Men: Help me understand how to better communicate with DH

[Carly_Roach]

I'm serious here. I am not trying to lambast or put down men or my husband. I am sincerely curious as to why I didn't get an answer. What point would I have been trying to make by asking this particular question?

That's typically what my mother says...right before she launches into an attack on men. She says she's honestly curious about what they're thinking, if they're even thinking at all.

Maybe if you had asked it this way: ' Do you remember if this pkg was delivered to the house or the office? If it came to the house, I'd like to be sure to thank the mailman.' Telling your husband why you need him to tell you a seemingly obvious piece of info would help.

I would have had to ask DH the question about who do I thank. That would get me the answer I desired.

Same here. If I had asked that question of DH, he would also have asked, "Well, where was it addressed?" Not to make me feel stupid but because he truly didn't remember or didn't even look (or cared). He would have picked up the box, seen my name, put it on the counter for me and forgotten all about it.

If I told him it was because I wanted to thank the postman for going out of his way, then he would have said, "OH! I think I found it at the front door" and that would be the end of it.

I don't know if this is the same with all guys, but most of the time I find that DH doesn't really pay attention to the same details that I do because they're just not as important to him as they are to me. It can get aggravating at times, but I'm sure he gets just as aggravated with me when I don't recall details that are obviously important to a guy.

 

[dispor]

I am *guessing* that it was delivered to your home because of the way your dh described it being between the doors. Was it addressed to you personally, but with the business address? If so, I can see how the mailman - who it seems has both your business and home on his route - could easily have delivered it accidentally to your home.

It was an easy question, and dh should have been able to answer it.

Is dh an engineer?

 

[anniemae]

I think you just needed to word it differently. The way you asked seemed confusing and your true question was not apparent.

You could have said something like, "Oh, I see this package is addressed to the office, did you bring it over from the office, or did the mailmain decide to deliver it to the house as a favor?"

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would have had to ask DH the question about who do I thank. That would get me the answer I desired.

Yes the whole drama of delivery is lost in translation. You need to be more clear with your communications.

Ex.

Did you bring this package to the house from the office?

 

[golfgal]

I understood what you meant, but I am female. I agree that the question should have been "did the mailman deliver this package to the office" or "did YOU bring this home from the office". You just confused him by throwing in the possibility that it was delivered to the house As my high school English teacher was fond of saying, "be specific"

Oh, and never ask a male any question that starts with, "do you know where...."

 

[DMass]

I wanted to know whether the very nice mailman had delivered it to our house, so I could thank him in the morning at our office, or in the alternative, whether to thank my husband for bringing the package home.

I fail to see why my motivation for the question affects whether or not I get an answer. What am I missing here?

What difference does it make. It's on your desk at home. Thank your husband for bringing it there for you.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Was he watching TV at the time? Were you in the same room? Were you looking at him when asking the question?

Maybe he has hearing loss.

Maybe he doesn't remember and is saying that the easiest way to find out where it came from is to see what the address on the box was.

 

[Creativebeth]

I bet there is no hearing loss.....fact is he doesn't care. I have the same dh, and he wouldn't care at all. I HATE the 'non-answer' thing. I don't even go there anymore.......it's not worth the fight. I am not going to get an answer anyway....

 

[tlbwriter]

I feel your pain. I've had a very similar discussion (via IM) with my husband recently.

Me: Can you tell me how to check DD's lunch account online?

Him: I paid it today.

Me: Okay, thanks. Can you tell me how to check it?

Him: She should have enough to get her through the end of the month.

Me: Okay, sorry, I guess I'm not making myself clear. Can you TELL ME how to check it myself so I'll know how much money she has in her account?



Anyway, the answer is that often people (men and women) answer the question they think you're asking, not the question you're actually asking. And the only way around it is to acknowledge the question they think you're asking, and point out that you are asking a different question. DH thought I was asking if DD had enough money in her lunch account, so that was the question he was answering.

 

[FayeW]

Yes, and the follow up to that is that he probably thinks that you are asking how to check the account because you don't trust him to do it right, and now want to check up on him. That's the way my husband thinks...

Honestly, sometimes trying to get him to answer a simple question exhausts me. I get so frustrated in not getting an answer that sometimes I will snap at him and say something like "why was that so hard; why did we have to play 20 questions?" I don't know what it is, but my son is the same way. Is it just one of the many differences between how the male and female brain's work?

My husband just likes to give me information in bits and pieces, I guess. For example, awhile ago he said that on such and such a day he was going out for a drive on his motorcycle. A week later he said he was meeting up with other people. The weekend of the "ride", he wanted to go to our seasonal campground, where we had our trailer parked. That particular weekend, I didn't really want to go, but I agreed and we packed everybody up and off we went. We are enjoying a campfire and he announces that he has to go to bed early because he has to leave at 6:30 in the morning...because they are meeting for breakfast at 8:00...in a town an hour and a half away...and wouldn't be back until suppertime, but in fact he was several hours later than "suppertime" because it turns out that there was a BBQ PLANNED at one of the other rider's homes, about 2 hours from where we were camping. I was sooooo angry, but He was like "what's the big deal????" He whittled the anger down to "you just don't want me to ride my bike". He honestly didn't get it, no matter how many times I explained. I told him I couldn't care less if he rode his bike for the entire weekend, every weekend, if he just tells me in advance that's what he's going to do! Don't tell me you'll be home at suppertime, while the kids and I sit there waiting for supper, when you knew a month ago that there was a friggin' BBQ planned for after the ride. Don't insist we go to the trailer when you know I don't want to go, and you know you'll be gone all day/all evening. If you aren't going to be there, then don't insist the rest of there have to be there waiting for you!

If he had given me all of the information ahead of time I would have just said, look, you are going to be gone all day Saturday anyway, let's just stay home Friday and the kids and I will go out Sat evening. Instead, he waits until we are already there, after I said I didn't want to go, and announces he'll be gone at the crack of dawn.

Never mind, it's not all men. It's just mine. Sometimes he's an idiot. Typing that all out just made me mad all over again.

 

[kellyg403]

OP, I also understood your question, but I also think possibly the better question would have been simply "Did you bring the package home or did Will stop by here and deliver it?"

My dh is the same as others..I have to be very careful of when I ask questions because I do believe if he is thinking, watching or doing something else it really doesn't behoove me to even ask a question, he is literally one minded. And he will piece meal me to death, which he knows I don't like. Like another posted, its almost like dragging information out of him. He does not understand for some reason that I eventually end up angry because he does not divulge all the information at once so I CAN MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION, not because I care one way or the other about the information. So we play out twenty questions for 3 days. There is a total communication block that I can not figure out AT ALL.

In the end I think it ends up being I am more of a planner and he is more of a fly by night kinda guy. In the example another posted about the bike ride, my dh would do EXACTLY the same thing. Not because he is rude or unkind, but he literally did not make the decision to go to the bbq until he got there, he honestly thought I would enjoy staying at the trailer by myself with the kids because I am always lamenting the kids are getting older and I don't get to spend much time with them. There is a roadblock in communication sometimes that comes across as frustrating and unkind, when in actuality he is trying to do a nice thing but has no clue.

Kelly

 

[bettymae1121]

My husband has trouble using real words.

"Honey, can you get me my thingamajig? It's over by the whatchamacallit."

Then he gets mad at me when I don't know what he's talking about.

He also makes up words for things that have proper names, including places. Like tonight he wants to go to "Wing Ding's" for dinner (Buffalo Wild Wings).

After being married for five year's I'm better at decoding what he wants, but sometimes I just can't figure it out.

 

[tlbwriter]

Same here. If I had asked that question of DH, he would also have asked, "Well, where was it addressed?" Not to make me feel stupid but because he truly didn't remember or didn't even look (or cared). He would have picked up the box, seen my name, put it on the counter for me and forgotten all about it.

Really? He wouldn't have remembered if he found it at the front door of the house or if he brought it home from the office?

 

[Carly_Roach]

Really? He wouldn't have remembered if he found it at the front door of the house or if he brought it home from the office?

Based on the OP there are two doors to her house: the office door and the home door. It's very likely that he'd have been looking at or thinking about something else when he opened any door and stumbled over the package. He'd have just noted the name (Me or the wife?), left it on the counter, and gone about his business. He's like that and I take it into account.

Now if he'd have picked it up at the office, it would have been addressed to a whole 'nother street and I wouldn't have had to ask the question in the first place.

 

[tlbwriter]

Based on the OP there are two doors to her house: the office door and the home door. It's very likely that he'd have been looking at or thinking about something else when he opened any door and stumbled over the package. He'd have just noted the name (Me or the wife?), left it on the counter, and gone about his business. He's like that and I take it into account.

Now if he'd have picked it up at the office, it would have been addressed to a whole 'nother street and I wouldn't have had to ask the question in the first place.

Maybe I'm missing something - she said they had the same mailman for the house and office, but not that they were in the same building.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, while I agree that sometimes, some, men can be 'neaderthal', and communicate in grunts.... I have to agree with the husband here.....

The very fact that the OP was not clear, and would seem to be 'female nitpicking' over which darned door the package may have been left at... PLUS the fact that he was probably, as other posters have noticed, kind of in defense mode, cause he could easily be seeing the next question as why HE did the wrong thing by putting the package where he did....

This is one of the most classic men are from mars, women are from venus, miscommunications that we've seen here in a while!!!!

The mailman did his job... nothing more, nothing less.
He delivered the package to the name(s) on the label....
All of this over a mailman delivering a package?????

I think if I had somebody nitpicking me over this kind of minutia... I might not like that so much.
It is kind of like the overbearing teacher with the ruler in her hand standing over you putting you on the spot with a pop-quiz.
The way the OP asked the question was like the stupid riddle where there is just NO right answer.

Maybe the husband should have just said... "Why are you asking, like who really cares..."

 

[DrCavin]

When your husband said it was at the front door, that should have answered your question. He wouldn't have put it at the front door & then later brought it into the house.

 

[NCRedding]

Based on the OP there are two doors to her house: the office door and the home door. Now if he'd have picked it up at the office, it would have been addressed to a whole 'nother street and I wouldn't have had to ask the question in the first place.

We have an office and about 1 mile away is the house. By saying we had the same set up, I meant that at the office and at the house, we have both a storm door and a regular door, so his answer (I found it in between the storm and the door) didn't answer my question; it cuold have been either place.

Flightless: yes, I was in the same room, I had eye contact. We've discussed how I can best get his attention so he doesn't think I am alking to myself or my cat. I came in the the room where he was located. I called him by name, and I waited until he looked at me before I asked my question.


DMass: Why should I thank my husband for bringing me the package, when he didn't? He picked it up from the floor in front of the door, and lifted it three feet to the table by the door. Should I be getting kudos everytime I bring the mail in from the front door?

AndyLL: So if your wife or significant other asks you what you think is a "dumb" question, you don't feel the need to answer that question?

Thanks for the input. I believe men and women really do speak a different language. Based on the responses, I am guessing that DH assumed I was "out to get him' with my question, rather than just asking for information. It is funny to see the interpretation that people get from the same post.

 

[NCRedding]

When your husband said it was at the front door, that should have answered your question. He wouldn't have put it at the front door & then later brought it into the house.[/QUOTE


We have a storm door and a front door at both the office and the house.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, again, I say, so what, who cares, this is something to put this kind of effort into?????

Look at this thread so far....

The husband may be the type of man who just doesn't get off on this kind of drama over meaningless minutia.
I think I agree with one prev. poster who said that there may be more going on here than the package.