Man VS Wife

[DisneyBamaFan]

You need to tell your wife that you need her help. If she says no, you need to decide how important this is to you. This is the kind of thing that puts people in divorce court. In fact, it sounds like it might be close now.

If I asked my wife for this kind of help and she said no, we would be in front of a marriage counsilor the next day. Your wife may not understand it, but she is using you. It might have been perfectly acceptable at some point, but things change, She has to be willing to change, too - and this extends to her policy about her children working (assume they are daughters )

 

[Sparx]

I agree with everyone before me.

You need to talk to your wife, and then talk to your whole family.

Working 80+ hours a week isn't good for the healthiest of us, and you just had major surgery!

I'll 1000% support a family member staying at home and keeping the household running in that aspect, but only when their decision to not work doesn't negatively affect their family. When you choose to not work and it puts your family in financial danger, that's selfish.

Your children should be in school or working (or both!) and if they're working (and not in school) I think they should at least be paying you rent (not very expensive rent but at least enough to teach them a little about budgeting)

I hope everything works out for you!

 

[Amy8888]

My God, are you Al Bundy?

I know stay-at-home-moms work really hard...that's why I only held that position for a year. But I don't think it's quite as true once the kids are considered adults by just about every legal definition. Your wife really should get a job, even if it's only half time. She might realize she has other options in life beyond what her mom did. And your kids should definitely get jobs, again, even if it's only part time. You could charge them for rent if you allow them to live in your house...even if it's only a small amount.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I agree with the rest, they all need to get a job and help out. I lived at home during college, I went to school full time and worked full time. It wasn't easy, but I did it, and graduated with a 4.0 GPA.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

As an add to my post, my grandmother (who was born about 1913) worked outside the home. In fact she owned and ran an antiques store for over 30 years to supplement my grandfather's income.

Not all wives back in the day stayed at home.

 

[Tink888]

I have been in a dispute with my wife for quite some time and I'm losing. I figure with my Dis friends you can help me(either way). I am the only one who is employed in my household. I live in Northeastern PA and job wages really stink around hear to begin with. I work a full time, approx 80-85 hrs per week so a second job for me is out of the question. My wife has not worked since 1989 when she was expecting our first child(now almost 21). Then my son came along in 1992(now 18 yrs). She insists that she comes from a backround where her mother didn't work, her grandmother didn't work etc. I'ts been sooooo long arguing this point that it is now moot. Now, as I said my children,21 & 18 both live at home and neither has a job nor have they. I want them to work, not only for their own benifit but to help me out a little with "room and board". My wife totally disagrees with this. I did it when I worked and I feel so should they. My kids have no problem with this but my DW does. I am struggling so bad, a few months behind in all my bills including rend due to me being out of work for a few months due to brain sergury. Am I wrong for wanting my kids to work and help out or is this just "my" problem. Please let me know so I can show my wife this and then maybe she'll see thwt we are not the only one with kids that help out. I'm sorry this is sooooooo long. Thanks again,
Mike

I didn't read through the entire thread but if you are working 80-85 hours per week to provide for your family and your kids are 21 & 18, then absolutely yes, they should be working and pitching in a little if they're still living at home.

Your wife should be helping out as well, especially if you are struggling in terms of bills. There is nothing wrong with being traditional and having the wife stay home, but if a family is struggling financially, EVERYONE should pitch in.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Wow, I think it is unanimous. Your wife and kids should be working. If my dh was doing what your wife is, I would leave and let him try and figure out how to pay the bills by himself. Sorry, but once the kids are in school there's plenty of time for at least a part time job. Lots of places need weekend help. You are working your tush off, the equivalent of two full time jobs and she refuses to work? She is taking advantage of you and is a very selfish person. So sorry she is like that, you seem like a good and hard working man.

The kids can also work, I've been working since I'm 12 years old. I don't know what people do with all their time, I'm bored at home within a couple of days.

Just wanted to add that I worked at least 20 hours a week the entire time I was in college.

 

[Becky2005]

I'm with you on this one! I just recently went back to work because we need the income. My youngest is SIX!!!! My DH got laid off and is on unemployment right now, so to help with the household, I'm going back to work. Now in our case it is only part-time but it's SOMETHING.

I do have a 16 year old and she has a hectic schedule so we made a deal that basically once she gets her license and if I have to work in the summer and she happens to need to take her brothers somewhere, then I will pay her for that. I'm hoping to pretty much work days during the school year but in the summer put I could work whatever hours.

Would I love to continue to stay home and not work? I sure would but I also happen to like the neighborhood I'm living in and want to keep the house -- so working it is.

Then again, I grew up with my mom working while I was in school too. She didn't work when I was really little so she tells me but I never remember a time she wasn't working.

 

[Buckeye Princess]

My parents had different expectations for my sister and I.

I was expected to work at least some from the time I was 15 so I understood the value of working. I went to college, graduated with two degrees with honors, and then had a very successful career. Now even though I am a stay at home mom, I spend significant time consulting for an investment firm.

My sister was never encouraged to work, and never did. She went to half a semester at a community college and never much went to class. She is now 26 and still has not had a job. She lives at home and doesn't do much of anything nor does she have any motivation to change.

You can imagine my feelings.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Well, I have not yet made it through the whole thread (and I know that bugs some people, sorry, but I can really relate and wanted to put my $.02 in before I have to get back to my housework.)

Anyway, OP, I can totally relate to your wife, doesn't mean I agree with her but I can relate (on her part, totally disagree with the kids though, and I see that can be confusing but here's why.)

I was raised that women stay home and care for their families forever. I loved that even as a teenager if I had a bad day I'd walk in, my grandma (who raided me and has a huge impact on the way I was raised) would see my face and pull out a yellow bad of Nestle morsels and we'd bake cookes. I loved that we'd have good talks after school just the 2 of us, I loved that when I was little we'd go to the park and when I was older we'd watch General Hospital togehter.

I married with the intention of being a wife and mom. DH and I have been married 17 years (next month) and have 3 kids, the oldest is 15. I never worked until September when I got a part time job. It was hard to get myself to do it and just as hard to tell my family that I was. But I got a job as a preschool aid so I don't work school vacatons and stuff, and I don't hate it, it's actually fun while I am there, but 9 months in I still feel like I am not doing what I am meant to be doing. I know being at home is not for everyone and I don't think it "should" be. But it feels right to me and I feel like I am not giving my all to my family since taking the job. I am still trying to figure out if I am a SAHM (as I feel is WHO I am) or a working mom or what. When things come up I feel terribly guilty, like when DD8 got sick one day and I couldn't get a sub for me. DH can't get out of work even for a sick kid so I had to call DD15 home from school for half a day to watch her sick sister. Or the week after next when DD8 has a field trip and I can't go because it is the end of the year party for my preschool class. I had hoped that by now I would have felt better about working and I don't yet. (Though I am sure this has to do with the fact taht my kids are still young, not grown.)

Having said that, while we don't "need" the money, we don't need it because we have learned to live frugally for all these years. But we are not wealthy and the money I have made does help.

I do think your wife needs to find work because financially you need it, but do understand that it will be an adjustment for her. But, she can do it and IMO should do it.

As for your kids, my DD is getting her first job this summer. I got my first job at 16 and I think it is important for learning about money. If you don't earn your own and learn abou what it takes to earn it, you don't appreciate the value of it, again, my opinion.

 

[zippitydoo]

You are totally right. Your kids should get a job and help you out. Your wife should want them to. You do not need this kind of stress.

 

[dicar123]

My mother worked for awhile, when we kids were in school, to help out when things got tight. Since then she hasn't worked at all. Frankly, it has been a great help to various family members.

Mom cared for my unmarried brother after a nasty car accident, she's cared for a sister following a stroke and another sister after an accident as well. I honestly don't know how these people would have been cared for as none of them could get any official nursing after they were released to home, and spouses and grown children had full-time jobs. This is a very valuable role to play in a family and in a community.

That said, this is a luxury you cannot afford. Tell her to get a job.

 

[tasha99]

Your wife should be working to help you out. Really. A grown woman choosing to stay home when a family can afford it is one thing, but to do so when her partner has to work 80+ hours per week to barely tread water financially is disgusting. Your adult kids should be working too, or else they might end up with a work ethic like their mother's.

Sorry if that's harsh, but it sounds to me like you have discussed this at length with her, and she is choosing to sacrifice your health so that she can live her preconceived notion of how her life should be. I think you guys need counseling because a woman who appreciates her partner does not use him and behave that way.

 

[WeLuvDiz]

Thank you all for your support on this. As far as school goes my DD(21) just finished her first semister at collage, which was another $240.00 bill per month stressed on me but nothing is moe important than an education. My DS(18) does nothing, sleeps till 2pm gets up and plays X-Box, wathces the Yankee game,etc. Now, heres where it goes off a cliff, My kids do want to work, I have explained to them about the value of money,life etc but every time the subject arises my wife shoots it down with stuff like "how can we do this with 1 car" or " we can't afford the gas". First off, I work for a transportation company and I have rides everyday to and from work(I haven't been able to drive since Dec. 09 because of my brain issue and the high doseage of pills I take)Second, I have worked since I was 14 yrs old, I always got to work, wheres theres a will theres a way. I think my wife is afraid of being alone or afraid to admit that the kids are grown and don't "need" her like they used to. She is defiently afraid to work, we have looked together in the past and she has literally vomited because of nerves, she says that she's been nothing but a SAHM for the past 21 yrs(we have been married 22 yrs) I love my wife and kids to death but I just can't take much more. After the surgery my (2-24-10) my Dr wanted me out of work until at least July but I HAD to go back not even 4 weeks later due to NO money. I am defiently going to print this out at the end of the weekend and show them, maybe the comments of all my dis friends will help. Thanks for letting me vant and have a great weekend.

 

[Dismagic1]

I have been in a dispute with my wife for quite some time and I'm losing. I figure with my Dis friends you can help me(either way). I am the only one who is employed in my household. I live in Northeastern PA and job wages really stink around hear to begin with. I work a full time, approx 80-85 hrs per week so a second job for me is out of the question. My wife has not worked since 1989 when she was expecting our first child(now almost 21). Then my son came along in 1992(now 18 yrs). She insists that she comes from a backround where her mother didn't work, her grandmother didn't work etc. I'ts been sooooo long arguing this point that it is now moot. Now, as I said my children,21 & 18 both live at home and neither has a job nor have they. I want them to work, not only for their own benifit but to help me out a little with "room and board". My wife totally disagrees with this. I did it when I worked and I feel so should they. My kids have no problem with this but my DW does. I am struggling so bad, a few months behind in all my bills including rend due to me being out of work for a few months due to brain sergury. Am I wrong for wanting my kids to work and help out or is this just "my" problem. Please let me know so I can show my wife this and then maybe she'll see thwt we are not the only one with kids that help out. I'm sorry this is sooooooo long. Thanks again,
Mike

I think you need to put your foot down and just make an executive decision. If you need to yell and scream until they get it, then do it. But I'm angry reading this, and feel bad for you. That's ridiculous!!

 

[It's A Happy Day]

Thank you all for your support on this. As far as school goes my DD(21) just finished her first semister at collage, which was another $240.00 bill per month stressed on me but nothing is moe important than an education. My DS(18) does nothing, sleeps till 2pm gets up and plays X-Box, wathces the Yankee game,etc. Now, heres where it goes off a cliff, My kids do want to work, I have explained to them about the value of money,life etc but every time the subject arises my wife shoots it down with stuff like "how can we do this with 1 car" or " we can't afford the gas". First off, I work for a transportation company and I have rides everyday to and from work(I haven't been able to drive since Dec. 09 because of my brain issue and the high doseage of pills I take)Second, I have worked since I was 14 yrs old, I always got to work, wheres theres a will theres a way. I think my wife is afraid of being alone or afraid to admit that the kids are grown and don't "need" her like they used to. She is defiently afraid to work, we have looked together in the past and she has literally vomited because of nerves, she says that she's been nothing but a SAHM for the past 21 yrs(we have been married 22 yrs) I love my wife and kids to death but I just can't take much more. After the surgery my (2-24-10) my Dr wanted me out of work until at least July but I HAD to go back not even 4 weeks later due to NO money. I am defiently going to print this out at the end of the weekend and show them, maybe the comments of all my dis friends will help. Thanks for letting me vant and have a great weekend.

Let me get this straight....you had to return to work because there was NO income coming in and your wife doesn't think she needs to get a job??? Is she aware of your current financial situation? I ask only because I know couples where 1 person has all the financial responsibility and the other really has no clue.

What is she going to do if God forbid something happens to you and you are completely unable to support the family? Your children are not children anymore and they need to start being adults and become contributing members of society - when does your wife think she should cut the apron strings and let them cross the streeet? But, that being said they are your children not your partner. It is your wife's job to help pitch in when necessary and I think NOW it's NECESSARY! I understand the whole staying at home mom thing and most of that falls on my shoulders BUT, in order to have the life we want I need to work some type of job bringing in a set amount of money. It comes times when you shut up and put out and she needs to see that several things are going to happen if she does not do something....you will end up doing more medical harm than good to yourself, she will have no home and nobody to help out with anything. There are positions in todays society that she could even work from home and make something, anything to help out.

 

[disykat]

After your second post, it appears there's more to this than selfishness or unwillingness. It sounds like your wife needs help with her anxiety issues. If you have health insurance, this should be dealt with by your physician. Only when this issue is addressed will you be able to move forward. Since she's looked, it sounds like willingness is not the issue.

You will need to put your foot down about the kids. It sounds like they are willing as well, but are getting caught up in their mom's issues.

Personally, I don't think showing this thread will help. Shaming her will not deal with an anxiety issue.

 

[WeLuvDiz]

One more thing OP-- does you wife know about all the bills? Does she know how much everything is and how much money is actually coming in? If we were behind in paying anything I wouldn't be able to sleep at night and would do whatever I could to find a job to bring in cash to get our heads above water.

Yes, my wife, daughter and son are aware of ALL the bills including rent that we are behind. They are aware of how much money I make a week and how much we need. I just hope something works out soon because I physically can't do this any more, I'm only 40yo and feel like a 80yo(please,no offense to anyone)

 

[bumbershoot]

we have looked together in the past and she has literally vomited because of nerves

...

I definitely feel for her with that. I actually became an "at home fiancee" because I was nauseated and crying every morning on my way to work...DH finally took pity on me and told me to quit.

But I'm sure if we were ever in such dire straits, I'd deal with it, get the "nicest" job I could find (fabric store? craft store? some other place that I feel basically comfortable in), and help out.

And yeah, the kids should be working in some way. I had a summer job from the moment I legally could, because my mom grew tired of my lazy way of looking for work, and told me that when I got home that evening, I had better have a job. Turns out Jack in the Box was hiring! I worked a work study job all through undergrad and grad school, and even worked at a grocery store as well in grad school.

So yes the kids should have jobs.



My dad and stepmom have let their grown sons laze about. They are 27 and 25 years old (OMG that's disturbing, so old now!), and only one has *some* employment. The older has caused SO much debt it's ridiculous (my dad signing the lease for two different college rental houses, my brother never having anyone else sign a lease, then my dad is responsible for the damage done, for one example), and still doesn't have any job I've ever heard of.

My dad and stepmom, for those reasons and some others (mortgage problems and I have a half sis in HS as well), had to put basicall an entire year of living on credit cards back in '07. They are still paying vast sums of money on those cards and just the amount of interest they pay per month makes me ill.

I definitely feel for their situation and yours, and hope you can *at least* get the kids working soon! And since they are adults, if they are fine with getting jobs, they should just do it! They don't need their mom's permission to help out with finances.


I'm sorry you're feeling so old. We're the same age and I can tell you that 40 doesn't always feel so old...it's definitely something being caused by the finances (and health), so if you can take care of those things, you should feel younger again.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your family needs mental help. Sounds like a lot of anxiety/depression going on. Your wife needs meds and maybe your son as well.

Get some family counseling.

That should be something you do immediately!!!

You are living in a "sick house". Take steps to begin healing.