Less than normal siblings and enabling parents?

[TheRatPack]

Okay, I'll just start by saying this is all hypothetical Yea, right!

Anyone with less than normal siblings? And by normal I mean, drug abusers who've lost their morals/values/children and spouses? Prostitution, drugs and a complete break down of everything they once were. And still be the ultimate center of the universe for your parents?

Have you gotten tired of it and left it all behind? I'm just not sure how to distance myself from these members of my family with out completely alienating my children from grandparents....etc. But I'm tired of my kids living in a soap opera too.

Help

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

Oh yeah, I've been blessed with one of those sibs. She's pathetic. And the situation is hugely complicated by the fact that she is now pretty much living with my elderly mother, and that in the last two years, since my mother had a tumor removed from her spinal cord, I've had to see a lot of her.

I have cut down on the time I spend at my mother's. My kids, who adored my mother and loved to see her, dread going now. It's a miserable situation.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hoping that my mom will move into an assisted living place near me, that my sister goes back to her own apartment in another state and gets herself a life (or not...as long as she's not around me), and that my kids and I can re-establish a closer relationship with mom.

It ain't easy.

I keep wondering what's going to happen to dear sis when mom is gone. I sure as hell am NOT going to let her latch onto me.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

Are you talking about MY family?

Brother #1 - he and his wife used and sold drugs for years, cleaned himself up. His wife has a beef with our mother, since I have a relationship with our mother, she refuses to let my brother have a relationship with me.

Brother #2 - drug user. Hates everybody in the family.

Brother #3 - used to use drugs, not he's clean but is an alcoholic. Our mom constantly gives him money for stuff because he always has a sob story. He's also married and has a girlfriend on the side - my mom said he could bring his "girlfriend" to her house to visit.

Sister #1 - don't know her.

Sister #2 - is bordering on being an alcoholic, but otherwise she's the only siste I have a relationship with. She got divorced and couldn't keep a job, so for the past year our mother has paid her rent, food and utlities. She's got a job now, but sill mooches money off my mom.

Sister #3 - once a hard drug user, now just dabbles. Has been a moocher and has sponged off the system her entire life. Neither her nor her husband work. She lives in a doublewide on some property that my mother owns, and has lived there rent free for almost 8 years. She's always asking my mom for money, and my mom will complain, but then give it to her.

I'm the most normal and put-together member of this dysfunctional family! That's why I don't have a relationship with my brothers and sisters, except for two of them and they live in other states. It's sad that my kids don't know their aunts and uncles, but it's better off that way. I don't cut off their grandparents because they enable these losers, because my parents are good to my kids.

 

[minniecarousel]

We have a rather sad situation in our family. Our youngest brother was in an accident 20 years ago and suffered a severe head injury. He now lives on his own but is unable to work. To look at him, he doesn't look disabled, but he is. He refuses to take his anti-depressant. He'll take his anti-siezure medication (thankfully). He has one friend - who is bi-polar & depressed. He was once engaged to a bi-polar woman who called it off once she was victim of his temper (verbal, not physical). He sometimes calls our 89 year-old mother 5 times a day. My sister is currently looking for another place for him to live - one too many furious yelling incidents for his current landlord. He doesn't even try to help himself. We must be an entire family of enablers - hard to know what is a result of the head injury and what may be actual mental illness.

 

[Crankyshank]

I'm fortunate in that both of my siblings are fairly normal. However DH's sister is one of the "helpless" sorts that is living with my in-laws who are raising her two children. DH had enough at our visit in October when SIL was pretty much excused from all of her bad behavior and it was blamed on me for instigating (excuse me for saying something when I was told by supermom SIL that I shouldn't have kids because I'm Catholic and it's not fair to doom your baby to hell). So he pretty much doesn't speak to his sister and rarely speaks to his parents.

Also my Mother has a brother that let's just say there isn't enough bandwidth to go into just how pathetic his life is and how much my grandparents enable that behavior of drinking, prescription drug abuse, paying for everything and carting him around. He's stashed away several hundred thousand dollars over the course of 45yrs because my Grandparents pay for everything and every week my mother has a more outrageous story to share about them (example: they do his ex-wife's laundry. His daughter dropped out of HS and doesn't work. Grandparents drive her everywhere and give her money. Yet they never give myself or my siblings money and told my parents to make sure my sister gets a job during her summer break )
I've pretty much washed my hands of the situation in both cases. When I found out my grandparents revised their will so money is divided equally between their 3 kids with bequests for my 3 cousins (one of them being my drop out cousin and the other 2 are cousins no one has heard from in 15yrs because my other uncle divorced his wife who is now living in FL) with no $$ for my siblings and I because "we can take care of ourselves" - I had enough.

I'm tired of people profiting from abusive leeching behavior with a "ppo me I'm helpless" attitude.

 

[minkydog]

We have a rather sad situation in our family. Our youngest brother was in an accident 20 years ago and suffered a severe head injury. He now lives on his own but is unable to work. To look at him, he doesn't look disabled, but he is. He refuses to take his anti-depressant. He'll take his anti-siezure medication (thankfully). He has one friend - who is bi-polar & depressed. He was once engaged to a bi-polar woman who called it off once she was victim of his temper (verbal, not physical). He sometimes calls our 89 year-old mother 5 times a day. My sister is currently looking for another place for him to live - one too many furious yelling incidents for his current landlord. He doesn't even try to help himself. We must be an entire family of enablers - hard to know what is a result of the head injury and what may be actual mental illness.

This must be draining for all of you. I can't imagine how your mother must feel.

My brother lives with chronic depression, chronic pain and alcoholism. he woun't seek treament for any of it. He was medically dischrged from the Navy on 60%disability.He can work some, but only about 15hrs aweek, due to severe arthritis. He works on boats, so he is on the water, in the elements all day. My mother feels sorry for him, takes his side in everything even though his violent rages have driven his wife and children away. He has a lot of friends and would give you the shirt off his back, as long as your not living with him. He has no time or interest in his family.

My biggest complaint with him is that he won't seek help. He has given up on getting any relief so he drinks heavily to self-medicate, which further isolates him. I imagine his is bipolar(my son is, so I'm very aware of it in others.) It's a pity he won't let a doctor help him--he's only 45.

 

[TheRatPack]

Wow, so it doesn't make you mad at all that your parents enable the behavior? My parents see me lately as another parent or a best friend or something. My dad always telling me that he's bought things for her upcoming baby and his wife has knitted blankets...etc. He paid her bail money time and time again and took out personal loans to get her through things (divorce, trying to get her kids back....etc).

My mother flies in from out of town everytime something goes wrong and gives me all this crap about my sister being forced to down the drugs, and that her boyfriend is crazy and that if my mother would just come get her out of the drug rehab hospital that she was going to leave him....etc. Of course she went right back to the guy and cursed my mom out over the phone when she got off her flight.

I'm so tired of it, we were pretty much split as siblings. My mother made many of the mistakes my sister is now making with drugs and losing her children (my sister and me) and so we grew up with grandparents. My sister has always been that difficult child but always the one that could get anyone wrapped around her little finger. I've always been quiet and never wanted to do anything to upset or let my parents/grandparents down.....and where has that gotten me.

I'm tired of showing up at family get togethers only to hear "Is your sister coming?", well as long as she's here I guess I can leave.....ugghhh! My husband had enough of it so he called one of the people involved this morning and he got cursed at, hung up on and threatened. Of course I took offense because really I'm one person to just let it roll off my back and how dare him call my family about my problem. But then after thinking about it, I realize he was doing it to support me and he wasn't mean or anything to this person.

Regardless I'm tired of being the person who has to watch them give her money, and anything else she'd need to support her lifestyle and be blinded by her behavior and two faced attitude. We just sold our house, think I'll check a few states over to move.....maybe it would work out better that way.

 

[mickeyboat]

Both of my brothers dropped out of high school. One went into the army, and after serving 4 years (two 1/2 of which he was deployed), he is now an electrician's apprentice.

My other brother got a great job managing an oil change place, got married, had a daughter, and then started drinking. They lost their home, he became estranged from her parents who are supporting their daughter and her children, and he ended up moving in with my mother - who supported him for 5 years - while he stole every bit of spare change she had. Last month my mother did the bravest thing she has even done, and kicked him out. He went to a homeless shelter, and has entered a program. I haven't talked to her recently, but last time I spoke to my mom, my brother was progressing well in the program, but it will take a lot of time and commitment.

We have litle to no contact with my "troubled" brother, as he lives in NC and we are in VT.

Denae

 

[AllyandJack]

No siblings, but cousins.

#1: Level 3 Sex Offender. He has 3 kids by 2 different women. He's served his sentence, but he can't leave prison because he nowhere to live. He can't live with his "fiance" (his parents bought her the cheesy diamond ring) because he's not allowed to be around any children under 18 and that includes his 5 year old daughter and newborn son. The son was born because the "fiance's" welfare was about to be cut off. So, have another kid, keep the checks a-comin'. She has another child with another guy (surprise, surprise), but he was taken away from her. The 5 year old has been in and out of her home but DSS just keeps giving her back. But, he's the victim. If only someone would give him a job, he could get his own place. The guy has never worked a day in his life and now, a convicted sex offender, people are supposed to pop out of the woodwork and give him a job because....well, life owes these people everything, didn't you know?

#2: This is #1's sister. She started stealing from her parents to support her drug habit around age 18. She sold the TV in her bedroom, they bought her a new one. She crashed the car they bought her (hit and run while she was high) and they buy her a new one. They can't put this one on the road because she has over $800. in parking tickets that her parents can't afford to pay (because if they could, they would). She takes off for days at a time and leaves her son with her parents (the son she conceived in a broom closet in drug rehab). Then she comes home and we all have to hear about how good she's doing. "Oh, she's been doing so good." Meaning: "It's been a whole week since she last punched me in the face!" Yeah, she beats the crap out of her mother - repeatedly - while her son watches. I avoided them this Easter because I can't sit there for another round of "Mummy loves you! Mummy loves you! You know, if we can get the doctor to give him Ritalin, we can get him on disability and they'll give me about $300./month! Mummy loves you!" When she takes off, she usually steals their debit card and their car...they never report it....they just lower the daily max to $500. so she can't steal TOO MUCH and hope she doesn't crash up the car - well, hope she doesn't crash THEIR car. It's been OK the FOUR TIMES she's hit OTHER cars and took off leaving the owner to foot the insurance bill. They bought her an iPod for X-Mas, she "lost" it (uh huh ), they bought her a new one. But, take heart, dear friends because our tax dollars fund her drug habit. She gets her welfare check and it promptly goes right up her nose. We also paid for her to go to school....to become a pharmacy technician. This way, she can steal the oxy from the pharmacy and not her father (he had a rare disease a few years ago). She's cutting out the middle man. But, she's been "doing so good" - so, to honor her getting an actual job (we expect this to last about 2 months - my parents and I are taking bets), her mother took her out and charged up over $500. in clothes.

 

[grinningghost]

Oh God yes. DH's siblings - all of them. Been in jail, drugs, theft, welfare fraud, you name it - white trash of the worst kind.

And which of the children got disowned? DH. The only one who works for a living, has a nice home, takes care of his child and obeys the law.

Go figure.

 

[Chicago526]

My brother's are normal, and DH is an only child (thank God!) but I've got a cousin that was touch and go for a while. He was in jail for a while (Grandma gave him money for a lawyer for the trial, told her he was inocent then turned around and pled "guilty" when the evidence turned out to be overwhelming), and when he got out he put himself into drug rehab, came out and married his pregnant girlfriend who he also had another child with. He seems to have straightend out his life, though, and he's been doing well for a few years, I really hope he can stick with it. They both have jobs and have their own place now. I saw them two Christmas's ago and they seemed okay. Here's keeping my fingers crossed!

 

[MamaLema]

Are you talking about MY family?

Brother #1 - he and his wife used and sold drugs for years, cleaned himself up. His wife has a beef with our mother, since I have a relationship with our mother, she refuses to let my brother have a relationship with me.

Brother #2 - drug user. Hates everybody in the family.

Brother #3 - used to use drugs, not he's clean but is an alcoholic. Our mom constantly gives him money for stuff because he always has a sob story. He's also married and has a girlfriend on the side - my mom said he could bring his "girlfriend" to her house to visit.

Sister #1 - don't know her.

Sister #2 - is bordering on being an alcoholic, but otherwise she's the only siste I have a relationship with. She got divorced and couldn't keep a job, so for the past year our mother has paid her rent, food and utlities. She's got a job now, but sill mooches money off my mom.

Sister #3 - once a hard drug user, now just dabbles. Has been a moocher and has sponged off the system her entire life. Neither her nor her husband work. She lives in a doublewide on some property that my mother owns, and has lived there rent free for almost 8 years. She's always asking my mom for money, and my mom will complain, but then give it to her.

I'm the most normal and put-together member of this dysfunctional family! That's why I don't have a relationship with my brothers and sisters, except for two of them and they live in other states. It's sad that my kids don't know their aunts and uncles, but it's better off that way. I don't cut off their grandparents because they enable these losers, because my parents are good to my kids.

I'm truly amazed and awed that you are normal under those circumstances

 

[ChrisnSteph]

I'm truly amazed and awed that you are normal under those circumstances

Thank you! It's embarrassing to have to say those things about my family, but at least it gave an explanation as to why only 4 rows of seats on my side at our wedding ceremony were full, vs. almost all of them on my dh's side! I was so sad and embarrassed by it, and right before the wedding I said something to my maid of honor. She must have done something, because when I walked down the aisle a little later, everyone had sort of blended together and evened it out! Seriously, I love everyone of my siblings. But sometimes it hurts more to have them in your life than to have them out.

 

[sha_lyn]

Dh's youngest brother. DH is one of 8 kids, and all turned out fairly "normal" except the youngest. He has God know how many kids by several different women, is in and out of jail, abuses drugs, alcohol etc. The only sister really enables him, along wiht one of the brothers. MIL did when she was still alive. FIL luckily will not put up with the BS.

 

[minkydog]

Thank you! It's embarrassing to have to say those things about my family, but at least it gave an explanation as to why only 4 rows of seats on my side at our wedding ceremony were full, vs. almost all of them on my dh's side! I was so sad and embarrassed by it, and right before the wedding I said something to my maid of honor. She must have done something, because when I walked down the aisle a little later, everyone had sort of blended together and evened it out! Seriously, I love everyone of my siblings. But sometimes it hurts more to have them in your life than to have them out.

You can choose your friends,;you can't choose your family. Glad your friends made your day special

 

[doxdogy]

My sister is a major pain. She has issues with alcohol and drugs. Yet my mother would do anything for her. After my mother died, my dad started getting her out her messes. After the most recent mess, the money has come to a stop and she is on her own.

She actually told my DH that when my dad is gone, she will have enough money to live on for the rest of her life. And that she knows that dad is leaving most of estate to her. Her reason..... because she needs it and my brother and I don't.