Man VS Wife

[Planogirl]

Do the kids have transportation? Not having this could limit their choices but they should be doing something. Are they even going to school?

I sympathize with how hard it is for you.

 

[holycow]

I think I remember you back when you were going in for surgery. I'm glad all went well!

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

May I make a suggestion. Your wife may be afraid of having to go out and get a job. What was she going to do if you were disabled after your surgery or if -od forbid you didn't make it????

She needs to put her big girl panties on and get out in the world and help contribute to the family.


Now, I'm a stay at home mom at this time so tell me to shut up but my little one will be in Kindergarten and I'm ready to get out in the world. Frightened as it has been 11 yrs. now but I'm ready.

She needs to get over her fears and once she does she will probably love it.


Your DD's need to get part time jobs too.


I'm glad you are doing well health wise but if you are working all those hours it won't last for long. You will either have a break down or a heart attack.


Good luck!!!

 

[BayouMickey]

I'm dumb-founded..
Really I am sooo tempted to tell you "Your kids are grown, wife isn't contributing, perfect time to get out!"
But I don't know your whole story, I don't think I could live that way. You are indeed a brave and noble man to stick this out.

 

[kaytieeldr]

You're working 80-85 hours a week? You're ALREADY working two jobs - and only getting paid for one!

Your wife's attitude is entirely wrong. My grandmothers did not work. In my mother's generation, one aunt worked following a divorce from a deadbeat, one helped out in her husband's shop - I think more for 'something to do' than need - and my mom went back to work when I was in high school, out of actual need. EVERY woman in my generation works, and EVERY woman in the next generation - 18 to 30 - works, whether from need or desire.

Additionally, your 'children' are adults and she can't prevent them from getting jobs, although, granted, the current economy might.

You need to sit down with your wife and discuss finances and your health bluntly. Have all your unpaid bills, your pay stubs, maybe your tax return... In your case, it sounds like she NEEDS to get a job, both for your family finances and YOUR well-being.

She's 100% wrong. As at least one other person said, she needs to get over the "princess" attitude. Quickly. How is your family going to survive if you become disabled (knock wood you remain healthy and live a long, prosperous life)? She needs to grow up and wake up.

 

[happybratpack]

I'm just curious, are your children students? That might make a difference for some people in their answer. From my perspective, though, it shouldn't keep them from getting a part-time job and pitching in. Like Princesspunkin, my parents had me hand over a set amount each week from my paycheck once I got out of high school and put it aside.

As for your wife, well, I think she is being very short-sighted and fool hardy. It sounds as though you already have been having some health issues. How is she going to get by if something permanent goes wrong with your health? I have always strongly advocated a woman being able to rely on herself financially because life doesn't always go as planned, whether it be due to divorce, or illness / disability, or the passing of a spouse. She should be working to share the load with you, but also for her OWN sake to make sure the family has an income and benefits no matter what curve ball comes along. I am afraid many of us from our generation had mothers that stayed at home, but times do change. Whether she likes it or not, a lot of women go out into the workforce today. She certainly would not be the first.

Agree with this. The kids are getting no responsibility training for real life here, and any cash the Mrs. can bring in should go straight to retirement savings, IMO. Not only should the kids be working, they should be paying rent while they are in your house, and helping to cover food expenses as well. Not that the cash is important, but preparing them for life outside your house is.

You may have to put your foot down on this one, but it will payoff huge for everyone in the family IMO.

ITA with these posts.

It's horribly selfish to make one adult support three other adults who are perfectly capable of earning a wage. I can't imagine sitting at home with my two adult children while my spouse works essentially two jobs to make ends meet. It's insane.

 

[bettymae1121]

Well, if your wife doesn't know you're behind on bills, that's one thing. But if she does know, and she's still okay with you killing yourself at 80+ hours a week while she and the kids sit on their behinds doing nothing, then things need to change in your household, and in a hurry.

If she is dead set against the kids working (and if they are in college full time, that at least is understandable if not pratical) then you need to make her understand that SHE then needs to work. If she doesn't want to work then the kids DO, and they need to pay rent to help you catch up on bills. If she doesn't like either option, then go over her head. You can't make her work but you can make them work! Tell them that you don't care what Mom says, they need to get jobs and help out. They're adults, knowing that you're having money and health troubles should make them want to help, hopefully you won't have to force them.

If everyone refuses to get jobs...then I'm sorry to say you may need to take a hard look at your marriage and your family, and decide if killing yourself to support people that, at that point, appear not to care about you very much is worth it.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

OK. Here goes. I'm a SAHM, and I'm very very familiar with the economy of NEPA. Your kids should work, and should be flying the coop. Sure, you might need to help give them a boost every so often, and that's OK. But yes, I agree wholeheartedly that your *adult* children should have jobs. I know they're not the easiest to find in NEPA right now, but they should be able to find *something* or at least enroll in a community college (I don't know how far you are from Luzerne County, but it's VERY reasonable.)

Why won't your wife work at least part time? I don't get it. If I wen't chasing a little one around, you bet I'd be working-- at least part time!

Good Luck. IMHO, you should be "winning" this one.

 

[daisyyy]

Really?? that is sad that your wife isn't even trying to contribute. After all these years, she's had the good life... why can't she go back to work.. she might find that she actually enjoys it, and then having extra income would be a plus... maybe enjoy a few more dinners out, a nice vacation here and there... not to mention catch up on the bills. LAZY!!!! And an excuse of that from her family didn't work after they had kids... WHAT.... doesn't she realize times have changed.. it's so diificult to get by on one salary. It's not like it was years ago, when you could afford a house and a car on one salary.. now, you really can't... IT"S not fair to you, and she's selfish in my opinion.

 

[disykat]

Okay - first I have to defend families who CHOOSE to have only one spouse working. It is possible for some and a perfectly fine choice for families that choose to do so.

The problem is that this couple is NOT choosing this together. They need a second income to get by. It is going to be hard for the wife in this case to find something that makes much money, but I agree with everyone else that it's time to get out and try.

As for the kids, IMO they will handicapped in the job market - especially the 21 year old. Teens need those first few jobs as a stepping stone into a career. Being able to have employer recommendations from even the most menial job proves their work ethic when they go out looking for something better. Very few students have year round school all the way through high school and college, even if working during school isn't a good choice surely they've had some summer breaks they could work?

 

[DMickey28]

WTH? Seriously?

First, with brain surgery and being out of work for a few months causing you to fall behind on bills, your wife should have been out there looking for a job to pick up that slack. Does she honestly think that the pressure of taking care and providing for 4 adults working 80+ hours a week is healthy for you? Does she care about your well being at all?

Second, are the kids in school full time? Or Part-time? If so, then they should be working AT LEAST part time to pay for their own expenses. I imagine they drive and at the very least have cell phones. So car insurance if they drive your cars, gas, oil change every so often to help, groceries every so often to help you and their own cell bills and misc spending. If they aren't in school full time then they should be paying all of the above and some ... OR Saving it to move out on their own. With PROOF they are saving it.

I am a SAHM too ... my DH makes good money but if something happened and I had to go back I would in a second. Actually I have looked recently but to put two kids in daycare would literally use all my salary. I'd have to make over $60K to make up the difference and I don't have the background for that ..

 

[Tuffcookie]

daisyyy, wrote:After all these years, she's had the good life.

I'm sure the OP's wife has not sat around watching TV and eating bon bons. By having a stay at home wife/mom, it made things nice for the entire family but now this husband & wife need to re-negotiate the working situation.

TC

 

[wdwfan16]

I have been in a dispute with my wife for quite some time and I'm losing. I figure with my Dis friends you can help me(either way). I am the only one who is employed in my household. I live in Northeastern PA and job wages really stink around hear to begin with. I work a full time, approx 80-85 hrs per week so a second job for me is out of the question. My wife has not worked since 1989 when she was expecting our first child(now almost 21). Then my son came along in 1992(now 18 yrs). She insists that she comes from a backround where her mother didn't work, her grandmother didn't work etc. I'ts been sooooo long arguing this point that it is now moot. Now, as I said my children,21 & 18 both live at home and neither has a job nor have they. I want them to work, not only for their own benifit but to help me out a little with "room and board". My wife totally disagrees with this. I did it when I worked and I feel so should they. My kids have no problem with this but my DW does. I am struggling so bad, a few months behind in all my bills including rend due to me being out of work for a few months due to brain sergury. Am I wrong for wanting my kids to work and help out or is this just "my" problem. Please let me know so I can show my wife this and then maybe she'll see thwt we are not the only one with kids that help out. I'm sorry this is sooooooo long. Thanks again,
Mike

Both your kids and your wife need to get a job. No adult is owed a free ride.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

I agree with everyone else that your wife and kids need to get jobs.

I do want to repsond to your wife's point about her mother and grandmother not working: who cares? We aren't living in 1964 (THANK GOD). Whatever her grandma did has nothing to do with here, now, today.

If she won't look for a job, I would force her to counseling. I could not stay married to a person who treated me like an ATM.

 

[jnykly]

They all need to get a job.

Not only did my grandmother work part time way back when, she works part time now to help out (and she's 71!! ). My mom has always worked for as long as I can remember. I had a PT job when I was 15 (heck I was a jr. counselor at a summer camp - no pay, fee waived for being a "helper" - when I was 12 - mom was adamant I wasn't going to goof off all summer ) and worked PT until I finished college.

I went back to my full time job after each pregnancy - DD was 8 weeks and DS was 9 weeks. With DD, I didn't really have a choice, my hubby couldn't have done it alone. With DS, I had the option and chose not to stay home. I love my children, but one of the best things I can teach them is independence!

I never had to pay to live at mom's house after HS since I left home for college and been on my own ever since. My brother has moved home on 2 occasions - once with his family - and paid money towards bills each time. It's only fair and I would have done the same if I had to move back home.

I do agree that there needs to be a family meeting to discuss the ins and outs of everything.....What if something happened to you, the family would definately be in a fix!!!!

 

[surfergirl602]

You are totally in the right here. I feel bad for you. You should not be working so much in one week - that is insane! Yes, those adult children need to get a job, or get out! And it wouldn't be hard for your wife to pick up a part time job somewhere doing something that would be fun for her. They need to go to college, or get a job. Hugs to you for having to deal with this stress. They are all being selfish little brats, in my opinion, especially your wife. You had major surgery and it was okay with her for no one to have a job? What?!?! I would have been working at mcdonalds if that was what it took to keep my family's head above water if my husband were out of work.

I don't work, but I did up until a year ago. We moved from NY to OK (army) and I can't find a job that will pay me enough to cover day care, so I stay at home with our 3 year old and have a little one arriving soon. I do stuff from home to help supplement the income.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Besides agreeing with all of the above, I just want to say to the OP:

Take care of yourself. I can just feel the stress in your post, and this can really be damaging to your health on top of what you've been through with your surgery. Do what you have to in order to look out for yourself, because it doesn't sound like anyone else is going to.

 

[mjkacmom]

Growing up, my mom was a SAHM, but my dad made over 100,000 a year (30+ years ago - not bad). Then, she got a part time job with the county when I was in high school. Then, 3 years away from a full pension, another company bought the one my dad worked at, and he was laid off with a year's severence. The only employment he could get (overqualified) was as a realtor (got his license). Turns out he wasn't good at selling homes.

Fortunately, they had a lot of savings, plus he got a partial pension. THANK GOODNESS for my mom's job, which she still has. Now they have health benefits for life, and she'll get a pension (government employee). If it wasn't for her little part-time job (now she works 32 hours a week, it's very flexible, low paying, but great benefits), they'd be in BIG trouble.

She NEEDS to get a job! And if the kids aren't in college, they do as well. My parents said that as soon as I got out of college, I would get a job, and pay rent (even though they didn't need the money). I was also to be on my own by 25.

 

[esbrick]

I have been in a dispute with my wife for quite some time and I'm losing. I figure with my Dis friends you can help me(either way). I am the only one who is employed in my household. I live in Northeastern PA and job wages really stink around hear to begin with. I work a full time, approx 80-85 hrs per week so a second job for me is out of the question. My wife has not worked since 1989 when she was expecting our first child(now almost 21). Then my son came along in 1992(now 18 yrs). She insists that she comes from a backround where her mother didn't work, her grandmother didn't work etc. I'ts been sooooo long arguing this point that it is now moot. Now, as I said my children,21 & 18 both live at home and neither has a job nor have they. I want them to work, not only for their own benifit but to help me out a little with "room and board". My wife totally disagrees with this. I did it when I worked and I feel so should they. My kids have no problem with this but my DW does. I am struggling so bad, a few months behind in all my bills including rend due to me being out of work for a few months due to brain sergury. Am I wrong for wanting my kids to work and help out or is this just "my" problem. Please let me know so I can show my wife this and then maybe she'll see thwt we are not the only one with kids that help out. I'm sorry this is sooooooo long. Thanks again,
Mike

I'm sorry I should read all the posts but stuck for time right now! One thing and I'm sure someone has put this out there, you children will always be your children but they are NOT kids anymore! 21 and 18 year olds that have never worked are not getting any life experience at all and it is a terrible diservice to them.

To each his own and each family has their own dynamic. I don't want to judge. God bless honey. I hope you can work it out with her.

 

[cheermom1]

WOW I can't even imagine!! I only have a part time job right now but only b/c that was all i could find. My dd has a job and she loves having her own money, but she does have to pay her cell phone and car insurance and gas, that is all we require her to pay. My ds will be getting one himself in about a month. This is a great learning experience for them that they really need. I agree with everyone else they all need to get a job. It is not fair for you at all. and with your health the way it is you would think they would have some kind of sympathy.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Uh...If the kids are not in school and having to keep up with studies, they should be working or moving out. That was the rule in my house.
If you cannot afford to keep things going and are having to work 80 hours a week, then your wife needs to get a job.

I would say something else, but I really don't want to come off as a witch.

There is no reason why you as the husband should carry the sole burden of having to bring home a paycheck.

For financial reasons, I live with my father. When I'm working, I hand over part of my paycheck to him to help with the bills. When I'm not working, I'm actively looking for a job and doing what I can to at least support myself to try not to add to my dad's bills. That means going without certain things, selling stuff online when I can and taking what temp work I can find. I try never to be a burden to my dad as your family is being to you.