Maybe we can be a bit gentler

[Ceila]

I've only been here a few months, and I think there is a lot of helpful advice both here and on the trip-planning forums. I also think that there is a fair amount of people (especialy on this forum) who expect everyone else to agree with them and then get upset when that doesn't happen.

Personally, if I put something out on a discussion boards, I expect people to discuss it. The exchange of ideas, questioning of assumptions, and debate gives everyone a chance to re-think their positions.

As for snarkiness, I think many times that it's a result of people who respond to a thread getting frustrated when things don't add up, the OP is being hypocritical or otherwise not presenting themselves as responsible, and then the OP gets defensive and the cycle goes from there.

 

[JessicaR]

The longer you stick around the more it becomes obvious who is miserable. I think nasty people are unhappy people. All the usual suspects show up to attack for no apparent reason other than trying to make others as miserable as they are. I try and ignore those threads. Sometimes I cant and just have to say my peace.

There is a huge difference from a good debate to posts that take personal jabs at people with no point to make.

If you hear the song I sing, you will understand
You hold the key to love and fear all in your trembling hand
Just one key unlocks them both
It's there at your command
Come on people, smile on your brother
Everybody get together try to love one another right now......

Come on!! Everybody join me in the chorus!!!!

Yeah, I view the Dis throughout the day. I only log on and post, though, on the days I have thick skin. You never know when an innocuous comment will get pounced on. I come here to be in a happy place, yet there are so many unhappy people who beat one another up. A couple of times I may have posted comments that didn't translate well and if I came across as snarky it was unintentional. Sometimes I am at work and read things quickly and may read them wrong and respond according to what I thought I read because I am reading in a hurry between tasks. There are a lot of good people, though, so I try to avoid the threads I can see heading down the wrong path and stick with the threads that keep a friendlier tone.

Yeah I agree and love that song too!

 

[Feralpeg]

It's the anonymity. People feel like they can say anything because there are no "faces" on the people they insult under the guise of "I'm only trying to help him/her".

I agree with the OP. Would love to see a little hand holding and Kumbaya singing around here!

I totally agree. Some people get a kick out of feeling superior to others. Putting others down gives them a lift. I don't get it. However, I do think people leave themselves open to receive negative comments based on the things they post. I don't mind sharing good things about my life, but I think there is too much airing of dirty laundry on this board. I may be old school, but some things are just too personal to expose to a bunch of strangers. If you do, you must be prepared to accept negative comments back.

 

[Tinkermommy]

I've only been here a few months, and I think there is a lot of helpful advice both here and on the trip-planning forums. I also think that there is a fair amount of people (especialy on this forum) who expect everyone else to agree with them and then get upset when that doesn't happen.

I for one would not like it if everyone were in agreement and there was no back and forth. I don't like when the attacks get personal but I like the different viewpoints and the engagement. I like the debates.

I do think some people take disagreements as the poster being snarky. I have seen people get upset that they didn't get the soft strokes and the pity party they were hoping for.

Now hugs for everyone!

 

[sbell111]

I lurk a lot on the Dis, but do not have many here although I have been a member about 3 years and lurked for a couple of years before signing up.

Now, the reason I don't post too often is that the general tone seems to have gotten harsh over the last couple of years. This is supposed to be a friendly place and yet, often people seem to be unnecessarily flamed.

Only yesterday someone came on and posted about a tragedy and caught a lot of flak about her choice to post and whether or not the sad event actually happened.

Other times members come here asking for opinions or help and are told they are rude, selfish, etc. I would think if you disagreed with a poster, it is possible to state that and explain why without the hurtful comments. There certainly are better ways to state an opinion without being harsh. It is also possible to let them know their approach was wrong and suggest a better way.

Based on what I've been reading here, I truly expect to be flamed for my comments, but keep hoping that the Dis will someday return to the nice, reliable, helpful and supportive place it once was.

I have regularly seen posts exactly like this one on every public forum that I have visited. In fact, I would say that this board is one of the most calm simply because it is very heavily moderated.

 

[bicker]

As design_mom pointed out, this happens in the other direction too. I've seen a lot of threads where the OP is essentially asking for ratification for what they want to do, or looking for a venue where people will only post agreement with their perspective, and the thread loses its civility when the OP responds rudely or abusively to folks post something other than what the OP wanted to see posted. I wouldn't be surprised if such cases actually are more common than the scenario where people responding to the OP post rudely unprompted. Sometimes it seems that some of these threads would be better off as blog posts, where the OP can reasonably expect that their perspective is to be the prevailing perspective. By contrast, discussion forum topics are deliberately intended to discuss all sides of any issue (that has sides).

However, this is really just scratching the surface: This is also happening, now, in general discourse, i.e., in real life. And not just "more than before", but it has gotten to the point that this kind of lack of civility prevails whenever there is a substantive discussion of issues where reasonable people naturally have differing views. Everything is much more "black-and-white" than before. It's much more often that each side holds to the idea that their perspective is the only possible perspective and no others deserve any respect whatsoever. Indeed, it is not just the opposing perspective that is rudely attacked, but people attack even the proposition that there could be reasonable disagreement to what they believe.

 

[ols386]

As design_mom pointed out, this happens in the other direction too. I've seen a lot of threads where the OP is essentially asking for ratification for what they want to do, or looking for a venue where people will only post agreement with their perspective, and the thread loses its civility when the OP responds rudely or abusively to folks post something other than what the OP wanted to see posted. I wouldn't be surprised if such cases actually are more common than the scenario where people responding to the OP post rudely unprompted. Sometimes it seems that some of these threads would be better off as blog posts, where the OP can reasonably expect that their perspective is to be the prevailing perspective. By contrast, discussion forum topics are deliberately intended to discuss all sides of any issue (that has sides).

However, this is really just scratching the surface: This is also happening, now, in general discourse, i.e., in real life. And not just "more than before", but it has gotten to the point that this kind of lack of civility prevails whenever there is a substantive discussion of issues where reasonable people naturally have differing views. Everything is much more "black-and-white" than before. It's much more often that each side holds to the idea that their perspective is the only possible perspective and no others deserve any respect whatsoever. Indeed, it is not just the opposing perspective that is rudely attacked, but people attack even the proposition that there could be reasonable disagreement to what they believe.

I definitely agree with this statement.

That gray area seems to be disappearing with some, and not just on this board. I see it on other boards and IRL.

 

[BellvilleDad]

I agree with everything you said, OP. It's why I seldom post, too.

 

[maxiesmom]

I for one would not like it if everyone were in agreement and there was no back and forth. I don't like when the attacks get personal but I like the different viewpoints and the engagement. I like the debates.

I do think some people take disagreements as the poster being snarky. I have seen people get upset that they didn't get the soft strokes and the pity party they were hoping for.

I agree with you! That happens A LOT over on the transporation boards. We try to stick to the facts when answering questions over there, and many people do not like it at all! They would rather you just agree with them that "airline of the day" is run by a bunch of nasty poopy-heads who are out to get the flying public! Just blindly agreeing is not helpful to people either.

I also agree with the poster who pointed out that you can't hear the tone of the words, and that can lead to some misunderstandings.

 

[DMRick]

I also see where sometimes people come on all nicety nice and comment about others being snarky and the way they do that is snarky LOL. There are a few people who always commment about others being snarky and that they have them on hide. But I then think, if you have them on hide, why do you always comment on them being snarky? Why are you even seeing what they say?

Or some will comment on what the snarky (in their opinion) people say even if they haven't been quoted. So, if you think someone is being snarky, put them on hide..no really put them on hide and don't remark about anyhting they say..because if they are really on hide, you shouldn't be able to see what they say..unless quoted, and usually the person who says they have a certain person on hide, isn't responding to a quote. Why agravate yourself.

I personally don't have anyone on hide, because I respond to what I want to and ignore posts of those I have no interest in. I also often like to see different viewpoints, and sometimes I have changed my views because of them.

 

[bicker]

I just was directed to a new message in another thread I'm subscribed to, and that reminded me of one of the most egregious examples of what the OP was referring to. Someone posts a message, "I think I may be heading vegetarian." One of the early replies was the pearl of sarcasm, "Think about those poor plants grown on industrial farms and the chemicals/pesticides they are forced to ingest." This was followed by a graphic patently offensive to folks who are thinking about becoming ethical vegetarians. A few pages later, another poster posted, "Vegetarians like to think they are saving some poor animal from a horrible fate, when the reality is they are murders themselves. You can try to rationalize it all you want, but pulling a vegetable out of the ground and eating it ends its life." Later, that same poster posted, "I love how vegetarians like to change the rules to fit their crazy belief system."

Note that this was three abusive/rude messages out of the first 75. The vast majority of the messages in the thread, both for and against ethical vegetarianism, were respectful - remarkably so, I suppose, by typical Community Board standards - but there is always someone who don't see a way for a perspective that is contrary to their own to be a reasonable perspective.

However, after that third bit of abuse (the second by that same poster), the thread started getting uglier and uglier. I think that happens a lot: The longer a thread goes on, the more contentious it becomes.

 

[JessicaR]

respectful - remarkably so, I suppose, by typical Community Board standards - but there is always someone who don't see a way for a perspective that is contrary to their own to be a reasonable perspective.

I totally agree with this. Explained well, and thats saying something after reading many of your posts.

 

[bicker]

... Explained well, and thats saying something after reading many of your posts.

Y'see!?! Another thread ruined by a rude comment!

 

[punkin]

I think that happens a lot: The longer a thread goes on, the more contentious it becomes.

I have noticed that after the first 5 pages or so, nothing useful comes from most threads and they tend to deteriorate.

 

[J Le]

I've only been here a few months, and I think there is a lot of helpful advice both here and on the trip-planning forums. I also think that there is a fair amount of people (especialy on this forum) who expect everyone else to agree with them and then get upset when that doesn't happen.

Personally, if I put something out on a discussion boards, I expect people to discuss it. The exchange of ideas, questioning of assumptions, and debate gives everyone a chance to re-think their positions.

As for snarkiness, I think many times that it's a result of people who respond to a thread getting frustrated when things don't add up, the OP is being hypocritical or otherwise not presenting themselves as responsible, and then the OP gets defensive and the cycle goes from there.

I for one would not like it if everyone were in agreement and there was no back and forth. I don't like when the attacks get personal but I like the different viewpoints and the engagement. I like the debates.

I do think some people take disagreements as the poster being snarky. I have seen people get upset that they didn't get the soft strokes and the pity party they were hoping for.

Now hugs for everyone!

I too like hearing the different ideas and viewpoints - the Dis is my perspective Google. HOW something is said colors the perspective. Then I make up my own mind.

back at ya Tinkermommy

 

[Lanshark]

I have noticed that after the first 5 pages or so, nothing useful comes from most threads and they tend to deteriorate.

Most threads don't make it past 5 pages UNLESS they have deteriorated.

Certain posters are lightning rods for controversy. There are histories between people that date WAY back before the age of dinosaurs (in other words when politics and religion could be discussed).

 

[MIGrandma]

There is one particular poster who seems very snarky and rude in most of her comments. I've learned to ignore her (but I don't actually have her on ignore/hidden) after she yelled at me once over something I said about a TV show. She was upset because I said something about the show that she didn't know, yet it had been said on news shows so it wasn't like it hadn't already been out there.

There is another thread going where one poster is just adamant about his opinion being "the only way to go" even though so many others are telling him he's wrong. Not wrong in having his own opinion, but wrong in telling others that their opinion is wrong and that they all would be better off if they would do it "his way". I totally respect that he has his own opinion on the subject, but the way he writes things is just rude and condescending to the rest of the posters.

And I always feel bad when newcomers get flamed for things they say. I know that if I put something out there for everyone to read, there will people who don't agree with me, and that's fine. I just wish people would disagree in a more friendly manner, especially with new people.

 

[C.Ann]

The longer you stick around the more it becomes obvious who is miserable. I think nasty people are unhappy people. All the usual suspects show up to attack for no apparent reason other than trying to make others as miserable as they are.

"Happy" just doesn't appear to be all that popular these days - does it? I guess it's like a slap in the face to those who choose to wallow in misery - as well as inflicting it on others - who ironically, are in no way responsible for it..

I try my best to lean towards the "happy" threads and "happy" topics now - as much as possible.. (Or those who need a hug, a prayer, a good thought, or a "friend" - when others are beating up on them just because they "can"..)

I will be the first to admit that there was a time when I wasn't always as pleasant as I could be either - sometimes in response to snarkiness on the part of others (directed at me) - and also sometimes because I was just plain feeling snarky myself.. Then someone said something very, very wise on the DIS one day that stopped me dead in my tracks - and made me realize what is really important, what is "right", what is "wrong", and the futility of engaging in conversations with people who have certain personality traits.. Since that time I have worked very hard to change the way I post - who I will or won't respond to - and what those responses (if any) will be.. It's an ongoing effort - and I have certainly been "tested" on several occasions - but I will not give in to the desperate needs of others - those who share that "pack mentality" that many posters see here..

I find that I am much, much happier - now that I have made a conscious choice about my style of posting; the threads I choose to read; the threads I choose to respond to; and the personalities of the posters I choose to associate with on a regular basis..

The DIS can still be a "fun" place - and as we all know, it can provide a wealth of information in 2 seconds flat - but rather than try to change "others", I think it's more important to change how we respond to others (if at all)..

We can't control others - only ourselves..

 

[A Mickeyfan]

I have not read thru all of the pages, but sometimes posters may not mean to sound rude, but it was taken that way. It is very hard to "hear" how one sounds when you can only read it. In other words, what one reads may take on a different meaning if those same words were heard. I know that has happened with me. Some took what I said as rude & I never meant it to be.

 

[disney1990]

It seems to me that, because people are face to face with the person they are talking to, they are definitely harsher. I don't think that people would say have of the things they say online to somebody in person -- or I would certainly hope not.