]

Now they're blaming baby #2 on me because of all the alone time!

LOL

I'm glad that things are better between the two of you. Maybe your MIL has realized that it's too much for her to handle and is afraid to tell you for fear that you'll think that she doesn't want to help you (just a thought). Taking care of children is very demanding, physically and mentally, most older folks don't have the stamina to do it.

I think it's great when grandparents offer to help out and babysit their grandkids, once in while or in case of an emergency, but I wouldn't expect it of them. My mom loves my kids dearly, but I know that it is overwhelming for her, especially since she tends to spoil them.

My mom has a few friends that care for their grandchildren while mom and dad work. From what my mom says, the "grandmas" aren't happy and are stressed out, but continue to do it to "help their children". Personally, I think it's selfish of the children to put their parents in that position.

I agree with the "I already raised my children" mentality.

 

[JayCT]

I get so mad when I hear a grandparent say "I raised my children, now you raise yours". It is an incredably selfish statement that shows exactly what is wrong with our society today.

Whatever happened to family members helping each other???

You should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking that way. You should want to help your children raise your grandchildren or you shouldn't have had kids yourself to begin with. I am not saying that you should give up your lives or jobs if you are still working, but if you are not working and your day consists of shopping and watching TV, you really could make yourself useful to your own family and help out.

DF lives an hour away and is now 83. He is slowing down healthwise. I know he would love to be with his grandchild more but really can't. He did what he could when he was in better health. The rest of my and DW's family are hit or miss at best. So we are basically raising our kids by ourselves, so I know how hard and expensive it can be.

There is another post on these Boards about what is wrong with the kids today. You do not have to look any further than this post to see what is wrong with them. Parents who are working hard to build a better life for their families. Grandparents who are too busy with their own lives to bother with helpiong their kids or their grandchildren. Very sad.

 

[disykat]

Interesting thread. I agree, RUDisney, that your MIL shouldn't have said she wanted to watch your kids if she wasn't really planning to do it.

On the grandparents watching kids thing. .. We are in the middle of a HUGE fight about this. I have heard nothing but "don't expect me to be your built in babysitter" for years. I think that is a perfectly reasonable attitude and have rarely asked them to. My parents live 400 miles away so it hasn't been much of an issue. They have watched the boys occasionally during visits and have even come up to watch them twice while we were out of town overnight. I thought we had struck a good balance of not requiring them to babysit, but giving them opportunities to be alone with the boys. Now all of a sudden I'm getting "You've deprived us of our grandchildren!" We had a huge emotional altercation about this. That came as a complete shock! I'm still amazed and attribute it to sudden loneliness as they become less active and possible depression on my dad's part. I love my parents and wanted them to have a good relationship with my kids, but I certainly don't want them to be their emotional salvation! - You can't win either way! (the boys are 9 and 11 and my parents are in their 70's and just starting to slow down)

 

[JayBee]

Originally posted by JayCT
I get so mad when I hear a grandparent say "I raised my children, now you raise yours". It is an incredably selfish statement that shows exactly what is wrong with our society today.

Whatever happened to family members helping each other???

You should be ashamed of yourselves for thinking that way. You should want to help your children raise your grandchildren or you shouldn't have had kids yourself to begin with.

Spoken just like a man. Sorry......I plan on antiqueing, traveling, art classes and lots more when I become a grandparent & retired....not a sitter.


I think your kids will enjoy an afterschool program better anyway-ther's other kids to play with.