Marriage problems?

[rebster]

Er, maybe this isn't the place to post this, but I don't feel comfortable speaking to my family about this yet, or my friends for that matter (gosh...that seems so wrong to begin with...but anyway).

My marriage is terrible. We have been married for 3.5 years, and my DH just told me that he doesn't think I am a considerate person or have ever cared about him. I am in medical school which he doesn't seem to ever understand (he says the tests are probably easy and I am stressing over nothing). Anyway, he is a gamer. I am not sure how much many of know about gamers, but I am actually fine with a lot of gaming. The problem is that about a year ago he started neglecting his responsibilities for the games. This is how almost ever day of my life went for the past year...wake up to hubby sleeping, go to school, home for lunch and hubby is playing, home after studying...hubby is still playing...go to bed...hubby still playing. Anyway, he did a lot of nice stuff during this time like help keep the house clean, but he wouldn't find a job etc. So, slowly over the year my faith and trust in him dwindled away (and there were other reasons for this too, but thats too much to write). Anyway, I care very much for my husband, and I love him dearly, but I do not know how to express this to him since working hard for a good future for both of us and trying to make time for him...sometimes I even game with him because thats all he wants to do. We basically live like roommates now. He is also disabled and on a lot of pain medication which changes people's normal behavior sometimes. I am thinking of counseling. I have 4 tests this week, and I am barely holding it together much less able to study. How do you wives show your husbands that you care? He was super sick this past week and I made him soup and all that kind of stuff, but I feel like he has this huge list stacked up against of me of little things I have done wrong.

Thanks

 

[DOPEYLUVER]

I truly think your only option is counseling. I think what is most important is that you can find a counselor that you can both work with. Many, many times that takes several tries. A counselor recognizes the importance of being able to work well together and should help you find someone if the first one doesn't work.

I seems to me that your husband may be feeling inadequate and turning that on you. Do your best to convince your husband to go for counseling with you. If he won't, please go yourself.

Good luck. It sounds like you have alot going for you and you should be proud of yourself. I remember taking a class in college relating to marriage. The teacher said marriage is not a 50/50 thing. It is a 110/110 percent thing.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm not big on medicating for depression, but I do think that counseling could help, if you can get him there. Not doing much but work and gaming, and feeling like you never loved him...sounds like he's really down.

And thinking that any sort of school involving learning about the body and how it works is easy...that just says to me that he's not thinking very clearly...

Is there any sort of spouse group that he could go to? Do they do that? Seems it would be helpful. I know that when my sister in law was in law school, my brother rarely saw her. Heck, she's a 6 year associate in a big time firm, and he still doesn't see her ALL that often as she works to be one of the few females offered a partnership... It's just known that this sort of big deal schooling takes TIME, and time away from home and family...

 

[DisneyFed]

I'm saying this from the perspective of a husband who's wife was in Grad School when he first got married..........

First, Seek Counselling if you feel like it may work...

Second...your husband needs a swift kick in the rear end and a major dose of "tough love". I'm throwing the BS flag immediately on him. He needs to get a grip and get it quick (I'm saying this as "softly" and as "ungraphic" as I can for this board).....

He's not resepecting you or your efforts. My brother is a Doctor--I know all about what you're going through. I worked 4 jobs while my wife was in grad school...

I was a Detective at a Local Police Department, hours were sometimes long and often challenging--but I supported her 100% and would "disappear" some weekends so she could study. I did the majority of the housework. I sold my bass boat and my hot rod so she could have a reliable vehicle rather than her old beat up Honda Civic. I used her Civic, and I had my patrol car for work.

I worked nights at Blockbuster Video stocking shelves. On weekends I worked security at a retirement home, and other weekends night security at Huddle House.

You need the support. Is he feeling Inadequate? Maybe, but that's his fault, not yours. Sacrifices are part of the job description when you're a husband who has decided to support your wife through school. He should have no issue with that (I didn't).

He is the inconsiderate one, and he clearly does care about you, or he would be off his duff, since he apparently doesn't have to work, and doing whatever he can to make your life easier.

You're in Medical School for goodness sake. Don't let him get away with this stuff, it will only get worse and he'll do whatever he can to control you. Seen this time and time again. Heck, if you look at it honestly, it's probably already happening.

I feel for you, I really do, but I think you need to quick your husband square in the behind....

Compulsive Gamers tend to neglect other stuff sometimes, and need to be "readjusted" to the middle sometimes.

Edited to add:

I wasn't trying to blow my own horn, I just think that you're sliding down a slippery slope and wanted to let you know that this is unacceptable behavior for a loving husband. Support is critical--in all facets of life.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'm saying this from the perspective of a husband who's wife was in Grad School when he first got married..........

First, Seek Counselling if you feel like it may work...

Second...your husband needs a swift kick in the rear end and a major dose of "tough love". I'm throwing the BS flag immediately on him. He needs to get a grip and get it quick (I'm saying this as "softly" and as "ungraphic" as I can for this board).....

He's not resepecting you or your efforts. My brother is a Doctor--I know all about what you're going through. I worked 4 jobs while my wife was in grad school...

I was a Detective at a Local Police Department, hours were sometimes long and often challenging--but I supported her 100% and would "disappear" some weekends so she could study. I did the majority of the housework. I sold my bass boat and my hot rod so she could have a reliable vehicle rather than her old beat up Honda Civic. I used her Civic, and I had my patrol car for work.

I worked nights at Blockbuster Video stocking shelves. On weekends I worked security at a retirement home, and other weekends night security at Huddle House.

You need the support. Is he feeling Inadequate? Maybe, but that's his fault, not yours. Sacrifices are part of the job description when you're a husband who has decided to support your wife through school. He should have no issue with that (I didn't).

He is the inconsiderate one, and he clearly does care about you, or he would be off his duff, since he apparently doesn't have to work, and doing whatever he can to make your life easier.

You're in Medical School for goodness sake. Don't let him get away with this stuff, it will only get worse and he'll do whatever he can to control you. Seen this time and time again. Heck, if you look at it honestly, it's probably already happening.

I feel for you, I really do, but I think you need to quick your husband square in the behind....

Compulsive Gamers tend to neglect other stuff sometimes, and need to be "readjusted" to the middle sometimes.

Edited to add:

I wasn't trying to blow my own horn, I just think that you're sliding down a slippery slope and wanted to let you know that this is unacceptable behavior for a loving husband. Support is critical--in all facets of life.

This is a fabulous post.
Thank you for posting this. I was going to post something alond the same vein but as a woman we get the whole "Man Bashing" complaint.

OP- Tell your DH to stop being a slacker. Put down the game, get some help, then get a job.

 

[DisneyFed]

This is a fabulous post.
Thank you for posting this. I was going to post something alond the same vein but as a woman we get the whole "Man Bashing" complaint.

OP- Tell your DH to stop being a slacker. Put down the game, get some help, then get a job.

Thanks

I was a little nervous about how it might come across.....I wanted to be a little harsher, but I think I got my point across

 

[lovemygoofy]

Go get the counseling. This isn't about you as a wife trying to make your husband feel like a man. This is about your husband needing to feel like a man and it has nothing to do with you.

Unfournately, we always get the most fed up after a destructive routine has set in. You are alot nicer than I am because I guarantee that if my husband was on the playstion or whatever every minute of the day he would find it gone locked away.

I understand that alot of people can get addicted to games just like pain pills. You would get help for that I'm sure and this is no different. This isn't you trying to be a better wife, this is you both becoming a better couple. Good luck to you. I can really tell you are hurting.

 

[rebster]

Thanks for all your replies. I really do appreciate them. I am going to try and find a counselor after this week of nasty tests is over. I am really hoping that the counselor will help DH see that he needs to shape up, and that it will help me forgive and get my faith back in my hubby. I have told him many times to "grow up" or something like that (and not always nicely...unfortunently), but he just tells me I am being judgmental of his choice to play video games, and I guess I am (and I am not sure I see anything wrong with that). I really think he needs to hear it from someone he respects (hopefully we can find someone like that).

 

[lovemygoofy]

Thanks for all your replies. I really do appreciate them. I am going to try and find a counselor after this week of nasty tests is over. I am really hoping that the counselor will help DH see that he needs to shape up, and that it will help me forgive and get my faith back in my hubby. I have told him many times to "grow up" or something like that (and not always nicely...unfortunently), but he just tells me I am being judgmental of his choice to play video games, and I guess I am (and I am not sure I see anything wrong with that). I really think he needs to hear it from someone he respects (hopefully we can find someone like that).

Im going to say this as nicely as possible. You need to find a counselor to help your marriage not to prove you are right or not. Go back and rebuild your solid foundation and let all this stuff go if possible. I know it's easier said than done.

And for what it is worth I don't get the appeal of games myself but I do play them with my 32 year old army career husband. It's something he enjoys that relaxes him just like he doesn't like it but will go with me to the mall and be my muscle. Go to the counseling with an open mind and attitude for both of you. It will help the transition.

 

[crisi]

Have realistic expectations for a counselor. If your husband isn't interested in growing up, the counselor won't be at all successful at getting him to do so - and probably will not even try. Then its up to you to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life married to a child. This is about making your marriage work with the guy you married - or not. Some people are happy working dead end jobs to pay for Mountain Dew and their WoW subscription while living in Mom's basement - and if they have a wife who will substitute in for Mom, that's great.

I divorced the first child I married when it became obvious that my ideas for "growing up" and his choices were not compatible. And the next time I married a grown up.

 

[RMulieri]

I agree with DisneyFED. Your husband needs to BUCK up and a dose of tough love. You are not his mommy, and do not coddle this behavior.You are not responsible for his feelings of inadequacy, nor his well being and happiness.Medical School is incredibly tough...I am a nurse and I see each and everyday what the Med students are going thru, you have enough to worry about.It is time for him to put the game control down ( My husband is a gamer and I would NEVER stand for him pulling BS like that), put his big boy pants on and do his share.I think at this point counseling is your best option.

 

[DisneyFed]

I still say he needs a (insert your shoe size) piece of footwear...right where he sits...

 

[momof2TNboys]

I went through medical school too. I can empathize with how hard it is during that time. My husband was very patient and understanding and helped me out a lot. I think you do really need counseling. I do not think it is enough to just tell him to "buck" up. My husband hardly saw me during med school and it does not get better with residency. It is hard on the family too. I really think you have to have a strong marriage to survive it. You need to work this out now before you are in residency and are gone for more than 30 hours in a row several times a week.

 

[amy_225]

Your husband sounds a lot like my BIL...lol, I had to check the name to make sure it wasn't my sister posting.
Honestly, she has dealt with a gamer for almost their entire nine years of marriage. She would call and cry about how he would get up for work at 6:30, and the second he got home he would be on the games until 3:00 am. How he got on for so long with 3.5 hours of sleep a night, and didn't lose his job, I don't know.
Anyway, they did eventually get some counseling. He still plays games a LOT more than the average person, but he has learned that he has to turn it off for certain things -- like for the sake of having a normal bedtime and going to bed at the same time his wife does. He is a great person overall, and he treats her very well other than that, so I think their biggest problem was his addiction. It sounds like maybe your DH has some other underlying issues, like some others posted. Maybe his disability makes him feel inadequate, or maybe he feels threatened by your intelligence since you're in school all the time and he's at home without a job. I definitely agree, if you want to make the marriage work you will have to get help.
Good luck to you!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I still say he needs a (insert your shoe size) piece of footwear...right where he sits...

Yeah, the OP is a lot more patient than I would be.

 

[rebster]

I really appreciate you reminding me to go into things with an open mind. I am, shall we say, someone who puts very high expectations on myself...and sometimes by extension other situations (and the worst part...other people), so I do need to get rid of these expectations and see what happens. We are going to counseling next Tuesday!

For the speculation about my DH's issues....he has a slew of them...and he has never really dealt with them, so hopefully we can work together towards something. And who I am kidding...I have my own issues too.

Thanks for all your advice

 

[crisi]

May it work out for the best. Good luck with counseling.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I really appreciate you reminding me to go into things with an open mind. I am, shall we say, someone who puts very high expectations on myself...and sometimes by extension other situations (and the worst part...other people), so I do need to get rid of these expectations and see what happens. We are going to counseling next Tuesday!

For the speculation about my DH's issues....he has a slew of them...and he has never really dealt with them, so hopefully we can work together towards something. And who I am kidding...I have my own issues too.

Thanks for all your advice

I don't think expecting your spouse to do something other than play video games day and night is placing high expectations on someone.

 

[kathie859]

I really appreciate you reminding me to go into things with an open mind. I am, shall we say, someone who puts very high expectations on myself...and sometimes by extension other situations (and the worst part...other people), so I do need to get rid of these expectations and see what happens. We are going to counseling next Tuesday!

For the speculation about my DH's issues....he has a slew of them...and he has never really dealt with them, so hopefully we can work together towards something. And who I am kidding...I have my own issues too.

Thanks for all you advice

Good luck to both of you with counseling! Everybody has "issues". It's the successful marriages that find ways to accommodate each other's unique perspective and have a cohesive view of what their married life should look like. Neither of you have to sell out your dreams--but both partners need to be working in a complimentary fashion with one another. Marriage isn't always easy. I should know--we're working on year 41 next month--and, God knows, I have had the occasional homocidal thought--but we always manage to get back on track.

 

[ireland_nicole]

I think the fact that he is willing to go to counseling speaks volumes. It seems like you love each other and are commited to each other, you've just "lost" your connection, and are dealing with it in different ways, apparently some which are not at all productive. (i.e., the gaming)

Marriage is hard work, incredibly hard work, but worth it. None of us are perfect, we all have issues, but it means so much to be able to look back with someone who has travelled the road with you, who knows everything there is to know about you, but loves you any way.

I really believe if you're both commited to making this work it is certainly possible.