Married Advice

[rie'smom]

Understand what emotional intimacy is - not sex, but true intimacy, the sharing of your lives. Practice it and live it every day.

Ladies, check out your FIL - that is what is in store for you down the road

Perspective spouses don't change their minds or anything else for that matter as the years go by.

All those things that your SO does now that you think are cute - will annoy the living bejeezes out of you 10 or 20 years down the road

Not true in our case, thank God. My FIL was the biggest real life curmudgeon
I ever knew.

#1 (for happy marriage and happy life): LET IT GO!

Say "please" and "thank you."

Treat your spouse like an adult.

Don't nag.

Do what you said you'd do.


...and if you take on the job of changing the sink faucet thingy but decide not to use all the parts, do NOT admit that you didn't use all the parts. When the sink starts spraying everyone and your spouse thinks there is something wrong with it, just let them think that.

Don't say, "Well, it might be because I didn't use all the parts." What do you mean all the parts? "Well, I was having trouble with it - I couldn't figure it out. I thought, I mean I think, well, I thought some of the parts were extras. And maybe they were! So, anyway, I didn't use some of the parts. That could be why it is all funky. It seemed to be working well without them, so..." Some of the parts were EXTRAS? Did you think they were including SUPERFLUOUS parts?! Just for the hell of it?! "Hey, Marv, we've got all these extra parts laying around, what should we do with them?" "Oh, let's toss them in with the SINK THINGY!" "No, I just...I didn't think I needed them. It worked FINE for a while!!"

This leads nowhere good. I promise. And leads us right back to rule #1.

Yes, use manners with your spouse. This is the person who will be with you forever, treat them with care and love.

 

[LOVEDISNEYLAND]

These all sound so great guys! THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE REPLIED!!!

 

[Disneyland1084]

Always tell your spouse "I love you."

 

[JennaTX]

I know this isn't always possible...but when I married DH was in the Navy and I moved 2,000 miles away.

It was just DH and I. There was no calling friends, going home to Mom, etc.

We had to learn that there was only us, no one else. It was the best lesson I could ever learn.

 

[disykat]

And finally, LADIES, PAY ATTENTION THE FIRST FEW WEEKS OF YOUR MARRIAGE! During this time your ds will be compiling a subconscious list of what you really expect from him around the house. If you, in your newly wedded bliss say "no honey, I'll do that" - expect to be responsible for it - forever. Or at least until you have a BIG TALK, the kind that isn't any fun. On the other hand if you teach him to do laundry while he's deeply in love, you'll have help with it all your life. Something you'll appreciate when laundry goes from 3 loads a week to 3 loads a day (or more).
.

Good advice for the first few weeks of parenthood as well! I've had friends who didn't want to "share" the baby and really regretted it later! On the other hand, I've known women (including myself) who had difficult births and whose husbands had to do most of the childcare the first few days that say it's the best thing that ever happened to them.

 

[disykat]

My DP and I sometimes choose to table a disagreement at night to let the "Committee of Sleep" work on things. We both say "I love you and we agree to let The Committee of Sleep work on this" before we go to bed. It gives us both time to cool down while we still admit we do love one another. About 99% of the time by morning we have gained better perspective and are able to look at both sides of what was being said and realize we agree on things but we just couldn't say that.

We have been together for 15 year and it has worked so far.

Great post. I really disagree with the "never go to sleep angry" advice. While I'd love to "fight it out" and solve everything right then because that's my personality, my DH needs time to process things. I've learned to give him the gift of that time. It may take a few days, but we actually solve things. If we had the "no going to sleep angry" rule, he'd just pretend to get it over with and nothing would be solved.

 

[DLSuperVet]

Do whatever your wife says. You're going to end up doing it anyway so you might as well just do it right away. If you don't she will ask you again and will do so as soon as you pop yourself a beer.

All joking aside this advice is for the guys.

Tell her you love her all the time. I'm serious about this. All the time. It's what she wants to hear. She'll forget all the nice things you do as soon as you do something she doesn't like and the first example of the other bad things you do is usually started off with "You never tell me you love me."

Anticipate her needs and you'll always have an out.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Oh goodess, lots of good advice.

Don't feel bad if somedays you don't "like" your spouse. It doesn't mean you don't love them..... Every day isn't perfect although, that's what some couples expect.

I think the most important thing to remember......don't marry someone with whom you can't be yourself.

 

[Aardvarks]

Women marry a man hoping he will change ( he doesn't)

Men marry a woman hoping that she won't change (she does)


All jokes aside.

Try and change together, change is enevitable. Always look to what you have in common............

 

[magicgirl]

When everything seems to be going wrong take a deep breath and try to imagine life without your spouse, then remember why you fell in love with them. This has worked for me for 30 years and I love him more now than when we married.

 

[Took]

Absolutely right. Religion is a big part of a sucessful marriage.

Respectfully, I disagree. DH and I are among several atheist couples I know all of whom have been married for a long time (we're the newbies at "only" 15 years).

Marriage is about commitment, shared values, respect, communication and many other things posters have shared. It does not have to include religious faith.

My advice: Marry someone with a GOOD sense of humor. You'll need it to get through the tough times and enjoy it in the good times. Thankfully, DH still makes me laugh (hard) at life's little absurdities.

 

[SeaShelley]

All of my best advice can be summed up in Clint Black's song: Something that we do: (And, it is ok to go to bed angry.....sometimes a good night's sleep is the best at tempering bad feelings !)

I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
I still believe the words we said
Forever will ring true
Love is certain, love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn't something that we find
It's something that we do
It's holding tight, lettin' go
It's flying high and laying low
Let your strongest feelings show
And your weakness, too
It's a little and a lot to ask
An endless and a welcome task
Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start
It gives me heart remembering how
We started with a simple vow
There's so much to look back on now
Still it feels brand-new
We're on a road that has no end
And each day we begin again
Love's not just something that we're in
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start
Love is wide, love is long
Love is deep and love is strong
Love is why I love this song
And I hope you love it too
I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
Love isn't just those words we said
It's something that we do
There's no request too big or small
We give ourselves, we give our all
Love isn't someplace that we fall
It's something that we do

 

[Stitchfans]

Discuss things before you say I do. Like, how many children, how will we raise them, how do we handle finances, what chores do you do, and what do I do? Also to those planning a wedding, remember the marriage is more important than the wedding.

You took the words right out of my mouth. COMMUNICATION that is a must. Yes of course love, being faithful, but no doubt communication.

 

[Camicar]

Marry an orphan. That is the most important marital advice I could ever give.

Pay attention to your partner's sacrifices and compromises for your sake and for the sake of the family. Do not ever take him/her and those sacrifices/compromise for granted. Do not expect them to make more compromises than you are willing to make yourself.

Pay attention to what your partner needs and wants, not just the surivival necessities, but the things/actions/ways that make life worthwhile.

Find out what love language each of you speaks and honor that language. Do not denigrate it as less because it is not yours.

Treat them with the same courtesy and respect with which you would treat a professional acquaintance.

 

[Family Fun Mom]

Hang in there. Marriage is a roller coaster. There are huge ups and downs. Expect to fall in and out of love a time or two. There will be times when the easier thing to do is leave, but it is worth it to stick it out, to fight for your marriage. Unless you are being abused or cheated on, you make it work. Especially if there are kids involved. Marriage isn't all about fun and romance. It's a commitment and it takes work. Do the work. You won't be sorry.

Oh, and don't forget to date each other. Never stop wooing. It is vital to keeping the relationship healthy.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Women marry a man hoping he will change ( he doesn't)

Men marry a woman hoping that she won't change (she does)

That's what I thought of first.

Seriously, if a couple can be in agreement on kids, money, religion and parents (not necessarily in that order), I think they'll be ahead of most couples.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Lovemaking is fun - do it all the time!

Marriage is easy - just remember how you felt during your engagement - the wonder that this man would be yours for life, all the things you loved about your man.

12 years of marriage - no crazy rollercoaster, no ups and downs - its all ups for us baby!

There is enough work in life - marriage should not be work!!! It is fun, a refuge, a home, an adventure.

I love my husband.

 

[SC Minnie]

Marry someone that you enjoying have a conversation with. The hot guy/girl won't look the same in 20 years so you need to really enjoy the company of the person not just their looks.

Pick your battles.

And the one I tell DH-- Remember these words and say them often- 'Yes dear. Whatever you say dear.'

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

At my bridal shower they passed around a notebook and everyone wrote advice into it. The pages I cherish most were from DH's grandmother's - both wrote about communication and never going to bed angry. I also NEVER EVER say anything in anger to DH that I will regret either. No personal attacks no matter how much I would love to. We keep our arguments to the issue at hand. After 24 years together - 21 of those married, I still think we have more good days than bad

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Don't think they'll change just because you married them. If they're a lazy slob now, they'll always be that way.

Amen!