MEMO FROM ATTORNEY GENERAL ASHCROFT TO THE NEWS MEDIA CONCERNING NATIONAL SECURITY ORDER #1-545-7b
Formal Statement by the Attorney General
TO: All television news except FOX and print media except the New York Post, Wall Street Journal, Washington Times and Waco Garden Club Gazette (hereinafter "Affected Media")
FROM: John Ashcroft, Attorney General and Disciple of the Lord Jesus
RE: Wartime Restrictions of Dissemination of Inappropriate So-called "News"
The Office of Wartime Enthusiasm has noted that, in violation of Top Secret National Security Order No. 1-545-7b, several stories regarding the Enron Corporation have been featured recently in Affected Media. As DOJ memorandum of June 27, 2002, dictated by me, but inspired by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, specifically noted, unflattering references to the Enron, Halliburton and Harken Energy Corporations imperil national security.
Therefore, to ensure that full future compliance is achieved, we will be exercising prior-restraint of all so-called "journalism" and requiring that Affected Media submit all reports for approval at least SEVEN (7) business days before they run in your papers or programs.
If you find you have empty time or space as a result of delays in the DOJ approval process (or the eventual, likely withholding of approval to disseminate submitted items), you are advised to instead report on any of the following patriotic and non-verboten topics:
1. The girl kidnappings are working well. Even though kidnappings are statistically down, this seems to be whipping people into a frenzy that keeps their mind of soon-to-be-classified confusing statistics about the economy. The President will call a "summit" you can make a fuss over to suggest innovative ways to avoid having children kidnapped (such as contraception by their parents and not accepting teeth-rotting sweets from adults).
2. Roll out that shark attack stuff that worked so well past summer if there is a lull in kidnappings.
3. Two words: Martha Stewart. Two more words: Crucify her.
4. Whip up some hysteria about the handful of people affected by this so-called "West Nile Virus." Be vigilant, however, about not tying any deaths directly to the Egyptians, as they are allies. Allies, as opposed to people we have officially declared "evil doers," can do as much evil as they wish. (See April 12, 2001 "Memorandum Regarding our Muslim Friends Who Butcher Folks and Have Despotic Governments").
5. Excerpts from the CIA's 13,870 hours of digital Dolby 5.2 authentic-looking "Muslim home movies" - which were painstakingly produced to elicit your customers' white-hot hatred of designated governments and families. Please note however, that due to high demand, the CIA is currently running short on copies of the video showing Saddam Hussein systematically abducting and penetrating dozens of well-groomed contestants from the Westminster Dog Show.
In closing, let me remind Affected Media that un-American hecklers of the President shall continue to be identified by name and address, and their words reported as "unintelligible."
I am thanking you in advance for your cooperation and for not having to send Classified Enforcement Personnel to your homes and places of business. Remember: if you wonder if something is appropriate for the American people to see, do, or hear - it isn't.
»
Formal Statement by the Attorney General
TO: All television news except FOX and print media except the New York Post, Wall Street Journal, Washington Times and Waco Garden Club Gazette (hereinafter "Affected Media")
FROM: John Ashcroft, Attorney General and Disciple of the Lord Jesus
RE: Wartime Restrictions of Dissemination of Inappropriate So-called "News"
The Office of Wartime Enthusiasm has noted that, in violation of Top Secret National Security Order No. 1-545-7b, several stories regarding the Enron Corporation have been featured recently in Affected Media. As DOJ memorandum of June 27, 2002, dictated by me, but inspired by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, specifically noted, unflattering references to the Enron, Halliburton and Harken Energy Corporations imperil national security.
Therefore, to ensure that full future compliance is achieved, we will be exercising prior-restraint of all so-called "journalism" and requiring that Affected Media submit all reports for approval at least SEVEN (7) business days before they run in your papers or programs.
If you find you have empty time or space as a result of delays in the DOJ approval process (or the eventual, likely withholding of approval to disseminate submitted items), you are advised to instead report on any of the following patriotic and non-verboten topics:
1. The girl kidnappings are working well. Even though kidnappings are statistically down, this seems to be whipping people into a frenzy that keeps their mind of soon-to-be-classified confusing statistics about the economy. The President will call a "summit" you can make a fuss over to suggest innovative ways to avoid having children kidnapped (such as contraception by their parents and not accepting teeth-rotting sweets from adults).
2. Roll out that shark attack stuff that worked so well past summer if there is a lull in kidnappings.
3. Two words: Martha Stewart. Two more words: Crucify her.
4. Whip up some hysteria about the handful of people affected by this so-called "West Nile Virus." Be vigilant, however, about not tying any deaths directly to the Egyptians, as they are allies. Allies, as opposed to people we have officially declared "evil doers," can do as much evil as they wish. (See April 12, 2001 "Memorandum Regarding our Muslim Friends Who Butcher Folks and Have Despotic Governments").
5. Excerpts from the CIA's 13,870 hours of digital Dolby 5.2 authentic-looking "Muslim home movies" - which were painstakingly produced to elicit your customers' white-hot hatred of designated governments and families. Please note however, that due to high demand, the CIA is currently running short on copies of the video showing Saddam Hussein systematically abducting and penetrating dozens of well-groomed contestants from the Westminster Dog Show.
In closing, let me remind Affected Media that un-American hecklers of the President shall continue to be identified by name and address, and their words reported as "unintelligible."
I am thanking you in advance for your cooperation and for not having to send Classified Enforcement Personnel to your homes and places of business. Remember: if you wonder if something is appropriate for the American people to see, do, or hear - it isn't.
»
