Looking for tips on getting kids to sleep alone

[higleytownheros]

My kids nighttime routine is getting increasingly frustrating. My boys are 2 and 4, and are taken up to bed around 9:30. I read them a few stories in their room, then turn out the lights and I lay on the floor next to their beds until they fall asleep. If they fell asleep relatively quickly, like 30 minutes or so, I would probably just continue this routine. They are taking over an hour to fall asleep most nights now, and I usually have things I need to finish up after they go to sleep. I would be able to talk to my 4 year old about going to sleep by himself without him getting too upset. What I don't know how to figure out is how to get my 2 year old to fall asleep in his bed without me there. I've tried leaving the room before and he screams until DH or I come in. When I'm laying next to him waiting for him to fall asleep, he tosses and turns, cries to get out of his crib, cries to have his blanket readjusted (this will go on for 20+ times) and like I said this process usually takes an hour or more. If I ignore him while I'm laying there he will cry louder and just doesn't give up. I'm at a loss for what to do at this point. I can't let him cry it out as he shares the room with his brother. I'm not crazy about the cry it out method anyway. Can anyone come up with some ideas I'm not thinking of? Do most parents of children this age tuck their kids into bed at night and then leave the room? Or is staying with them until they fall asleep typical?

 

[DebRMN]

I tuck them in their beds & leave the room

my 2.5 year old has given me some trouble the last 3 nights, but generally I put her to bed & leave the room too

 

[scottishduffy]

When I was a nanny for 4 yrs the parents had me do this with their girls. I would tuck them in then lay on the floor until they nodded off. For the first year or so they shared a room (Ages 2 and 5 at the time).

We would brush teeth, read a book, put a cup of water next to the bed, give them each an animal to sleep with, then I would tuck them in the bunk beds (2yr old on bottom) and then just be quiet. Lily would try her darndest to talk and insist on getting up but I would only answer with one sentence "Goodnite Lily. It is sleepy time not talking time". I never said anything different to her. If she tried to get out of bed I would just pick her up and put her right back in without talking to her. She was upset the first few times this occured but she got used to it. She cried, but as I figured I was not leaving her alone to cry, I was right there where she could see she wasn't alone, and I would rub her back if she got real upset. I just would not let her out of bed or let her play. I would not speak either. I figured I would rather deal with her waking up her sister and being sad for a week or so as opposed to dealing with never ending bedtime requests for months and months. After she got used to it they could both get to sleep in 15 minutes flat! They were asleep by 8:30 every evening I had them. I would lay on the floor in their rooms and they would fall asleep quickly.

They knew that all our play time had to be done before 7:45, because at 8:15 the nanny went deaf and mute.

 

[cancer_survivor_06]

What about playing music really low baby lullabye/classical type of music or maybe even something they like but really low so that they can hear it just enough to know its there. This way maybe you can read them stories put the music on and walk and you will not have to stay in the room w/ them at all. This is what I do w/ my dd's.

 

[lexie32]

Do you get the tv programme supernanny with jo frost in the U.S she has some really good tips

HTH

Alex

 

[brymolmom]

I think you need to sit down (with spouse or partner if appropriate) and decide what exactly would be best for your family. YOU come up with the plan - it might be - a 'new' nighttime routine - brush teeth, 1 story each child, 1 song, then 5 minutes of lying with the kids and then leave the room. Or some sort of adjustment to this - whatever is best for your family. THEN, sit down with your kids and discuss it - attempt to make it a 'new fun thing' and tell them it's because they're getting to be 'big kids' that they are now 'allowed' to do this new routine. IF you are 'into' rewards (which I am but not everyone is) - tell them that as part of this new routine they get THIS REWARD (extra time on computer, extra time riding bike, a special treat, etc) the day after the new routine IF THEY FOLLOW ALL THE RULES. Then, you lay down the rules - it might be - that you are allowed to cry if you are sad, but do so quietly so that your sibling isn't disturbed (obviously the sibling will be for the first few nights but after that you should be fine) - you are allowed to 'call ' for mommy or daddy ONCE, and that's it. And then, even if you're not tired - you are expected to lay down and rest. If you break the rules - no reward the next day.

Then, here's the toughest part - the PARENTS need to follow the rules too - you NEED to leave the room after the allotted 5 minutes (set a timer for this so they know when it dings - you're gone) - you NEED to take the reward away if they do not follow the rules. You NEED to reward the one who did follow the rules. You NEED to ignore the cries/screams of the child (maybe the first couple of nights with a reminder every half hour - 'you're not following the big boy rules - it's time for sleep - you'll have another chance tomorrow'. So, you see - IMO just like potty training - it's the parents who really need to be prepared to do what they need to do, not so much the kids. If you and partner commit to make it happen - it definitely can be done. The first few days/weeks will be tough but it WILL get easier. Good luck!

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

With my first DD I never let her cry, not once. I rocked her to sleep every night, and held her for every one of her naps. OMG what a mistake! Thankfully, DD was very good and by the time she hit 14 months, she no longer wanted to be rocked to sleep, and just wanted to be put down. There have been times however that she wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to go downstairs and just wont take no for an answer. For instance, Mothers Day 2am - she was up, and thats all there was to it - Happy Mothers Day to me! But now when that happens, we just let her cry/scream/kick it out. It can take an hour plus, but in the end, its better for both of you. I understand that you have another child sleeping in the room - maybe he an sleep somewhere else for the few nights that it takes to brake him of this habbit.
You have to be tough in these situations, you may feel like your being a bad parent, but your really being a bad parent only if you give in to him. It will bed bad at first, and you'll want to give in, but it will get better, night after night. Good luck!

 

[lclark0621]

Try putting them to bed earlier.

My DS is 4.5 and while he can & likes to stay up later, if I put him to bed earlier he goes to sleep easier.

I dont like cry it out either, so it was never an option for us.

I started by laying right next to him, then I started sitting next to him on the bed. Eventually I was sitting by the door on nights until he fell asleep. And now I read him books, sing him songs & out the door.

But honestly, more times then not, he is asleep before I leave the room because he is falling asleep much faster these days (starting school really pushed the earlier bedtimes & going to sleep faster).

 

[DebRMN]

I figured I would rather deal with her waking up her sister and being sad for a week or so as opposed to dealing with never ending bedtime requests for months and months.

or years.......
I totally agree.
I also agree with the poster about an earlier bedtime.
what tiem do they wake up? does the older one still take a nap? (I assumethe little one does)

 

[perkinsrose]

Read "Solve Your child's Sleep Problem" by Richard Ferber

As much as you want to comfort your child when they're going to sleep, staying in the room with them not helping them and not teaching them to fall asleep on their own. Young children depend on parents for so much but i don't think they should depend on parents for ability to fall asleep.

My two (6 & 8) that share a room have gone to sleep on their own since a few months old. Their bedtime is usually staggered so the younger goes to bed first. I have used same bedtime music CD for naps and bedtime since they were born. Kenny Loggins Return to Pooh Corner --just listening to it makes me drowsy!

Young kids definately go to sleep easier and quicker at an early hour.

Crying it out will work --if you stick to it. when an adult gives in to screaming, it teaches child to cry long enough to eventually get what they want or what has become their routine. Breaks your heart to listen to crying I know. Its mom's instinct to soothe.

As hard as it is--the sooner the better to break habits.

 

[GoinToDisney]

Remember that even Ferber says that his method will not work with some kids. My dd was one of those kids. What I did was lay in bed with her, but I was "silly and forgetful" sometimes and I would have to leave the room to go and get something a few times each night. The first time, I left once or twice and then increased the number of times I left and increased the amount of time I was gone. She would cry a bit at first . Eventually, I could leave more and more until she just got used to it and falls asleep on her own. A big turning point for her was actually switching her to a bog girl bed at 2 years, 3 months. She always hated her crib. There are nights now where she will complain a bit, but we try to go in as little as possible. The more we help at this point, the more problems she has.

What is your bedtime routine like and how early do you start? A consistent bedtime routine works wonders for my dd. We do bedtime snack, clean up toys, brush teeth, stories and play a cd of soothing music. Dh handles bedtime now, and when he starts to inch back the time or skip anything, it throws her off.

 

[minkydog]

With my first DD I never let her cry, not once. I rocked her to sleep every night, and held her for every one of her naps. OMG what a mistake! Thankfully, DD was very good and by the time she hit 14 months, she no longer wanted to be rocked to sleep, and just wanted to be put down. There have been times however that she wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to go downstairs and just wont take no for an answer. For instance, Mothers Day 2am - she was up, and thats all there was to it - Happy Mothers Day to me! But now when that happens, we just let her cry/scream/kick it out. It can take an hour plus, but in the end, its better for both of you. I understand that you have another child sleeping in the room - maybe he an sleep somewhere else for the few nights that it takes to brake him of this habbit.
You have to be tough in these situations, you may feel like your being a bad parent, but your really being a bad parent only if you give in to him. It will bed bad at first, and you'll want to give in, but it will get better, night after night. Good luck!

I could have written this post! my oldest child was never allowed to cry,and he slept in our bed until he was 5. now i know that a lot of people think that's just fine, but it was not fine with me. We could devise all the little "bedtime routines" in the world, but when it came down to it he just couldnt go to sleep on his own.

I did things differently the next time around.
do your thang, put the kids to bed separately, then walk away ( 2yo can go to bed easily 1hr before the older one.) It will be loud at fist,but eventually they will settle down. You are not helping them by letting them draw out bedtime like this.

And just so you know--my oldest is now 21 and still has difficulty with sleep. The 12 & 14yo can sleep absolutely anywhere.

 

[higleytownheros]

Thank you to everyone for posting your ideas. I'm determined to make bedtime easier for all of us ... and I know from last night that this is not going to be easy.

Our bedtime routine is a bath, quiet playtime for about half an hour, then 2 books up in their room and when it's time to lay down I put static on the radio. Last night we followed our routine and took them up at 8:45 instead of 9:30. Then, I had intended on trying the method of moving farther out of the room each night and ignore all requests by just saying "It's time to sleep". My 4 year old went right to sleep. My 2 year old didn't mind that I wasn't right next to his crib, but he was not happy when I didn't do the things he wanted ... and he actually threw everything out of his crib ... blanket, pillow, then wanted them back of course. Unfortunately I did give in a couple of times, thinking if he had his things he'd be able to settle down. When I realized this wasn't working we changed the plan and decided to let him cry for 5 minutes, then go tuck him in and settle him down. We did this for maybe 45 minutes and the last time my DH went up to settle him down, he stayed over 5 minutes and my son fell asleep with DH in the room DH claimed he couldn't leave with DS2 looking at him ...

Well the good news is that we agreed that we'll try the cry it out for 5 minutes method and see how that goes. And we've agreed to both follow through with it. Through all of the crying, DS4 never woke up! He usually takes a short nap when my 2 year old goes down in the afternoon, but lately he hasn't been falling asleep. We're probably going to move to having a quiet time for him in the afternoon instead of a nap. Thank you again to everyone who gave advice ... this has really helped me to create a plan.

One more thing I'm worried about now. I'm concerned by waiting 5 minutes to comfort DS2 when he's upset will cause him to think that we're not in the house and he'll cry louder. And I also worry that he'll think we're not here for him when he needs us. I'm hoping that I'm just be silly about that and in the long run this could be better for him to be able to get to sleep without DH or me.

 

[barnaby1]

Congratulations on making a start.

It will get easier as long as you are consistant. You have had lots of great advice, nothing to add from me except a friend of mine once used the technique of saying that mummy was going to have a shower and that she would check on them when she was finished. If they called out she would remind them she was in the shower. It worked for her.

As for your concerns about your younger child feeling abandoned, children assess the whole package, not single episodes. He is old enough to have it explained and as longs as there is lots of love, time and support while awake he will be fine.

You will find what works for you. It is a wonderful feeling putting your little ones to bed with a story, a cuddle and then turning off the lights and just leaving the room with a "goodnight". It makes for happier mummies and daddies too!!

 

[brandylouwho]

Oh goodness, we are going through a similar thing right now. We never stuck it out and made our eldest sleep alone in her bed, now she is 4 and we are finally on track (I think). I love snuggling with her, but none of us get a good nights sleep when we are all in the same bed.

We go to bed around 8:00pm (a little early for my taste, but it works). DH and I trade off, one takes the 7 mo old, the other takes the 4 year old. With the 4 year old we read 1 bed time story, then it is lights out. She says her prayers and maybe chit chat for about 3 minutes (silly stuff, like kisses and I love yous and whatever comes to her mind). Then I sit or lie next to her. She is usually out within 15 minutes. She knows I will not stay all night, only a few mintes until she nods off.

We are also using bribes right now-and she can earn a little toy or an extra trip to the kids musuem or whatever for every 7 nights she sleeps in her own bed all night. That gradually will phase out. I am sure bribes aren't in the good parenting book, but it has really helped to motivate her.

We also make a very big deal about it when she does well, tell her we are proud, that she is a big girl and she "must be 4 now" since she can sleep in her own bed all night. (she just turned 4).

We also have a child gate up at her door (I cannot bring myself to shut her in a room that she could not escape from on her own accord). The gate is really to keep the dog out (he jumps on her bed & practically pushes her out) but she thinks it is to remind her that she is not supposed to sneak into mom & dads bed at night.

We have struggled on and off with this and always gave up, she is one stubborn kid, but it is time. Now that we have 2 kids we know all 4 of us don't fit in our bed and everyone deserves a good nights sleep.

Oh the lessons we have learned. Poor daughter #2 doesn't get away with anything.

 

[brergnat]

9:30 is too late of a bedtime for 2 and 4 year olds. At this age, they need approximately 12 hours of consecutive nighttime sleep. Bedtime should be between 6-8pm (at the latest). I assume they don't sleep in until 10am, right? Your kids are most likely chronically overtired, leading to the excessive fussiness/staying up late at night. You need to break this cycle.

My boys are 3.5 and 22 months. Bathtime is 6:45. Bedtime is immediately after. By 7:15 every night, they are in bed, lights out, on their own. My older one has lately taken to staying up until 8:30 or so, talking to himself. We ignore him. He falls asleep eventually.

Unfortunately, YOU established a habit (laying in the room with them until they are asleep) that you now want your kids to break. It won't be easy for anyone.

My personal opinion is to make the change cold turkey. Have a talk with your kids that they are "big boys" now and that they will be falling asleep with each other as company from now on. Tell them that mommy has "grown up" things to do after they are in bed, and you can no longer stay with them. That is all. Start immediately. Your kids will fuss and cry. The older one will probably fall asleep through your younger one's fussing, so don't worry about that. At the worst, they will each have a few nights where they keep each other awake, but the more abruptly you change this routine, the faster they will adjust (trust me). Kids that age are resilient to change. In a week, they will have completely forgotten that you used to stay on the floor with them.

This will probably be harder for you than them. What I do when my kids fuss after I put them down (and they do from time to time), is get into the shower. At least that way I can't hear them. EVERY time, when I get out, they're both out cold. They learn VERY quickly that if their behavior does not get a response, it's not worth it. They will get tired enough to fall asleep eventually. It will be a faster process if you DON'T go in there at all.