Matron of Honor quit! =(

[j_lehr]

I haven't posted much here, but I love reading all your planning journals (I actually did try to start my own, but wasn't much good at it)! I am getting married at home in NJ but honeymooning at Disney.

Well I just needed to vent and I know that you guys would understand. For the last few weeks I have been trying to get in touch with my matron of honor with no luck. I have known her for more than 9 years and she was the first friend I made when I moved to NJ. We worked together at the same company for all of these nine years but a year ago I transferred to her department and she became my manager. We thought we could seperate the work relationship from our friendship and we did ok for awhile until I quit.

She just had a baby at the beginning of July. I received an e mail today, about 6 weeks before the wedding to tell me because she is breastfeeding the baby she can't come to the wedding and therefore can't me my matron of honor. She said she has tried to pump and give the baby a bottle but she won't take it. I know she is supposed to go back to work at the beginning of September so I have a feeling that she is using the baby as an excuse is actually mad at me because of work.

I quit my job because it was really stressful and they were demanding things that weren't even legal. When I applied for unemployment I had to explain why I quit my job and I am afraid she might have gotten in trouble for telling the truth.

I am really hurt and not sure what to do. I have a feeling our friendship is over. I can't believe she didn't even call me to tell me. She said she was telling me now to give me time to find a replacement instead of waiting until September like she was doing me some kind of favor. Unfortunately it took 3 months for the bridesmaid dresses to come in. I called Macy's Bridal today and they said they can't even give me her dress unless she signs a form releasing it. I tried to call her to tell her this but of course she doesn't answer her phone and she doesn't return my calls. I also e mailed but haven't heard back. So now I might not even have the dress! My financee's sister is willing to fill in and is going to try to find the same dress in Florida where she lives but I am not sure if that will even be possible. Even if we do get the dress we already ordered, it is a size 16 and she is a size 6. Macy's said with a good steamstress that knows bridal we should still be able to take it in but it might cost more than the dress cost itself.

I am so mad....besides the dress, I have her dyed shoes here (too big for my future sis in law) and I already purchases the personalized bridal gifts. But more than anything I am just really hurt.

Thanks for letting me vent...and sorry so long. I just really needed to get that all out.

Jes

 

[dmslush]

Oh, that is just awful!!! I hope your sil is able to find a dress!

 

[hmgolden]

That is terrible. I'm sorry that this happened. *hugs* to you. I hope that your SIL is able to locate the dress.

 

[FranP]

Sorry - while these things are stressful, they ultimately work out for the best. Best wishes for a wonderful day.

 

[JackieSparrow]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is nice that your FSIL wants to step in ! Hopefully she will find that dress!

 

[mo1973]

How absolutely ridiculous and terribly inconsiderate. I hope you can get the dress situation worked out- this girl clearly was not a tried and true friend and at least now, when you look back on the day, you have someone standing with you who will still be part of your life.

 

[BayouPrincess]

I'm so sorry for your stress! Sending you lots of pixie dust to help you out! I'm so glad your SIL is working to help you out!...My SIL was my maid of honor for our wedding nearly 20 years ago, she was my only choice. (I was friends with her before DH and I started dating)

 

[oneyodafan]

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. We had a similar situation with our wedding. A couple (friends of ours) were standing up together. The guy was a jerk to his girlfriend and I called him out on it. Well, this was a week before our wedding. Jason was in picking up his tux two days before the wedding and this guy comes in to pick up his tux. He starts telling the staff awful things about me that are untrue. Jason told him to shut up and said if he didn't want to stand up then don't. She picked up her dress that week too from alterations. They didn't show up for rehearsal and never called, etc. The programs had their names in it, we had personalized items for them.

It sucked, but we decided to make the best out of it. I was hurt more that she didn't come. But on the one hand, he was very controlling so I'm sure he didn't allow her to come. I found out later on after she broke up with him that he was very abusive. We had our suspicions, but nothing concrete.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with all this. Is the dress available from macy's in the store, or does it have to be ordered?

 

[Glorydaz]

as sucky as it is, take a deep breath and move forward. in six weeks you are getting married. see if you can find a seamstress to help you out with the dress. if not, maybe you will be able to find something of the same color but different style for your new MOH...from what I read, lots of people are doing that now. and being she is the MOH, it would be perfectly acceptable if her dress is different. most of all, try to focus on all the wonderful things ahead.

I'm getting married in NJ as well and honeymooning in Disney! and our BM bowed out last month due to family health issues.... so I totally understand how you feel.

Michelle

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Did she pay for the dress? If not, I don't know why they won't release it to you?!

to you. I'm very sorry for all this.

It was very nice of your FSIL to volunteer. It sounds like a good future!

It might be better to just buy another dress. To pay someone to hand do that much will get expensive. Where in NJ do you live? I live in NJ, too so if you need help, let me know!

Hope all works out.

 

[JonetteA]

I am so sorry. *HUGS* I hope that things get better. I think that your SIL will be a great choice and will be there for you. I am sure that she is busy with the baby, but this day is important to you. Maybe she is just feeling overwhelmed. This does not discount what she did however. Just try to keep in touch with the communication open and allow her to approach you later on.

 

[sasmmb]

As my MIL likes to say "Everything happens for a reason". Better your MOH back out then you looking at your wedding pictures 2 years from now and think "gosh, I don't even talk to her anymore. Why did I make her my MOH?"

Another option is to have one of your fiance's groomsmen be an usher instead, and just reduce the total number of attendants. I do think that if your future SIL volunteered that on some level she may have been a little hurt that she wasn't included in the first place, so you may still want to go this route.

We ended up with 3 grooms attendants committing and then backing out, but at least with plenty of time for replacements. We finally gave up on the whole gender thing and my husband's sister was a grooms attendant on his side. She wore the same dress style as the bridesmaids but in black instead of blue. Which worked out surprisingly well.

Good luck in whatever decisions you choose to make and remember when things go wrong to focus on why you are getting married and less on the how.

 

[j_lehr]

Thanks for all your replies. I feel better today although I am still nervous about the dress. My future SIL is great - she has already e mailed the manufacturer and tried to contact dress stores (most were closed since it's Sunday) and is going to see what she can do tomorrow. The best thing possible would be for her to find this dress down there and we wouldn't have to worry about getting or altering the dress.

Lulu - She put a deposit on the dress but hasn't paid in full. I picked both of my sister's dresses up with no problem and signed for them. But I didn't realize there were different rules if someone backs out of the bridal party. And thanks for your offer of help, that is very sweet. I live near Rutgers U.

Oneyodafan - Unfortunately Macy's bridal doesn't carry any dresses in teh store - everything has to be ordered. =(

Thanks again for all the support.

Jes

 

[Fantasia Sam]

Oh wow - I can't believe she has left it to the last minute. I mean I can understand how some mothers to be don't always know how motherhood will effect them when the baby comes and the breastfeeding can be a problem blah blah but I do understand how it would have been a tad more helpful for you if you had known just a little earlier.

A girlfriend of mine was recently asked to be in her brother's wedding but she fell pregnant and she knew that her baby would only be 4 months old come her brother's wedding and she just didn't want to take the chance of if's and maybe's so as soon as she found out she was pregnant she gracefully pulled out - her bro and SIL to be were a little upset but now that the wedding is closer and the baby is here I think they're relieved that she did pull out back then. I know we can't always know how things are going to turn out but I wish more people would err on the side of caution, you know? Obviously I don't know all the details on how you and you MoH dealt with facing her up coming birth and your wedding.

But moving forward, because remember your day will be as beautiful and magical because as long as you and your groom are there sometimes nothing else matters, another solution would if you Future SIL could get another dress in the same colour and material - sometimes MoH's do where different dresses from the rest of the Bridal Party - could that work Jes?

 

[j_lehr]

Thanks again for all the replies. I really do have faith that it will work out and as sasmmb said, I am glad that I am finding out now and not looking at pictures down the road with regret.

My future SIL won't be filling in as a MOH though. We talked and hopefully she can find the dress, but she will be a bridesmaid cause she wants to walk down the aisle with her husband (who was already a groomsman). I also think my other two sisters would be hurt, esp my older sister, so I have asked her to take that place if necessary.

Even still, at this point, if all she can find is a different dress in the same color and material but different style, as long as SIL feels comfortable, it is better not finding a dress at all.

Thanks again for all the words of comfort and advice.

Jes

 

[DisneyFairy19]

WOW BIG HUG your way.. So sorry

 

[Tiggerific04]

After you mentioned this on my "officiant" thread, I had to go looking for your post. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this so close to your wedding, but like everyone else said, it's better that it happened now than even further down the road. It's a shame if she's doing it because of work like you mentioned, but it's probably for the best that she's not in your wedding party in that case. I'm sure it will all work out

 

[j_lehr]

It's beginning to feel like a soap opera!

Tonight, my DF called the ex-MOH's husband (did you follow that, LOL) because she of course has not returned my call or e mail. DF told him what we wanted and tonight I got an e mail from the ex-MOH saying she had called Macy's and released the dress and now I can make arrangements to pick it up.

Of course in the e mail she made it clear she was none too happy about us contacting her husband to reach her...oh well, what did she expect us to do??? She said leaving her an e mail or voice mail was enough and that she would get back to me as soon as possible, her baby's schedule permitting. OK - I know having a new baby is a lot of work BUT I also have a daughter and several nieces and one nephew...and while I haven't dealt with a baby in a long time, I remember what it was like. If it didn't take her three weeks to get back to me the last time I contacted her, I wouldn't have needed to take desperate measures. (sorry, done venting...again)

Anyway, long story short...hopefully I will be able to pick this dress up tomorrow. =D Although I am really sad to say that after the tone of her last few e mails, there is really little doubt in my mind that our friendship is over. And although I am really angry now, I know that eventually I will be more sad than anything cause we were friends for a long time.

Thanks again for reading and listening to me vent.

Jes

 

[hmgolden]

Yay for getting the dress released! I'm sorry you have to go through this, but at least now you can move on with fixing the situation. Its a shame she's treating you like this!

 

[Glorydaz]

you've done everything right, now it's time to move forward and continue to enjoy this magical time in your life!! truly her loss

Michelle