Let's keep those family issues going - birthdays

[MamaBelle4]

That's why everybody should have a shared family online calendar. We use Google calendar. I might not remember I'm supposed to be be somewhere on Saturday, but I can check my phone

"We" use cozi. But I'm terrible with it. I prefer writing things down.

 

[MamaBelle4]

My FIL only remembers my kids birthdays half the time, but remembers the birthdays of my SIL kids and grand kids. Why her kids and not DHs? Basically it comes down to SIL had kids when SIL and DHs mom was still alive, and they watched her kids. DH is younger and had children a decade after she past away. Our kids are regularly forgotten. Heck we were told that they are not allowed at FIL and stepMIL house, yet SIL grand kids who are just as rambunctious as mine are .

Oh, the grandkids and great grand kids of stepMIL are remembered.

That is so sad. I'm sorry.

 

[RangerPooh]

That is so sad. I'm sorry.

Sadly we/our kids have become accustomed to it.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Sadly we/our kids have become accustomed to it.

It is unfortunate how that happens.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

That is how it is here, I get the "are we doing anything this weekend?" before he makes any plans for himself. If it is somebody's party I will remind him and it is like he is hearing it for the first time LOL

We joke that I'm my husband's secretary. Only for plans though.

Truth is he has horrible memory. It took a while but now he's got the system down. Ask me what plans we have and I'll check my calendar on my phone and also jog (edited: corrected word) through my memory (sometimes even I forget) and he'll get back to the person. Majority of things we talk to each other first before making plans but every now and then something doesn't need to because of the requested activity.

 

[BLAZEY]

We attend all family birthdays on both sides. Exception might be attending my cousins kids birthday. We always send the invite, but due to travel required we don't always make it. I always send a gift with my aunt for the birthday boy from us. DD is skipping going to her paternal grandparents tonight in order to attend her cousins family party (cake & presents). DD8 will also be attending the kids party next week. We see our nieces and nephew on both sides weekly so, not attending a party is a very rare occurrence or at least sending a gift is unheard of.

 

[cabanafrau]

Of course it isn't. My one brother can't make it. That's fine, I get it. I don't know if you saw my response to PP, but besides thinking he is lying (which I do) he threw a total crap fit when our one SIL couldn't make it to his son's party because her son (with diabetes) was ill. Because it affected him. If he just didn't want to come for whatever reason a simple, "Sorry, MamaBelle, we can't make it." No need to give me an excuse or a lie.



Yes, that may be true in some cases. But his oldest is 4. The only thing he does is daycare.



Probably true in most areas. But we are talking about an area of the country where the nearest grocery store is 15 minutes away. You have to drive to go anywhere. And I'm having the party at our parents' house specifically because it is more central to everyone than mine. I live 1 1/2 hours away from my brother (yet I still drove to his house for his son's party).

And I understand that I've not relayed everything that tells me he is withdrawing from our family. I could, but the post would be several pages long. I'm just sad that my DD5 barely gets to see him and barely even knows him.

Maybe he is withdrawing from your family. It happens. Maybe what you view as withdrawing from your family is nowhere near how he sees it.

This type of thing is where it's really helpful to remember that the lens we use to view things has a filter that allows us to include our intentions behind the things we do and don't do. Our perspective generally doesn't allow us to view others with the benefit of that same lens. Your responses to me only reflect your viewpoint of the situation -- which is understandable, that's all you've got. Maybe leave a little room for what you don't know about your brother's perspective if your real wish is for him to remain a close member of the family.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Situations like this make me glad that my family is spread across the country!

We always do big bday parties, 30-50 ppl, and if someone can't make it, my feelings are not hurt. We all know what we mean to each other and we keep it low presure

OP, you can't control others' actions, but you can control how you react. Enjoy the party, make special memories with those who can make it, and don't let the no-shows ruin your day.

 

[Poohforyou]

It's threads like this that make me thankful my family isn't close by.

I'm not a fan of extended family parties for every occasion. I get 1st birthday, communion, confirmation, bar/bat mitzvah, sweet 16, graduation, etc., but every birthday for every kid just seems like a lot.

I wouldn't also appreciate being made to feel badly if I don't want to attend.

I love my family and often wish they lived closer but not when I hear nonsense from others who's family lives close by.

 

[MamaBelle4]

responses to me only reflect your viewpoint of the situation -- which is understandable, that's all you've got. Maybe leave a little room for what you don't know about your brother's perspective if your real wish is for him to remain a close member of the family.

You're right. All I've got is my perspective (and my sister's too, who sees what I see). I have my suspicions on what is causing the withdrawal, but that is neither here nor there.

I don't think he can reasonably expect everyone to show up for his kids' events if he doesn't do the same. But I guess he can because I would go regardless. My nephew loves playing with my kids, so I wouldn't skip out on his parties.

As I said before, I'm just sad. We've already lost the relationship with my one brother and only hear from him, maybe 1x a year and I don't want to lose another. Just, sad.

 

[morgan98]

You're right. All I've got is my perspective (and my sister's too, who sees what I see). I have my suspicions on what is causing the withdrawal, but that is neither here nor there.

I don't think he can reasonably expect everyone to show up for his kids' events if he doesn't do the same. But I guess he can because I would go regardless. My nephew loves playing with my kids, so I wouldn't skip out on his parties.

As I said before, I'm just sad. We've already lost the relationship with my one brother and only hear from him, maybe 1x a year and I don't want to lose another. Just, sad.

I understand now, OP, that it seems like the change in your brother is what is bothering you more (perhaps) than him just missing this one event. Unfortunately, as people start having their own families and lives, things sometimes do change. Also, don't get worked up if you cannot make an event of his. I think everyone would benefit from just attending what they can and not having unrealistic expectation of others' attendance at family events.

I agree with the previous poster. I would be upset if it was a milestone event, but a regular birthday party multiplied by numerous nieces and nephews sounds like a lot to me.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I'm not a fan of extended family parties for every occasion. I get 1st birthday, communion, confirmation, bar/bat mitzvah, sweet 16, graduation, etc., but every birthday for every kid just seems like a lot.

I wouldn't also appreciate being made to feel badly if I don't want to attend.

That's how our family operates. Again, it isn't a huge party. Just lunch and cake essentially. Sometimes the only present is the one we give.

And it isn't a matter of making him feel bad for not wanting/not being able to come. My other brother can't make it, that's fine. It's that I'm pretty sure he lied to me. And this is the second year in a row he's done this to DD5. But he would throw a major tantrum if I didn't come to his son's party. He was upset enough I was late (I had prior plans and let him know I had already committed to them as soon as he invited me and told him as long as it was okay I would come over still, just be a couple of hours late).

Basically, I'm just sad about the whole situation.

 

[diznygirl]

Family parties are always a problem for us because of some that don't get along. We have to juggle them, and usually end up with two separate parties. This is why once the kids got to school we stopped having family birthday parties. We only have one kids party, and on the actual day we take them out to dinner wherever they want to go. Family can send cards/presents or not, but no family party.

The rest of the holidays and life events are still a juggling act, but at least the pressure is off for birthdays.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Sometimes, when you apply too much pressure on a relationship, it causes it to crumble. You say you've lost one brother's relationship, and now a second one is starting to pull away. Maybe try giving each other some space and re-evaluate the dynamics.

 

[mjkacmom]

How many kids does he have? Do the other siblings have more kids? I’m also in charge of our social calendar (DH is in charge of sports). He always has to ask me if we have plans, it drives me nuts when someone sends an evite to his email and not mine, there is no way he will respond, or mention it to me.

We just had our IL’s here for Christmas, so I wouldn’t expect them here 3 weeks later for a birthday, they live an hour away. Lots of big close families here, I’m good friends with many, but it starts getting tough when the kids get bigger, and their weekends are jammed packed with sports and other activities, even their own social obligations. I see many parents divide and concur, trying to fit in the family stuff, but most family is local.

 

[SirDuff]

When I lived in the same city as my niece and nephew, I prioritized attending their parties. Then I moved (first about 500 miles and now about 4,000 miles away), so I just cannot do it. Actually makes me really sad.

 

[usnuzuloose]

The way I see it, you ask if they say yes and don't show no big deal. You can't make people do what you want. If they say no let it go.
I don't want or need drama in my life.

 

[Hikergirl]

I love my family but I'll admit that sometimes I just don't want to go to whatever function is going on. If there is anything over a 20 minute drive then that makes the feeling of not wanting to go even stronger.
If there is a large family where there are parties every other week I can see someone not wanting to attend every single one of them.
I get that way around the holidays. We have multiple birthdays in Sept, Oct, and a bunch in Nov plus Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. All the getting together gets exhausting. My own kids birthdays fall in those time frames, I just stopped doing family parties for them and just did friend parties when they were younger. It was much easier for everyone. I wish some of my family members did the same, but whatever, we made it to some parties but not to others.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Sometimes, when you apply too much pressure on a relationship, it causes it to crumble. You say you've lost one brother's relationship, and now a second one is starting to pull away. Maybe try giving each other some space and re-evaluate the dynamics.

I don't want to get into the whole story with that brother, but in summary, he moved 4 hours away with his now wife (I guess?) who is a crazy, opiod addicted mess. My nephew (12) showed my parents a video of his mom, in which she appeared to be overdosing on their last visit. I tried to be supportive of him, but he is in denial of his wife's addiction (she keeps claiming she's sick and/or she is on drugs to get off the drugs for 4 years straight now and everything he sees is just her detoxing) and I can't condone him endangering his children. They were all born addicted and CYS has made some house calls. I can't do anything for him and the kids until he realizes he needs to.

How many kids does he have? Do the other siblings have more kids?

He has 2. Yes. I win that prize, I have 5. His oldest is 4 and only goes to daycare. My oldest three do dance, the oldest two do cheerleading.

Then I moved (first about 500 miles and now about 4,000 miles away), so I just cannot do it. Actually makes me really sad.

Reminds me of my sister. She moved several hours away for a couple years and was always so sad around the kids' birthdays because she couldn't make it. But they understood. We would just call and talk to her for a while so she would still feel involved.

 

[MamaBelle4]

The way I see it, you ask if they say yes and don't show no big deal. You can't make people do what you want. If they say no let it go.
I don't want or need drama in my life.

You're right. But there's no reason to lie. I didn't ask for an excuse. I didn't angrily demand "Why? What is so important you can't come to my precious angel's party? You're a terrible brother and I put a curse on your house forever." He chose to tell me, what I am convinced is a lie (for several reasons, mostly already mentioned). And it isn't the first time. And I hate being lied to.

I love my family but I'll admit that sometimes I just don't want to go to whatever function is going on. If there is anything over a 20 minute drive then that makes the feeling of not wanting to go even stronger.

Oh, I agree. Sometimes when my DH has worked a ton of OT and we are supposed to go somewhere, it is so hard to drag ourselves out to the car when all we want to do is spend time as a family. We still go though, but I wouldn't fault anyone for not going. Another brother isn't coming and that's fine. But I'm pretty sure this one is lying to me.